Do You Ever Wonder If Happiness Is A Possibility?

[Illmatic]

How old are you? When I was in puberty I had pretty much the same thinking.
I found out that almost every one struggles with something, you are "here" to learn many things soyou will never be able to sit back and relax.
You will fail when you let the fear rule your life. For example go fucking buy the skateboard, how much can it be? $50,-? When youre gonna like it it will be one of the best investments ever.
Man up and make something out of life, really every single one has their own struggle. Just think about that everything you do youre gonna learn from it.
I remember how I always thought this was "bullshit" until I realized it is true.

When you cant do it alone then go see a therapist, maybe that will help

 

[miketlow]

You pretty much said what I have been trying to explain to those around me that asks "what's wrong?". I could have not stated it any better.. Thanks for posting this!

 

[BrendonM91]

OP you have explained almost exactly how I've felt since about the age of 15 I'm 22 now. I don't fear everything as OP does, however I fear rejection, being alone and believe that I am simply unlikable let alone lovable. I am recently finding out most of my "friends" simply used me for my money and generosity, only one or two are actual friends it seems.

I have my ups and downs, but the downs seem to be more prevalent. I'm beginning to think I may not have depression at all but possibly bipolar due to the fact when I have my ups, they are almost euphoric, and the lows are so deep and dark, there is barely any middle ground it's one or the other. I am currently seeing a psychologist, however I'm unsure if it is working. I feel better for a day or two after seeing her, however after that the darkness slowly creeps back in until my next appointment several weeks later (it's extremely hard to find a psychologist here in Australia, let alone one I can feel comfortable with)

SWELLEGANT: I, at first read, of your advice thought you were talking out your ass. But after rereading several times and getting more and more from it, I understand what you are saying and am going to try and put that kind of thinking to work.

 

[rm71182]

Damn, OP pretty much could've read my mind if he'd wanted to-- that's exactly how I feel. Actually, it shouldn't be that surprising cause I've found over the years that there are lots of people like us. But your line about hating the things you *can't* change about yourself (i.e. that can't be fixed with a gym membership, etc)...yeah, I know that feeling. Real well.

I also look at guys doing things I can't do, and I'm just awestruck sometimes. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm really alive--or at least, that I'm living the same life as everyone else. 'Life' sometimes seems like a highway I can't get on: all these fast cars going by, and I can't take part or join in. All I can do is watch.

When I seek help (psychiatrists, etc) they always want to link my depression to being gay. It has nothing to do with it. If anything, being gay has been the one source of stability in my life I can rely on. No "identity issues" here.

I'll say something that's probably against the grain and most people won't agree with: I've just decided to self-medicate myself with booze, pills, drugs, etc. Is it feasible long-term? Of course not. But it gets me through each week, with a good job, friends, and a life that, by outward appearances, looks okay. I don't have the courage to kill myself, or else I would; I'm kinda hoping that if I develop an addiction, one day that might push me over the edge to take the only action that could really end my misery. I feel like I've worked out all the calculations, the endless permutations, in my head, and they all come back with the same answer: I will never truly be happy, in the sense that you described (not just a fleeting moment of happiness, but actual, sustainable, long-term happiness--a "life well lived," etc).