Do you feel like you need to come out?

[french]

Hello all,

I am out to all of my friends, except two guys. One of them is a religious Christian, and the other is a religious Muslim.

Though these people are great friends of mine, I have not come out to them and told them I am gay. Nor do I plan on it.

I just do not feel a need to tell them. I mean, to me I am just like everyone else, but it is not like when someone meets someone they say "Hey, I am straight!!"

My Muslim friend pretty much knows I am gay(and dating at that) but he sort of has a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. He is very very religious and regards homosexuality as a major sin. At the same time, his religion values privacy, and they are not supposed to acquire about personal issues that one does behind closed doors.

My Christian friend.. Well, he is just own right homophobic. I "act" gay(whatever that is supposed to mean) so he probably knows, but still just stays silent. I may be the exception to his homophobia, since we are good friends. But I still have not told him.

As I said, I do not feel a reason to come out and tell them.

So, do you feel like you need to come out to everyone, or are you ok being in the closet?

 

[french]

I would prefer to be out to everyone. If my friends are not comfortable with the real me, then they are not truly my friends.

True, but these people have religious reasoning for their views. I know the Muslim guy would be ok with me being gay if it were not for his religious beliefs.

And I respect their religious beliefs

 

[-Lance-]

Im out to everyone, its better that way.

 

[SonOfSlobone]

No, I don't think you need to have the "coming out conversation" with every single person in your life. If you're already out to a lot of people, these guys will probably hear about it or figure it out sooner or later.

The important thing is not to put yourself in a position where you have to lie. Don't pretend to be straight or to have a girlfriend.

And if you ever get to the point where you're in a committed relationship, like living with somebody, then yes, at that point you have to make sure all your friends know.

But for now I wouldn't worry about it.

 

[french]

Muslim? Guys from the east (been told directly by Pakistani and others) consider only those of us who receive to be messed up. Apparently innocent tops are seduced by bottom boys, so aren't to blame... so they like me (think they're the 1s messed up, but whateve)

n e way... these sound more like acquaintances than friends. At least, certainly not close friends. If you're happy with your so called relationship with these dudes, then by all means indulge their delusions, but be clear... that's what they are.

You're the same dude, whether they know you love guys or not.

Can't imagine giving a shit about what anyone thought who couldn't deal tho... but then that's me, now. Much more easily said at my age

Well, you were told wrong by your Paki friends. Muhammad condemned both tops and bottoms(even said "one doing it and one being done to.")

They are close friends.. Just not friends I tell I am gay. But, it is not like I tell them I am straight either.

Think of the "don't ask don't tell" with military. You may act gay, people may think you are gay and pretty much know, but you don't officially tell them you are.

That is how I am with them.

 

[french]

No, I don't think you need to have the "coming out conversation" with every single person in your life. If you're already out to a lot of people, these guys will probably hear about it or figure it out sooner or later.

The important thing is not to put yourself in a position where you have to lie. Don't pretend to be straight or to have a girlfriend.

And if you ever get to the point where you're in a committed relationship, like living with somebody, then yes, at that point you have to make sure all your friends know.

But for now I wouldn't worry about it.

Yeah, I do not pretend to be straight, nor would I ever fake and act like I have a g/f.

I am in a very committed relationship, and have been for 4 years! I tell them he is my roommate and they pretty much know what that means.

 

[sb]

I am not OK with being in the closet (which is why I am not)... I don't want to have to pretend or censor myself around certain people... nobody even finds it a big deal... I agree with the poster who said you don't have to have a big coming out chat with everyone you know... after a while people just know.

I wouldn't not tell someone because of their religious beliefs... if they want me to respect their religious beliefs they have to respect my sexuality.

 

[luminum]

It's a common idea to think that straight people never do something like "Hello, I'm straight!" but that concept is flawed for a few reasons:

1) Straight people are not in a position in society where they are ever assumed to be anything but straight. If you're straight, everyone basically assumes you already are. That leads to number...

2) Straight people benefit from this "unspoken" heteronormativity by being able to freely speak about heterosexuality without a second thought. Men are able to talk about a hot chick they saw on TV, girls talk about the boys they like. Media is geared toward their desire or attention to the opposite sex. Think of all the ads you see on TV. How many Axe commercials feature a heterosexual pairing? All of them. How many people think it's no big deal that they all speak exclusively to heterosexuals? The majority.

3) Homosexuals are subjected to unwanted heteronormativity and heterosexism considerably. How many gay guys who have never told their family, or broached the topic with their family, or even those who have go to family gatherings only to be asked when they'll bring home a nice girl? How many are asked when they'll "give" their parents grandchildren? Why are they expected to fulfill these roles? To do heteronormative things? Why are people automatically assuming they're straight or that they'll later be straight and that they'll fulfill stereotyped heteronormative life patterns?

So it's true that straight people don't ever say objectively that they're straight, but that's because they never have to. They "say" they're straight everyday by the sexual/relational things they talk about everyday in passing conversation.

Until society stops being heteronormative/heterosexist, that'll be the day when gay individuals will truly lose the need to ever "come out."

If everyone in your life is aware and you never had to say anything and you never had to censor yourself, then you're not closeted. "Closeted" is when you censor yourself in front of others for the purpose of disguising or clouding your sexuality. So good for you.

I tell them he is my roommate and they pretty much know what that means.

So if they know, why do you still call him your roommate? Assuming they know, it means that they don't care. Do you think they would care because you actually used the appropriate term by calling him your partner? If so, then how is it not censoring yourself for them? And as mentioned by SB, if you lie to them (even if they know), why are you censoring yourself for them? If it's because you "respect their religion" then where is their respect for your sexuality and your right to honest expression? What kind of friendship is that and what kind of friends are they?

All important things to mull over, I imagine.

 

[EvilForce]

I have a couple of Muslim friends. One I consider to be a close friend. We both respect each other immensely. He knows I'm gay, has met my partner, and knows we are married, and he freely inquires about him and his latest news/health/etc. We eat together as well without any issue. Now, I do respect his religious beliefs about alcohol, so I respect that when we eat together or am around him. I choose not to drink alcohol in his presence. I think this is a healthy level of live and let live.

Just as the bible has a load of rubbish, so does the Quaran. The bible also says that a person who wears a cotton/poly blend shirt, or one who eats shellfish an abomination, as well as kids who sass their parents should be stoned to death.

Or Deut. 25:11-12 states: If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.

Many Christians and Muslims realize their books say silly things that they downplay or ignore all together.

 

[dlm021]

I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I have to be open and honest about myself because I know it is good for the LGBT community. When people can make personal connections in their lives with homosexuals, then there is a chance that they will be more accepting. I mean, studies have shown over and over again that people who know homosexuals exhibit lower levels of prejudice, so its important to help with that. Because when people have a gay son or daughter and they hear someone call someone else a fag, they're more likely to speak up and say, "Hey, that's bullshit!" Besides, it's important to show people that there is nothing wrong with being gay - lying suggests there is something is wrong with homosexuality, and there isn't. So there's that.

But I can understand people who don't want to be completely out. I know that some people are happy with their lives even though they are in the closet, and if they are satisfied and coming out might ruin that, then why do it? And I understand people who don't want to upset their loved ones - my grandmother would have a heart attack if she knew I like guys, and she isn't going to go out and fight for gay rights anyway, so why piss her off?

I guess I can see both sides of it. Personally, I am slowly coming out to the people around me - my friends know, and my family is kind of catching on. But I guess other people have to figure out what works for them. I just feel good about it because honestly, I'm pretty convinced that in fifty years or so, people won't have to search their souls and their environments to see if they can or should be honest about who they are.