Do you think he is gay?

[Ganoderma]

Hi Confusedboy23,

Thanks for your extensive message. I tend to agree with you that YOU are the problem, and not he. Towards my opinion, this guy is very friendly and decent as well, and very much interested in you.

Then, he asked me AGAIN for my preference - he said I didn't reply his previous question. He said that he needs to know before he can screen applicants and not introduce the wrong people to me!!!

I tend to advise you to give him the only reply he is expecting from you. E.g. 'you are my preference', 'how about an advanced introduction of yourself to me', 'you', etc.

Towards my opinion, this guy likes you very much and is very eager to learn more about you. You just need to tell this to him. Obviously, the guy is 'fishing', likely because you are not very open about your own sexual orientation?

Besides that, realize you that many (the majority of the?) straight couples of people of your age were initiated in a similar surrounding like you have met this guy. So just at your (or his) workplace, and just by accident. That's how these kind of things are working, so its very normal.

On the other hand, take your time, and realize yourself that your work and his work comes on the first place. So no big deal if either he or you cannot immediately reply on messages and so.

Finally, you are living (?) in Australia. No big deal for being gay over there, including on almost all working places? What's the point that hiding your being gay or being an open gay might have an influence on your work? That's outdated, and now only an issue at companies run by fundamental christians.

Good luck and take care.

 

[MoltenRock III]

This is a perfect example of why a 28 year old needs to come out of the closet. Confused... What more do you want this guy to say to you that he is ok with gay guys? A billboard lit up in Times Square? No wonder you've not been "lucky" in love; you've probably have been hit on a few dozen times and you've downplayed them because of you low self-esteem.

Sack up and ask him out on a date. A real date. And don't try to be opaque or cutesy by playing the pronoun game. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 

[Rolyo85]

Dude, it's 2011. DADT just got buried in the ground forever. People are out left and right. Stop living in the 90s and start wearing it on your sleeve!

 

[TX-Beau]

I really, really need some help right now.

I know it is NOT him that has problems, it is ME. I will not deny this. BUT, I really don't think I should just tell him I like guys in a FB message (this is not 'live' messaging, we're sending each FB emails).

I would like to be able to come clean to him when I see him next. I really don't think it is that far away from now before my next trip to his city.

I sent him an email to his workplace today asking why he hasn't written for so long (it's been less than a day). I asked him 'have you run out of ideas for our messaging marathon? lol'

A few hours later, he sent an FB message apologizing and asking me if I 'miss his emails'. OF COURSE I DO! I am not afraid of telling him that when I reply. He told me that he had actually wanted to email me before but there was just too much happening at work.

He also replied me question 'I can never run out of ideas. Let's continue this and see where this ends'.

Then, he asked me AGAIN for my preference - he said I didn't reply his previous question. He said that he needs to know before he can screen applicants and not introduce the wrong people to me!!!

He gave me his personal cell phone number and said I could call him if I wanted to.

Should I just text him on his cell to say hello? I'm overseas at the moment so I guess that's an excuse not to call - he knows I'm overseas for work.

Should I reply his FB message saying "oh, I have got to visit your office FIRST to see both guys and girls then I can decide which is hotter/rocks my boat". Too lame??

Or, should I say something like "Maybe we should hang out more first and then I can give you my actual specifications!"

PLEASE HELP!!!

"...OH MY GOD Bobby carried my books what should I doooooo!..."

You're starting to sound like a pubescent schoolgirl. You're nearly thirty for god's sake. If you don't know what to do by now we can't help you.

You can keep coming in her and "updating," us about your "situation," or you can get off the computer, notice you have a pair an go get a real life life.

You don't need us to tell you what to do, you need some frikkin' motivation to push your ass out the door.

So, do you want to spend all your time in here doing the equivalent of passing notes in middle school, or do you want a real guy who can actually suck your cock?

Well?

If you were 18 this would be a different story, but you are damn near thirty and should be over this kind of thing by now.

Or is it that you are completely in the closet?

 

[confusedboy23]

I appreciate your thoughts on this but I'd hope that you'll understand that coming out just like that is not always an option.

If I were still in the US today, then, yes, I'd do it in a heartbeat not having to fear my career.

I'm currently in Australia but I don't live here. I live and work in a neighboring Asian country.....not very gay-friendly at all.

 

[confusedboy23]

It might be a trust issue also - I mean, what if he is not gay but he is only fishing me out? I don't feel comfortable coming out in a FB message.

I'm not saying that I will not come out to him. In fact, I do plan on telling him in person when I meet him again next month.

I can only hope that it is not too late.

 

[Kabluey]

Maybe just keep in touch and keep it light.
Get to know this guy a bit better

 

[KaraBulut]

"Let's see your cards."
"No, you first."
"You can go first"
"No, you"

I know it is NOT him that has problems, it is ME. I will not deny this. BUT, I really don't think I should just tell him I like guys in a FB message (this is not 'live' messaging, we're sending each FB emails).

It might be a trust issue also - I mean, what if he is not gay but he is only fishing me out? I don't feel comfortable coming out in a FB message.

I'm not saying that I will not come out to him. In fact, I do plan on telling him in person when I meet him again next month.

Good friendships are built on common interests. Great friendships are built on honesty.

You're not being honest, so what does that say about your interest in having a friendship with someone that you have "clicked" with?

It's not difficult. Pick up the phone. Call him. Ask if it's a good time to talk. Say, "I didn't want to have this conversation over FB or email. You asked me whether to fix me up with guys or girls. To be honest, while I find girls attractive, I'm more interested in dating guys at the moment. If we're going to be friends, I wanted to get that out there because I don't want to lie about it."

This guy is interested in you. It might be as a friend. It might be as more than a friend. But until you trust him and until you're honest with him and you're honest with yourself, this relationship will go nowhere.

 

[Rolyo85]

He is not just fishing. He is asking because he is interested. It would have been obvious if you weren't so afraid of being out.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Confusedboy23,

I would like to suggest that KaraBulut has given you an excellent advise:

It's not difficult. Pick up the phone. Call him. Ask if it's a good time to talk. Say, "I didn't want to have this conversation over FB or email. You asked me whether to fix me up with guys or girls. To be honest, while I find girls attractive, I'm more interested in dating guys at the moment. If we're going to be friends, I wanted to get that out there because I don't want to lie about it."

I fully agree with Karabulut and others that this guy likes you very much, and that this guys knows very well that not all guys are 100% straight, meaning as well, at least to my opinion, that he has some clues / ideas that you might also have feelings for him beyond feelings that straight guys can have of each other, AND that he has no problems with befriending guys who are (maybe?) not 100% straight.

Making such a phonecall, and asking if its convenient at that time is also very common for many other situations when one needs to discuss items that are serious or take some time, or need personal contact and/or feedback. You will have immediately feedback from him. He already gave you his phone number, and both of you know each others voices as well.

I agree with others that the guy likes you. You don't need to use the word 'gay', if you have the idea that this word does not fit in this situation.


KaraBulut:

This guy is interested in you. It might be as a friend. It might be as more than a friend. But until you trust him and until you're honest with him and you're honest with yourself, this relationship will go nowhere.

Again an excellent advise from KaraBulut. Its a trust issue, and you don't need to be afraid that this guy will 'freak out' (or anything like that) when you tell him you prefer guys (or something like that).

Finally, I would like to advise you to make this phonecall as soon as possible. The earlier you will do this, the earlier you can further with building a nice friendship with this guy.

Best wishes and good luck.

 

[aijalon18]

It is so sad that you are not making this happen. It is beyond obvious this guy likes you and you like him. Go for it.

I get you have doubts about his sexuality. But c'mon. No straight guy is gonna ask you twice about your sexual preference like that. He really went out on a limb by even going there. Most people wouldnt for fear they would be offending someone. So clearly he has a sexually liberal mind to even ask you.

It is time for you to go out on a limb a little to be with him.

 

[confusedboy23]

THANK YOU everyone! I finally did it......

I picked up the phone and called him. We spoke for nearly 3 hours tonight.

We started with the usual, how's work.....plans for the weekend....and what we had for dinner.

Somehow the topic of relationship popped up, he asked me if I have ever dated? I was embarrassed and I convinced him to tell me his side of the story first.

He went "I'm gay and I'm dating someone now". GREAT! AWESOME!

So, I had read the wrong signals all along!!! I felt sooooo stupid at that time, I really didn't know what to say but I'm glad that my mind gave words fast enough to carry on the conversation.

I did tell him that I am gay too, but I am single.

It was awkward for me because it wasn't something I had planned for. The conversation carried on and on and on. Nothing too flirty but in fact, I have learned a lot from him about being gay where we are.

I know that I can trust him but yet at the same time, I must admit that I am a bit disappointed.

 

[Rolyo85]

Nothing is permanent in this life. If you like him, and think you can be friends, do that. Who knows what might happen in the future?

 

[confusedboy23]

Is this cruel or what?

So, we've chatted for 3 hours on the phone and then he texts me to ask if I would like to chat more on Skype. We did.....and it was a video chat this time.

We talked about all sorts of things.....laughed a lot.....AND THEN he hits me with this question "Oh, by the way, if I didn't tell you I was dating someone, would you have fallen for me?". I pretended I didn't understand that question....he asked "Do you like me?". I said "why are we talking about this shit?". He goes "from our Facebook messages, I get the vibe that you like me".

I am like WTF???!!!

We changed topics.....

Is this guy a player or what??

 

[Ganoderma]

So, we've chatted for 3 hours on the phone and then he texts me to ask if I would like to chat more on Skype. We did.....and it was a video chat this time.

We talked about all sorts of things.....laughed a lot.....AND THEN he hits me with this question "Oh, by the way, if I didn't tell you I was dating someone, would you have fallen for me?". I pretended I didn't understand that question....he asked "Do you like me?". I said "why are we talking about this shit?". He goes "from our Facebook messages, I get the vibe that you like me".

Well, I tend to think that this guy can read between the lines. I think / I assume that he noticed / identified / classified eg. you quite quickly / (maybe?) immediately as a (possible) gay guy, so during the first time you met him at your work.

Afterwards, he has tried many times to find out why you were so interested in him. Maybe (but I have no idea), he thought / supposed that you were also able to 'read' his signals vice versa. So (maybe, I agree it is hypothetical) he was just assuming you could 'see' 'feel' / identify him as a gay. No big deal for him, when he is open / does not hide his sexual orientation.

I am quite sure that this guy likes you very much, and you also like him very much. It is a good step you told him you are gay, and please try to keep being open and honest as much as possible to him. So why not tell him you were fallen for him? I mean, that's the truth, isn't it?

Good luck, take your time, and try at least to built up a very nice friendship with this guy.

Best wishes.

 

[aijalon18]

No offense but u need to learn some social skills my friend. You need to be direct. You already know he's gay you have nothing to lose now.

You should have asked him how serious his relationship was and call him on the fact that he obviously likes you. He is the one who trolled facebook to find you after all. And he initiates most of your interactions.

He doesnt sound like a player. If he was a player he wouldnt have told you he was seeing anyone. He sounds like someone who is tired of doing most of the heavy lifting in this thing. He's put some work in and you havent met him halfway. You are still sabotaging yourself.

A relationship isnt just gonna fall into your lap. You have to put in some effort. Im not saying to steal someone's man or be second fiddle but ask him directly about what his situation is.

 

[confusedboy23]

Well, I tend to think that this guy can read between the lines. I think / I assume that he noticed / identified / classified eg. you quite quickly / (maybe?) immediately as a (possible) gay guy, so during the first time you met him at your work.

Afterwards, he has tried many times to find out why you were so interested in him. Maybe (but I have no idea), he thought / supposed that you were also able to 'read' his signals vice versa. So (maybe, I agree it is hypothetical) he was just assuming you could 'see' 'feel' / identify him as a gay. No big deal for him, when he is open / does not hide his sexual orientation.

I am quite sure that this guy likes you very much, and you also like him very much. It is a good step you told him you are gay, and please try to keep being open and honest as much as possible to him. So why not tell him you were fallen for him? I mean, that's the truth, isn't it?

Good luck, take your time, and try at least to built up a very nice friendship with this guy.

Best wishes.

Ganoderma - you are spot on! Yes, he did tell me that his Gaydar registered me as being gay the first time we met. I wasn't 100% sure about him when I met him but I guess a day or two later, I was convinced that he was after advice that I have sought here.

I agree that telling him that gay makes a great difference and it does break down barrier in our communication. We seem to be able to talk and joke a lot more! He is a joker and it is always fun talking him. He never stops to make me laugh and his ideas are just out of this world.

I know that when I was chatting him on Skype, he was noticing me because he asked me a few 'more private' questions and I was embarassaed. He said he could my face turning red and bla bla bla. So, I am sure that when he asked me "if I like him", he would definitely have seen my face turn RED! I am usually a shy person.

Although I am shy, I do tend to be friendly who are friendly to me. I will talk to my close freinds regularly BUT I am not sure that I will spend sooooo much time chatting/writing emails EVERYDAY. Yes, I do like him. But if he was dating someone, WHY is talking to me soooo much?

I initiated to text him randomly during the day and he replies me as well. He will text me back randomly too.

 

[confusedboy23]

No offense but u need to learn some social skills my friend. You need to be direct. You already know he's gay you have nothing to lose now.

You should have asked him how serious his relationship was and call him on the fact that he obviously likes you. He is the one who trolled facebook to find you after all. And he initiates most of your interactions.

He doesnt sound like a player. If he was a player he wouldnt have told you he was seeing anyone. He sounds like someone who is tired of doing most of the heavy lifting in this thing. He's put some work in and you havent met him halfway. You are still sabotaging yourself.

A relationship isnt just gonna fall into your lap. You have to put in some effort. Im not saying to steal someone's man or be second fiddle but ask him directly about what his situation is.

We met last Sunday. I emailed him on Monday, added on him on Facebook on Monday. We exchanged lengthy messages everyday. He gave me his number on Wednesday. I started to text him that night. I would randomly text him everyday and he replies. We chatted on Friday night (that was when I found he was dating someone).

It's been less than a week. Whilst I admit that I could and should have told him I was gay on Tuesday when he asked the first time, I really don't think I have delayed for too long.

In all my emails to him, I have dropped hints like "I will be in your city and you better make sure you take me out" and "Your city isn't really that far from my city" and "Whilst I know your city very well, it is always different to have someone to take me out".

Maybe he did send some signals out though. He did say something like "but you know my city very well, you don't need a tour guide" and "but you (referring to me) will be very busy when you come for business" but I will respond "work is daytime but there will always be time to hang out with you".

Even after that, we still continued with our messaging.

When I was with him on Skype, his phone beeped so he said "oh it's my bf". He texted him back. They exchanged a few messages.

THEN, a while later, it beeped again. He said "Oh, it's my ex!!!"

I said I am confused and he just said that this was his recent ex. The story is this....he was with his current bf for 4 years but they broke off for a year. During that year, he was with this other guy. I am all the more confused!

His current bf is in ANOTHER country, so this is a long distance relationship.

I guess he could have told me that he has a bf the other day. I mean we had an exchange of messages like this.....

Me: So why are you so interested in country X. you have been there twice and spent one month a time there.
Him : oh, it is a beautiful place. i am saving up to go there again. my last trip was 2 years ago.
Me : oh, will u be traveling alone?
Him : maybe traveling with someone. would u like to come? haha.
Me : you will be traveling with 'someone' so that will make me awkward if i came. haha.
Him : nah. it will be fun to travel with someone.

Maybe I should have gotten the hint?

Then, there is other messages that I would read it as flirting.....or am I old school?

Him : So, you said that you are vain. We need to see who is vainer. Haha. So, when I come to your city, can I visit your room?
Me : Of course.
Him : And you said you have imperfections?
Me : Yes, but I know how to hide it under my clothes. *embarrassed*
Him : Haha. You don't have to be embarrasaed. You can show me.

Question of the year : what do I do now? Continue emailing him? Tone it down? Stop random texting?

 

[KaraBulut]

We talked about all sorts of things.....laughed a lot.....AND THEN he hits me with this question "Oh, by the way, if I didn't tell you I was dating someone, would you have fallen for me?". I pretended I didn't understand that question....he asked "Do you like me?". I said "why are we talking about this shit?". He goes "from our Facebook messages, I get the vibe that you like me".

I am like WTF???!!!

We changed topics.....

Is this guy a player or what??

Well, you will learn that in situations like this, you just turn the tables.

In that mind, possible responses:

"Well, there's no point in answering that question since you're in a relationship, is there?"

"Yes, I think you're attractive but I also think you're taken"

"We can chat as friends for 3 hours without causing a problem with your boyfriend. If we're chatting as something other than friends, then that might cause a problem with your boyfriend"


It is odd for someone in a relationship to be talking for 3+ hour with another gay guy that he just met. But he also didn't have to tell you up front that he was dating someone.

If he's in an open relationship, the answers above might ferret that information out of him.

If he's just interested in a friendship, you always have the option of just asking him point blank- "Well, since you asked- if you weren't in a relationship, would you be interested in me?"

 

[Riverrick]

Confusedboy. You are so funny. Here you are in a mixed up situation again....Deja Vu.

I think that you are very lonely and that this week has been very exciting for you, having someone in your life who is thinking about you and you about him. Your great desire to have a partner makes these experiences larger than life to you and makes you panic that you will say or do the wrong thing.

I'm sorry to say that I don't think there is much available here for you, should you keep pursuing this guy. Just a broken heart. I would rather see you spend your time and energy on someone who is single, with whom you could at least hope to have a relationship. Towards that end, you are going to have to work a little harder and take a few more risks. Just do it in a country that is more gay friendly.

Good luck.