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Does absence really make the heart grow fonder?

M

Moogle86

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Hi everyone. This is my "maiden post," aside from two replies and I just thought I'd pitch this question to whomever will listen and respond.

I was seeing this guy for a few months earlier this year, and it was the first same-sex "relationship" for the two of us--and first physical same-sex relationship for him. Everything between us was really great--in my opinion, at least--and there was even talk of living together. Unfortunately that fell through, as, per uncontrollable circumstances, he was forced to move about 700 miles away. Which sucked.

We agreed we'd be friends and keep in touch and what not, and we do still talk fairly frequently.

But I think it was a few weeks after his leaving that I realized how much I love him. I read our email exchanges leading up to our first meeting, old yahoo chats we had, and even one particular conversation between he and my best friend in which he said some touching things about me (they had the online conversation one night in the spring when we were together. All of that sorta did me in and made me so nostalgic and kinda... depressed.

But anyway, I'm wondering if my feelings for him are mostly specific to first-time relationships or what not. He does have about a decade over me and the life experiences that come with that, so my guess is that I'm just naive and too overly sentimental (for christsake, I can't help but think about him when I hear songs like With or Without you or The Story!).

I find it difficult to try meeting other people too, because I'm always using him as a standard, and I fail to find others attractive no matter how attractive they may be. The hundreds of miles between us only seems to intensify my feelings for him. It's kinda frustrating.

I guess I just want to hear other people's opinions and experiences with these sorta things. Thanks in advance!

](*,)
 
Re: Does absence really make the heart grow fonder

I think what happened is that your first relationship ended with everything "going great". You didn't grow apart, you didn't fight, one of you didn't cheat. It ended because one of you got pulled far away. And since you can't really blame him much for that, this relationship has become an "ideal". All other ones are being held up against it, and found wanting in one way or another. "John said cutesy things to me, and this new guy isn't, so it's not as good."

You have two option. Try to continue a relationship with your far-off friend, which doesn't appear to be in the cards (or it would've been tried), or just chalk up that relationship as a great one which didn't happen, and try to go into each new one with a clean slate.

Lex
 
Re: Does absence really make the heart grow fonder

Mmm, depends on how you'd define that...

We did have a lot of things in common as far as traits we liked in people, what we found funny, what we liked to do (cuddling and things like that), and so on. We do come from very different backgrounds and upbringings. His childhood sounded pretty chaotic, while mine was relatively stable.

I admired his perseverance through it all and the decisions he made in his life. My understanding is that he had few people to confide in, and I can identify with that as well. So I guess we did have quite a bit in common, even though we have fairly different personalities.

Despite that, our core values and likes are very much in line. I'll read your thread now. Thanks for your response!
 
Re: Does absence really make the heart grow fonder

G-Lexington said:
I think what happened is that your first relationship ended with everything "going great". You didn't grow apart, you didn't fight, one of you didn't cheat. It ended because one of you got pulled far away. And since you can't really blame him much for that, this relationship has become an "ideal". All other ones are being held up against it, and found wanting in one way or another. "John said cutesy things to me, and this new guy isn't, so it's not as good."

You have two option. Try to continue a relationship with your far-off friend, which doesn't appear to be in the cards (or it would've been tried), or just chalk up that relationship as a great one which didn't happen, and try to go into each new one with a clean slate.

Lex
Click to expand...
You make a good point there, Lex... and I have tried bringing up the idea of maintaining our relationship--even if we were in the same proximity he's very busy currently and will be something like 10,000 miles away for most of 2009.

I don't think he believes it's best for us to do that though. For what particular reasons, I'm not sure; he did say that I'm young and he doesn't want me to put my life on hold for him or anything like that.

But really I don't see it that way at all, as every second we'd spend apart would be worth it in the end for me. His line of work adds some hurdles as well.

But yeah, thanks for your input.
 
Re: Does absence really make the heart grow fonder

If he's not interested in keeping the relationship going long-distance, not matter what his reasons ("it's not fair to you"), then he's not interested, and you should start looking elsewhere.

Lex
 
Re: Does absence really make the heart grow fonder

G-Lexington said:
If he's not interested in keeping the relationship going long-distance, not matter what his reasons ("it's not fair to you"), then he's not interested, and you should start looking elsewhere.

Lex
Click to expand...

Maybe he IS interested in the relationship and just realizes that the physical aspect is no longer an option.

Maybe he wants to remain friends so that if a reunion takes place they can still have an opportunity to strike things back up.

Maybe he realizes that this guy hasn't had many real world life experiences and could use to grow a little as a person of the world.

Maybe he really DOES care for him and wants him to be happy while he's gone.

Maybe he's doing the best he can to remain friends and not ruin this guy's first "love" to not only show him that HE cares about him, but other people will too. And that he's worth more than the quick "hook-up" he originally was asking for on CL.

Just some possibilities.
 
Re: Does absence really make the heart grow fonder

Milboy said:
Maybe he IS interested in the relationship and just realizes that the physical aspect is no longer an option.
Maybe he wants to remain friends so that if a reunion takes place they can still have an opportunity to strike things back up.
Maybe he realizes that this guy hasn't had many real world life experiences and could use to grow a little as a person of the world.
Maybe he really DOES care for him and wants him to be happy while he's gone.

Just some possibilities.
Click to expand...

Well, thank you for sharing your perspective Milboy. I think I understand a little better where he's coming from now. ;)
 
Re: Does absence really make the heart grow fonder

I think so. Whenever my partner and I are away from each other for an extended period of time I miss him so much and remember just how much I love him
 
Re: Does absence really make the heart grow fonder

1big14me said:
The Heart does grow fonder , but it also grows heavier, and sometimes makes you do stupid things that cause a lot of damage. In this case, I know it, I experienced it first hand, and trying to set things right.
Click to expand...

I'm curious what sort of "stupid things" you're talking about.

But I do understand that heaviness you're talking about. It's so unbearable sometimes. It actually kinda feels like a light being extinguished by a heavy darkness. Weird.
 
Re: Does absence really make the heart grow fonder

M4P said:
I think so. Whenever my partner and I are away from each other for an extended period of time I miss him so much and remember just how much I love him
Click to expand...

Yeah, I know that feeling. It's painful.
 
Re: Does absence really make the heart grow fonder

1big14me said:
A person can do all kinds of stupid things, such as thinking you've been abandoned, he left me, etc. the list can go on and on. crazy things done out of love that is so deep. anything that love does without thinking things through, but undermines the relationship.
Click to expand...

I see what you mean now. And yeah, I think I may have felt a bit of that too. My dad committed suicide a little over a week before this guy left, and that didn't really help my already burdened mind. So it was like losing the only two important men in my life. So I guess some of the "stupid" things that come to my mind from time to time lately are similar to what you mentioned, particularly the idea that no one really cares anyway.
 
Re: Does absence really make the heart grow fonder

Yeah ....absence does make the heart grow fonder. But if that mother****** stay gone too long too many times I got to jet and move on. Because my heart and love for him was not there. Absence is one thing,avoidance IS another thing.
 
Re: Does absence really make the heart grow fonder

thelaw2047 said:
Yeah ....absence does make the heart grow fonder. But if that mother****** stay gone too long too many times I got to jet and move on. Because my heart and love for him was not there. Absence is one thing,avoidance IS another thing.
Click to expand...

Lol... well, his job, which pretty much owns him, ultimately has the authority. And I could have moved where he is, but he'll have to be away for an even longer period of time anyway. I wish it weren't so complicated.
 
Re: Does absence really make the heart grow fonder

It's a big world man, with lots of people. Was it really the guy you love so much, or the experience of your first "boyfriend"? Do you miss HIM, or having someone to cuddle with?

If you spend all of your time thinking about and trying to be with this one guy, what else are you missing?

Seems like tunnel vision.

What did he say he wants from the relationship as it is? Did he really express an interest in being "boyfriend", or just "friend"? And what do you want from it?
Do your views match?

Sometimes you need to be a bit aggressive to get what you want, and sometimes you just need to let things play out and see what happens. Pushing too hard will often push people (especially guys) away in my experience.

Just some things to think about
 
Re: Does absence really make the heart grow fonder

G-Lexington said:
I think what happened is that your first relationship ended with everything "going great". You didn't grow apart, you didn't fight, one of you didn't cheat. It ended because one of you got pulled far away. And since you can't really blame him much for that, this relationship has become an "ideal". All other ones are being held up against it, and found wanting in one way or another. "John said cutesy things to me, and this new guy isn't, so it's not as good."

You have two option. Try to continue a relationship with your far-off friend, which doesn't appear to be in the cards (or it would've been tried), or just chalk up that relationship as a great one which didn't happen, and try to go into each new one with a clean slate.

Lex
Click to expand...


I agree. Most relationships I've been in have ended with some type of problem, even if it wasn't that big a deal. But both people knew it was over. This seems to have this "open ending" and it seems to be causing confusion.
Long distance relationships generally don't work out.
 
Re: Does absence really make the heart grow fonder

Milboy said:
It's a big world man, with lots of people. Was it really the guy you love so much, or the experience of your first "boyfriend"? Do you miss HIM, or having someone to cuddle with?

If you spend all of your time thinking about and trying to be with this one guy, what else are you missing?

Seems like tunnel vision.

What did he say he wants from the relationship as it is? Did he really express an interest in being "boyfriend", or just "friend"? And what do you want from it?
Do your views match?

Sometimes you need to be a bit aggressive to get what you want, and sometimes you just need to let things play out and see what happens. Pushing too hard will often push people (especially guys) away in my experience.

Just some things to think about
Click to expand...


Yeah, it is him who I miss. Finding a "cuddle buddy" probably wouldn't be all that difficult otherwise. It has nothing to do with sex or any of that other superficial aspects. Just the person I met and grew fond of.
 
Re: Does absence really make the heart grow fonder

That's great 1big14me! Hope you have fun.
 
Re: Does absence really make the heart grow fonder

I'm beginning to think that maybe I was wrong... maybe it's fondness that makes the heart grow absent.
 
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