does age mather... questions of a nervous guy

[adamwaugh]

im seeing someone but hes 26 and im 19... and still a virgin. i just wanted to know if it mathers that hes 7 years older then i am or not cuz i do like him a lot and because of his age, he has got a lot more play then i have duh so that kinda reasures me that he knows what hes doing but in a way it kinda bugs me because i dont wanna be a blip on the radar contrary to wat hes told me. he told me he loved me and would take care of me when it comes down to it but can this last and turn into a relationship or should i be better off with someone my own age. i mean i do love him too but we are both in the closet and that kinda makes it hard to see each other and plus if this works out it will be my first relationship. i just dont want to fuck up or anything which is why im being nervous about everything.

theres a whole lot of questions here but if you can answer just one it will help a lot and to who it may consern, dont take this the wrong way if u read this k?

thanks

 

[screwnutty]

Hello Adamwaugh!

Does age matter......tough question. One of the toughest questions I've ever had to answer. Truefully for me...no it doesn't. I'm 31 years old and I've had feelings for a 21 year old male for about the last two years.....I've never acted on them because...well I'm a chicken shit besides he's gone away to college now. Anyways back on topic. Does the age gap bother you? Does it bother him? That's all that matters. Anybody else opinion doesn't mean jack and Sh*T!! I think your more nervous about the fact that he has some experience and you've never done anything with a guy before. Your alot like me...you want a relationship but only if it means something...you sound like you don't want to date somebody just for the sake of dating somebody. Right?

Does it feel right? When he's not around you do you think about him? When your not near him does it hurt to be seperated from him? Those are more important questions to worry about. Also with both of you being in the closet too...that's going to be something that needs to be dealt with too.

So basically without stopping to think about the question I'm going to ask you...say the first thing that pops into your head right after my question.......

Do you think age matters here?

If you thought yes...then it does for you. If you thought no...then it's not what's really bugging you right!

I hope this helps in someway!

 

[Oden_grey]

im seeing someone but hes 26 and im 19... and still a virgin. i just wanted to know if it mathers that hes 7 years older then i am or not cuz i do like him a lot and because of his age, he has got a lot more play then i have duh so that kinda reasures me that he knows what hes doing but in a way it kinda bugs me because i dont wanna be a blip on the radar contrary to wat hes told me. he told me he loved me and would take care of me when it comes down to it but can this last and turn into a relationship or should i be better off with someone my own age. i mean i do love him too but we are both in the closet and that kinda makes it hard to see each other and plus if this works out it will be my first relationship. i just dont want to fuck up or anything which is why im being nervous about everything.

theres a whole lot of questions here but if you can answer just one it will help a lot and to who it may consern, dont take this the wrong way if u read this k?

thanks

Well, first let me congratulate you for achieving the impossible... an "in the closet" relationship that apparently isn't only about secretive sex.

Now, does age matter? I suppose it does if you make it matter. With a 7 year age difference you and your bf must be on different wavelengths when it comes to life experience. At 26 your boyfriend probably works and at 19 you're probably in university.

If things aren't rough now for you guys they probably will get rough if you decide to come out in the next couple years. First, you'll probably be in your prime when your older boyfriend would probably want to settle down. You will have temptation left and right to make things even more difficult. Certainly when you are "out", young and attractive you will be hit on by anything gay with a dick... and perhaps among those guys you will find a guy (or guys) that really interests you... by then your current boyfriend would look even less enchanting.

Needless to say that dating an older boyfriend (near 30) when one is just coming of age (19 or so) is quite a predicament. You will probably have to mature a lot faster than if your were with someone far closer to your age. If you are willing to rapidly mature, then more power to the both of you, but if you are not, you are going to have to go through some serious consideration and figure out if your current relationship and life arrangements are working out at all.

 

[BrandonSBCA]

I really think your thread should be merged with the one you made so you can have one thread where people can post in one not two. But to give you advice. Age doesn't matter, as age is just a number.

In your situation you need to take things as slow as possible. Its rather hard because the both of you are in the closet. But then again its better than having one out of the closet and one in the closet, as the one out of the closet would rather want you to come out instead of being in the closet. Just take things as slow as you can, try your best to not be nervous, it can be nervous but if he loves you then you need to accept that. I doubt you'll mess things up, thats unless you lie to him or cheat on him.

I know a lot of other people's advice is three times as big and knowledgeable as mine but just have to take each post of advice one section at time to understand your situation better.

 

[JayHew]

Age has little to do with love. It can have a lot to do with the psychological/biological levels we all go through. At younger ages, you are out to experience life and take what comes and move on. When you reach the age of about 27, you start to form your foundation within yourself that will be the basis you view and operate from for the rest of your life. You are establishing the you that will be presented to the world. At about 35 you will want to settle down to one base of operations, ie. home base. And so it goes.

As long as the both of you know of the various stages and are patient and tolerant of what needs the other has, there is no reason for a problem. And a big part of all that is very open and very frank communications and with that the concern to meet the other person at least half way.

Get the book, Passages - could be out of print, but was a good book to learn the various stages we go through at given ages and could very much help.

But most of all, communications is the key, age is definitely not. I know couples with one being only 20 and the other in their 40's and it is working out ok. Know of others too. Age is not the factor really.

 

[KennyD]

I definately do not think that AGE matters in a relationship providing both parties are 18 years of age or older.
When I was in my late mid 40's , I had a relationship with a young man of 18 ... He started it and encouraged it .. and eventually moved into my home with me . We were together for over five wonderful years . It was MY own jealousy that broke us up.
I've just found him on My Space and he is thinking about coming back to me ... I've matured as he has ..so I hope he does return and we can get it right .
However; COMMUNICATION, HONESTY, and TRUST are the keys in any relationship, no matter what the ages involved ...... just my opinion.

 

[spreadeagle]

A seven year difference is insignificant. Seven years is 37% of your life, but it's only 27% of his, so naturally it seems more important to you. But given that you're above the age of consent it's really a non-issue. Unless of course you make it one by allowing him to assume an unequal amount of power in the relationship. And him telling you that he'll take care of you suggests that he might be angling things in that direction.

You can't fuck up if you decide what you want beforehand nad then don't let him, or anyone else, persuade you differently. You'll be making a mistake if you sacrifice your own integrity, and project greater knowledge and authority onto him just because he's chronologically older.

If you have ambitions of embracing your sexuality and coming out of the closet then it might be a mistake to ally yourself to someone who's been in there seven years longer than you have.

Another way of looking at this is that since you're both in the closet neither of you have been born yet.

 

[jetsonboy]

I definately do not think that AGE matters in a relationship providing both parties are 18 years of age or older.
When I was in my late mid 40's , I had a relationship with a young man of 18 ... He started it and encouraged it .. and eventually moved into my home with me . We were together for over five wonderful years . It was MY own jealousy that broke us up.

There is proof right there that age DOES matter. I have been in two relationships, both with men 10 years younger than I. One lasted 10 years, after which he decided he wanted to experience the things I had but he had not because he was 20 when we began our exclusive monogamous relationship. I paid the price at the breakup because I found myself as a 40-year old having to go out and look for a new love. The second one has been better, but not without it's age difference-related difficulties. Looking back, it would be my humble surmise that people would be better off seeking others within a 5-year age difference for long-term relationships.

 

[RenaissanceMan]

Do you think age matters here?

If you thought yes...then it does for you. If you thought no...then it's not what's really bugging you right!

I think it's a question for the people involved. I'm the kind of person who likes to be with people my age, who are going through similar things in life that I am...but on the other hand, sometimes someone can even be the same age, but is in a different point in their life or is going along some other path and I can't see it working completely.

So I think it CAN be a factor for some, but it need not be (and similar ages might be worse than a bigger age gap...it really depends on the people).

 

[jockboy01]

Totally depends on the situation and the people. I think seven years is totally possible. Seventeen... a bit harder.

Odengrey brings up some important points to consider (even if a bit pessimistic... and since when is 26 near 30.... stepping a bit too close to my home and I don't like to be thought of as "near 30") but none that aren't overcomable (totally made up that word).

I'd say do what feels right. If you both like each other and are honest with each other, that's what's important. And as to experience, just b/c he's older doesn't mean he's necessarily more experienced. And if he cares about you, it shouldn't matter anyway.

 

[Kulindahr]

My gut reaction is that any relationship that bridges the drinking age will be rough, though that will depend on whether you two drink much.
I know a wonderful couple ages 42 and 24. The older one gets called "pedophile" every now and then, and just says, "Sorry you're jeaqlous" -- as the younger kisses his cheek.
So it's possible, dude -- you just have to care enough.

Of course I'm 40+ and get very uncomfortable with anyone over 25, so I may be a bit optimistic.

 

[kurtwild]

no,it dosent matter anything,not to me anyway.

if he loves you and you have the same feelings for him you ll be fine!

make sure you have the same interests,thats what matters.

i was with an almost 50 year old guy when i was 15 and we had a great time and loved eachother!

 

[Riverrick]

Just be open and honest with him and take it step by step. If its feeling ok and working out, then who cares? I've known a lot of guys with bigger age discrepancies than that.

 

[-live-]

Doesnt sound bad to me, im sure hed understand with the fact your younger so not as much expiernece. If your happy with him i wouldnt let anything bother you.

 

[thewiz]

Quite honestly I don't think the age difference matters....sometimes I think we get too hung up on years, looks, what will others think and not the underlying issue of relationship. If you find yourself attracted to him; he finds he is attracted to you; you can talk and share....then I'd say you have a start on the relationship.

As to being inexperienced, when I first came out a little over a year ago, I was very afraid in the same ways as you. I was worried I would be clunky, that I would be horrible in bed, that I'd embarrass myself. I met a guy who was older than me who took it slow, who showed me things that I didn't even know would turn me on, and proceeded to do so. I think I find myself sharing those with guys that I have gone out with since.

So long as he respects you and that respect includes the fact that sex and passion is not a one-way street or one that is meant to be painful.....

 

[bacchus]

would it be too corny to quote Aaliyah? age ain't nothing but a number, unless it is something that is bothering you

if you can't get past that, then yes it is a big deal- it could be a relationship-breaker. but if you take the relationship as it comes, and forget about the age as a non-issue, then what does it matter?

a much older guy will have the benefit of experience (and hopefully wisdom), and a younger guy will have the zest for love and life that diminishes as most men get older- combine the two and you've got a good thing

if you find yourself worrying more than you think you should about the age difference, then regardless of whether it is a problem for him, it will obviously be a problem for you. but just try to go with the flow and not worry overmuch about things that you cannot change

 

[Kulindahr]

no,it dosent matter anything,not to me anyway.

if he loves you and you have the same feelings for him you ll be fine!

make sure you have the same interests,thats what matters.

i was with an almost 50 year old guy when i was 15 and we had a great time and loved eachother!

THAT age difference is a problem!
Under our country's current fascist approach to sex, if you two so much as touched each other in an intimate way (assuming you're in the US), he's a sex criminal, because legally YOU couldn't have consented, no matter what you thought at the time.
And in most states, you wouldn't have to accuse him; anyone could, and they'd generally be believed, because in the law enfgorcement playbook at the moment, if you say "Yes, we did", then it's all his fault, and if you say, "No, he didn't", then obviously he did and you're lying because he threatened you.
So if you know anyone in a relationship that crosses the age of consent, warn them: all it takes is one word from someone who doesn't like one of you, and odds are the older guy is headed for prison.

 

[Soilwork]

19 and 26 isn't that much of a big deal. If you're enjoying the ride... well.. don't get off the bus.

 

[confusedboy23]

I reckon age doesn't really matter if the both of you are able to think and act at a similar level of "maturity"!