Does it ever heal ?

[gaarylindesy]

Hey guys so . . . I'm just wondering does the pain of the past ever heal or are you stuck with it forever? When i was in highschool I had plenty of friend . . . for a while, until I started experimenting with my sexuality and was basically outed, since then my friend iced me out and I became a social out cast ignored and trivialized by even the teachers (and other gays). When my parents found out about me being gay they sent me to Jesus camp and to told me to change my sinful ways or not to bother coming back home. Now I've graduated college and despite countless people trying their hardest to befriend and connect with me there, I've still come out of it with no friend. And this time it was my fault I dont feel like a cyncial person but I just couldn't seem to reach out or make any effort to connect. I don't know if my subconscious no longer belives in a love or in freindship but I just cant seem to even try. Im so different from that happy person I used to be now i live like a shut-in only leavign the house or interacting with people when i have to I'm just going through the motion of a world I no longer belive in. My world view just seems so tinted by the past and im wondering does the pain of being bullied for being gay in your youth still affect your adult life ? how do you deal with it ? How can I heal it and start letting people back in? I feel so guilty because now I have people showing genuine affection for me but I just cant reciprocate.

 

[aaggii]

The memories and some of the pain will remain there, but you can take it and use it for something good: help kids in your situation or make art or write your life down into a book etc. It will get easier to accept it and not haunt you so much once you find your happy place. Be happy, do what makes you feel good, find someone if you are searching for a relationship or just enjoy the gay life (which I´m still not sure what it means, but you get it). Learn to accept yourself the way you are and meet new people - friends, hookups, whatever.

Personally, I really think you should seek professional help - it will make you open up better and faster! No wonder you turned into this after what everyone has done to you, but you eventually have to learn to accept it and let it go.

 

[TX-Beau]

You never forget, but it loses it's power to cripple you. Find a therapist, you sound like you've got some kind of social anxiety problem.

 

[Seasoned]

Sometimes "can't" means "won't," so be careful not to shut out people who wish to befriend you. I can understand your caution given your history. If you're not able to take risks, one person at a time, on your own, then by all means seek a therapist to help sort out your feelings about the past. It is possible to heal but it will take work on your part. It might seem insurmountable now, but with some safe risk taking you'll be surprised how quickly things will turn around. The main thing to remember is that you're no longer a kid trapped in a school environment. Best wishes.

 

[KaraBulut]

You never forget, but it loses it's power to cripple you. Find a therapist, you sound like you've got some kind of social anxiety problem.

If you're not able to take risks, one person at a time, on your own, then by all means seek a therapist to help sort out your feelings about the past.

Make that three recommendations to work with a therapist.

Sometimes it is possible to find yourself in a dark, unhappy place without a clear picture of how you got there and what it will take to get out.

And that's a good time to work with a therapist to figure things out.

 

[Disturbance]

It will not heal unless you are willing to confront and express your feelings of anger and hurt.
Keep in mind, that our emotions are like signs on a road.
You friends have failed you, because they abandoned you when they realized your true self.
Your teachers failed you, because they condemned your being instead of trying to nurture it.
You parents failed you, because instead of taking care of you themselves, they sent you off to a freak camp, in order to not having to deal with you.

You can't change people, and you can't change what happened in the past, but you can change you way of observing the world. Theese people rejected you, and in a way you're better off that way, because it is clear that they are not worth your time.

I strongly suggest that you find a good therapist, and stop interacting with people from your past unless they show genuine signs of change in their attitude towards you.
I wish you the best, and I'm am sorry for what you had to go through as a child.

 

[jdcnow]

gaarylindesy, thanks for posting.

I can kind of relate to where you're coming from.

I'm a recovering PTSDer healing from a past steeped in abuse of all kinds. Now that I'm in therapy myself, I'm finding out just how comprehensively bad my past really was...

I suffered physical abuse,
- mental abuse,
- family violence (my older brother has had a severe drug/alcohol/anger problem ever since his teens onward - he almost shot me once in a blind rage while I was home alone, in my late teens/his late 20s)
- sexual abuse on both a physical and emotional level,
- sexual abuse in the form of knowledge willfully withheld from me, as a developing adolescent - my parents NEVER breathed a word about the subject, and I was basically left to my own devices to figure things out on my own...
- abuse in the form of age-appropriate life skills knowledge and life experiences I should have been taught and exposed to and never were (making and having friends, socialization, getting to leave home for any reason other than school - just to get out and enjoy life).
- And I've also had one near-fatal suicide attempt back in the spring of 2010.

I know that I can never completely repair the extensive psychiatric damage I have suffered. The mental and emotional damage is just too massive. But thanks to therapy (I've been going weekly since Thanksgiving last year) and medication (I'm on the anti-depressant Wellbutrin XL) healing has indeed come - not in the form of repairing the damage of the past (although repairing the mental and emotional damage is a big part of my recovery)...But healing has also come in the form of using said damage I've been through to strengthen me. It's made me a far more kinder person than I probably would have been, otherwise. And it has motivated me to propel my life forward and better myself at all cost, so that I don't go back to my purgatory past ever again. I work 2 jobs, have my own place, and am in college, working on continuing my education. I'll be 32 in December.

I echo the call for you to find a good therapist. And "medication" isn't the dirty word it used to be - Wellbutrin is a good place to start. I've used both as tools to turn my life around. But it does take work. It takes a great deal of effort on your part to make recovery happen for yourself.

I wish you the best.

 

[bankside]

Hey guys so . . . I'm just wondering does the pain of the past ever heal or are you stuck with it forever? When i was in highschool I had plenty of friend . . . for a while, until I started experimenting with my sexuality and was basically outed, since then my friend iced me out and I became a social out cast ignored and trivialized by even the teachers (and other gays). When my parents found out about me being gay they sent me to Jesus camp and to told me to change my sinful ways or not to bother coming back home. Now I've graduated college and despite countless people trying their hardest to befriend and connect with me there, I've still come out of it with no friend. And this time it was my fault I dont feel like a cyncial person but I just couldn't seem to reach out or make any effort to connect. I don't know if my subconscious no longer belives in a love or in freindship but I just cant seem to even try. Im so different from that happy person I used to be now i live like a shut-in only leavign the house or interacting with people when i have to I'm just going through the motion of a world I no longer belive in. My world view just seems so tinted by the past and im wondering does the pain of being bullied for being gay in your youth still affect your adult life ? how do you deal with it ? How can I heal it and start letting people back in? I feel so guilty because now I have people showing genuine affection for me but I just cant reciprocate.

People who want to be your friend, people who show interest in being friends with you, they're counting on you to reach back and do your part for the friendship.

If inexperience with friends, or bad experience with past friends, is making it impossible for you to reach back, then you should get support.

 

[eastofeden]

I think you need to go to a therapist to help you undo the damage the people who were close to you did.

When I watched the movie Jesus Camp....I became physically ill. I can't image having to be there in person. I hope you find someone who can help reverse the damage.

 

[racer2438]

Volunteer and a gay center with the youth who are struggling , and help them or any one else.

Volunteering really helps the mind and soul...

 

[CupidBoy]

Yes, but it takes time.