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Does it get easier after 21?

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no4321

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Hi,
I'm 20 right now and am feeling a little repressed. The hardest part of being gay for me was actually acknowledging it, instead of just not thinking about it which was what i did all through high school. I'm not really out, but i have no problems being gay. I haven't come out to my family because...i don't really have a reason. I know that it wouldn't change much. I'd still be treated the same, my family is very laid back and we are all just very independent. My problem is the fact that i feel i have to come out. It's no one's business but my own and whomever i choose to date. I am very private when it comes to sex. It's a cheek reddening topic for me.
Most of my friends are girls. Two know I'm gay and are still trying to get me to admit it. They actually knew before I did and casually invited me to my first pride parade. I've gone back to pride with them, and a gay club. I'm reluctant to give them what they want because of my stubbornness. I'm not afraid of their reactions, (most likely "DUH!") but I can't do it. It's a core part of who I am and I just can't give myself up to that kind of vulnerability even though I know it wouldn't make a difference. I shouldn't have to give that up to just anyone. I'm out at work because my coworkers came to their own conclusions and i have no problem with that. Getting to the point. I don't really have men in my life who I'd consider friends. I'm planning to check out the GSA at my school and see how that works out. Is it easier to make gay friends after 21? The gay part of my town is all 21 and up, unlike L.A. How much of a difference would it make, because I am definitely excited about going to the bars and clubs, not to hookup though. I can't do casual sex. I just want to get to the point where I have buddies who i actually have stuff in common with, not just "hags". Am I not trying hard enough or will turning 21 be a turning point in my life that I'm really hoping it will be.
 
I wish I was still twenty.

I guess it get's easier, the older you get, the more time you have to become comfortable enough not to give a shit. And then you'll get three or four really fun years.

And then you'll turn twenty five and realize that you are almost thirty. And then the months start literally flying by and you keep getting a tiny bit older and less attractive.

For the rest of your life.




Enjoy being twenty.
 
It gets easier for over-thinkers once they come out. Never kick those so called hags to the curb. Appreciate what they have done and continue to do for you.

The clubs don't automaticly do anything other than allow you to to be yourself.

I've gotten the impression from your post that while you give a lot of thought to being gay you don't indicate what you feel about it. As I see it the true value of coming out is that we are able to bring sexual orientation into our emotional and spiritual lives as well as our intellectual. We all give off vibes. The vibe received from a fully integrated individual is more complete and attractive than from one who is closeted.

Looking back at my younger days, I now think that my reluctance towards casual sex had more to do with fear than morality. I can't speak for you and I don't want to put anyone down who feels strongly about the beauty and magic of sex, but, frankly, I think virginity is over rated. I think life is more about experience, adventure and reasonable risk. The attractive person is the one who does, not the one who thinks about doing.

So, as to the bottom line, there is nothing automaticly magical about turning 21, just as there isn't turning 18. Those ages are arbitrary legal designations. You have the ability to make them magical, but the key is the actions you take. My advice is to take action and be active not passive in all matters in your life.

I wish you well on your journey.
 
I don't have too much to add. I will say that being 21 does make it easier to get involved in some aspects of the community like the bars and some fundraising type parties where they might have cocktails. The older you get the more financially independent you are, which will also make coming out easier.
 
For me it got harder. The mid-20s you'll go through a psychological stage, a 'lost 20s' where you will be slow-suicide and romantic-ish, as your brain adjusts to all the realities of the world.

The key thing during this stage is that you have to force yourself to connect to the outside world, I think, even when you feel like you just want to isolate yourself and idealize/romanticize everything. Resist the temptation and stay connected to real people, no matter how disillusioned you feel. Don't make the same mistakes I did.

Also you're never going to find a happy, loving relationship with one 'grand gesture all at once' which it sounds like is your mindset from your post. Don't be afraid to hookup or think that all hookups are going to be sleazy and inhumane. Yes, they can be- but you also need to play the field a bit, as much as guys like you for you are, we also want you to be able to suck and fuck good. =p Don't settle down with the wrong guy just because you want to be in a relationship.

Dan Savage, found his partner by a hookup. By just a (seemingly) meaningless romp in the sack. I've also grown to care about guys that I did nothing but eat their ass in their cars. It's like gays need to stop 'grandmotherly-izing' love or something.
 
The majority of people in their 20s love to go out drinking, and will think you're lame until you're old enough to legally do this.

So, it'll probably be easier to meet people when you turn 21. I'm also 20. . .but I hate alcohol.
 
I'm in a similar position. I haven't come out to my family, yet they know as well as I do pretty much. Its just not written in stone. I don't really plan on "coming out" to them because I don't really see it as necessary in my case.

I think you should embrace the fact that your friends are trying to help you out. Pride is pretty fun when your open to the idea. I don't really have many male friends either at least not ones I regularly hang out with.

Personally I can't wait to turn 21 which will be in about a year. I'm planning to move to Atlanta for college *crosses fingers*. I currently live an 1hr away (in the country backwoods ahhh) lol.

I've been reluctant to do the whole club thing seeing as how i didn't want to do it alone. The only gay friend I have is really timid and more of the coffee shop kind of guy. Personally I love alcohol, it can really break down barriers if you enjoy it and aren't a crazy sloppy drunk. (!)


iiiset said:
No. You get older and older and older and opportunities whiz by you and critical period windows close on you and people forget you and then you die alone.
Click to expand...
haha I love that
 
Wow. It's really nice to get all these perspectives on things. I guess my biggest fault is that I really am a romanticist. About everything. I refuse to settle and I never really thought about how that affects me negatively. I just expect a lot from myself i guess.
I just have to start putting myself out there. "There" being a very scary and untraveled place. I'll also try to cut back on reading gay romance novels on my kindle cause I having a feeling that they're ruining reality for me.
 
no4321 said:
I just have to start putting myself out there. "There" being a very scary and untraveled place. I'll also try to cut back on reading gay romance novels on my kindle cause I having a feeling that they're ruining reality for me.
Click to expand...


That's why they call them "fiction" sweetheart. Almost all storytelling has been a celebration of fantasy since the beginning of history. They show everlasting romance in movies and books, but in real life it's vital to have PARTNERSHIP skills, and to understand that there WILL be rough patches. Otherwise, you will definitely be disillusioned and hurt.


Keep us updated.
 
no4321 said:
Hi,
I'm 20 right now and am feeling a little repressed. The hardest part of being gay for me was actually acknowledging it, instead of just not thinking about it which was what i did all through high school. I'm not really out, but i have no problems being gay. I haven't come out to my family because...i don't really have a reason. I know that it wouldn't change much. I'd still be treated the same, my family is very laid back and we are all just very independent. My problem is the fact that i feel i have to come out. It's no one's business but my own and whomever i choose to date. I am very private when it comes to sex. It's a cheek reddening topic for me.
Most of my friends are girls. Two know I'm gay and are still trying to get me to admit it. They actually knew before I did and casually invited me to my first pride parade. I've gone back to pride with them, and a gay club. I'm reluctant to give them what they want because of my stubbornness. I'm not afraid of their reactions, (most likely "DUH!") but I can't do it. It's a core part of who I am and I just can't give myself up to that kind of vulnerability even though I know it wouldn't make a difference. I shouldn't have to give that up to just anyone. I'm out at work because my coworkers came to their own conclusions and i have no problem with that. Getting to the point. I don't really have men in my life who I'd consider friends. I'm planning to check out the GSA at my school and see how that works out. Is it easier to make gay friends after 21? The gay part of my town is all 21 and up, unlike L.A. How much of a difference would it make, because I am definitely excited about going to the bars and clubs, not to hookup though. I can't do casual sex. I just want to get to the point where I have buddies who i actually have stuff in common with, not just "hags". Am I not trying hard enough or will turning 21 be a turning point in my life that I'm really hoping it will be.
Click to expand...

This is basically my story too... Im pretty private myself so me sitting someone down to tell them im gay would be completely out of character as i never give much away anyway so i'd feel pretty ackward doing so. I feel most ackward about just telling people something i'd normally consider private but i'd hate them to find out from someone else cos unfortunatly sexuality seems like the biggest deal nowadays.

I should just have a t-shirt made saying yep im gay lets be honest who am i fooling (!).
I wish there was a way for people to just know like when u finally accept it something about u changes and it lets people know lol. I'll stop rambling on now. Good Luck :-).
 
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