goodbyemountainman
On the Prowl
My gosh, every time I give a thought about it, I feel so worn out. This my first relationship...ever, but it already made me want to stay single for the rest of my life. I have tried to write this down hundreds of times but since it was too much, I didn't post any of those. Here is the best I can sum up with:
We have seen each other for total 1.5 months (not includes the time we off). After I decided to put more of myself out there, I went to the bar after a long time and met D, my boyfriend. We had a great time at the bar and he ended up staying overnight at my super messy apartment. For the first two weeks, it was amazing. A few problems there (which I will mention later) but overall, both of us was over the moon (cliché, I know). But after that, the depressive, cynical part of myself told me that this was going to fast, and I need to slow down. So I told him I need a break. The next day I called and said: "this is just too fast and obviously I still have a lots of issue to myself and I need to resolve them first before enter the relationship." He took it like a good sport. So that was our "off" moment.
I decided not to call him for the next month, although I missed him crazy. The ice was broke when I came home with different guy and all in my head was D. I know I made a mistake, and I know I'm at the better state now, so I decided that I want him back. I invited him to come over for dinner, apologized to him, we have sex, so I thought we are back to the track. I asked if he wants to come back and spend the night. He said "Yes". Nope, after about 6 or 7 times I called, he blew me off at 5 AM. First fight right after we made up: he accused me being an insensitive jerk for ditching him that time and hurting him badly. Of course I acknowledged that it was my fault, but for him doing this as a punishment is just too humiliating for me. We ended our argument and met the next day.
That was the first time. After we made up and forgot the first fight, he continued to stood me up again. The same scenario: he goes out drinking and I stay home waiting for him like a big idiot. But the second time was worse. He stood me up for no god damned reason. Every time I called or text him he was some place that he had not told me about before. 4 AM I called him, he said he's in a friend's birthday. Why the fuck do people having Bday at 4 in the morning? I was boiling, of course. I told him get the fucking cab (because both he and I don't have a car) and come back here. It was 5:30. That time I was too exhausted to fight.
After that, it happened again...3 times. No particular explanation. Just, "I'm too scared" or "I'm just afraid you don't want me to come over."? Scare? Afraid of what? I admit I'm sort of an asshole to him sometimes: I don't always pick up his calls or I don't like listen to him complaining about work all the time. I know it's bad, but it's just really irking to me when I have to answer his calls all the time while my mind is at some works. And I do text and call him back. Oh, and speaking of communication: we are one town apart, non of us has a car (I'm a student-a car is not needed, and he has 3 DUI therefore cannot afford insurance), we both have phones, but his phone cannot make or receive call (which I HATE, every time we need to talk, I always have to text him and wait for him to decide to call me or not). I understand that his work as a hair dresser is very stressful. But for him to talk about hair and hair every moment we spend together is just irritating. But above all, I think I'm trying to be a good boyfriend: I don't cheat on him, I have online profile, but just for looking at pretty boys' pictures or make friend. I don't flirt with other people. I let him have a good times with his friends. I even told him that I'm cool with him fooling around with some people, as long as it's safe (fyi, I don't think it's insecurity, it's just that I'm comfortable with open-relationship) I may act aloof but when he needs me, I'm always there for him. Whenever he's at my place, I make sure he gets a good time. So what makes him scared???
And in return, I get what? Not only he drunkenly stood me up 5 times in less than 4 weeks, but he's constantly talking about his work, either on the phone or at my place.Other time he's just sleeping. It's just too difficult for him to open up more. Whenever we get into that point, he always brings out excuse to end the conversation. Is relationship supposed to be excited and fun in the beginning? I want to spend more quality time with him to do things like playing games, watching TV, reading news, making suppers. I suggested it, he promised and it's still the same. I just feel less excited when he comes over.
I really don't know what to do with this "so-called" relationship. Less than two months and it's drained me out...hard. I wish there is some way to resolve this. Part of me wants to out. The rest told myself to be patient and try harder. But frankly, with me being this young (21), giving up seems to be the easier option. Idk....
We have seen each other for total 1.5 months (not includes the time we off). After I decided to put more of myself out there, I went to the bar after a long time and met D, my boyfriend. We had a great time at the bar and he ended up staying overnight at my super messy apartment. For the first two weeks, it was amazing. A few problems there (which I will mention later) but overall, both of us was over the moon (cliché, I know). But after that, the depressive, cynical part of myself told me that this was going to fast, and I need to slow down. So I told him I need a break. The next day I called and said: "this is just too fast and obviously I still have a lots of issue to myself and I need to resolve them first before enter the relationship." He took it like a good sport. So that was our "off" moment.
I decided not to call him for the next month, although I missed him crazy. The ice was broke when I came home with different guy and all in my head was D. I know I made a mistake, and I know I'm at the better state now, so I decided that I want him back. I invited him to come over for dinner, apologized to him, we have sex, so I thought we are back to the track. I asked if he wants to come back and spend the night. He said "Yes". Nope, after about 6 or 7 times I called, he blew me off at 5 AM. First fight right after we made up: he accused me being an insensitive jerk for ditching him that time and hurting him badly. Of course I acknowledged that it was my fault, but for him doing this as a punishment is just too humiliating for me. We ended our argument and met the next day.
That was the first time. After we made up and forgot the first fight, he continued to stood me up again. The same scenario: he goes out drinking and I stay home waiting for him like a big idiot. But the second time was worse. He stood me up for no god damned reason. Every time I called or text him he was some place that he had not told me about before. 4 AM I called him, he said he's in a friend's birthday. Why the fuck do people having Bday at 4 in the morning? I was boiling, of course. I told him get the fucking cab (because both he and I don't have a car) and come back here. It was 5:30. That time I was too exhausted to fight.
After that, it happened again...3 times. No particular explanation. Just, "I'm too scared" or "I'm just afraid you don't want me to come over."? Scare? Afraid of what? I admit I'm sort of an asshole to him sometimes: I don't always pick up his calls or I don't like listen to him complaining about work all the time. I know it's bad, but it's just really irking to me when I have to answer his calls all the time while my mind is at some works. And I do text and call him back. Oh, and speaking of communication: we are one town apart, non of us has a car (I'm a student-a car is not needed, and he has 3 DUI therefore cannot afford insurance), we both have phones, but his phone cannot make or receive call (which I HATE, every time we need to talk, I always have to text him and wait for him to decide to call me or not). I understand that his work as a hair dresser is very stressful. But for him to talk about hair and hair every moment we spend together is just irritating. But above all, I think I'm trying to be a good boyfriend: I don't cheat on him, I have online profile, but just for looking at pretty boys' pictures or make friend. I don't flirt with other people. I let him have a good times with his friends. I even told him that I'm cool with him fooling around with some people, as long as it's safe (fyi, I don't think it's insecurity, it's just that I'm comfortable with open-relationship) I may act aloof but when he needs me, I'm always there for him. Whenever he's at my place, I make sure he gets a good time. So what makes him scared???
And in return, I get what? Not only he drunkenly stood me up 5 times in less than 4 weeks, but he's constantly talking about his work, either on the phone or at my place.Other time he's just sleeping. It's just too difficult for him to open up more. Whenever we get into that point, he always brings out excuse to end the conversation. Is relationship supposed to be excited and fun in the beginning? I want to spend more quality time with him to do things like playing games, watching TV, reading news, making suppers. I suggested it, he promised and it's still the same. I just feel less excited when he comes over.
I really don't know what to do with this "so-called" relationship. Less than two months and it's drained me out...hard. I wish there is some way to resolve this. Part of me wants to out. The rest told myself to be patient and try harder. But frankly, with me being this young (21), giving up seems to be the easier option. Idk....
