Does it really "get better"?

[forest22]

I see all these sites and videos saying "It gets better." I truly think these videos are a good thing and help some people. But quite honestly for me, it hasn't.

Ever since "realizing who i am," things have gone from bad to worse it seems. (I'm bi, btw.) The first guy I came out to told everyone the next day after I told them not to. The first guy I ever kissed strung me along and dumped me on New Years. (this was two years ago.) I ended up moving away from home to a new city and thought I would try being out just to see how it was. (I NEVER want my parents to find out, so its was a perfect opportunity). But then as soon as I moved here, I met this girl. I have never felt anything for anyone the way I felt about her. So I remained closeted. But I was so conflicted with my feelings, I ended up not making a move soon enough, and she grew uninterested in me.

So I tried going on dates and stuff with some guys, but every time they stopped talking to me after one or two dates. EVERY TIME. I used to think they were just jerks but after 12 times in a row (I am not kidding. I counted.) I'm begining to think that maybe something is wrong with me....

I'm not exactly an unattractive guy. I work out. Everyone compliments my body. My face isnt horrible. I dont have a small penis. Maybe I'm just uninteresting? Or bad in bed? Or too picky? I don't know..... I just don't understand why no one wants me.....

I'm so lonely all of the time. I don't have that many close friends, and I really would like someone to just like me for who i am. I used to believe in true love and romance and love at first sight, all that Disney shit.... But now it just seems like maybe there isnt always someone for everyone. Maybe I'm not meant to be with anyone. It makes me wish I'd have never come out to anyone. Maybe I'm just meant to be unhappy so everyone else can be happy. I just wish it didnt hurt this much.

 

[TX-Beau]

OR you're unsure of yourself and coming across as needy.

I don't say that to be mean, but a lot of times people transmit things to others that keep others at a distance without realizing it.

A lot of guys think I'm unapproachable - which isn't the case, but I must give off this vibe, and I didn't really know until some friends of mine pointed it out.


Look stop trying to find a boyfreind, why don't you focus on just finding friends and building a life you are comfortable in just for yourself, that expresses your interests and personality.

The more confident about who you are with yourself, the more guys will notice you, and not your depression.

Oh and get some help for that. Counseling is never a bad thing.

 

[Greenherbz]

Also, the 12 guys that you dated, did you meet all or most of them online through websites like a4a, manhunt, or Grindr?
That also might be a key indicator why they may have failed

 

[forest22]

How? Like, do you have any tips on how to be more confident and comfortable and whatnot?

And only one of guys I met on Dlist. The others I met from work or facebook, etc.

 

[TX-Beau]

First thing you need to do is get some help for that depression you're in. We can't help you with that.

Confidence starts within yourself. You have to be comfortable with you, and I don't think you are.

How to get there. Go find a life for you. Having a boyfriend will not make you happy, all your issues will still be right there - plus the likelihood that you won't be able to make it work because of your issues.

So step back. Go out, just to have a good time, join a club, go dancing, sample restaurants all across town, go to a ballgame, go flirt, go make new friends, get out of your house. Date a bunch of guys just for the fun of it.

No expectations, no "is he my soul-mate." What makes you happy? Bring a buddy and go do a lot of that. Give yourself the space you need to be yourself and stop putting all that fucking pressure on yourself and all the guys you date to pony up with the forever immediately.

Do you like movies? Camping? Trips to Vegas? Strippers and Martinis? You don't have to have a boyfriend to do anything you want to do - and the happier you get with your life and yourself, the happier someone else will be to share it with you.

being a depressed guy in despair of ever finding a boyfriend is not something people generally want to be a part of - nor do they want to be the cure for your ills.

Turn yourself into the guy you want to date and I guarantee you someone will notice.

The thing is, you have to take control of your own life, not let events control you.

 

[midnight81]

I agree with everything everyone else said. I especially think making friends who like you for YOU is one of the first steps in gaining confidence. But before you can find true friends you have to start being honest with yourself. You're bi---that's a part of who you are. You can't hide it forever and it seems to me that hiding it is part of what is causing you problems. You're extremely uncomfortable with the fact that you like guys and you're keeping this big secret which you see as shameful.

Making friends who like you for you and who are accepting of your bisexuality is key. They will help you get more comfortable being yourself and realizing that being bi is just another part of the larger picture of who you are, and eventually it won't even matter. It'll just be one of the many things that makes you interesting and your own unique person. And eventually you may get to a point where you feel comfortable enough with it to tell your parents.

Now I'm not a huge fan of "following the gay rules." I think you can make friends anywhere (join clubs, go to your local GLBT center and take part in activities, go on dating/socializing sites and apps), but you have to be upfront. If you meet guys on OKCupid or Grindr/Scruff/Growlr/whatever, you should say right in your profile that you're looking for friendship and maybe the occasional casual date. If something blossoms with one of those guys down the road, maybe see where it goes, but don't go in expecting fireworks and a relationship right away. Trust me---I'm 30 and all I've wanted since I was a teenager was a boyfriend. And I've NEVER had one. I waited years to finally gain the courage to even approach guys I was interested in (I still have trouble talking to new guys in person unless they've already shown interest), and I've been through the 2 dates and then they're gone scenario SO many times, but in the past few years I've grown into a new confidence with dating. I'm ok with making friends with guys I don't click with (they may have other gay friends who I DO click with or they may just turn out to be the really good friend I need at a crucial time in my life) and I'm ok with the occasional hookup that disappears because I know THIS guy isn't the only guy or the last guy.

Dating sucks and it seems hopeless, but it DOES get better. Part of that is taking things into your own hands, though, and pointing them towards better. And part of that is keeping the hope that things will get better, even when life seems ultra-shitty. And one thing's for sure, if you take your own life, things will never have the chance to get better and you'll never have the chance to experience the good stuff that could've come your way if you had just stuck around to see it through.

I feel for you. If you ever want to chat, DM me. I may take a while to respond (I don't always see the DMs right away) but I come on here almost every day and I'm happy to chat with someone who is going through what I did/sometimes still do).

 

[Rolyo85]

In other news, yes, it is getting better. But that's only in the way others perceive your sexuality, and has NOTHING to do with how YOU feel about yourself. The fact that now there are places you can marry a dude can't really change your bad decision in who to come out to, and neither can it hook you up with the love of your life.

Everything else I would say to you, TX-Beau has already said.

Also, why don't you want your parents to ever know? I know personal experience changes from person to person, and unlike our friends, we don't pick our parents, but my first thought after coming out to myself and my closest friends was that I had to tell my parents. They love me, and support me, both emotionally, and financially, and they have done so much for me that I felt like I owed them the truth. I'm not saying your case is the same, but I'd be interested in reading your reasons out of curiosity.

 

[22closetboy]

Everyone who comes out has doubts, because when they do, they or we, seeing as I'm out too, we start to worry more about the people that now know instead of ourselves, which is who it affects most....is us. Honestly, just look on the net for friendly gay chats and talk it over with people like us, who aren't just looking to have sex all the time. Also straight people have bad luck in love aswell, it's not just you, you'll find someone, everyone has atleast one horror story. Keep your chin up and be proud looking out at the world through your sexy tight shirt and D&G designer shades hun.