Does this happen to anyone else?

[Jay.Jay]

I can't speak to your specific question, but I do have a comment: It sounds like your friend is suffering from depression in a fairly substantial way - on anti-depressants, stopped working, disengaged, interacting is an effort. That being the case, his not seeming to care may well be because he can't summon the energy to care. That may sound a bit strange, but it is not an uncommon circumstance for a depressed person to have trouble summoning the energy to get out of bed, let alone to actually do anything that seems productive. Further, he may find that when he does manage to do anything (like interacting with you) there is a cost to be paid afterwards in the form of a prolonged 'down' period.

I have no idea how his feelings would alter the situation.

 

[Jay.Jay]

Depression is self inflicted and caused by social and environmental circumstances many people can't or won't change.

Sorry, but I can't leave that unchallenged. Depression is NOT self inflicted. If a person has an imbalance in the levels of neurotransmitters and / or other brain chemicals, this is not something which they did to themselves, and nor is it something for which they should be blamed. Opinions like this are decidely unhelpful for those who suffer from depressive illnesses. A statement such as yours is likely to upset some people, and contributes to the societal stigma associated with mental illnesses.

 

[G-Lexington]

If you've still got an e-mail address, you might reach out to him in a very simple way. Send him a line - "Haven't heard from you - hope you're doing OK." I don't think that'll send any "mixed messages", but it will show that there's someone that cares about his well-being.

Lex

 

[backpacker]

I've had similar situations with some girls that were friends. They weren't best friends, but I somewhat know how you feel. I also understand for them it becomes too hard to hang out with someone that they want a relationship with, but know it will never happen.

 

[NickCole]

Hey guys,

This is my first real post on here so be gentle. I'm in a bit of a situation that I'm trying desperately to figure out. I have a friend (gay) who is for the sake of a better term, "In love with me" and since of course I do not recipricate any feelings, for two reason, I'm married, and secondly, I don't see him that way, I find our relationship has spiraled out of existance.

This is upsetting since he was such a great friend through some good and bad times in my life. It started with phone calls petering out, then complete silence for months. His mental well being went down hill too (Not associated with me, I am pretty sure at least), but he stopped going to work, and hasn't been back in almost a year, he's on some big anti-depressants, and now we just don't talk.

Any times that we've actually talk in the last year it was very awkward, and just not worth the effort. Since I don't see having a friend as effort, I've let this whole relationship go, and as hurtfull as if seems, he doesn't seem to care much either. I feel it may just be a defense mechanism on his part.

You don't see having a friend as effort?

I put effort into my friends and my friends put effort into me if necessary. Those who don't, aren't my friend for very long. Life is not always smooth sailing and who wants a friend who flies off when the sea gets choppy?

Anyway, i'm not sure that made any sense, but I'm curious since this Forum is always full of "I'm in love with my best friend" and we always hear the side of the person "in love". Does anyone here related to being on the other side of that coin, like me. It's very frustrating and hard to deal with since he wont talk to me about his true feelings, our 9 year friendship is gone, done. Sigh.

You seem to have a lot more sympathy for yourself than for him -- but he's the one in love with you who's married and not in love with him, and he's the one who's so depressed he's not even going to work in almost a year ... I'm sorry but I'm not getting why YOU'RE sighing. Why do you let months pass without calling him? If it's awkward talking and he won't share his true feelings, make a time to get together in person, draw him out, insist he talk about his true feelings, be a safe person for him to talk to. If he's in love with you, he'll listen to you. Your friend is in distress; help him.

 

[slobone]

I agree that friendship can often require a certain amount of effort. If you're a real friend you'll stick with somebody through the hard times. Of course it can get to the point where it requires more stamina than you're willing to put into it.

If you're friend is too depressed to reach out to you, I think you should be the one to make the effort. Be proactive about letting him know you still care about him and want to keep in touch with him.

If he persists in trying to have a romantic relationship with you, you may need to just be honest and say, I really don't think of you that way. Then it's up to him whether he wants to have a platonic relationship or not.

But it looks like you're never going to find out if you don't take the first step.

 

[phoenix72]

I would just put it out there that you want to talk to him, maybe meet somewhere and chat about whatever's happening in your lives. Let him know that you value your friendship and are willing to put some effort into it. Tell him you cherish him as a friend but thats all nothing more nothing less.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

I also find that maintaining friendships requires a degree of effort. My operational word here being 'a degree'... Effort is fine. Burden is not.

Sadly, he fell in love with you and you were not in a position to return his feelings. Actually, he did the very best thing, he could have possibly done. He moved on.

I would not really associate his emotional relationship with you and all of his depression which ensued. Indeed, as it has been previously mentioned, depression is NOT self-inflicted.

Friendships are like so many other good things in life: they are born, they grow, they develop and sometimes they die, too.

I do not see, why should you feel any degree of major responsibility for his albeit, sad destiny. You never indicated that you encouraged his expressions of love and you also never indicated that you led him to believe that you were intent on returning his love. It would be hard to blame you for his feelings and the consequences thereof, unless you did anything to mislead him in that direction.

SC

 

[spreadeagle]

We can't go through life dragging every relationship with us like so much deadwood. Sometimes we need to prune or slash and burn. You had a good relationship in the past = great! It's not working now and your efforts to revive it have failed. So forget it.

You're using the fact that he was/is 'in love with you' as some sort of self-imposed emotional blackmail. You're not responsible for another person's feelings. You sound like a bit of a 'rescuer'.

 

[spreadeagle]

Just to clarify, Cute, I meant that you were (unconsciously) black-mailing yourself - the guilt you make yourself feel if you fail to rescue him. Another person's declaration of love for us places no responsibility on us to reciprocate.

 

[rareboy]

He needs better meds and management. You can't save him on your own, but it is amazing how so many people are so embarrassed and in denial about clinical depression that they allow their friends and relatives to slide into an abyss without lifting a finger.

Here's a little tale to keep in mind. The closeted football team star in High School who remained at home with the parents and after they died, gradually descended into a haze of alcoholism and depression before he just finally killed himself. I read his obit in the hometown paper a month or so ago. Everyone around him feeling guilty and angry. Too late though.

Maybe you should try reaching out to this guy before it is too late. Otherwise, you'll likely just end up sending flowers.

 

[kurtwild]

first of all the fact that you are married means nothing,if you like him too.
secondly how do you know he is in love with you?
has he ever told you sthg like this?

 

[Jay.Jay]

Your post clarifies a lot of stuff and helps explain the dilemma which is much stickier than I first thought it was. No easy answers come to mind.

I agree with Kutuzoff completely - the effort that you went to to go to him when you were worried was substantial, and really reflects well on you as a person.

I'd also agree that his (romantic) feelings for you aren't that imoprtant at the moment, although I can also understand why your situation is difficult.

However, if there really isn't anyone else closer to him with whom you can raise your concerns (and it sounds like ther isn't), then I think that you need to do something more to try and get him the help that he appears to really need - both for his sake and for your peace of mind. As Kutzoff said, I'll just say some stuff and let you take or leave what you will, as you are definitely not in a place with any easy answers.

Does he know the trouble he put you through? Does he know your worry and your anger? If he values your friendship and your respect maybe it will embarass him into shaping up. If he's acting the way he is because he's directionless maybe you should give him a direction. Tell him to work. Tell him to make new friends. Tell him to get a boyfriend. Don't be shy. You're friends aren't you? Moreover, he owes you and there's only so much you can do. Does he know the limits of your friendship? You certainly don't want him using you as a crutch. If he says you go too far or you presume too much then at least if the worst should ever happen you can console yourself that you did try to do something and you didn't just let him waste away. It came straight from him that it wasn't your business.

If he doesn't know all the effort that you went to, and all the concerns that you have, then I think you need to tell him. Not because you deserve some recognition, or because he might be grateful, but because it might help him to see that he has value as a person. People don't just drop everything and fly to a different city for someone who isn't important to them, and if his self esteem is poor, then it might be good for him to see that someone does care.

You could also try to remind him of what he has done to help you in the past when you had bad times. He needs to recognise that he is a good person who is suffering from a mental illness, and that he needs help to get out of the dark place in which he is trapped. Helping him to recognise the person he was might help him to realise how different he has become - I know in my own case that it wasn't until I realised there was something wrong that I could see how badly my health had deteriorated.

However, I don't agree that you should try to embarass him or tell him what to do - if he is really depressed, this could seem like another pressure and provide another reason to retreat. I'd put it more as an offer of a helping hand - letting him know that he is too valuable a person to be allowed to just withdraw from life, and that he has things to offer the world. Maybe this is best done by letter, so that you aren't intruding on his space, but I'd tell him that you want some sort of response, and that you'll chase to get it. Send him a stamped self-addressed envelope, so he has to send something back. Send multple copies. Maybe include a self-assessment guide and ask him to evaluate himself. I don't really know - I do take your point about why he might not have wanted you to see his place. It also might be because it is his only space that is truly his - and so no one is allowed to invade it.

I just really feel that he needs help, and whilst it is usually necessary for someone to ask for help, you can try to help him recognise that he needs help - and I get the feeling that you are going to regret it if you don't do anything and his life continues to spiral out of control - because my impression is that his situation is a tragedy waiting to happen. I'm not trying to guilt you - and it isn't your responsibility - but the important issue isn't whether you have a responsibility, it is whether you feel that you do, or whether you have imposed a responsibility onto yourself. I think that you have, and so you are going to feel terrible if you don't act.