Does your inability to socialise properly ever frustrate you?

[ChickenGuy]

It frustrates me frequently, and sometimes upsets me.

When I'm with a group of guys that I'm semi-acquainted with, or am near them, I WANT to be able to join in with the banter, the jokes, the quick replies, and the interesting comments, but I'm never able to. I find it disheartening and depressing.

What ALWAYS ends up happening is the following:

I just watch everyone else speak, and I'm not able to input much except for isolated sentences.

I get uncomfortable because I feel that I'm somehow intruding upon them and they don't want me around.

I get the impression that my silence and uneasiness is glaringly obvious to them.

Sometimes, I would just like nothing more than to have a group of guys as my friends. Just to do perfectly ordinary things like go out in town, go round to each other's houses, call each other up, go places with, etc.

Why does my damn personality and self-consciousness have to make it so difficult for me?

 

[jknightuk]

I can sort of relate to this.

I find it very difficult to socialise. Not because I don't want to talk to anyone. It's more a case of me being worried about making a right ass of myself.

I feel I'm not the best looking person in the world, and my looks tend to make me back off talking. I practically live like I am a monk now. Last time I verbally spoke to someone it was on my cellphone about 3 weeks ago. It's easy for me to chat on the internet as nobody can really see me face-to-face.

I've met quite a few nasty peeps too. I guess one of my partners who was violent did'nt help me much either. I could not even walk out the street door for months afterwards.

Nowadays, I stick to visiting JUB to chat with everyone

 

[herry1]

Some are one on one people and some are good in a crowd

I'm a one on one person. Maybe 2 or 3 at most


If the group extends I retreat and just make the occasional comment.

 

[DigitalFudge]

I am actually fantastic at socializing I just would rather chug ipecac.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

I'm extremely friendly, fun, funny, flirty, and outgoing!!!!

... when I'm drunk.

Most of my friends PREFER me when I'm drunk.

I'd love to have my drunk personality while sober, and without the hangovers.

 

[Rex]

Maybe you have an anxiety disorder. It helps to see a medical professional about that but what you're describing isn't uncommon.

 

[nfgrls]

I am a VERY shy and quiet person especially around new people and I tend to over worry what they are all thinking... put some alchol in me and I dont care and will be social... so most of my boyfriends friends actually think I have a drinking problem .. though I dont get shit faced drunk .. just a few.. and this is like once a week if that...

 

[Rex]

I am a VERY shy and quiet person especially around new people and I tend to over worry what they are all thinking... put some alchol in me and I dont care and will be social... so most of my boyfriends friends actually think I have a drinking problem .. though I dont get shit faced drunk .. just a few.. and this is like once a week if that...

Nothing wrong with drinking to have fun but if you feel like you can't be social unless you drink that is anxiety, probably social anxiety and you should talk to a doctor about it and maybe about medication that can help.

 

[Puddle]

I've always just accepted my social awkwardness for what it was, and only recently realised it might actually be a problem. For starters, I don't have any close friends right now... Having that said, I've always valued my alone time, so it's not all bad.

 

[swerve]

It frustrates me frequently, and sometimes upsets me.

When I'm with a group of guys that I'm semi-acquainted with, or am near them, I WANT to be able to join in with the banter, the jokes, the quick replies, and the interesting comments, but I'm never able to. I find it disheartening and depressing.

What ALWAYS ends up happening is the following:

I just watch everyone else speak, and I'm not able to input much except for isolated sentences.

I get uncomfortable because I feel that I'm somehow intruding upon them and they don't want me around.

I get the impression that my silence and uneasiness is glaringly obvious to them.

Sometimes, I would just like nothing more than to have a group of guys as my friends. Just to do perfectly ordinary things like go out in town, go round to each other's houses, call each other up, go places with, etc.

Why does my damn personality and self-consciousness have to make it so difficult for me?

I have actually MET YOU in PERSON!!!

And I found you EXTRAORDINARILY intelligent, witty and FUN!!!

And maybe a little quiet...

 

[bankside]

Mr. Bankside is very quiet. He can meet people in a group of my friends on a few separate occasions before he might even do more than say hello and look at his drink.

The day after the third or fourth meeting, my friends will inevitably say something to the effect of "I had no idea he was so funny! I'm still splitting myself laughing with that crack about watermelons. It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for, isn't it?"

Sometimes less is more.

 

[Anders123]

Why does my damn personality and self-consciousness have to make it so difficult for me?

I think herein is the issue. Generally, people tend to have a particular perception of who they should be; I should be witty, I should be intelligent, I should be attractive, I should be popular etc.

Low self-esteem tends to come into play when in a person's mind, those perceptions do not meet the reality (these perceptions, more often than not, are extremely misconstrued). "I'm not very witty, I'm not particularly intelligent, I'm not popular... well, why not? What am I doing wrong?" - These questions, typical of those with low self-esteem, tend to manifest doubt, frustration, and even in more extreme cases, self-hatred.

Low self-esteem, and its accompanying distorted perspective, tends to make it problematic for an individual to give themselves an accurate appraisal. It can be difficult for them to assess their strengths and weaknesses - because to them, their weaknesses are all-encompassing. They feel inadequate because another person is wittier than them, because another person is more intelligent than they are, because someone else has more friends than they do etc.

I think that once they cease to focus on what everybody else has to offer, it becomes much easier for them to see that they have just as much to bring to the table. Self-doubt is the antithesis to confidence. Once a person is able to accept that they don't need to be this 'perfect model' of everything that's 'desirable' in another human being, and that they are perfectly okay just the way that they are, doubts tend to dissipate and confidence will skyrocket.

ChickenGuy, from what I've seen from you on JUB, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your personality. I think you're very intelligent, and I'm sure I've left you more than a handful of comments laughing at your witty puns. I think you're an extremely likable guy, and I don't think it's your personality that's the problem here - but your distorted perception of it.

 

[ShihTzuTylenol]

I socialize very well thank you.....

 

[yummylongsword]

I think herein is the issue. Generally, people tend to have a particular perception of who they should be; I should be witty, I should be intelligent, I should be attractive, I should be popular etc.

Low self-esteem tends to come into play when in a person's mind, those perceptions do not meet the reality (these perceptions, more often than not, are extremely misconstrued). "I'm not very witty, I'm not particularly intelligent, I'm not popular... well, why not? What am I doing wrong?" - These questions, typical of those with low self-esteem, tend to manifest doubt, frustration, and even in more extreme cases, self-hatred.

Low self-esteem, and its accompanying distorted perspective, tends to make it problematic for an individual to give themselves an accurate appraisal. It can be difficult for them to assess their strengths and weaknesses - because to them, their weaknesses are all-encompassing. They feel inadequate because another person is wittier than them, because another person is more intelligent than they are, because someone else has more friends than they do etc.

I think that once they cease to focus on what everybody else has to offer, it becomes much easier for them to see that they have just as much to bring to the table. Self-doubt is the antithesis to confidence. Once a person is able to accept that they don't need to be this 'perfect model' of everything that's 'desirable' in another human being, and that they are perfectly okay just the way that they are, doubts tend to dissipate and confidence will skyrocket.

ChickenGuy, from what I've seen from you on JUB, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your personality. I think you're very intelligent, and I'm sure I've left you more than a handful of comments laughing at your witty puns. I think you're an extremely likable guy, and I don't think it's your personality that's the problem here - but your distorted perception of it.

It's a nice thought that everyone has something to bring to the table, but that's really not necessarily true. When it comes down to everyday socializing, the traits that you need are quick-thinking and humor. If you can't think of anything to say, or if you never say anything funny, no one will like you. It won't matter if you're super-smart or good looking or make a lot of money; if you are not socially skilled, people will not want to be social with you. It's pretty simple.

Most people can find their "niche," however. For instance; for a long time, I was a quiet kid who never really talked to anyone. I started doing acting at my highschool, and the perpetual surrounding of super-extroverts forced me to learn how to socialize. Now, I socialize through a combination of things: sarcasm, elaborating slightly on things that other people say, and saying really stupid things and pretending like I don't realize I've said something stupid. It gets me by well enough. You just need to find what makes YOU funny, and then milk it for all it's worth.

Once you've broken through the initial awkward "meet n' greet" stage, you should end up with people that you more naturally click with, and then you can slowly let your "real" personality bleed through. That's my advice to the socially awkward, anyway. I still feel awkward in groups that are already acquainted (but not with me) and in places where I don't really know what's going on. But those are things to work on, eh?

 

[Corny]

Suddenly I am reminded of socially awkward penguin

 

[rareboy]

You do know that you could talk to a behavioural psychologist about this?

Since it is creating anxiety for you, I would seriously recommend this as a route to follow.

I know some very successful people in the business world who did this and the Dale Carnegie course and they just blossomed.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi ChickenGuy and others,

I tend to think that you should not try to 'socialize' with 'a group of guys that I'm semi-acquainted with, or am near them', just for the mere reason of socializing with people (guys) with whom you don't have alot in common (or maybe nothing in common at all).

I can imagine very well that you feel yourself miserable when you try to socialize with such guys, but these miserable feelings might also be caused as you and the other guys are not on the same 'level of socializing'.

Not all guys like drinking alot of beer, and sit together with each other and tell each other all kind of jokes. Be aware that people are different. Maybe you just try to socialize with people who have not the same ideas as you about what 'socializing' means? Maybe you prefer a decent hike with a guy (and talk alot during such a hike), or maybe you prefer to drink coffee with a guy, and talk with him in the meanwhile? Or with 2 or 3 like-minded and calm guys?

I tend to suggest to you to look to yourself and find out which things you like. I mean, do you like movies, do you like 'taking pictures / cameras and that kind of stuff', do you like travelling, do you like politics, do you like hiking (or that kind of out back activities), etc.

Lets take the example that you like to take photographs and that you have a fair knowledge about cameras. How would you feel when you joined a group of people who have the shared interest? Do you think it is very easy to start any converstation with any guy who also likes taking photographs? Are you as well very shy to start to talk with such guys? I mean, most of them will be straight, but that's not the point.

And how about making contact with that other guy with a camera (and who is also taking alot of pictures) when you are let say doing a holiday-trip to a particular site with a group of 20 people (all have choosen to make this trip to this particular site). Easy of not?

I tend to think that you have to work along these lines to make and to keep contact with other people. You agree with me?

 

[Thad1527]

When I'm with a group of guys that I'm semi-acquainted with, or am near them, I WANT to be able to join in with the banter, the jokes, the quick replies, and the interesting comments, but I'm never able to. I find it disheartening and depressing.

You can't say "never." I was with you in Minneapolis for several such occasions and you did just fine.

Maybe it's just Scots reserve. Or just general reserve.

I have some limits to my social skills. Althpugh it's one of my hopes to play tennis someday, I don't know if I ever will. It's just too daunting to ever express that to someone in person. To actually ask! OMG...I just don't know.

I will also attest to your keen intelligence and good sense of humor.

 

[Swellegant]

I can socialize like mad so long as someone else starts the conversation. And yes, I do find it frustrating that I'm incapable of approaching a stranger or initiating a conversation; but I figure I have other skills, and focus on those instead.

I also organize outings so that I'm with a gregarious person: my two best friends are very gregarious people, and if I attach myself to one of them when we're out together, I can meet people more comfortably.

There's nothing wrong with being the quiet one. People like being listened to, so just be an appreciative audience (laugh, smile, ask follow-up questions, lean in and look fascinated) and you'll always have a place at the table.

 

[SLOPPYSECONDS]

I can socialize like mad so long as someone else starts the conversation. And yes, I do find it frustrating that I'm incapable of approaching a stranger or initiating a conversation; but I figure I have other skills, and focus on those instead.

I also organize outings so that I'm with a gregarious person: my two best friends are very gregarious people, and if I attach myself to one of them when we're out together, I can meet people more comfortably.

There's nothing wrong with being the quiet one. People like being listened to, so just be an appreciative audience (laugh, smile, ask follow-up questions, lean in and look fascinated) and you'll always have a place at the table.

dunno it help but

people wot wanna folk join in ta people just playin their shoes a they group but not
but still keep out sign

ans lot stuff wot is interestin how cultures many male surivie in it way they do across a planet

ans females rah rah flips!

hope get betta soon all folk come internet runnin OP thang