Doesn't enjoy sex!?!

[newman2]

I had only been in relationships with women up to 2 years ago. I was curious and made the leap. Met a great guy and have been in a relationship for a year & a half. Recently while having sex (I'm on top) he said "are you almost done?" Talk about killing the mood. We always have had a good sex life up till that point. I was mad - hurt - confused. We talked about it later and he said that he doesn't enjoy sex - only does it because I want it. That makes me feel like I've been using him this whole time.

He then said most gay guys don't like anal sex. So here is my question. Since this is my first gay relationship - I don''t have a clue - Is this true?

Do I want to be in a long term relationship with somebody who doesn't like sex? Is this shallow of me?

 

[MoltenRock III]

He doesn't "enjoy sex"? Just anal sex, or all types of sex (ie.. blowjobs, hand jobs, etc...)? If he's been feeling this way for 18 months shame on him!!! I'm sorry, but when you do something against your will for your partner (without even telling him) of course resentment builds, but that is 100% on him!

And he's dead wrong saying "most gay guys don't like anal", that's false. The latest report / study I saw was around 85% of gay men participated in anal sex either occasionally or regularly. He's full of shit.

My guess is he's older than you? On anti-depressants or other meds? Has other mental issues?

 

[newman2]

A little younger...now he's trying too hard to convince me he likes it all of a sudden. It's just an awkward situation. The funny thing is I always thought I wasn't lasting long enough - turns out to be the opposite.

Is it like women...the longer you can go the better or not??? So confused at this point.

 

[inimegblue]

I wouldn't be so quick to take it personally. It sounds like he has some internal issues that have nothing to do with you. I say that because he has obliged you all this time with seemingly no problem, he had a moment of honesty that didn't go over too well, and now he's ready to oblige you again to keep you. To my mind that sounds like something HE needs to deal with and get out in the open.

You shouldn't feel like you have been using him. From your point of view everything was consensual and mutually satisfying. Actually the opposite may be true..he's been using you. Maybe not for sex, but for something emotional. I think you guys need to have an honest conversation about HIM or he may need to speak with a professional to get to the root of why he doesn't enjoy sex and why he feels the need to do it just to keep someone in his life. It could be anything from general self esteem issues, daddy issues, self worth issues, self acceptance issues etc, but he needs to get to the bottom of it.

It's not shallow to not want to be in a sexless relationship. It WOULD be shallow if that's all the relationship was about (which I don't think it is). Good luck man. Keep us posted.

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to JUB. I find your question extremely interesting for a couple of reasons. I like the fact that it will remind guys not to take sex for granted and also to include communication and lots of it in any relationship.

I'm struck by the similarity of what you write about and my own experience. I was married to a woman for 14 years and much of that time longing for a relationship with a guy. Once that happened I was a kid in a candy store until my partner stopped me in my tracks with this question. "Do you think you might be a sex addict?"

I thought I was going to fucking die. It seemed he wasn't in the mood for sex every say and was just going along until he no longer could. I thought the world was caving in. Why wouldn't someone want sex every day especially given the circumstance of how we met and our passion for each other?

I had so much pent up sexual energy and got aroused everytime we touched or kissed that I thought it was ok to keep going. After he said what he did I questioned our sex life and had the same question as you. It's not your fault that he didn't bring this up earlier. Think of this the exact opposite of how you have been thinking of it. You have emotional intimacy that is strong enough for him to risk what he said.

It doesn't matter what other couples do or don't do. What matters is that the two of you communicate both your wants and your needs and learn the difference between the two.

My partner and I have been together 28 years and it has not been happy ever after in terms of day to day living, but it has been just that it terms of our bond and commitment. We have had several long term couples counseling periods in our relationship and neither of us would hesitate to sign on again if needed.

All or nothing black and white statements are never really helpful in a discussion and it doesn't matter what other couples do. What matters is that the two of you find ways to please one another in and out of the bedroom. Remember, too, that it's ok to masturbate even in a relationship, either alone or with him helping or watching. Not every couple as perfectly matched libidos.

Please feel free to pm me if you'd like. I wish you well and I'm optimistic you guys will work this out.

 

[Spiff]

He waited a year and a half to tell you this? He's been faking it like a woman all this time? Dude, you need to find a different guy that knows how to communicate and doesn't act like a woman in the sack.

 

[maksim9061]

I don't know where he got that "most gay men don't enjoy anal sex" because I certainly do. There is one guy in my circle of friends that doesn't, and that is out of 12 gay men. I hope things work out for you, and it's not your fault, it's his.

 

[hylas]

well, one thing i can answer for sure: 'most gay guys dont like anal sex' is just plain wrong. 'most guys dont like to bottom' is also wrong. wrong wrong wrong wrong. i love to bottom and i have met more than enough guys who enjoy it, too.

on your boyfriend: woah. youve been with this guy for 1.5 years and hes been faking it all this time? that seems pretty fucked up to me. i would reevaluate what you have with him, and yes, i think its entirely reasonable to break up with somebody because 1) you seem to be sexually incompatible and 2) hes been playing stupid games all this time.

maybe you should take a good look at yourself as well. did you really not notice that sex was one-sided all this time? how can that be, does your bf have judi dench acting chops? ive had my share of guys who, during sex, only think about themselves; only take, never give. its not so much specific things such guys dont do, its more a certain selfish attitude, a certain lack of attention. they are no fun in bed; make sure youre not one of them.

 

[GayGeek]

Great advice from seasoned. Pay close attention to that one.

The biggest issue with your partner (from my point of view) is his lack of communication. He should have told you about his feelings much earlier on.

Also when he said most gay men don't like anal sex, I think what he meant to say is that a lot of us don't have to have it often...which I have found to be the case. Whatever the case, you guys can still make this relationship work. Yes, sex can be an important part of a relationship--but right now...you guys need to get back on the right track where communication is concerned.

For some reason, I think he's exaggerating a bit on his lack of desire for sex. Perhaps he simply means that his sex drive isn't quite as high as yours, and he prefers cuddling, kissing, etc. more. Just sit down and have a long talk with him about it. Because if this problem is enough to cause you to question staying in your relationship--it obviously needs to be discussed at length.

Talking is really the way to go! I was in a relationship that lasted almost a year, but ended because my partner didn't want to talk. We had the same issue that I wanted more sex and he wanted hardly any. We worked on it for a long time, but he just wasn't open enough to get to the root of it all. If there isn't communication, there isn't a chance. Boost communication then come back to the actual sex aspect and see what you can do. Good luck!