Don't even know where to start..

[MrQuiet]

So, I've recently stopped denying that I am extremely attracted to men and I am at least bisexual. I am 21. I used to always tell myself that I would eventually *quit* looking at gay porn and move on with my life...I was probably 12 or 13 when for some reason I figured I would check out gay porn, well just like a drug from that moment I was pretty hooked...Anyways, I denied it and internalized it for years and years up until about a couple of weeks ago when I realized that I can't keep doing this to myself. It has always been a very private thing for me to jerk off to gay porn and it's always made me feel insecure around other friends. I never even considered or was mature enough to forsee that eventually as the attraction grew I would have to confront my sexuality.

Making things 100000x worse, me and one of my best female friends have had sort of an off and on romance since I was a junior in high school. She lives 100 miles away now but we still talk all the time and I know her like the back of my hand and vice versa, and I really love her. She has told me that she is in love with me and we would always joke about getting married..I took her virginity. I really can't even process this situation in my head and it makes me want to cry. I am attracted to her but my attraction to men is stronger and I'm starting to feel emotionally attracted to men as opposed to when I had only been physically attracted before. The thought of her being with another man makes me jealous but at the same time I don't know if I can be the man she wants me to be, it makes my head spin. I feel like I would totally break her heart and shock her if I told her I was bisexual.

Furthermore, and I deeply regret this and never will again, but I have said my share of bigoted things about gays in order to fly under the radar and fit in with my peers. It will be a total shock to her(and others), because from the impression I have given her(and others) I am 0% attracted to men. I dug myself a very deep hole while I was trying to suppress my homosexual feelings over the years...

I don't get along with my father very well and I put on a manly, distant persona around him(not saying gays can't be manly, obviously.) My brother kind of lost his mind and he is never going to have kids, and my dad and my stepmom are always joking how I'm their only chance for grandchildren. We already don't get along very well and I feel like if I told him I was into men he would be so disappointed in me and consider me a failure and be embarrased by me. I am attracted to females sometimes but I'm totally secretly more into men. I feel like every time I say something about a good looking female, nice ass, boobs, etc to try and fit in with friends I am making it exponentially harder to admit this to anyone.. I really want to experience something with another guy, but how the hell do you even approach that when you are in the situation I am in?! I'm not comfortable with people knowing i'm attracted to men but it's eating me up inside! Anyone ever been in a similar situation, and if so, how exactly did you handle it?

 

[Seasoned]

I handled it by marrying my girlfriend and 10 years later had my first experience with a guy. From there I was into anonymous sex as often as I could get it. We had two children by then and I was depressed with thoughts of suicide. I wouldn't recommend that path.

Ultimately, it's your life and your mental health. No one has any right scripting it for you. Very few people in one's life need huge announcements if any at all. That is up to you. Many guys make homophobic comments to deflect attention from their sexuality. Over time you'll figure out ways to forgive yourself and make amends if you chose.

It's your life and you ought to live it authentically. It goes by quickly and you deserve piece of mind. You didn't create homophobia or heterosexism and didn't set out to deceive. You wanted to be who you thought you were suppose to be. Now, you know better.

Welcome to JUB and best wishes and good luck.

 

[bw92116]

You say that your girlfriend and you know each other like the back of your hands... but she doesn't know this about you. Maybe you should talk with her about this. If she is a true friend to you she will accept it and appreciate the fact that you shared this information with her. It could deepen your friendship. On the other hand you say you could break her heart by telling her. If she is in love with you and wants to marry you, her heart would eventually be broken anyway. I think for her sake, the sooner she knows this, the better for her.

About your parents and them wanting grandchildren, it is up to you whether to have children or not, and when and how many. It's not up to your parents to decide. Sorry if that seems kind of cold. Normally I am one to constantly preach that people should be very close and loving to their parents their entire lives. I take care of my Mom who is 93. But no matter what your relationship is, they don't have the right to tell you whether to have children or not. That's up to you.

It sounds like you are totally closeted to everyone you know in person. That must be a tough situation. You feel like you will lose the love and friendship of all those people if they knew who you really were. I personally think that whoever loves you now, will still love you even if they know all about you. They are not going to stop loving you. Maybe those who are homophobic, deeply religious or judgemental about homosexuals and homosexuality will change their attitude towards you if they know. But if not, I'm guessing it will not be a big deal for them. And if your parents know, then that would relieve all the pressure of them expecting you to have children.

But... I'm not a fan of "coming out" announcements, in fact I'm of the opinion that you only tell who asks you. If someone asks you if you are gay or bisexual, then they are ready for the answer whatever it is, so you can go ahead and tell them. If someone doesn't ask you, then either they don't care or they aren't ready for the truth, so telling them, or "springing it on them" is kind of risky because they could react badly. I would just suggest that you keep it to yourself unless asked. Maybe at some point your female friend will ask you, and at that point you can tell her the truth because at that point she will be ready for the truth.

 

[Rolyo85]

I always say that out is better than in. Yes, you lose some people, but apart from your family who you can't chose, everyone else is replaceable, and EVEN when it comes to your family, you only ever need people who like you for who you are, not for who they want you to be.

TX-Beau once said something that made a great impression on me. It was about a different problem (a guy being frustrated with the fact that his bf was completely closeted), but it applies to most coming out situations (I'm rephrasing): the closet isn't something we're entitled to, it's not a natural state. It's this unfortunate place we've been forced into, and there is never a good reason to be there.

So unless you will lose financial support of some kind (like a job, or your parents paying for your college or whatever), you should be out. And not "only if they ask, it's nobody's business" kind of secretive, furtive and half-ashamed out, but completely out. Not as in wear make up and lisp, but never hide it, never censor yourself for anyone's sake.


Now that my usual "COME OUT NOW, BITCH!" rant is done, a little more about your she-friend. It's an unfortunate situation, but if you can so clearly tell that you are more attracted to guys than to her, including emotionally, you owe it to both of you to tell her the truth. Be prepared for an outburst, for her to be mad for a while, and even forever. In fact, OFFER her that option. Let her know you'll understand. Don't go to her reaching for help and support because if she is in love with you, your coming out will hurt her, and initially she will most likely blame you for it. Be prepared to deal with that, give her space and time. You'll both be better for it.

 

[hotb0d]

The first step is to admit it to yourself and I think you are doing that. Just confirm it one more time with yourself. When I was going through my coming out process to myself, I often leave myself in a quiet area and just repeat: I am attracted to men. As many times as possible...until I feel a sense of relief and acceptance. Do it until you can smile.

That first step is always important because no matter how many people you think you'll disappoint...your worse judge is yourself. Get it right with yourself and other people will be a breeze.

The thing with that girl friend of yours...if she insists about a future. maybe you can just say: I'm going through something in my life at the moment and I don't think it's a good time for me to settle down with anyone romantically. And the fact that we are 100 miles apart, to start a relationship with such a long distance will be hard. Love is hard work but it should never feel like one. We have know each other for so long. I hope to keep what we have as friends. You are an important person in my life and I don't want to lose you. There is something I need to take care of personally and you'll be the first person I tell once I'm ready.

next step: go explore the gay life a little. Find a guy to talk to. hell, there are plenty of nice people on here that you can talk to. Start with us.

 

[MrQuiet]

Thanks all for the awesome advice and support I feel much better hearing from people who can relate and put things into perspective and not judge.

 

[DodgyPJ]

For some reason this post made me finally register for the forums just so that I could post a comment!

I think almost every gay man can relate to your situation in some way. We have all felt boxed in by our circumstances or the expectations others put on us. Maybe that's where the term 'closet' came from?

These are some tough next steps for you. Even if it only involves the fist step of coming out to yourself -which it sounds like you've got a jump on But it's oh-so-worth-it.

If I could add anything, it would be that you not put it off any longer. There will never be the 'perfect' time to do this. Hell, there probably won't even be a 'good' time. There is a right time, though, and that's now (I've never, ever heard a gay man say 'I wish I would have waited longer to come out'. Even the men I know who came out very young and had years to live in less than supportive households wish, if anything, they'd have come out sooner).

This is a golden time of your life, and I'd hate to see you spend it being unhappy just so that you could allow those around you to live in a fantasy world. You have opportunities now that you might not have again in your lifetime.

My thoughts are with you,

 

[MrQuiet]

For some reason this post made me finally register for the forums just so that I could post a comment!

That's awesome! I'm flattered

I think almost every gay man can relate to your situation in some way. We have all felt boxed in by our circumstances or the expectations others put on us. Maybe that's where the term 'closet' came from?

These are some tough next steps for you. Even if it only involves the fist step of coming out to yourself -which it sounds like you've got a jump on But it's oh-so-worth-it.

I definitely agree. I hate how everyone just assumes, but I guess that's life. It's been on my mind almost constantly especially after posting this...I'm not quite sure how to approach it yet, but if someone asks I won't hesitate to tell them. I want to tell my best friend at some point in the near future and I don't think he'd really care but I don't want to make things awkward between us...I don't think he'd completely understand, but friends don't keep secrets, right?

This is a golden time of your life, and I'd hate to see you spend it being unhappy just so that you could allow those around you to live in a fantasy world. You have opportunities now that you might not have again in your lifetime.

My thoughts are with you,

Once again, I completely agree...I know that in the end I won't(and mentally can't) keep myself down forever just to please others, and I am prepared to lose *friends* in the process when I feel the time is right to tell them.

 

[elGeniuoso1721]

Just remember to take your time and proceed at a pace that is comfortable for YOU. A good way to know if you think you should come out is if you've reached a mental breaking point. I've found that the coming out process is a healing process as well.

When I came out to two of my closest guy friends who I presumed homophobic because of many outspoken remarks...they cared 0%. Nothing has changed in our friendships. Expect the worst, but hope for the best. Good luck to you