Don't ever fall for one of your straight friends...

[justontotalk]

...it will eat you up inside and drive you crazy. I would know, it's happening to me right now. I'm bi, not out at all, no one has a clue, all my friends are straight and I've become very close with one of them over the last year or two. We joke often about being attracted to each other (i.e. "I like your jeans" ... "No, you just like what's underneath them."). I know he's just joking, cause he obsesses over girls he likes, he has a conservative demeanor, never tries anything new or out of the norm, has been in long serious relationships with girls, etc. But I have physically and emotionally fallen for him and it's driving me crazy. So, just avoid it if possible!

 

[stevexxx]

that's very true however, some people on this forum are stupid enough to think they can convert a straight man to a gay guy

 

[movieguy22]

Dude, I know exactly where you're coming from. I fell for one my straight friends when I started film school. I fell for him hard. And it did eat me up inside. We joked around just like you and your friend do. It took me a while to get to the point where I said look, he's never going to feel the same for me. Just move on.

But of course it's never that easy. My feelings for him just got stronger. Basically wanting something I couldn't have made me want him more. At this time I was still in the closet. It reached the point where I would go home angry at no one and nothing in particular. Just outright frustrated and the only thing that would calm me down was listening to bands like Disturbed or Korn or Slipknot.

It reached a point where I had to fess up for my own mental well-being. So, I gathered my wits and told him that I'm bi. I didn't tell him I had a crush on him in words exactly, but he said he had a feeling that I did, he just didn't know how to approach the topic.

From there, not a whole lot changed. Our joking around changed for a short period of time while he was still getting used to the idea of having a bi friend. But now we joke around just like before. Telling him did help me get over him. Now I'd be lying if I told you that I don't find him attractive, cuz I still do, but I no longer feel the need to become more with him. Telling him brought as closer as friends, and now I consider him one of my closest. And I know he thinks the same of me.

I know he and I will never be boyfriends. I know I'll never have him physically. And you know what? I actually don't care anymore. I'm perfectly happy the way things are between us now.

I knew you didn't ask for it exactly, but that's my story. Take what you will from it. As much as the situation can suck, it's at least not hopeless.

 

[andyspete]

I've been there too. Was in love with my best friend for several years. I pined for him all the time. He was married and straight but I wanted him so much, not just physically but emotionally too. We were close and he probably knew more about me than anyone.

I shared some of my deepest secrets with him......except for the one about my being in love with him. A few years ago, he moved to another state. I helped him move and when he drove me back to the airport, we sat and talked for about a half hour while waiting for me to board. My emotions got the best of me and I told him how I felt about him. He nodded like he already knew and just grabbed me and held me close for a while. He's the only man I ever cried over.

He's moved back in my area now and I see him and talk to him fairly often. But the few years we were apart really helped me to get over him and move on. Having said that, I think that if I were to really spend a lot of quality time with him and saw him more often, I could easily fall right back in love with him. I don't want to because it was incredibly painful.

 

[PSCGuy]

As you're hearing, you're not alone. I am writing because I totally agree with andy. Get some distance for a while, it may help.

 

[bi-4u2]

I'm so in love with my best friend. He makes my day better. I can talk to him for hours and not sleep, i live my jib beccause he's there, i enjoy just being around him. His curly short hair. .....

 

[youngnihilist]

Dude, I know exactly where you're coming from. I fell for one my straight friends when I started film school. I fell for him hard. And it did eat me up inside. We joked around just like you and your friend do. It took me a while to get to the point where I said look, he's never going to feel the same for me. Just move on.

But of course it's never that easy. My feelings for him just got stronger. Basically wanting something I couldn't have made me want him more. At this time I was still in the closet. It reached the point where I would go home angry at no one and nothing in particular. Just outright frustrated and the only thing that would calm me down was listening to bands like Disturbed or Korn or Slipknot.

It reached a point where I had to fess up for my own mental well-being. So, I gathered my wits and told him that I'm bi. I didn't tell him I had a crush on him in words exactly, but he said he had a feeling that I did, he just didn't know how to approach the topic.

From there, not a whole lot changed. Our joking around changed for a short period of time while he was still getting used to the idea of having a bi friend. But now we joke around just like before. Telling him did help me get over him. Now I'd be lying if I told you that I don't find him attractive, cuz I still do, but I no longer feel the need to become more with him. Telling him brought as closer as friends, and now I consider him one of my closest. And I know he thinks the same of me.

I know he and I will never be boyfriends. I know I'll never have him physically. And you know what? I actually don't care anymore. I'm perfectly happy the way things are between us now.

I knew you didn't ask for it exactly, but that's my story. Take what you will from it. As much as the situation can suck, it's at least not hopeless.

Hahahah! I listen to Disturbed, Slipknot, and Korn regardless of any crushes (and other similar bands). Funny it helped you get over a crush.

 

[JNewYork]

I have been there. And it is very painful.

But there is learning and growth from the pain. I learned these things...

1.) I fell madly for a straight friend because I was not being fulfilled sexually with any man and, thus, my pent up sexual frustrations bounced off the nearest masculine, good looking guy. They're usually our friends, the people who are in front of us.

2.) If I kept looking for a partner and in the meantime had some very good dates with some really good looking or equally desirable men as my friend, then I would find that I wouldn't fall for my straight friends. My needs were being met.

3.) Falling madly for your straight friends is a sign your man to man needs are not being met. Actively go out and take care of yourself! Do you, as they say.

4.) Keeping yourself locked onto your "love" for your straight friend at the exclusion of actively nurturing and seeking out a healthy man to man relationship is a form of self-destruction and self-punishment. We learn early on in Junior High the pain of not being able to have what we want. That pattern usually continues quietly and miserably through high school. Falling for a straight friend when you're an adult can be an unconscious way of replicating that old misery you knew so well in Junior High and High School. On some level, you may believe this misery is what you deserve. You know it well. It's "home."

5.) There are so many really attractive, sexy, masculine (or not, whatever your persuasion), cute and AVAILABLE men out there. Go out with them. Seek them out. You will become fulfilled and your straight friend won't torture you any longer. But you might like that abuse, so if you do then just keep pining your friend.

6.) You will find that the focus on one straight friend of yours is not truly about you "falling in love." It's about you being unfulfilled in your man on man action. When you're unfulfilled you're likely to "fall in love" with whoever is right next to you.

7.) So the choice is mine or yours. Do you want to help your life or continue in misery? Your sincerest answer to that will determine your course of action.

Best of luck to all in this very common and painful situation. I've been there many times in the past. The operative word being the PAST.

 

[sumtingwong]

I have been there. And it is very painful.

But there is learning and growth from the pain. I learned these things...

3.) Falling madly for your straight friends is a sign your man to man needs are not being met. Actively go out and take care of yourself! Do you, as they say.

Very good observations there. Also, remember, just like college, if one is not smart enough to get into college for FREE (on scholarship), one just have to pay for it. If one is not good looking enough to get the kind of sex one likes for FREE, one should just go ahead and pay for it. Don't be cheap and then go crazy about it.

 

[movieguy22]

Hahahah! I listen to Disturbed, Slipknot, and Korn regardless of any crushes (and other similar bands). Funny it helped you get over a crush.

Hahaha, I normally listen to them as well (along with about a dozen other completely different styles). Disturbed is one of my favourite bands. Just given my highly frustrated state, the loud angry music really seemed to help. But they are a part of my everyday listening.

 

[oakpope]

If one is not good looking enough to get the kind of sex one likes for FREE, one should just go ahead and pay for it.

wow, that is hurtful to me. Do you really think that if you are not good looking, you just have to pay a hooker for sex and that is ok ? How terribly sad that is I am not good looking but I will not defile myself in such a way, and even if I were ugly I would keep searching for a man who would love me even for a single night.

 

[syoBsUtsuJ]

Don't you know that stevexxx KNOWS EVERYTHING?!!! His word has to be taken as gospel!

 

[sumtingwong]

wow, that is hurtful to me. Do you really think that if you are not good looking, you just have to pay a hooker for sex and that is ok ? How terribly sad that is I am not good looking but I will not defile myself in such a way, and even if I were ugly I would keep searching for a man who would love me even for a single night.

Well good for you! But I'm talking about the kind of sex with hunky "straight acting" jocks the likes the OP was talking about. It's VERY EASY getting um... a man who would love me even for a single night. Just strut your wares down on skid row for 5 mins and you'll get 50+ guys who would um... "love" you for more than just one night! Though everybody know you'd be lying if that is really the kind of sex you like

 

[youngnihilist]

Hahaha, I normally listen to them as well (along with about a dozen other completely different styles). Disturbed is one of my favourite bands. Just given my highly frustrated state, the loud angry music really seemed to help. But they are a part of my everyday listening.

Yes. The therapeutic benefits of "No Mommy, don't hit me again, why don't you fuck off and die, you stupid sadistic abusive fucking whore, here it comes get ready to die" are unsurpassed.

 

[stevexxx]

Don't you know that stevexxx KNOWS EVERYTHING?!!! His word has to be taken as gospel!

Im not referring to you. it's just people waste there time trying to find something that's not there. Trying to have a relationship with your straight friend is risky because you only hurt yourself emotionally and you jeopardize your friendship. I'm not saying that it's wrong to feel that way, i say it's one of many life's experiences. It's important to decipher friendship and romanticism.

 

[WellingLuv]

It's incredibly painful. It really does start to drive you crazy and soon your friend becomes all you can think about. It even starts coming to a point where all you want to do is be around them, but at the same time, being around them hurts because it's kind of like being "so close, yet so far away".

I'm in the same bind right now. I know eventually I'll have to accept the inevitable and move on, but it just sucks.

 

[Derob68]

that's very true however, some people on this forum are stupid enough to think they can convert a straight man to a gay guy

I don't know about "conversion". I have flirted with a few straight guys and I've had a few return my interest, even to the point of stalking me. I don't think that this is usual. For a guy to think that he can actually "change" someone's sexuality is just a fantastic pipe dream. It does make alot for the porn industry though.

 

[gourami]

been there, done that.