don't know how.....?

[frolundastep]

Hey.I'm 27 years old and I have never been with a guy before.I date girls but since I was teenager I've been curious about gay sex.I guess I was too afraid to actually do ti until now.
I have this good friend of mine who I like a lot and dying to get him to bed.
I suspect he's gay.I know for sure he's never been with a girl before and he never talks about girls.I cought him checking me out several times and very often when we sit next to each other we touch under the table.It's like our thing,we always must sit one next to another and touch our legs or hands.
The thing is I don't know how to really hit on him,what to tell him?
Is he straight or he got the same problem as I?
I really don't know how to approach him

 

[scooter63]

Well you say that when you sit next to each other, which you always have to do, and while sitting you plays touchy, feely games, well the next time you are sitting next to him, why don't you play touchy feely on his thigh, getting very close to his goodies and see what he does. You will still be playing the same game only changing the location of the touchy feely. If he slaps your hand away, moves away, frowns, or asks you what the hell you are doing then you will have your answer. If he does the same to you, or smiles, or moves his leg closer to you then you have your answer as well. How much more of a signal could you be giving him while rubbing his thigh close to his goodies. If he is really into you, is gay, or bi, or open to play with guys then you will certainly have given him enough information that you are game for it.

Good luck with it and hope all goes well for you.

 

[jaysizzles]

You are probably right about your instincts...he's checked you out, so you know he's interested. So... invite him to your home some evening for a movie/tv/video games (whatever)...to hang out. Play it cool but maybe a little flirty/suggestive...(kind of play it the same way you'd attempt to charm/seduce a woman to get into her pants. ...guys like to be seduced too!) Steer the conversation to men, like make a comment about a hot male actor...saying you'd "do" him...just to give him a clue you're open to thinking of men in a sexual way. Ask who he'd "do"...etc. Watch for his reaction..obviously if he completely shuts down the topic...laugh it all off.

Maybe...at some point find an excuse to sit close to him...like pull out a book, picture, or something small to show him. Legs touch and hands touch (which isn't unusual for you 2) or a gentle hand on his back, neck or thigh...linger just a little too long...see his reaction. If he pulls away or is uncomfortable...back off and continue as normal...or maybe take a more direct approach at that point and let him know that you are a little bi curious and were hoping he was too...it all depends on his previous reactions.

Remember that he's a friend...so don't screw with him if it will result in him getting emotionally involved if you are not willing to go there...be as honest as you can.

 

[Lpool101]

Sorry, i have to disagree. I don't think he is coming on to you. If you really want to know, bring up the topic of homosexuality, either whether it disgusts you, or a current news article about it and see how he reacts. Then you will know. E.g. suggest how you might attend a pride during summer for "fun"

 

[Lube]

Jaysizzles nailed it. Great response.

Of course he's coming on to you.

Boy, people here lately seem to need a brick to hit them in the head to see what's right in front of their eyes (or touching their thighs!)

 

[Lube]

Sorry, i have to disagree. I don't think he is coming on to you. If you really want to know, bring up the topic of homosexuality, either whether it disgusts you, or a current news article about it and see how he reacts.

Any closeted guy is going to react negatively to that, to "prove" he's straight.

All it does is prove he's gay.

 

[G-Lexington]

This is prototypical closeted gay/bi behavior. "I'm gay/bi, but don't want anybody to know I'm gay/bi. But I think my friend is - how can I tell?" Or, to put it another way, "I want my friend to reveal himself to me before I reveal myself to him."

Sorry, kid. No risk, no reward.

You can go Jay's route, which is exciting and hot and all that, but it still leaves room for interpretation. What if he's not interested in watching porn? What if he doesn't take the bait on you talking about guys? What if he doesn't respond to you touching him?

Does that mean he's straight? Or gay and not interested? Or gay and too scared to make a move? So you have to go do it again. And push harder. And risk going over a line he isn't comfortable crossing.

Or you can try the open approach. Talk to him. Talk about how you've had bisexual thoughts for many years, and you're wondering if perhaps you should give a guy a try. Leave him out of the equation for now, and see how he responds to that bit of information. If he gets excited, and says he feels the same way, then proposition him. "I'd love it if you'd be my first."

Lex

 

[rareboy]

either whether it disgusts you

Yeah, this is a sure fire way of making someone comfortable...

What is it with the stupid headgames?

If you're a homo, tell him. Without flirting or touchy feely or schoolgirl seduction. If he's interested and he's emotionally healthy, he'll tell you whether he is or not. If he says no, just back off.

 

[frolundastep]

Thanks to all of you for your replays,they really helped me and made me realise where I stand.I know my post might sound silly to you but when actually it happens to you is different.
I was so scared and confused and mabey still am.I can't tell him I'm gay out of the blue,even I don't know if I'am gay.Then I can't risk losing one of my best friends just like that.So next time when we're out I'm going to touch his thigh long and comfortable and see what will happen.Thats the most courage i have.I hope It all ends good.
Thanks to all of you again

 

[G-Lexington]

OK then. Let's say you do that. Here's a list of possible responses.

1. He pulls away immediately.
2. He pulls away fairly quickly.
3. He eventually pulls away, but not that quick.
4. He doesn't pull away for a while, but doesn't seem to notice much. He keeps chatting and reading the menu like nothing's happening.
5. He pulls away for awhile, but eventually his leg returns.
6. He doesn't pull away.
7. He pulls away but then ties his shoe.

Then what? What sort of information are you getting here?

If he says "I love it when you do that - it turns me on", then yeah - he's gay (and wants you). Pretty much anything else is open to interpretation. Hell, even if he says "Stop it" or "Cut it out - I'm not gay"...he could still be gay (and in denial). So be prepared to play this game for a long long while. But then again, perhaps that's what you want.

Lex

 

[frolundastep]

Oh...... I guess I never thought in that direction.You're so right.A touch could mean million things.What was I thinking?I don't beleve I just wanna play games here.Probably I'm so scared of denial and exposure that I'm just looking for a way around.Now I know there isn't a way around which makes the things even worse.
I'm 100% sure that I want to try things with a guy(especially this one).
I have to tell him eventually even if that ruins our friendship.Anyway I can't be a friend with a guy who makes me so horney when he's around.
Thanks

 

[Robarob]

I'm glad you're listening to Lex - I don't post much myself but I've seen a lot of his replies, and he's very wise.

I tend to think logically (too logically often). I'm assuming from your post that you're not 'out' (whatever that may mean to you) and that you're not ready to be 'out' to the world (for want of a better expression). Obviously if you talk to this guy about how you really feel he could react in a number of ways - he could reciprocate, or freak out and tell everyone, or be understanding and supportive in a 'that's cool but I'm not like that' way, or anything in-between.

However, that said, if he's a good friend like you said he was, he should at least be supportive. At least. There's a piece of tough advice I've seen a lot, which is also always worth remembering - do you really want a friend who can't accept you for you? Like you said, you can't be a friend with a guy who makes you so horny when he's around, so what would be the difference?

Personally, I would advise sitting down and chatting with him before your hormones get the better of you and you do something you regret.

I wish you all the best. Be courageous!

 

[G-Lexington]

Something you might not realize about "coming out" - it's not an announcement. It's not a public declaration that you're ready to dress in rainbow colors. Coming out is simply something to get beyond. There's a great unspoken secret between you and your friend, and that's something that really shouldn't happen in friendships. The whole point of being friends with someone is that you LIKE each other, and you don't have to pretend to be someone you're not around them. Your friend presumably talks about his favorite sporting team, or his favorite TV show, or that girl he's got his eye on...and even if you don't share his enthusiasm for these things, you still listen and are at least somewhat interested. Because he's your friend, and these things are important to him. And that works the other way. If he's your friend - REALLY your friend - even if he isn't gay, he won't care that you like dick. Just like he doesn't care that you like Star Trek or the New England Patriots. He might not want to sit listening to you drone on and on about it for hours if he doesn't share that love, but that doesn't mean he'll drop you like a hot potato for having that love.

This is why I nudge people in your position towards coming out. Because you shouldn't have to spend half your time with this guy choosing your words extra carefully, or reading the tea leaves of his responses. It's much better to just be yourself, y'know? And ACTUALLY hang out and have fun with each other. And coming out to him will be the big step in that direction.

Will he freak? That's very doubtful. He MIGHT be surprised, or shocked. He MIGHT have to take some time to process that information. But judging from past history, and from all the similar posts we've seen here on JUB, chances are extremely good that your friendship will survive very much intact.

That's the first bit - telling him you're gay.
Then comes the next part - finding out if HE's gay. And interested.

Honestly, I feel coming out is the best move you can make. Say he IS gay. You coming out shows that he can do the same to you. That you have this common ground, and it's something you can talk about and share. You coming out, if he's gay (and ready), will be his cue to come out to you.

It may be that he isn't gay. Or isn't ready. In which case, I still think coming out is the right move. I have a running theory that runs counter to some of the other advice you might get - "if a guy says he's straight, believe him". Not because him saying so definitely means he is. But either he IS straight, or he's gay and not ready to tell anybody yet. And if he's not ready, you can't drag it out of him. So if he doesn't come out to you right then, assume he's straight for the time being, and get on with your life. Still hang out with him if you'd like, or take a bit of time away to "readjust" to the idea that you're friends-and-no-more. But keep him as a friend. And at least now you won't spend time vaguely nudging his thigh hoping he's interested in you, too. You'll have your answer. You can look elsewhere.

And if he comes out to you, and says he's interested too? Well, take time to post here again, so we can explain how to make your first time a good one.

You might not be ready for any of this yet. That's fine. But I think it's worth working yourself up towards.

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

I was so scared and confused and mabey still am.I can't tell him I'm gay out of the blue,even I don't know if I'am gay.

Well, then tell him that. If he's a friend, then you should be able to talk to him.

Then I can't risk losing one of my best friends just like that.So next time when we're out I'm going to touch his thigh long and comfortable and see what will happen.Thats the most courage i have.I hope It all ends good.

There's really two issues here: friendship and sexual attraction.

If this guy is your "best friend" then you should be able to be honest with him. There are a lot of things that test friendships- marriages, illness, life stress, geographical distance. This is just another one of those tests. If this guy can't accept you as you are, then he's not friends with the real you- he's friends with who you're pretending to be in public.

As for the sexual attraction issue, once the cards are on the table, if there's a mutual attraction, then the door is open to that conversation.

 

[Lube]

We tend to hang out with people who are like us. Subconsciously, we are attracted to features about a person we can't put a finger on.

Whether we like to admit it or not, gay (even closeted) guys tend to have gay (and closeted) friends. Especially with the moves he's been making, do not be surprised if he's gay. He may not be as ready as you are, so don't be surprised if he pulls back at first. But hopefully he will come around.

 

[frolundastep]

Thanks to all especially you Lex I finaly think I'm in the right direction.It's good to know that there are kind people who can understaind you and help you.
Thanks again.
I saw my friend yesterday and I realise that
telling him will be much more difficult than I thought,but at least now I know what my goal is.I was telling to all of my friends about the party I was last Saturday,where these two guys got really drunk and started kissing in front of everyone.He was disgusted.Later when we were alone he started asking me about the party.I started talking and said that bisexuality is ok and that you should try everything.He looked me and didn't say anything.There was this silence for about 20 sec. which I broke takling about something else.I couldn't stand the silence anymore.
I know he might not be ready,but should't he said something like "you'r right"or
"i don't think so"?Shouldn't this be a two way street?I belive I was leading the conversation in the right direction and he scared me with not saying anything.
I could really used some words from him.Something to work on.Some positive or negative statement.Whatever.Or mabey the silence meant something?
Man,this is way to compicated.Why can't we just get drunk and have sex.

Anyway I'm going to see him again tomorow.
Hope this time would be better.

 

[G-Lexington]

The problem here is that you weren't conversing, really. You were fishing. You were hoping he'd pick up on the hints and suggestions you were putting out there, and take them somewhere. And when he didn't, you were left confused. Much like you were with the leg-on-leg game.

Which is why, again, I suggest the more straightforward approach. If you want something to drink from a friend of yorus, it's best not to discuss somebody who went to the hospital for dehydration, and see if you can eventually move the conversation around to thirst in general. It's best to ask for a drink. It's better to say "Hey, could I get a drink?"

I'm well aware that saying "I'm gay" isn't something that's easily said. But if you keep dropping hints and leaving open-ended questions, you might be making him uncomfortable. More so than just coming out might make him. Then he won't have to keep wondering why Fro is acting so weird each time they talk. I wouldn't say you have to come out to him immediately. Feel free to just hang out with him, without discussing the "gay thing" for awhile. And work up to a time where you feel secure enough in yourself to tell him.

Side note. "I started talking and said that bisexuality is ok and that you should try everything." I personally don't believe this. If you know you're straight, you don't have to go to bed with a guy just to prove it. And I've never felt the need to have sex with a woman just to verify my homosexuality. I'm sure.

Lex