Don't know what to think about myself...

[StevenKSW]

I really want to share this with someone, since I can't really talk to my friends about it . I've very straight acting, that even a few female friends that always point out every gay person they see believe I'm straight.

Let's start with a little bit about myself, i'm 19, live in toronto and going to university at the moment. I've been curious about sex with a guy for a long time, and I've had the luxury of trying it at a few gay sauna when I had a vacation in hong kong to visit my family. It was kind of the best experience I had.

Currently, I believe that I'm most likely bi, but i tend to have my attention towards chubs and older people. I really want to explore this a bit more, but I just can't get myself into a gay bar or sauna like I did in Hong Kong. I think is the fear of getting scene by someone i know that is keeping me away. For some reason I always get really annoyed when I'm around very gay acting people, I'm sorry if I offended anyone. And just to put it out there, I really missing the experience of being a bottom... I don't know what I should do. It seems like being in the scene is the only way to explore this and find out what this actually means to me. Any suggestion what I should do?

Another thing that bothers me a lot is how I look. As I stated earlier that I believe i'm bi, so I'm really worried about how others look at me. Despite how I like chubs, I don't like being one myself even if it is just having a small belly and tiny man tits. Another thing that bothers me a lot is the fact that I'm pure asian but i think I could be consider mod hairy. It really bugs me, especially when a few times some aunts/friends of my mom say that i'm really hairy from looking at my arms. My mom personally think that it is manly, when ever I say that I want to get rid of it. I don't know... it is really hard to see myself like this when majority people expects asians to be smooth. I know that I shouldn't really care what others think about my body... but yea...... i just don't even know what to think of myself.

This have been building up in me for quite sometime now, and I finally got the courage to just put it out here. I hope you guys could possibly tell me some suggestion and what you think about my situation....

Thank you very much for reading
~Steven

 

[Lube]

Welcome to JUB, Steven! Glad you worked up the courage to make your first post.

Being bi or gay is tough enough, but it seems like it's even tougher in Asian cultures. The good news is, you're in a large, welcoming, very gay-friendly city. (My boyfriend and I are watching Queer as Folk, and the street/bar/cafe scenes remind me of my trip to Toronto, since it was filmed there).

You need to find other guys like you, so it's easier to work through your self-acceptance. Have you tried Googling for gay/bi Men's groups? Have you tried using Meetup to find people with similar interests?

Get out there and meet guys. You'll find other gay/bi guys and other hairy Asians (I think Japanese tend to be hairier than most Asians). Guys who love themselves and can show you how you can love yourself.

Keep us updated on your status!

,

Lube

 

[hylas]

well, i think you can stop worrying about your appearance. im a skinny, kinda hairy asian in my 20es, and some days it seems like every guy whos interested in me is older and chubby (and caucasian). its really too bad thats not what im into...
and being straight acting is definitly not going to mak you less attractive to most gay guys.

but while its normal for a 19yo to obsess over how to get laid as soon as possible, its better to start working on yourself, your self-confidence, and your coming-out. its an scary process, but once you emerge on the other side, youll be stronger, healthier, and happier, and you can go and fuck the world.

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB! Some random points.

>>>For some reason I always get really annoyed when I'm around very gay acting people, I'm sorry if I offended anyone.

This is a common feeling, especially among guys in your position - gay/bi, closeted, wondering where to go next. Why? Well, a bunch of reasons. There's the fear that being with "gay-acting" people will both "bring out the gay" in you, and perhaps betray your secret. There's the feeling that effeminate guys are simply putting on an act - "camping it up" - whereas you're "keeping it real". (Not the case.) Some closeted guys feel some blame is due gay-acting guys, and if they didn't "act so gay", the "normal-acting ones" wouldn't face as much negativity from the straight world. There's an element of fear that if you fully embrace your gay side, that you might end up "like that". And there may even be a trace of jealousy, in that these gay guys can just live their lives and have sex with other guys, where you're stuck trying to figure out how to proceed.

I would suggest working on this a bit. You don't have to instantly befriend effeminate guys, but do keep as open a mind as possible. They're living their lives, on their terms, and that's actually something to be commended.

>>>I really want to explore this a bit more, but I just can't get myself into a gay bar or sauna like I did in Hong Kong. I think is the fear of getting scene by someone i know that is keeping me away.

Well, do remember that if you run into somebody you know at a gay hook-up place, that means they're gay, too. And if they're closeted like you, the very LAST thing they're going to do is tell anybody. ("I was at the Glory Hole last week, and I saw Steven there!" "Uh, what were you doing at the Glory Hole?") And if they aren't closeted, chances are great that they can appreciate your position. You're gay/bi, you're not sure where you stand yet, and you're still feeling your way around everything. You can always go and tell the guy that straight up, too. All of us have been on the other side of the closet door before, so we know what it's like. So don't let "fear of being discovered" keep you from acting.

As far as your looks go, know that you don't get to pass judgment on how you look to other people. If somebody else finds you attractive, you can't argue him out of it. You apparently find heavier guys attractive, even if they think "nobody will like me when I'm this heavy". You want them as they are, and chances are a lot of guys will want you as YOU are. So don't worry too much about your looks, or if you're "Asian enough". If we all had to wait until we were "perfect", or even "good enough" before we got laid, very few of us would be getting any. And trust me - that ain't the case.

My only other advice would be to keep working on yourself. Keep getting comfortable with the gay/bi side of you. Eventually, you'll be so at peace with it, you won't mind letting other people know. Coming out to yourself is usually the biggest step.

Lex

 

[backpacker]

Welcome to JUB,

I really want to share this with someone, since I can't really talk to my friends about it . I've very straight acting, that even a few female friends that always point out every gay person they see believe I'm straight.

It's more likely that your female friends point out every gay person because they believe you are not straight. People often do that when they are hinting that people should come out of the closet. They have probably noticed your reaction to gay guys. No matter how straight acting you are, it's next to impossible to totally mask your feelings when you see a guy that you are attracted to. My advice is to stop acting straight and be yourself. Wouldn't it be a lot better if you could comment on the gay guys as well. I don't mean whatever comments you say to try to cover that you are gay, I mean what you truly feel.

As far as looks, you are what you are. Most things you can't change, so embrace them. If you don't like all the hair, that is something you can change. Shave or wax the hair if it makes you feel better. With that said, there are guys who will be into you just the way you are. There are guys who are into 400 pound bears and others who are into skinny twinks. You'll have a very hard time finding the guys that are into you if you are hiding in the closet.

Coming out of the closet is a process that often involves steps. One step is not being so afraid that someone might see you at a gay bar that you allow it to be a reason to not go. As others pointed out, if you run across someone you know that means that they are also in a gay bar. Once you become a little more comfortable with yourself, which going to gay bars often helps, you will be able to start coming out to those around you. You can also do it the other way around. Come out to your two friends that probably already know and have them help you with going to gay bars.

What is apparent from your post is that you are not happy with the way things are now. You need to change something. So pick your next step and take it. Good luck.

 

[StevenKSW]

You need to find other guys like you, so it's easier to work through your self-acceptance. Have you tried Googling for gay/bi Men's groups? Have you tried using Meetup to find people with similar interests?

I think i did try to find groups or forum that specificity in Toronto/Canada, but I only end up finding one that's in vancouver and bear related. I'll try to search it again tonight.

@x-cess
thanks for the advice, i know what you mean by happier after coming out, but i just really don't want to let my best friend know.... We've been through too much and I don't want to lose that. Some might say if your friend can't accept you for who you are, they are not really your friend. I guess that's kind of true, but I just can't do it. He shares pretty much any problems he have in his relationships with his gf over the years, and i'm always there to support him and give him advice and hear him out. I don't think i'm doing that just because I like him and even I don't know about, since that's really how i treat any friend I have. yea...

There's an element of fear that if you fully embrace your gay side, that you might end up "like that".

I guess that might be it, I'm still around him during nights in my friend's room just chilling around. The funny thing is, despite him saying that he's gay, almost all of us think that he is actually bi instead and won't admit it. We're kind of only basing this on the fact that he also get aroused when we were talking about girls.

As far as your looks go, know that you don't get to pass judgment on how you look to other people. If somebody else finds you attractive, you can't argue him out of it. You apparently find heavier guys attractive, even if they think "nobody will like me when I'm this heavy". You want them as they are, and chances are a lot of guys will want you as YOU are. So don't worry too much about your looks, or if you're "Asian enough". If we all had to wait until we were "perfect", or even "good enough" before we got laid, very few of us would be getting any. And trust me - that ain't the case.

yes I think I remember something like that once during my trip to the sauna. he seem really into me and was asking if I want to have dinner with him and go to his hotel room. I kind of got shocked and assumed the worst and said almost anything to get away. I guess that's just natural instinct to always assume to worst...

It's more likely that your female friends point out every gay person because they believe you are not straight. People often do that when they are hinting that people should come out of the closet. They have probably noticed your reaction to gay guys. No matter how straight acting you are, it's next to impossible to totally mask your feelings when you see a guy that you are attracted to. My advice is to stop acting straight and be yourself. Wouldn't it be a lot better if you could comment on the gay guys as well. I don't mean whatever comments you say to try to cover that you are gay, I mean what you truly feel.

Hmm... well here's what actually happened that night, the 5 of us, 3 girls, 1 guy and me went to this restaurant for dinner. Like most restaurant they have like a dedicated server for us and he's name Steward i think. Anyway it wasn't until after dinner when we left, they the 3 of them started ask the other guy and I notice that the waiter was gay. I really genuinely was clueless to the fact that he was. and so was my friend. And then they were like saying how did we not notice it blah blah blah. And also, like I said earlier I'm really only into chubbier and older people. So, it is really rare


Status Update:
Okay last night, I told 1 of the girls that I mentioned earlier on this post about everything. She was the only one that kind of had a hitch that I might be bi. The other 2 thought I was straight and never really crossed their mind. She is kind of the weird one of the group so she didn't think much of it, but she was definitely surprised and never expected that I did it with someone before and in to older and heavier guys. It was kind of weird, once I the conversation started out, I just felt like spilling everything out to her.

The next step that we kind of decided is going to a normal bar first with my friend, since I don't really want my first experience to be walking into a gay bar alone. But I don't know, the longing that this will take awhile might just drag me to it before that occurs.

The only information I know about the gay community in Toronto is the village, and the few gay sauna/bath houses. Don't really know how to find more information in this...

 

[Lube]

Yay! Glad you told her!

Please don't call a straight bar "a normal bar"--geez, there's half your problem right there.

Bearsoftoronto.org

 

[StevenKSW]

I'm very sorry about that bad wording.

 

[Lube]

Don't be sorry--just realize you're doing it and ask yourself why?

 

[somedude987]

Gladaman's Den
Woody's
Cruise and Tango
Black Eagle
... ehmm some others I haven't been to (I haven't lived here long)

I'd suggest Gladaman's Den. Just check out their websites. Don't go to the Black Eagle with your straight friends lol