Don't know where too start

[LKmn44]

I'm a college student, 21 years old. Completely in the closet thanks to the Arab culture, my family and friends would disown me and I would bring shame to my family and so on, if I was to come out therefore I have been in the closet since I could remember. Growing up I hated myself and hated everything I did, I was thinking of suicide because I just didn't want to think about it anymore.

I grew out of that stage when I started college and met someone for the first time, he was my first love, my first kiss, first everything. The relationship was not perfect since I moved for school, we were few hours apart. We saw each other often, and I felt very close to him through our phone conversations, every once and while we would argue about people who he hangs out with and its mostly with all the insecurities I grew up with. I felt like he was too good for me, and eventually he will find out after he meets someone new.

For the past year and half, I was the happiest I ever been. Looking forward to wake up so I can get that good morning text, and then right before I go to bed I had to send him the good night kisses through the phone. I love him and I'm sure he loved me.

Today he told me that he wants to break up with me because my complaining has finally made him "friendless" and that I was the only person he talked with, his friends stopped talking to him because of me he says that because I got upset at him hanging around with them so much, that he pushed them away.

What hurts the most is that not only I had no idea this was coming but also of how relaxed he was, he really didn't give a fuck about what I felt. He really didn't care about me at all, he kept telling me he doesn't know what to do, but he wants to be friends. I don't want to be friends, I want us back...

I'm just sick of crying....

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to the forum.

Here is my take on your situation. The closet has isolated you to the point that your bf became the only outlet to your authentic self. You, apparently, wanted the same for your bf and that is something he found intolerable.

I understand that you think your cultural/religious background has you trapped, but I'd argue that unless you are living in a Muslim country you don't have to be afraid to be yourself. I understand the argument that you're going to lose your family, but you're failing to realize that they are already lost without even giving them a chance to prove you wrong. Your argument could have been my argument 40-50 years ago with just a change of ethnicity or religion.

Your mission is to find other Arab gay guys for the support you need. Some of you are going to have to be courageous enough to come out in order to desensitize your culture on this human rights issue. Your emotional health and your ability to fall in love and live free of fear is a right even if it means you need to venture out without familial support. I know it's difficult, but seek support to do what you need to to lead a full and healthy life. Find that support and you can start right here.

Please keep up your strength and best wishes to you.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

I'm curious, do you live in an Arab country or in a western country?

Do his friends know you two have a relationship?

 

[LKmn44]

I actually live in the States and still have not had the power to come out. We live in an Arab Christian city and they are so judgmental, that sometimes I'm afraid of express simple thoughts. I ruined a good relationship because I'm not able to achieve something that is at the end of the day, simple. I need to come out but its very difficult.

Few minutes ago I came out to one of my friends for the first time, it feels amazing. Someone I could talk to that's supportive.

Thank you Seasoned, your advice and mature response is greatly appreciated. I never had that kind of support...ever!

- - - Updated - - -

I'm curious, do you live in an Arab country or in a western country?

Do his friends know you two have a relationship?

in the US. He is in the closet as well, he comes from an Arabic country too. Only one of his friends know.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

He is in the closet as well, he comes from an Arabic country too. Only one of his friends know.

It looks like you've been dumped, I'm afraid.

I'm not sure I agree with Seasoned that you should go out and find other Arabs.

I'm not saying you shouldn't, but I think it's much better for your mental health if you met LGBTs from other backgrounds and see how they deal with their sexuality.

 

[Seasoned]

My friend, I'm old and life use to batter me about, but that was a long time ago. My husband and I will be together 30 years, longer than you are alive, next year. We were married in NY last year and now I have no doubt that I will see my marriage recognized throughout the United States. To me, this is a miracle. With support you, too, will find your miracle. I am here for you as are many, many others. You are part of my family and I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

 

[LKmn44]

Today he told me that he no longer loved me, I feel like a piece of shit. All of the sudden after nearly 2 years he tells me that he loves me but not like before. I wish I was dead I would be better off.

 

[Rolyo85]

I don't want to sound mean - I really don't, this isn't a prelude to me being mean - but I have to question how real this relationship was, if it was mostly via text. Did you have enough time together before you moved away?

The closet is not a good place to build anything lasting. So much social and human interaction is lost or warped because of the Big Secret, that it can put strain on any relationship to the point of making it unbearable.

I gave a similar suggestion in another topic, but here it is again - make plans to move away from this place, and into a more tolerant city. Moving away is hard, especially for people coming from strong patriarchal societies, but in the end, your biggest responsibility is not to your family, but to your own happiness. If YOU don' think of yourself first, nobody else will either.

You are a student, so I'll venture a guess that you are at the very least partially dependent on your parents. I would suggest if you are that afraid of being disowned, work toward acquiring independence as quickly as possible. Once that is done, find the courage to come out. Maybe they will surprise you. Christian and traditionalist or not, this is still the US of A, and the ONLY reason parts of it are still so backward when it comes to gay issues, is that people there are too afraid to show themselves. Nobody can hate their own family and friends for long. It's a difficult start, but the process will be rewarding for people like you in the end.

 

[wikke1]

I don't want to sound mean - I really don't, this isn't a prelude to me being mean - but I have to question how real this relationship was, if it was mostly via text. Did you have enough time together before you moved away?

The closet is not a good place to build anything lasting. So much social and human interaction is lost or warped because of the Big Secret, that it can put strain on any relationship to the point of making it unbearable.

I gave a similar suggestion in another topic, but here it is again - make plans to move away from this place, and into a more tolerant city. Moving away is hard, especially for people coming from strong patriarchal societies, but in the end, your biggest responsibility is not to your family, but to your own happiness. If YOU don' think of yourself first, nobody else will either.

You are a student, so I'll venture a guess that you are at the very least partially dependent on your parents. I would suggest if you are that afraid of being disowned, work toward acquiring independence as quickly as possible. Once that is done, find the courage to come out. Maybe they will surprise you. Christian and traditionalist or not, this is still the US of A, and the ONLY reason parts of it are still so backward when it comes to gay issues, is that people there are too afraid to show themselves. Nobody can hate their own family and friends for long. It's a difficult start, but the process will be rewarding for people like you in the end.

Just curious to what you really mean.
Isn't that a bit contradictory?
If he were to move, wouldn't he then, in a way, be afraid to show himself, too?

I'm not sure (I don't have any experience in that area tho) if moving is such a good idea.
Isn't it better to stay where you are, where you are familiar, ... If you come out in your "own" environment, you can give the people in your own environment at least the chance to accept you. By doing so, you can change (albeit a little) society and the spreading of tolerance.
IF things were to go badly, you could still decide to move.

?

 

[Rolyo85]

Coming out to people you've known for years is a looooooooooot harder than coming out to new acquaintances - or indeed strangers as this topic shows.

And yes, there's a contradiction. Although I recognize the reasons for bigotry and the ways to challenge it, I also think if you don't have it in you to truly fight for understanding at the cost of your own happiness maybe, you should find a place where you don't need to do it. Though I also always advise coming out to your immediate family. Otherwise you're never truly free of the secret.

 

[LKmn44]

Let me explain this better, I'm basically very lonely, I have my family and 3-4 friends. I had him for the past 2 years, we see each other at least 2-3 times a month. I became attached to him because he understood me, he accepted me, he thought I was handsome, smart, funny, everything that I wanted people to notice. Its very hard for me to meet people in this city I actually have no clue on how to meet any gay people, I want to move away.
I pray that I will be able too financially. I don't want to live like this, I'm depressed and lonely. Suicide crosses my mind way too often.

 

[Rolyo85]

Don't let it cross your mind. Suicide is not the easy way out, it's not even a way out at all, and you would deny yourself a world of happiness.

I understand how you feel, but you have to realize that when you are really lonely, you come on WAY too strong when people show interest in you. It's not your fault, it's how our minds work - we grasp for the things we want, when we don't get them often enough. What makes the situation even more complicated, is that your guy is probably in a similar situation.

Find a few more people you can talk to about this, maybe look for an LGBT group around your school that you could join. I generally dislike those, but one thing you will find there, is other gay people (unless you're in Roosevelt University in Chicago, in which case it will be all about trans issues apparently -_-). And feel free to message me or Seasoned or anyone else that posted here, if you want to talk about things in private, or even if you just want to chat.

We're here for you

 

[loveguys72]

Not too much I can add, esp after Seasoned's great advice. It always hurts when a really important, meaningful relationship ends, and it's only natural that you're feeling down right now. Just know that it will pass in time.

Coming from an Arab Christian background myself (though not recent immigrants), I can well understand how terrifying the notion of coming out is to you. Family really is everything in our culture; it's not something you just brush off to make yourself feel better or to serve your own needs. But, there is a point where you do have to put your own needs above family loyalty and it's reputation within the community. If this experience has taught you anything, it's that being in the closet will eventually destroy you and any chance you have for happiness. Maybe you can't come out right this moment, but make a plan so that you can get to a place where you can be out and free to live as your true self. You may indeed lose some members of your family by being honest about who you are, and I know that will be very painful. But the ones who stick by you are the ones who truely love you. They're your real family.

It's hard to see right now, but it will get better with time. Good luck to you.

 

[LKmn44]

I feel soooooooooooooooo much better after talking to you guys! i don't even know u but I honestly love you guys!
I'm taking your advice to heart and already came out to 2 of my friends, I'm tryiing to be strong.

thank you guys. I love u all

 

[Rolyo85]

That's great! Be smart about it, but also be brave! And keep us posted We rarely get feedback.

 

[loveguys72]

Good for you, LK! Stay strong, and keep us posted!

 

[wikke1]

Congratulations.
We're really on this journey together.
Some of us are just a little bit further down the road.

 

[LKmn44]

Thank you all! I appreciate every reply and read them over and over to help me through it.
We talked once in the past 48 hours, and its clear that I should move on because he's not changing his mind, so I'm trying.

Today for the first time in the past 3 days I had food! lol sounds silly but I lost my appetite and couldn't eat a thing. The hurt and sadness is still there. It doesn't feel like its going away, but I really hope it will.

 

[LKmn44]

Hello,
I'm sorry it came down to this but last night I thought it would be a good idea to consume way too many sleeping pills to get my mind of it, I woke up to me puking my guts out. I was taken to the hospital. Now, I'm not sure to what happened I just remember doing it..................after I woke up, I logged into Twitter and saw my happy ex-boyfriend tweeting jokes, informing of his plans & so on. I know that I should move on just like how he did, but why is it so hard for me?

Why am I stuck in the past and can't move, depression is defiantly controlling me.

 

[Rolyo85]

Talk to a specialist. A random dude isn't worth taking pills over. Nothing is.