I'm considering getting back with my ex. there it is, my big decision to make...
a little background.
Our relationship didn't start off so stable, he'd just moved back to the city from halfway across the country, I've been living here most of my life, we both want to move away and make a new start, and that's not going to be a problem for either of us. We met in a drug fuelled stupor through a mutual friend and enjoyed some group action, but for the most part it was just the two of us, we fucked all night, and it was the most amazing sex I'd ever had. The next day we went for a walk along the river, talked, had a few drinks, and decided to start seeing each other casually.
The drugs continued, and so did we, but the drugs started to put enormous pressure on our relationship. I've always been into the group thing, not heavily but a little, and until I met him, I'd only really ever enjoyed sex purely for the sex. Emotional, connected sex was just never a part of my life, and I wanted an open relationship. I'm a "pig" and enjoy all aspects of that, but he is not. I know that that kind of lifestyle is not a good road to take, I'm aware that it's damaging to the body, and to the mind, and despite enjoying all that, I tell myself that I can't live like that indefinitely, it's just not sustainable. As time went on it became clearer that he had only ever, and always would only be into that when he was high, and never to the same degree as me. Whereas I didn't particularly enjoy getting high often, but still enjoyed the casual group thing.
After this rocky start we settled into an understanding, it took me cheating on him for us to get there, but after a long discussion, he agreed to stop taking chemicals. We coasted along happily, the sex has never been that frequent, I've never cheated on him again, although I feel attraction to other men, and often think about what sex with other men would be like, I've never felt compelled to act on these impulses.
At this point it probably sounds like all of our issues have arisen from sex, but that's just one facet.
Because of the drugs, I ended up losing my job, and my apartment, and spent 4 or 5 months between different jobs, none of which worked out, I'm now working at a great place with great hours, with great people, it's perfect for me. I moved in with my parents while I'm getting back on my feet, but most of my time, nights included were spent over at his place, we'd smoke weed, watch TV and lay around and cuddle, and it was all great, except he can be a little suffocating at times. When one of the occupants moved out, I took the room, I set it up as my own little living room, where I could play video games, watch movies or whatever, without the dicks we lived with walking into the room and having a conversation in between the couch and the television.
I'm quite introverted, I need my me time, time spent in solitude doing whatever really, time to recharge. I cook, and I do it well, he loves that but he doesn't have even the most basic understanding of culinary science, he tried to help, but he can't, he has no technique. Eventually he came to understand that he was just getting in the way, and would leave me to it, but I always imagined myself with someone who DID know how to cook, who (when it was his turn to cook) would whip up something I'd never tried before instead of ordering thai from down the street. Not that I don't like thai food...
He's a little bit racist, not to the point where he's discriminating, not even close, and I try to make him see the error in his thinking, that we're all the same but it's ingrained in him. I'm a big advocate of clean and healthy living, I try to cook everything I eat myself, so that I know what's going in it. My diet is almost entirely vegetarian, and I don't eat red meat. I even bake my own bread. I drink spring water because I don't want the fluoride that comes out of my tap.
He goes to the gym and runs because he doesn't want to be fat and sees no value in himself if he doesn't have a picture perfect body. He drinks a bottle and a half of soft drink every day, he drinks water when he feels an overpowering need for it. He loves to eat red meat because it's good for his bodybuilding, his idea of a healthy dinner is ox tail stew. ox tail, beef stock, and paprika in a slow cooker. We go to the supermarket and he'll walk right past the fruit and vegetables, because he doesn't see a need for them.
He has anger issues, not the 'hits me' kind, but the 'doesn't have any kind of device for dealing with his negative emotions' kind. I know this probably stems from his poor diet but it's also a symptom of his poor upbringing (he's been living out of home since he was kicked out at 14 for being gay).
He's a strong and independent guy, he loves me, he treats me better than great, and he's willing to be with me and help me through any problem that pops up, whether it be financial, family, work related or health, he's there for me. I love him back, but sometimes I don't know if I love him as fiercely as he loves me, or if I just have a problem opening up and letting him in. Am I just scared that I'm almost 30 and HIV+ and maybe I'll never find anyone ever again? or am I letting go of the best thing that's ever happened to me? Do I have commitment issues? I can't find any reason that it wouldn't work if we tried hard enough, but I can't find any reason that it would either.
In 4 or 5 months he'll be moving back out to the countryside (opposite side of the country) to a major tourist area to work his arse off and save as much as possible, whether I come with him or not.
I broke up with him 2 weeks ago and moved back in with my parents, I'm enjoying having my own space, having time to cook and play my video games and just be alone. but I love him and miss him, we've seen each other a few times, and even had sex the last time. I'm feeling a lot of conflicting emotions, but the general gist of what I'm feeling is "I think I might've broken up with him because I hadn't made my needs and wishes clear enough to him, and I felt smothered, not only by our horrible living situation, but by him".
He's given me some time to think about what I want, whether I think we can make it work, but I just don't know, I've always been an indecisive person, and that part of me is rearing it's ugly head.
I know I haven't actually asked any questions, I guess because I know that this is a decision only I can make, but still... thoughts?
a little background.
Our relationship didn't start off so stable, he'd just moved back to the city from halfway across the country, I've been living here most of my life, we both want to move away and make a new start, and that's not going to be a problem for either of us. We met in a drug fuelled stupor through a mutual friend and enjoyed some group action, but for the most part it was just the two of us, we fucked all night, and it was the most amazing sex I'd ever had. The next day we went for a walk along the river, talked, had a few drinks, and decided to start seeing each other casually.
The drugs continued, and so did we, but the drugs started to put enormous pressure on our relationship. I've always been into the group thing, not heavily but a little, and until I met him, I'd only really ever enjoyed sex purely for the sex. Emotional, connected sex was just never a part of my life, and I wanted an open relationship. I'm a "pig" and enjoy all aspects of that, but he is not. I know that that kind of lifestyle is not a good road to take, I'm aware that it's damaging to the body, and to the mind, and despite enjoying all that, I tell myself that I can't live like that indefinitely, it's just not sustainable. As time went on it became clearer that he had only ever, and always would only be into that when he was high, and never to the same degree as me. Whereas I didn't particularly enjoy getting high often, but still enjoyed the casual group thing.
After this rocky start we settled into an understanding, it took me cheating on him for us to get there, but after a long discussion, he agreed to stop taking chemicals. We coasted along happily, the sex has never been that frequent, I've never cheated on him again, although I feel attraction to other men, and often think about what sex with other men would be like, I've never felt compelled to act on these impulses.
At this point it probably sounds like all of our issues have arisen from sex, but that's just one facet.
Because of the drugs, I ended up losing my job, and my apartment, and spent 4 or 5 months between different jobs, none of which worked out, I'm now working at a great place with great hours, with great people, it's perfect for me. I moved in with my parents while I'm getting back on my feet, but most of my time, nights included were spent over at his place, we'd smoke weed, watch TV and lay around and cuddle, and it was all great, except he can be a little suffocating at times. When one of the occupants moved out, I took the room, I set it up as my own little living room, where I could play video games, watch movies or whatever, without the dicks we lived with walking into the room and having a conversation in between the couch and the television.
I'm quite introverted, I need my me time, time spent in solitude doing whatever really, time to recharge. I cook, and I do it well, he loves that but he doesn't have even the most basic understanding of culinary science, he tried to help, but he can't, he has no technique. Eventually he came to understand that he was just getting in the way, and would leave me to it, but I always imagined myself with someone who DID know how to cook, who (when it was his turn to cook) would whip up something I'd never tried before instead of ordering thai from down the street. Not that I don't like thai food...
He's a little bit racist, not to the point where he's discriminating, not even close, and I try to make him see the error in his thinking, that we're all the same but it's ingrained in him. I'm a big advocate of clean and healthy living, I try to cook everything I eat myself, so that I know what's going in it. My diet is almost entirely vegetarian, and I don't eat red meat. I even bake my own bread. I drink spring water because I don't want the fluoride that comes out of my tap.
He goes to the gym and runs because he doesn't want to be fat and sees no value in himself if he doesn't have a picture perfect body. He drinks a bottle and a half of soft drink every day, he drinks water when he feels an overpowering need for it. He loves to eat red meat because it's good for his bodybuilding, his idea of a healthy dinner is ox tail stew. ox tail, beef stock, and paprika in a slow cooker. We go to the supermarket and he'll walk right past the fruit and vegetables, because he doesn't see a need for them.
He has anger issues, not the 'hits me' kind, but the 'doesn't have any kind of device for dealing with his negative emotions' kind. I know this probably stems from his poor diet but it's also a symptom of his poor upbringing (he's been living out of home since he was kicked out at 14 for being gay).
He's a strong and independent guy, he loves me, he treats me better than great, and he's willing to be with me and help me through any problem that pops up, whether it be financial, family, work related or health, he's there for me. I love him back, but sometimes I don't know if I love him as fiercely as he loves me, or if I just have a problem opening up and letting him in. Am I just scared that I'm almost 30 and HIV+ and maybe I'll never find anyone ever again? or am I letting go of the best thing that's ever happened to me? Do I have commitment issues? I can't find any reason that it wouldn't work if we tried hard enough, but I can't find any reason that it would either.
In 4 or 5 months he'll be moving back out to the countryside (opposite side of the country) to a major tourist area to work his arse off and save as much as possible, whether I come with him or not.
I broke up with him 2 weeks ago and moved back in with my parents, I'm enjoying having my own space, having time to cook and play my video games and just be alone. but I love him and miss him, we've seen each other a few times, and even had sex the last time. I'm feeling a lot of conflicting emotions, but the general gist of what I'm feeling is "I think I might've broken up with him because I hadn't made my needs and wishes clear enough to him, and I felt smothered, not only by our horrible living situation, but by him".
He's given me some time to think about what I want, whether I think we can make it work, but I just don't know, I've always been an indecisive person, and that part of me is rearing it's ugly head.
I know I haven't actually asked any questions, I guess because I know that this is a decision only I can make, but still... thoughts?
