Don't love him anymore?

[gameboi]

I'm 27, my boyfriend is 32, we've been together for 5 years and living together for 4. As our relationship has gone on I've been having more and more doubts about it and have started to feel I might have made a mistake getting into a serious relationship so young. I came out aged 20 and met him shortly afterwards so I'm basically still in my first ever serious relationship.

At first things were great, I felt like I loved him and was totally in a honeymoon period. After a year I agreed to move in with him and I even went to a bank with him to look into buying a house together which seems insane when I look back because I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment and it was way too soon. It kind of makes me feel like I didn't know what I was doing when I started all this. Over time I've felt increasingly frustrated, realised how much independance I gave up just as I was finally finished university, had come out and was starting to live for myself. I think about being with other guys all the time and wish I'd spent a lot more time experimenting sexually before settling down. I cheated on him once because of this but I told him about it almost immediately and he forgave me, so it's not something I'll ever do again, but I still think about other guys all the time. I want to try being with older guys, hairier guys, all different kinds.. Our sex-life is a bit boring, I'm not that attracted to him anymore and masturbate a lot when he's not around because it's just as satisfying. I've come to realise I have a kinky side I want to explore and although I have told him about it and he's willing to experiment, I feel strange doing it with him because he's just not really into it.

I've always been a quiet guy and have had always struggled a bit with confidence and communication issues. I don't handle confrontation at all so a lot of the time I feel like I'm letting myself being led and staying quiet about my real feelings rather than cause arguements. He is the opposite, he can be quite bossy at times, snaps at me sometimes (I know his ex left him for this), nags me over housework and little unimportant things and he is very insistent that we spend as much time as possible together (he comes with me every single time I visit my family, he insists I always come with him when he visits his) but it's not so bad that he stops me seeing my friends or anything. Like I say, I am quiet though and would prefer more space a lot of the time. I guess I feel I've changed a lot between 21 and 27 but I can't ever imagine thinking it was a good idea to move in with an inexperienced 21 year old so I sometimes wonder if he knew what he was doing when got with me and if he is clingy because he loves having a boyfriend more than he loves me.

So neither of us are perfect but he is generally a nice guy, treats me well and all that but I feel no spark for him anymore. I don't miss him when we're apart and look forward to evenings when I have the house to myself. I often think about breaking up with him and how I'd like to be single so I take the time to focus on myself and gain some independence, not have to factor someone else into all my decisions and eventually try being with other guys. But I have no idea how to break up with someone, it would hurt him so much because I have never given any indication I have any of these feelings (communication issues!). I just know he is going to start talking about marraige or buying a house again sometime so I'll be forced to either commit even further or break his heart anyway. I feel so pathetic and cowardly for not knowing how to deal with this and being afraid to let him know how I feel (confidence issues!). When I imagine him breaking up with me instead, my immediate reaction is that I'd feel huge relief. But the grass is always greener so I don't really know. It's made so much harder because we live together, I don't know how I could get away - if I could go back in time I would definitely so no to moving in together. I feel so confused a lot of the time, bouncing between feelings of affection and comfort one minute to hate and feeling trapped the next. Can anyone help me?

 

[HunterM]

First of all, you need to start standing up for yourself. You're a mature adult now at 27. Nobody is forcing you to do things that you don't want to do (unless you're being kidnapped and locked in a basement). For you not to speak up when you don't agree, YOU are misleading him into thinking that you are fine with his decisions. If you don't stand up, you are letting him making decisions impacting your own life. If you don't want to buy a house, tell him. If you don't like how he treats you, tell him. You don't have to yell at him. Just discuss these issues civilly with him. Make him aware of consequences of his decisions or actions.

If you don't have confidence in yourself with someone whom you have lived with for 4 years, you will most likely repeat the same frustrations in your next relationship and the relationship after that and so on. Most people are not mind readers. Looking back at these issues that are bothering you, you have to ask yourself "Was I an enabler for his actions that affected me negatively?" If so, learn not to let people push you around. Otherwise, you're just as at fault for letting them push you around.

Secondly, my advice is for you to discuss these issues with him first to see if things can be resolved. Remove misunderstanding from both sides. Then if you still want to move out, let him know that you need space apart. But it sounded like you're set on breaking up with him. If so, let him know. It is as simple as that. It is not as complicated as you think. Empower yourself and take control of your own life

 

[racer2438]

First of all, you need to start standing up for yourself. You're a mature adult now at 27. Nobody is forcing you to do things that you don't want to do (unless you're being kidnapped and locked in a basement). For you not to speak up when you don't agree, YOU are misleading him into thinking that you are fine with his decisions. If you don't stand up, you are letting him making decisions impacting your own life. If you don't want to buy a house, tell him. If you don't like how he treats you, tell him. You don't have to yell at him. Just discuss these issues civilly with him. Make him aware of consequences of his decisions or actions.

If you don't have confidence in yourself with someone whom you have lived with for 4 years, you will most likely repeat the same frustrations in your next relationship and the relationship after that and so on. Most people are not mind readers. Looking back at these issues that are bothering you, you have to ask yourself "Was I an enabler for his actions that affected me negatively?" If so, learn not to let people push you around. Otherwise, you're just as at fault for letting them push you around.

Secondly, my advice is for you to discuss these issues with him first to see if things can be resolved. Remove misunderstanding from both sides. Then if you still want to move out, let him know that you need space apart. But it sounded like you're set on breaking up with him. If so, let him know. It is as simple as that. It is not as complicated as you think. Empower yourself and take control of your own life

^^^^^^^ very well said......

I might that I was 18 and you about 21ish when you got into your LTR. I felt that same as you at begining.. but I really felt the connection between us and it was more of instant love. Some people may say that there is no such thing. But there is every once in awhile. we met one night and I never left him. I actually left my gf for him. and now after 26+ yrs together I still would not have changed it for anything...

But because of that if we did not have love,trust,communication we would not have made it. COMMUNICATING is SO important. You have to voice your opinions just like he does. You are a couple but you still are responsible for your self. You have to make decisions base on what is the right thing to do, personally, relationship, financial, work, living.

If you butt heads --so what talk it out and come to a compromise if you have. But if you are just quiet he thinks what he is doing for the both of you is ok cus he hears no objections from you. So he contiunes to think things are ok when they are not. This is not fair to him and he needs to know. You holding back gives him a fasle sence of hope when in reality there is no hope ....and he does not know it. That is not fair.

So if you really feel that way then you should move on and let him go..

yet if you feel that there is a chance to rekindle then you should be HONEST and put on your big boy pants and step up to the plate and voice your opinions and have a good long talk about you lifes together and work through issues--together.. so if you think you were to young...I was 18 and had a gf at time, and had my 1st man sex at 18 and love it.. and I have NEVER been with any other guy than just my honey now.. Do I feel like I have missed out on other guy's, NO i am just fine the way it is now.. happy and in love.

So really look at what you are looking for in life. If it makes you want to try other people and be free for a while, or be with him. Either way be honest both ways. But bottom line is you have to watch out for #1 first---YOU you have to do what is best for you in the end...

Best of luck..

 

[Jo-thin]

wow the way you described this reminds me of me and my boyfriend, only it seems like he typed all that. We've been together for 3 years, and I'm his 1st boyfriend and serious relationship. He moved in with me and my family like 4-5 months ago and there was a time last summer where he wanted to take a break so he can experience sexually with other guys! It did break my heart but at least he told me. He then realized that, thats not what he wanted but basically what I'm trying to say is they key is communication. Of course we're now doing 100% better because we tell our feelings to each other.

I suggest you to say something before it gets to far! The longer you wait the worst and harder it'll get.

 

[Ninja108]

Like Racer and Hunter said, communication is important. In fact, it is the most important part of the relationship.
People aren't mind readers and the only way you will get your points across to him is if you talk it out.
If you feel there's a chance to svae it, then you have to get up the courage to do it.
It will be tough, but you can do it.

 

[Seasoned]

I wrote a huge reply on my itouch and got distracted and it got lost. I'm not going to be able to recreate it now, but if you'd like my gentle but honest input pm me. My partner and I have been in our relationship as long as you've been alive and I may have some useful input. Take care.

 

[Deandbn]

First of all, you need to start standing up for yourself. You're a mature adult now at 27. Nobody is forcing you to do things that you don't want to do (unless you're being kidnapped and locked in a basement). For you not to speak up when you don't agree, YOU are misleading him into thinking that you are fine with his decisions. If you don't stand up, you are letting him making decisions impacting your own life. If you don't want to buy a house, tell him. If you don't like how he treats you, tell him. You don't have to yell at him. Just discuss these issues civilly with him. Make him aware of consequences of his decisions or actions.

If you don't have confidence in yourself with someone whom you have lived with for 4 years, you will most likely repeat the same frustrations in your next relationship and the relationship after that and so on. Most people are not mind readers. Looking back at these issues that are bothering you, you have to ask yourself "Was I an enabler for his actions that affected me negatively?" If so, learn not to let people push you around. Otherwise, you're just as at fault for letting them push you around.

Secondly, my advice is for you to discuss these issues with him first to see if things can be resolved. Remove misunderstanding from both sides. Then if you still want to move out, let him know that you need space apart. But it sounded like you're set on breaking up with him. If so, let him know. It is as simple as that. It is not as complicated as you think. Empower yourself and take control of your own life

^^^^^

I also think that HunterM has said it so well.

 

[homosecks]

I've only been in my relationship going on 4 months now and am already beginning to have doubts about it.

As much as I have fallen for him, I believe he has lost interest in me. It's became the same daily routine of us getting up and going our separate ways and not doing anything together.

I'm not sure how to quite approach it cause I don't wanna make him feel pressured to do anything. I am his first relationship and it's becoming difficult cause most of the time I don't know how he feels.

I'd love some advice please.

 

[gameboi]

Thanks for the advice guys. I've been making more of an effort to communicate with him and speak up for myself so we've had some really good talks this last week and I'm starting to feel better about everything. I'm sure it will take some work on my part because I find it hard to open up but I feel like there is hope for our relationship again.

 

[HunterM]

Hooray!!! Good for you Gameboi!

 

[lucasss]

this is also the just about the same story of me and my boyfriend. gameboi you and i are dealing with the same issues. how often do you and your guy have sex?