Don't want to keep being a fool but...

[shastamc24]

So here's the situation. I have been with (off and on) the same guy for quite a few years. Due to personal issues that I had to deal with, the relationship was very bad for quite some time. However, this year we officially started up again. The problem is that it is a long distance relationship and that he has cheated on me multiple times. And lied about it. Most of this occurred while our relationship was bad, and I have learned to forgive him because I know how unhappy we both were. The thing that was more hurtful than him sleeping with other people during that time is the fact that he didn't have the courage to tell me he didn't want to pursue our relationship anymore. I had asked him multiple times.

Then in January I went to visit him and things were actually pretty nice. We had/have a lot to work through, but for once it looked positive. We kept seeing each other a few times a month and it just kept getting better. I was so excited and he assured me he was working on us and had no interest in hooking up with people. He seemed to be excited too and told me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me and I believed him. I love him and have no choice but to believe him.

He has some friend (who I actually think has a boyfriend) that he was hooking up with, while simultaneously telling me he was not hooking up with guys anymore. It had been happening for a few months and he claims that alcohol was involved a few times. I know people make mistakes and I am NOT standing up on a soap box. I have done plenty of stupid things before. But this hurts in a way that nothing else ever has. I specifically asked if there was something going on with this guy and I am kind of scared that I might have something. If he lied to me about this guy, what else is he lying about? I am scared of putting myself in harms way, physically.

Morally, I just don't understand how you can keep cheating on someone like that. If you want to talk about open relationships, etc, then that's fine. Also, I really question what kind of person his friend is if he knowingly sleeps with guys in relationships. (Not to mention that the other guy has/had a boyfriend)

And my boyfriend is coming today. I am so scared he is still lying to me and seeing this guy. He lives on a college campus so it's like one fuck fest I'm sure. Any advice? I want to stay with him but I am trying to work on how to do that without being stressed all the time. Argh! Also, I'm sorry this was so poorly worded d

 

[Seasoned]

You did a fine job with the wording and welcome to the forum and JUB.

Relationship angst from time to time is common but it becomes problematic when it's chronic. Your emotional and mental and physical health must come first because if you compromise any of those in order to maintain a relationship you whittle away at your self-esteem and become more and more co-dependent. That means you gradually focus more on him and the relationship than you do on yourself.

Some people find it easier to lie than to tell the truth and I'm afraid that most people who feel confronted or backed into a corner will lie in order to change the subject. That's why if we know something is irrefutable we should never begin a conversation with, "did you?" but instead just present the facts.

There's a huge difference between wants and needs and he may mean every word when he's with you and speaks of monogamy. Given the distance it may not be practical given his age, sex drive, etc. Long distance couples who wish to remain monogamous rely on masturbation, Skype and phone sex. Being horny and having the means and ease for hook-ups is a daily pressure.

As much as it might hurt you may need to be the one who insists on an open relationship even though you sound as if you don't need or want it. It comes down to deciding if it's better for you to know or to guess. When either of those options becomes intolerable its time to end the relationship. Keep in mind that some of us are programmed to tolerate a lot, to the point of self-destruction.

In the end, I want you to realize that the pain of ending a troublesome relationship is less than the pain of enduring one. I hope you find peace of mind soon and I'm wishing you all the best.

 

[KaraBulut]

And my boyfriend is coming today. I am so scared he is still lying to me and seeing this guy. He lives on a college campus so it's like one fuck fest I'm sure. Any advice? I want to stay with him but I am trying to work on how to do that without being stressed all the time.

Have you had this discussion with him?

 

[sixthson]

Why exactly do you want to stay with a lying, cheating skunk? Are you desperate or insecure?
It's one thing to forgive someone, it's another to be a doormat.

I find it hard to believe he will ever stop cheating after all the cheating and lying he has done. It's a lifestyle for him now.
You should take control and be the one who breaks it off and now. Don't give him that kind of power over you.

 

[FlaMan]

Why exactly do you want to stay with a lying, cheating skunk? Are you desperate or insecure?
It's one thing to forgive someone, it's another to be a doormat.

I find it hard to believe he will ever stop cheating after all the cheating and lying he has done. It's a lifestyle for him now.
You should take control and be the one who breaks it off and now. Don't give him that kind of power over you.

Exactly what he said...You dont need all that drama..And you dont know what he is doing and even if he is playing safe..Do yourself right and drop him NOW!

 

[Jakehh]

You say he's cheated multiple times? I'd maybe understand if it was just once maybe I could forgive that (I don't know) but this guy has apparently cheated on you more than once and also lied about it, that is in no way a healthy or good relationship. In my opinion, there's no excuses for cheating. Also I'd like to add, long distance relationships yeah sometimes I think they may work out but I'd say 8/10 they don't and need twice as much effort putting in by both sides.

I'm not gonna beat around the bush; IMO you're never going to be truly happy with someone like this, you're always going to be paranoid no matter how hard you try to tell yourself your not, you will be. There's always going to be a little voice within your head wondering "WHATS HE UP TO?" "WHY HASN'T HE TEXT ME BACK? WHAT'S HE DOING???" "WHO'S HE WITH???". Doesn't sound like a good relationship to me and if I'm honest I think you know you deserve better. To me it sounds like this whole 'relationship' is going around in circles.

 

[shastamc24]

Thanks for the advice. I think I know what I need to do, but doing it is really difficult. I think tonight I'll ask him if he thinks it's just become a lifestyle at this point. Do you think that's a good idea?

 

[Rolyo85]

In my experience, if a relationship didn't work for a long time, regardless of circumstances, it is not likely to work in the future. And if the guy keeps cheating, then he will keep cheating. It is difficult to let go of someone who has been a huge part of your life for so long, especially through troubled times. But it is a necessity in some cases, and I strongly believe this is one.

 

[shastamc24]

@roylo85 Thanks. I think you are right. I just need to get up the courage. I just don't understand how someone could knowingly cheat with someone that has a boyfriend. Unless he lied and said he did not have a boyfriend. Ugh! Ok, well thanks guys

 

[zenifire]

It's a shame to admit this but I used to be the kind like your boyfriend. I promised and promised but then I kept breaking my promise time after time. Well, it was rough for me at that time, I was in a long distance relationship and my sex drive was strong, but that was no excuse for cheating. You're boyfriend is making a mess, and you'd better have honest conversation with him. In my case, took more than mere promises to get me out of the mess and realize how terrible a person I was. I pray things will work out for you.