Doormat – Some people just don’t get noticed

[evil_danger]

I’m one of those guys who “always has a smile” on my face, everyone calls me “nice” or “friendly”. One of those people that chats with everyone but doesn’t have a proper friend, and if at some point in my life I do have a proper friend they only use me to talk their problems out. I’m not aloud to have emotional upsets because clearly I’m always smiling.

Someone I work with said it quite well today “I don’t think I could ever be angry with you, I don’t think anyone could ever be angry with you” I just walked off, smiling of course thinking to myself ‘No one could feel anything for me anyway”. I would like someone to actually be angry with me, just to show I invoke some kinda feelings in someone.

I’m sick of this image, the whole “oh Chris doesn’t mind” attitude people have about me. People think they can chat over me, ill be talking, clearly as its me i have nothing important to say and half way through without saying sorry someone will just talk over me. The amount of times I have said “I told you so” because they literally didn’t listen to me, mind you I doubt they hear that anyway.

I like being a good guy, but why is that all people think about me, I would love a partner, I think I’m ready for a relationship. I have a social life, I work in a bar, I go out drinking at least once a week, okay not the most exciting of social lives but I’m out there, I’m putting myself out there.

I’m really self conscious though, but still, I know loads of self conscious people who are in long term relationships, and looks wise I don’t think I’m too ugly and I see people even I wouldn’t touch going out with some fit guys/girls.

I guess ill always be Chris, the loveable guy, nothing more.

Am I alone though, I cant be the only person who feels like this otherwise the world is clearly just one big joke.

 

[kevbo]

If you want a friend who shows emotion towards you, I think I'd be a good one. I like to think I'm very good at picking up the good qualities in people, and the bad ones. I'm very honest about what I want to say. Just last night, I was a party and a friend walked in. She just dyed her hair black, and everyone's like, "That looks so good!" and I'm like, "I don't like it, I think it's too dark." Turns out she thought it was too dark, too. I used to be like you, though. Everyone thought I was the fun-loving friend. Then I realized that being a dick sometimes is necessary.

BTW - this is not true for everyone. I'm not saying you should go out and just be an asshole to everyone.

But anyway, if you want an honest online friend - PM me

 

[G-Lexington]

It's up to you to show that there's more there than a vacant smile and a cheery wave.

It's up to you to take these people who "only use you to talk their problems out", and attempt to either make it a two-way road, or put up the "Detour" sign.

It's up to you, the next time someone says, "I don't think anyone could ever be angry with you", to say "I wish somebody would be angry with me - I'm tired of only being the happy smiling bit player in everyone's life."

It's up to you, next time someone interrupts you, to say, "Excuse me, I was talking. Can I finish?"

It's up to you to have enough confidence in your words that they start to stick.

And if you don't want to be a doormat anymore, it's up to you to not act like one.

There's nothing wrong with being nice. And there's nothing wrong with smiling. Those are both great traits. But I don't think they're sufficient. Start showing people there's a complex interesting human being behind the smile.

Lex

 

[bayern20]

evil_danger

You might find this creepy, but one of my friends, Chris, was exactly what you describe.

He like you was always up for hanging out, though he had certain things he would not do. I use to make fun of him a bit (friendly), saying that he was shy doing certain things or what not (like drinking), and I found out later it had nothing to do with that at all. He was just not interested. A lot of the times I actually found myself bored with him, but I found the problem was not him, it was me. I liked drinking because it opened me up more so we can have a friendship, a real one. He on the other hand was already open and didn't need alcohol to be who he was.

But ultimatley, our friendship changed when I opened up and learned who he really was and was comfortable to state who I was. He just didn't get excited about the idea of drinking for example and that is totally cool. Just like I dont get excited at certain things.

But I say all that for one major point. Socializing and going out is not enough. Going out a lot means very little if thats not you. I did the same. But I was going out to forget about things, be with people, all in the while, making small-talk, not being who I was, and watching what I said.

I learned though it was all for nothing. One thing Chris said changed me forever. He said to me "You know, sometimes I would get pissed at you..I get pissed at people that are closed down"...and I said 'why", and he said "because you didn't open up and show me who you were". And I realized..you know, its true. Here we are, the guy considers me his best friend, yet I am here making small-talk, doing a lot of things, but not really being FRIENDS. Its a huge sign of disrespect and frankly a waste of time. Your friends are there for a reason.

Now, having talked about how I improved, something Chris did for me, I told Chris something way before that changed him as well. I was pissed at him for something and that something is what you are doing. Hey, I think I am really nice guy too but that doesn't mean I just smile and go with the flow and just not bother anyone. He, like you, acted like he was fine with everything, he smiled all the time, laughed at things, and always gave this neutral answer. He was honest about himself, but not about topics and things going on. I felt frustrated like he did. It was hard for me to respect him in a way beacuse he always had a neutral answer, you knew it was coming. But i was begging to know him, understand who he was.

So ultimatley, we both changed each other a bit, and that is how we became good friends. You gotta be who you are, and if your friends are friends, you gotta put yourself out there. That is a huge sign of respect and commitment to the friendship. As you said, otherwise, not many people will take you seriously.

 

[evil_danger]

I think I’m starting to get taken more seriously, well actually over the past year I have changed quite a bit, and 2 years ago I don’t think I would recognise myself. I’m just paranoid by nature and this weekend particular I’ve been to the very dark place in my mind that I haven’t been to for some years now. I think a lot of it is over a guy I really care about who doesn’t share my feelings, he has feelings for my friend who also shares those feelings, even though they both say nothing will happen (in private convos (she says hes not right for her, to flirty, self destructive, he says he cares about our friendship to much)) I still feel pathetically jealous when their together without me.

I know I’m not a doormat, just when I’m really depressed I go to that place where I look at myself and think ‘why would anyone want to be friends with you, what can you offer people’ But I do have friends who want to spend time with me.

I still feel like people take pity out on me, but I just need to talk myself out of it and I still have that “he’s a nice friend, but I wouldn’t date him” persona around me that I wanna shake off. I want a serious stable relationship; I need one not just to prove to myself that I can be desirable to someone but I feel ready for another partner. I need someone to clear away the cobwebs!

Thanks for all your help guys.

EvilD

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Yup, u r right. You need to clear away the cobwebs...

And you need to reinvent yourself. Being a nice, friendly and smiling dude is all good and fine. But it really doesn't cut the act either.

You want and need a life. Friends(?) are all cool and nice. Yet, you want to start dating and leave the HS friendships a bit behind you. You have got to grow up and say:

'Guys, I all love you a lot, but I have got things to do and places to go...'. Listening to their problems is very generous but you too, have your objectives.

So, why would you not slightly alter your focus starting with "Today, this is all really about what I can do to make my life better for me. And about what these 'friends' of mine can do for me, too."

Another good thing would be to open up new horizons and branch out into the new territories. A new face happens to be always a new challenge and a few guys out there will be more than happy to take it.

Being 'a good guy' is a lovely concept, in theory, that is. However, people soon start interpreting your natural kindness as weakness of a kind. Being there and available for your friends sounds good. But what's the value of someone, who is always there and whose friendship and attachment is always taken for granted?

Make yourself a bit rare. Do not be a most simple 'open book'. Make other people crave for your company and everything will change for better.

SC

 

[evil_danger]

Yup, u r right. You need to clear away the cobwebs...

And you need to reinvent yourself. Being a nice, friendly and smiling dude is all good and fine. But it really doesn't cut the act either.

You want and need a life. Friends(?) are all cool and nice. Yet, you want to start dating and leave the HS friendships a bit behind you. You have got to grow up and say:

'Guys, I all love you a lot, but I have got things to do and places to go...'. Listening to their problems is very generous but you too, have your objectives.

So, why would you not slightly alter your focus starting with "Today, this is all really about what I can do to make my life better for me. And about what these 'friends' of mine can do for me, too."

Another good thing would be to open up new horizons and branch out into the new territories. A new face happens to be always a new challenge and a few guys out there will be more than happy to take it.

Being 'a good guy' is a lovely concept, in theory, that is. However, people soon start interpreting your natural kindness as weakness of a kind. Being there and available for your friends sounds good. But what's the value of someone, who is always there and whose friendship and attachment is always taken for granted?

Make yourself a bit rare. Do not be a most simple 'open book'. Make other people crave for your company and everything will change for better.

SC

How do you go about making people crave your company, at fair enough I need to change, but I'm still me, I'm always going to be the type of friend who would drop most things to help out, but how can I do that in a way that doesn't give the impression im a push over?

Another question, is there anyway to tell if a friend actually has any real feelings of friendship, or do you just have to trust they do?

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Start by asking yourself, why would any given person really wish to spend any time with you? What are you putting into their well-being, happiness, popularity, sense of self-esteem, whatever? And ask yourself, what are you getting in return? If you go around broadcasting the message 'I'll drop most things, I am doing now, to help you, if you need me, even if I am getting nothing in return' people will buy that message and you will be taken for granted. In other words, you are getting, where you do not want to be, in the first place.

Start radically changing. Do not always be available for the others, in view of the fact that they are not really obliging by doing the same for you.

Meet up with the new crowd and start doing new, different things. Change your focus and start changing your environment. Slowly start adding a premium to your friendship. Everyone's best friend, who is there for everyone, is actually perceived as someone with low self-esteem, little importance and even lesser value, who could be reached at any time, when he is needed. You really do not want to be that person.

Be prepared to go through some little loneliness and rejection, until you get, where you want to be. But stay firm on your course. If anyone needs really needs you, they will reach out and offer something in exchange...

Besides, start seriously dating. You have a life to live and you want to make sure that you have a great dude next to you to spend the weekend or a night with, when all of the 'friendly chats' and what nots are over and done with.

Start sending a message: I am important in my world and I am seeking serious partnership. I have got my own issues and I am solving them now. The focus is shifting from you to me.

SC

 

[loppyears]

*Will you fucking shut up moaning?!*

Say that and it will sort them out.

J/K, but I feel like I could say this to some of my friends. Like you, they treat me the same, only want to talk about themselves and their problems. I'm sticking with my other mates though, who I feel care about me enough which is really helping. Instead of smiling, say what you really feel but NOT in the nicest way possible lol That will show you who your true friends are.

 

[maxpowr9]

LMAO. You basically described me. However, I woke up one day last year and realized that Im sick of dealing with other people and I just stopped listening. However, I think I'm too apathetic now. Hopefully, I will find some happy medium of caring and apathy.

 

[evil_danger]

I don’t feel so much like a doormat at the moment, got drunk out my face last night with a few people from work, it was a great laugh. Got told by 3 people that they fancied me.

One of them a straight guy (I know weird) who said even though he’s never got it up for a guy he knows what he likes from a guy and told me I was sexy. He also said personality wise that he could easily see me as boyfriend material if he went that way. While this is kinda weird it did boost my confidence. Although I didn’t take the compliment at all, being so drunk as to say “Why would anyone like me, I’m ugly” and “I wouldn’t make a good boyfriend, I’m too depressive”. Okay so I wasn’t attracted to this guy, straight guys don’t turn me on cos I know nothing would ever happen, although I though he was cute”

The other 2 were girls, one in a serious lesbian relationship (she’s bisexual) another who is like my best friend and was clearly just saying it to be nice.

I had a good night and it was nice to be part of the group and not feel like I was the extra.

 

[hurriwelli]

I have a question.

What's your usual response to people who ask how you are?

 

[DavieDukes]

I automatically hate people who ask how I am....

Then I swollow my anger and say, "pretty good, how u doin?"

 

[backpacker]

I know this may be of little comfort right now, but as you get older people are more interested in nice guys like you and less interested in jerks. With that said, people are still most interested in people who lead interesting lives. Get involved in whatever interests you. Find some hobbies, join a sports team, a debate team or whatever floats your boat. First off, you will be far more interesting to be around and second you will make some new friends with similar interests. Engage life and life will engage you.

 

[DavieDukes]

I'm not chatty.......

Seems like more a gurl hobby to me........