Dorkchain - Archived Blog Posts

[dorkchain]

Ok, so I decided to tell Whats-his-name that I don't feel comfortable that he is married and to leave me alone. I know its the right thing to do but I now feel sad about it. Oh well, I'll get over it.

Lately i have been really feeling kind of shy and really weird around people. And if someone actually notices me and says something nice...i totally freak out. God, I feel like such an idiot but i can't help it.

The other day I stopped in Burger King to get something to eat but because it was REALLY crowded in there, I decided to sit in my car and listen to the radio and eat instead of having to sit with a bunch of strangers. Some guy came up to my car and i THINK he was trying to hit on me but i just totally froze and like didn't know what to say. He asked me if i had a cigarette and i was like "yeah" and gave him one and then he was like "sorry i don't have any money or i would offer to buy it from you but money isn't everything, hahahaha" and i was like "no problem" and then looked away like i was some stuckup asshole but i was really too shy to talk to him.

I GOT TO DO SOMETHING about my shyness. Its killing me. I know i am missing out on a lot of stuff because of it and its only getting worse not better.

Ok, I guess I should stop writing here and go do something productive....i guess i will go look at porn and jerkoff.

 

[dorkchain]

It finally has stopped raining and I don't have any work to do!!!!! YEAH!! Of course, i don't have anything else to do today either.

Been thinking about moving back to TX. God I hate nj so much. The people are rude. The weather sucks and its really dirty.

So what the hell is going on with me always getting interested in guys i can't ever have? I mean they are either too far away or straight. Everyone tells me to chill and stop looking because as soon as i stop looking is when i will find someone....but i'm getting tired of not looking.

 

[dorkchain]

now that the semester is almost over, i have to make a decision. Do I stay here in jersey or move back to texas in january. I really can't afford it here any more and there is little to no chance i will be able to afford school next semester.

I tried the financial aid thingy, but i have to answer a bunch of questions about partenal support and when i said i wasnt getting any it turns out the my mom still has me on her taxes as a dependant so some fucked up rule says i can't apply by myself.

i dont want to move back to texas since that means i will be back near those assholes i am related to but i don't know what else to do. the jobs i can get here in nj don't pay near enough to live in an apartment and to pay for a car n stuff.

I swore a long time ago that i would NEVER go back. I can count the number of times i have spoken to my mom in the past year, on one hand and trust me, she is just fine with that too....but now that i am kind of stuck i know moving back there would be the worse thing i could do but i don't see much of a choice. UGH!!!! LOL

on a happier note.....

i got this HUGE tip at work the other day and i didn't even realize it until today that this dude gave me like a 150% tip!!!! it was like perfect since i so completely needed to get a new tire for my car so i'm soooooo psyched!!!!!!! woooo hooooo

 

[dorkchain]

It is dark at 5pm what the fuck is up with that. I HATE winter.

I hate most everything about this time of year. From about November 1st to about January 5th.

First is the whole shorten day thing that always gets me down and then theres the fucking holidays which I HATE!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At least this christmas i won't make the same mistake and spend it with my family. I will just stay here in NJ and save money. I probably will get pretty good tips too so thats cool i guess.

Yea it would be nice to spend the holidays with someone i care about but fuck it. I aint gonna freak about that. I'll live.

 

[dorkchain]

So what the fuck is it about me and older married "str8" men? The few times I hook up with a guy (yes i do hook up sometimes...go ahead call me a slut) he always ends up being some older married dude. And I always say to myself, "ok this gotta stop...never again" but it never fails that the next guy is the same.

Its not like i'm an idiot...i know these guys are just in it for the sex but its like i'm some addict! YIKES!!

Monday I meet this HOT guy who was probably in his 40's and obviously had a wedding band on so its not like any of it was a surprise to me. So why do i do this to myself?

Last night, I went out to this bar with a friend and when I was going home it was REALLY late and i realized i probably had too much to drink i shouldn't drive so i pulled over in this FUCKEDUP! area to sleep it off...next thing i know is i wake up and spend most of the late nite (early morning?) hanging out with this married trucker guy who was passing through from kentucky. (i never been in this part of the state before but this rest area was OBVIOUSLY a cruising place....and i mean OBVIOUSLY!!)

so now whats bothering me is...why. why am i attracted to this type of guy? Am i afraid of finding an available guy? Am I doing that whole "daddy replacement" thingy?

I don't think i am doing either, but how else can i explain it? My friend Sarah thinks its just a control/power thing for me....like i can have this power over a married guy. I don't think she is right at all.....she also thinks i'm a slut....ok she might be right about that.

oh well.....Kentucky Trucker is going to be back there tomorrow morning on his way back down.....he wants me to meet him.....do i? decisions decisions!

 

[dorkchain]

I have no idea who my father is. My mom always had a series of boyfriends when i was growing up. Some lasted years and most lasted only one or two nights. My mom is also an alcoholic and drug abuser. She has been this way for as long as I have known her so for me its not something horrible or tragic...it is just who she is.

I have 2 brothers and 1 sister.

My oldest brother was already out of the house when I was born. I don't know him very well.

My sister lives here in nj and i am currently staying with her until i can figure out where i will go and what i will do with my life.

My brother Ben who was 4 years older than me has always been my best friend. But more than that. Love doesn't even begin to describe my feelings towards him. He was like my parent, friend, brother and self all wrapped into one. I remember once when i was in 4th grade, I needed to do this project for an art competition. I worked on it for a week and I was complaining about how it came out and how disappointed i was about it. I wanted Ben to help me fix it and he told me that if he helped me it would be cheating and it wouldnt be fair. My mom got pissed at all my whinning that she threw a pot of water she was boiling on it and it sort of melted away. I went to bed mad...not really crying because fucked up shit like this happened all the time and i was used to it but also i didn't cry because i didn't want to piss off my mom any more.

The next morning my brother stayed up all night and did the project over again for me so i would have something to hand in.

He always did stuff like that for me. He was 13 and took better care of me then my mom did.

I never even thanked Ben.

Three years ago on the day after thanksgiviing Ben was going through this really HORRIBLE shit with my mom. His drinking got really crazy n shit and there was money and drugs n stuff involved. I still dont know what it was all about but i guess Ben decided he didnt want to deal with it so he killed himself.

For about a year after that i hated him for doing that. i hated everything about him and when ever people said something about him i would always say something bad about him.

After that phase i started hating myself. i did some REALLY fucked up shit. I started drinking, doing drugs and to call me a SLUT would be a complete understatement. At one point I got it in my head that I wanted to get HIV so i started having unprotected sex with complete strangers. A LOT of sex. I even placed an ad on bareback.com. (it still amazes me how many HIV+ middle aged men were willing to have sex with a 17 HIV- guy). I have no idea how or why, but I came through it healthy and somewhat sane and now i am taking each day as it comes.

Dont get me wrong because i didn't become a saint either....i am some thing inbetween. I still drink and party and i still love sex but i would like to think that I make smarter choices now.

The most important thing I came to realize is that Ben didn't fail me because he killed himself and left me...he was hurting and didn't know any other way out.

I didn't fail Ben for not being there for him the way he was always there for me. He was the exception but i was just a normal little kid who didn't know how to deal with stuff like that....and who shouldn't have had to deal with it at all.

Most of all:

Benny,

I'm sorry.
I love you.
And thank you.

Paul

 

[dorkchain]

WARNING: If this is rambling, I am sorry. I'm kinda tired and stuff this am.



Last night at work...(i actually like working....keeps me busy and i get to hang with some really cool people plus meet lots of new people)

any way....last night at work this woman comes in with this little kid who was around 6 or 7. The kid was just wild. nonstop talking...cutting in line....running around....going up to strangers and talking to them...just a VERY VERY VERY annoying and wild kid. I'll call him Wildboy for now. (i also thought the mom was a little rude too for not making him behave better)

There was also another family of a mom and dad and a small boy around the same age as Wildboy,sitting there eating. I was taking care of them and I thought wow this small boy is so completely opposite to Wildboy. Small boy was so well behaved and quite and they looked like the most loving family (barf...i know...)

Wildboy goes up to this table while his mom was waiting online and starts talking to this small boy.

Well i don't know what Wildboy said, but the looks this family gave Wildboy was like he just farted or something. Then the small boy tells Wildboy "Go away you are stupid and you are annoying me" and punches or pushes Wildboy (hard to tell which one he did). The parents tried to polietly ignore Wildboy and pretend he wasn't there and encouraged their son to do the same.

So Wildboy's mom finishes up with her order and is leaving at the same time the family is leaving. As they are walking out, the parents of small boy are walking ahead of the small boy and the small boy trips and falls in the parking lot (it looked pretty nasty). Wildboy goes up the the small boy as he is laying down on the ground...about to cry.....and......

Helps him up and picks up the bag the small boy was carrying and gives it to him and asks if he was ok.

Small boy pushes Wildboy and goes to his parents who acted like Wildboy just attacked their son...they got in the car and left.

Wildboy and his mom also got in the car and left (i thought wildboy's mom was crying...not sure why but i can kinda guess)

A little kid was treated like shit by someone and still was kind enough to help that person and again got treated like shit...and it never phased him. Wildboy did what he felt was right.

It has been on my mind since last night.

 

[dorkchain]

I work with a bunch of girls and guys in their mid to upper 20's.

Last night after we closed we were hanging around cleaning up. Most everyone went home and it was me and Donna, Gail and Rob. Donna, who owns the place, spent most of the time complaining about how bad her boyfriend treats her.

Rob is 24 and is soooooooooooooooooooo hot. He is in a band, has a bunch of tattoo's and a few piercings, and looks like the typical spoiled rich kid who is trying to rebel...drinks too much, smokes too much and fucks waaaay too many chicks.

Rob used to be this major homophobe but now once in a while asks me questions about me being bi (i haven't admitted i am gay yet).

Last night after being teased by Gail, Rob start to pretend to do a striptease. It then turns into him really taking his clothes off and dancing around. He tried to get me to do it with him but i am way too shy plus i was WAY too turned on by seeing him to do it. LOL he even jerked off a little bit to get a hardon and was dancing around with it.

Later, when I was driving Rob home I said to him "I can't believe you did that" He said, "you should have danced with me. That wudda been funny as long as you didn't try to fuck me in the ass or anything"

Of course he was joking so I answered, "In your dreams. Besides, I don't fuck guys, I like to get fucked". He looked at me in kinda shock then muttered something like "interesting...we gotta talk about that sometime".


GOD I LOVE MY JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[dorkchain]

i am usually so grounded.
I don't consider myself dramatic or a flake.
Most of my friends tell me I act like a 30 year old.
I've been called many things, like a geek, nerd, dork or my newest nickname (since I did so well in calc) dexter.

I am constantly finding myself attracted to guys.
I definately have a "TYPE".


The reason I am saying all this.......

recently i have found myself obsessed with someone on JUB. so much so that it has become scary to me.

I am totally infatuated with this person.

I have NEVER had any interaction with this person...in fact, this person barely knows i'm alive. Hell, this person isn't even my type....AT ALL. But for some reason I find myself attracted to him (or at least his profile and postings).

I feel like such an idiot. I don't ever get like this...at least not on the net. and definately not with someone I don't think really gives me a 2nd thought.

I'm so stupid.

 

[dorkchain]

Okay, so my exams are over. I don't have anything to do for awhile except go to work. And now I realize how FUCKING bored I am.

I can't afford school next semester so I am going to have to take time off. I don't really have any ties to NJ except school (and my sister and her family but they don't really care if I am around or not).

I LOVE my job here, but its not like it pays great. But I will miss the friends I made at work if I decide to leave.

But I know I have to do something. Either get a new job and find a place to live or get in my car and move on.

Rob (the straight guy from work) suggested I move in with him. He is such a fucking sweetheart!! (and yes, for those of you who asked, things did get a little further with him but he is definately the straight guy).

I am thinking that moving in with Rob will probably not be healthy for me. He already has a roommate and only has 2 bedrooms. I would end up sharing his and well.....you get the idea. So it probably is best for me to leave him as just a friend since straight boys don't make great boyfriends.

I am tempted to just get into my car and drive someplace new. Maybe a little warmer. I don't have any real place picked out but if I am going to do it, i feel i need to do it in the next couple weeks.

 

[dorkchain]

See above entry.

 

[dorkchain]

My last blog entry was just the ramblings of a bipolar, depressed guy who is painfully shy and has little to no self-esteem.

While it was meant to be funny, I apparently hurt some feelings. I swear I NEVER had any one person in mind when I wrote those things.

It was just me being in a bad mood and bitching since I don't really have anyone I can bitch to when I'm in a bad mood.

I am really sorry that I hurt your feelings, and honestly, it was not my intention.

SORRY.

 

[dorkchain]

Things have been going pretty good with Todd. We have been spending a lot of time together and I am getting to know him pretty well. Or so I thought....

When you first meet him, he definitely comes off as one of those "straight" guys who would be willing to bend a little to our side for some sex. He has this whole macho straight guy persona about him and the way he acts. He is always flirting with the girls at work. In fact, sometimes his conversations with them get REALLY sexual. He introduces me as his friend or buddy. In fact, when I stopped in to see him at work he was joking with one of the girls there about blowjobs and swallowing and then said to her that she should give his buddy a blow job (me) since I am a virgin and she would be doing an honorable thing...of course she goes along with the joke and he is pushing me to see how far she goes with it.

When I asked him what the hell was all that about he tells me thats how they always joke and it doesn't mean anything. I'm not jealous at all, but I find it weird that he is going out of his way to come off as this straight macho stud. He tells me he isn't out to anyone and everyone at work jokes like that and the girls are even worse so why should he stop now. Okay...no problem...right? I totally understand and respect his need to treat me as just a friend in public.

Then, the same night, he has no problem kissing me in public (no we weren't drinking). A few days ago we kind of got a little carried away in semi-public and he had no problem giving me oral when it was obvious someone was checking us out.

Superbowl.....we are hanging with a bunch of people and this time he was drinking but just a little. At the end of the 2nd quarter, people were joking around about sex and he is joking around about how he won't be able to concentrate on the game because he is "horny". Then at half-time, he grabs me and announces to everyone how we will be right back after we "take care of a thing or two" and gropes me. No,we didn't have sex. We just went outside and had a cigarette and maybe kissed a little but that was it. When we got back inside, I sat in a chair and he sat on the floor between my legs.

So why in this case would he go out of his way to make himself come off as being gay and make everyone think that we were having sex?

I don't want to ask him because it seems I am always questioning his actions but I have been confused about him and his sexuality since we met. He keeps telling me it should be obvious by now what he is all about sexually, but to be honest with you....its not.

 

[dorkchain]

Ok, I did it. I thought about it for a while and thought it was too soon, but I did it any way. I moved in with Todd. Things were okay with me staying with my sister and her husband but I know I was in the way. And there was no way I could afford an apartment on my own. I was staying there any way so when he asked I said no at first, but I guess he wore me down.

Over all, things are going well between us. He has openly acknowledged our relationship to his friends and at work. He has told his parents he was bisexual and that we were living together. So I guess that is cool.

On the other hand, I don't really have the best background on what a normal relationship is so sometimes its hard for me to know what is normal. I guess I just see if how I feel about a situation to see if its acceptable.

Todd does not have a problem with an "open" relationship as long as we are honest with each other and any sex outside the relationship is JUST SEX. I was very ok with that too....at first. Now I am unbeliveably jealous. Its not like he is fucking around or anything. He only got one blowjob from some chick (i was there when it happened...don't ask....long story) so there really is no reason to be jealous, but for fuck's sake, I am.

I have to decide if I get over my jealousy or do I tell him I am no longer comfortable with this arrangement. What to do....What to do.......