Doubt my mom will accept me

[confusedguy89]

I got accepted into a master's program up north and my bf is planning to go with me. My bf and I have been together for 1.5 years and my parents don't know I'm gay, but my friends do. I still live with my parents, until I go upstate for school. My bf would sometimes stay over my house.


A few hours ago, I told my mom "the guy that stays over" at the house, is planning to move to the same states as I am and we're thinking about getting a place together. When she heard that, she said that she doesn't want that to happen and begins to question why doesn't he go to school here, and stay here, and why is he moving up there the same time I'm moving up there. I asked her why is she against it and she said that she doesn't want people to talk, and say that I'm gay. She said that I will make friends up there at my new school and wants me to find a potential girlfriend and all. My face was flushed with anger and shock, I didn't know how to react, I just stayed silent and left.

I've heard from people that say "it gets better" and everything. But truthfully, I don't know how to be away from my parents if they shun me away if they find out I'm gay.

Life sucks...

Sorry for the vent

 

[Seasoned]

She's the one who has to get over her false shame for having a gay son. I know it hurts to not be accepted, but she'll come around, I believe, when she accepts the fact it's not something she can control.

It's unfortunate that some people seem to think its a phase that the "right girl" will fix.

Stick to your plan. It's your boyfriend and not your mom that will help with the rough patches. Good luck and best wishes to you and your boyfriend.

 

[Brian Smith]

Actually, she is probably afraid that you might be embarrassed yourself. She is likely envisioning a scenario where you are actually a straight guy, and you have to contend with peers, potential employers and everyone else whispering about you...even with nothing there for them to whisper about.

You know your mother better than I do, but she might actually surprise you. The fact that she is concerned about you at all puts you in a better situation than a lot of gay guys. A lot of gay guys already have a rocky, touchy relationship with their parents, and coming out can just be the "straw that broke the camel's back." If you have a solid relationship with your parents in the first place, you're lucky to begin with.

 

[jaysizzles]

Your mom already suspects...subconsciously. You continuing the sham will only keep her hopes alive that you are really straight. Sure...you want her to accept you as you really are, but truth is, you are not showing her who you really are. Can you really be upset with her when you are deceiving her?

Congrats on being accepted into the masters program! When I was accepted into my masters program I was 21/22....an adult. I assume you are around that age too so, time to start acting like an adult...time to start living YOUR life...honestly. And, if you mother cannot accept that..that's her decision, not yours. Chances are she will accept you as you are...although it may take time and patience on your end. Hopefully not tho. good luck.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Confusedguy89,

So you told us that your friends are already aware that you are gay. Likely, they are also aware that you have a boyfriend, and it also seems likely to me (am I right?) that he is also not hiding that he is gay (and engaged with you).

This all means that it is very likely that people around you (= at school, etc.) are already aware that you are gay. So no need to whisper / gossip for alot of people about your orientation and about the friendship between you and this guy. You (and he) are not hiding that you are gay.

So your mother must be aware that your friend is a gay guy, as she would not make such a remark that you should not be friends with him. On the other hand, he is - now and then- also staying in the house of your parents, meaning that both of your parents (any idea about the opinion of your dad and/or siblings?) don't have alot of problems when he is visiting you (and staying during the night at their house).

Well, you don't have a girlfriend and I tend to think that your mother is already -more or less- aware that you are gay. So why not tell her the truth? Or do you prefer to keep 'hiding' to your parents about the friendship with that guy?

Congratulated as well with being accepted to this master program. I would definately stick to your plan, and try to built up a nice life with your boyfriend. Likely (?) you want to live as an open gay while doing your master (so without hiding / lying).

I tend to advise you to tell your parents the truth. Hey man, within the US the ideas of alot of people about gay people is changing very quickly into a positive way. I also tend to agree with others that your parents will accept that they have a gay son. You cannot change yourself, and you want to live a happy and a relaxed life as an open gay guy.

Good luck and feel free to react.

Take care!!

 

[hylas]

she already knows, but shes in denial.

i dont know your mom, but if you come out, her reaction may not be as bad as youd think. sometimes, parents that subconsciously already know that their kids are gay act extra-homophobic as a kind of last-ditch attempt to "ungay" their kids. it doesnt work, of course, and its a passive-agressive asshole move. but once the cat is out of the bag and they have to face reality, they sometimes drop their petty mindgames and take it better than youd think.

or maybe your mom really is a raging bigot.

this really sucks for you, but its her problem, her ignorance, her bigotry, her bullshit... not yours.

coming out is nice and all, but if you are financially dependant on your parents, then i think its justified to stay in the closet, for now. lie to her face and dont feel bad about it; remember, this is not you being a bad person, its you dealing with her bullshit. its her failure as a parent to love you unconditionally that put you in this position. just tell her whatever she wants to hear, and lead the life you want to lead. this will get even easier if you live in a different place. is it possible for you to get a place with your bf without them knowing about it?

if youre financially independant, id come out to them. perhaps wait until youve moved out, but then definitely come out. they may react poorly, and there is going to be pain, and im so sorry for that. but this is the only way they will ever change.

good luck! i hope things go well for you. and yeah, things really do get better.
congratulations for getting accepted!

 

[sixthson]

The love of a parent for their child is supposed to be unconditional, but we know this is not always the case. If she loves you without condition, she will eventually come around, no matter how much she dislikes it. However, if her love is a controlling love, where you have to perform to her liking to get it, she may never accept it. These are just the facts of life.

Like every young man, eventually you must make a life for yourself. Even heterosexual children sometimes get the disapproval of parents over their choice of mates. Those who let their parents decide whom they will love eventually learn that is a mistake.

Many of us have known the rejection of family and friends because we are gay. We have made lives for ourselves and can look back with joy that we did the right thing by not bowing to their pressure.

Why do you say you don't know how to be away from your parents if they shun you? Is it a strong emotional attachment or a financial one?

 

[Rolyo85]

Like was already said, unconditional love leads to acceptance. Parents who truly love their children, change their views based on that feeling. Those who need you to "perform" in a certain way to get their love are hypocrites, and even when they are your parents, you are better off without them.

You are moving away. Now would be a good time to come clean. She is your mother. She already knows. She doesn't wanna accept it, she is probably telling herself you're asexual, "late bloomer" or whatnot, and she is clinging to those hopes. I have had the EXACT same things said to me by my parents. Guess what - they both accepted me when I came out. My mom needed about an hour to get over it completely, and while my dad doesn't like talking/thinking about it, he has not changed his attitude toward me at all.

If you trust that your parents love you, listen to that, and not to random hurtful words and your own fears. Coming out to the parents is hard and scary as fuck. But it is the most important step in coming out, and you'll never be a real adult without it.

 

[wikke1]

some very valuable thing said here above.

I can only tell you I waited (with the same fears as you) 'till I was 27.

Both my parents accepted it. It's a whole process.

I would advise you not to wait much longer, it would only make things more difficult.

However, do what feels best in your situation. All the best!