Douseiai - Archived Blog Posts

[douseiai]

first time i have blogged here and most will ignore it which is good for me since i just have to say it and cause i'm to nervous and shy to say it to those involved directly i'm just gonna put it here so meh...
well i have decided that i keep falling for people out of my league... i keep getting closer to some guys and i just want there to be more... but i know there will never be more...

if you talk to the same guy every night for more then an hour and he is the only person you have ever been able to talk to that long on the phone does that show some level of want? i have never been able to talk to anyone on the phone for more then 20 minutes until now... since friday (might have been thursday) of last week i have been talkin to this guy every night for at least an hour each night... this is probably bad because of his situation but i don't know i have never fallen for anyone before and he seems to be really great in everyway... i don't know what to do... i want to confront him and tell him i have feelings for him greater then friendship... but i don't know how... i have always been fairly shy with my own feelings though i don't mind just goin counceler troi on everyone else... i have been having the fear that i will be alone forever because i have never been with anyone... but i'm probably just my relationship crazy self... meh i dunno so confused

 

[douseiai]

as per the comment for my first blog yes i know emotional control well... i have had to practice it all my life which is why i have always been shy to express myself... last night i told him i liked him as more then a friend and he either ignored it or he isn't taking it to heart i dunno i'm just pissed that even if i do talk to him more he isn't going to return my feelings to any degree as great as mine i have never been in a relationship before and i have no clue where to go how to start or anything... its just so confusing for me.... he has broken up with his boyfriend and just talking to him as much as i have i have been just sort of drawn into liking him... we agree so much and we are so similar... i dunno i guess i'm reading to much into it still and should stop and just let us just be friends... meh fucking hell i need to stop...

 

[douseiai]

oddly enough this is the only blog i feel like i can just vent anything on... well i have been kicking my ass all day and feel horrible... i can't wait to move i think it will really do me good to get out of the closet... err i mean house...though being publically out of the closet would be fun too.... bleh i shouldn't be kicking my ass but i am i suck... bleh gonna go to cry and sleep...

 

[douseiai]

happened last week or so...

well i was on jub chat and one of my friends from there was talking to me in private as we do... nothing bad just idle chit chat and him commenting on how he wants to get a guy to plow me... i'm a virgin so he finds it amusing and keeps wanting me to get "plowed".... well anyways he askes me if i have every stuck anything up... me being openly honest say yes i have 2 things... i go and grab both since i am sitting on cam... 1 is a back scrubber whose handle is ribbed for my pleasure (finger grooves ) the other is a miniature baseball bat... so he askes why two... i answer one for shower (handle) and one for out (bat)... he laughs... after a while i put the backscrubber back but i kinda left the bat by my chair... well later that day i got a little whiley and decided to use my bat... well i used it (mmm best hour and a half i have had in a while) so well i cleaned it up a bit and stuff and i kinda had it set on my bed (which is next to my chair) and after a while my mom came home and she wanted to talk a bit, i was like sure haven't talked to for a bit... so she sat down on my bed and for our like 20 minute conversation... she couldn't stop fondling my bat... she just wouldn't put it down... it took all my control not to just bust out laughing... so after she left i just busted up laughing... i was just rofling around it was so funny...

 

[douseiai]

i dont think i will be checking jub much lately... you can get my yahoo msn or aim easily from my profile so feel free to hit me up... just been kinda depressed lately so yeah jub is fun don't get me wrong its just that theres a lot on my mind and jub just reminds me of stuff that i want to think about as little as possible... so i might post here and there but other wise if you need me you will have to reach my via other means....

 

[douseiai]

i think i'm better so i'll be gettin back to my usual 6 or so posts a day so yeah!

 

[douseiai]

ok i have been emo for like a month now... just like pure emoness... everything short of cutting my wrists... wait nm i did i stopped myself before going deep it was more like scratching my wrists with a knife... i have just been like thinkin to myself "why the fuck did i want to cut myself?" i have had like 4 suicide attempts before and since going more into my religion i have been happy, now that i have been coming out more i have been even more happy... i have been on jub since late last year... i have been out to many for a little over a year and i keep wonderin why i dont have a guy... i of course finish thinking about it its cause im an ugly fatass but aside that theres not many around here and i cant even afford to move and grr just so fuckin pissy... i don't get why i have been so emo lately... i know i want a guy and i think i know what guy i want but i cant have him cause well he doesn't want a guy right now... ok i can live with that... though i dont know how long i can just sit around and wait... its not like other people are after me or anything so its not like im gonna be wisked away.... grr going to bed crying like every other night does not help ones self esteem.... grrr sadly i'm posting this blog of me just ranting around on a blog that strangers read and not friends, well i know why that is though... my friends dont like emo guys and are mostly straight... the rest i dont want worrying about it... so strangers come and tell me to shut up and either wait for the guy or go in search of someone... oh the guy is not local either he lives in oregon (im in socal) so yeah grr this pisses me off that im like this... im not used to going to bed and crying almost every night... well looks like tonight will be one of those nights...g'night now sorry for the rant no i didn't go back to edit or spellcheck so yeah sorry g'night

 

[douseiai]

grrr due to monetary concerns of other peoples.... i dont get to club tonight oh wells they say next week is cool....

 

[douseiai]

lol this woman today i did the nice little pleasant conversation of "hows it goin?" at the end before she walked away this was the exchange...
her: *worried look on her face* "you have really red cheeks... you should really get them checked out"
me: *smiling like i normally do* "yes i have gotten them checked out they are merely enlarged capalaries whom cause a red pigmant to show through my skin tone."
her: *still worried look* "oh i see... well i just like to point out anything that could be a medical condition" *she smiles thinking she is a good person and all*
me: *without wasting a moment in a semisarcastic/snide tone* "really, thats good... however wouldn't it have been more prudent of you to say something about my tumor instead?" *i incline my head slightly for her to get a better look at my wen*
her: *shocked look* "oh my" *starts to walk away*

i'm sorry i have red cheeks... i have for 20 years... everyone comments about them but noone talks about my tumor... why is that? i mean sure its a banine dead tumor called a wen but still it does show... but apparently red cheeks (which at worst means lupis) is worse then a tumor on the top of your forhead....

 

[douseiai]

im gone to comic con this weekend ttyl all...

 

[douseiai]

well i just got back from comic con so i figured i would give a report... Comic Con was awesome as usual... I am leaving wow for warhammer online
but more importantly the more normal stuff...
I checked out Prism comics as i was recomened to and was totally awesome... i hung(lol) out there the most

are works by this guy Tim Fish... very cool guy I got him to sign

that was well one of the cool parts... the coolest was

www.surgeofpower.org
very fun movie and i got to hug the main character and this other guy that was in the movie... they were shirtless... and the other guy was just in breifs and then he hugged me and omg i was so nervous i didn't want to touch them cause i have never had to hotties be like that around me so it was fun

i spent money of course... my best purchase...

that thing helped so much...
for fun i baught a walking stick and matching necklace...

thats the staffs top

thats the necklace
and as my usual weapon purchase... i got somethin fun for my off hand...

all in all an awesome con... i think i'm gonna try to work at one next year.. preferably prism cause the guy there was so nice and fun i would love to work over there with him.... so yeah was lots of fun sept that i drove and well that wasn't to fun oh i did buy these random 10 dvds for $20 just cause.... go b-horror movies...

so was fun once i get pics of me with the guys from my friend ill post them

 

[douseiai]

ok since i moved here theres been this guy that i have sort of befriended... if not a little more... we sorta met then he friended me on myspace(yeah i know i know) then we went to a concert then a couple weeks later we went and saw a movie...
well yesterday he msged me and started a simple conversation with me... and well i wanted to see him again so i invited to a halloween party i was going to go to...
he said he would think about it... then we talked some more... then he said he didn't want to go to the party but would like to hang out... so i of course said sure... and well after a bit more of talkin he asked if he could ask me an odd question... i prefering bluntness to subtlty... of course said sure since it is rather hard to insult me... so he went on to ask... "will you be uncomfortable if I, you know, start getting horny? because it's possible that that could happen..." to which i said "what at the party" ... and he answered "well, the next time I see you..."

this struck me as odd... quite odd really..... though it did make me blush