Dropping an unwanted friend

[kevin7620]

Here's a question that probably hasn't been asked too many times:

There's a friend I have that I've known since middle school. We went to grades 6-8 together, and then he moved away but we still kept in touch in high school, college, and beyond. Around the time he moved away, our lives began to diverge. I did well in high school, went to a top undegrad, and am now finishing medical school. Meanwhile, he did okay in high school, spent a year or two in an okay college before dropping out to work odd jobs for a while before going back to technical school to learn a trade. Although he now works full time and is apparently working on his associate's, I honestly do not see great success in his future.

Before I get slammed for being elitist, let me add that he is a racist, sexist, and homophobe on top of all this. Now, I have to admit that before college, I was some of these things as well. However, we have seriously diverged in this regard as I now consider my viewpoints on social matters to be progressive while he is a right-wing nutjob for whom hating people "worse" than him (gays, blacks, hispanics, other immigrants, you name it) is about the last thing he can do to feel better about his shitty situation.

So, to get the point, I feel like he's the kind of person that if he ever found out that I was gay, he might "gay-bash" me. So ideally, I just don't want to associate with him any longer. But he still calls from time to time asking to hang out (he has few friends) and I feel bad always blowing him off and so agree every now and then.

I really want to stop "being friends" with him, but I just don't know how.

P.S. He's actually never been in a relationship with a girl - so I figured for a while that he could be gay as well?? The one porn DVD he has let me borrow in the distant past was huge-breasted lesbian soft-core (because he didn't want to see any cock in his porn)... His father is an even scarrier right-wing nutjob than he is... But, on the other hand, he mentioned that he likes to go to titty bars and in fact suggested that we go to one as well (I politely refused).

 

[Jeimuzu]

Tough... If he starts being a prick about you being you, just use that as a reason to dump him. After all, that really is the reason.

Mind you, this thread is not well named.

 

[maxxximum]

how about telling him that youre gay that ought to do the trick

 

[taiger65]

well, before you tell him that you're gay, maybe you could tell him that you don't like his racist, homophobic, comments, and see how he reacts. maybe he's only been doing that for old time's sake, since both of you used to be kinda like that. if he really values your friendship, then he'll understand what you mean and try to change himself.

if he doesn't react well, then you don't have to tell him you're gay. just let him go, maybe you'll hear from him again in a week, apologizing, maybe you won't. if he doesn't think that highly of your friendship, then no biggie, because you won't need him either.

 

[racer2438]

be the straight up man you are and tell him the truth. You know you are the people you can count on. if he shows you the other side . You dont have to be told twice, do you?

give him 1 chance and then make your mind from there. You may not have to look hard to find out you dont need freinds like that.

 

[bma1983]

You should tell him that you're gay before you end the friendship. It wouldn't be fair if you stop talking to him all of a sudden. He should know why you are no longer his friend.

And if by chance he accepts you being gay, you should still ask yourself if you want a friend who is racist.

We are judged by the company we keep.

 

[halubtsi]

I've had good friends, and since I'm not white, if you were my friend, you really couldn't have been much of a racist.

So, based on what you've said, you need to ask yourself if keeping him as a "friend" is better than the guilt of abandoning him. Unfortunately, only you can answer this question. Normally, I'd think it would be pointless to tell him you're gay, but under the circumstances...it could either 1-give you the out you were looking for, or 2-he changes his tune because he has a gay friend.

Now, letting time pass and hoping the friendship dies sometimes doesn't always work. I had a friend who just wouldn't take the hint. I did have to tell him explicitly that we were no longer friends.

 

[jockboy01]

So I have a question....

Do you want to keep him as a friend?

Based on...

I really want to stop "being friends" with him, but I just don't know how.

I would say that you've decided that no, you don't. If that's not the right answer, or you're not sure, then disregard this and we'll work through that issue.

I think it is perfectly legitimate to no longer want to be friends with somebody after a period of time and you realize that one or both of you have changed and no longer share the same values. There are several ways to do this....

1) Be up front and just tell him.
2) Stop hanging out... make yourself unavailable when he wants to do stuff and let yourselves drift apart
3) Tell him everything you don't like about him
4) Tell him your gay and since he's homophobic you can't be friends

(ok, the last two are a bit sarcastic). But basically, I go for number 2. It sounds like you guys haven't been close/hanging out for a number of years. And so there is no problem in just letting things drift apart. Friendships take work on both parts and if one lets it go, it kind of falls apart.

I'm not really the upfront type in this b/c ultimately it is only going to hurt him and probably make him dislike you... there's nothing to be gained by either party. So just let it drift and in the long term, nobody will really care (unless you're the only friend he has... but I doubt that).

I think using your homosexuality to break up with him is a terrible idea. Never should coming out be used in an argument or with the intent of losing a friend. But that's just my opinion.

 

[RicanDAB]

After this week, I firmly believe that a straight guy who has a problem with gay people either a) had a bad experience or b) is gay and hiding it ...

I echo this sentiment 100% ... and Kevin, you will never know until you tell him. But I do agree that you should talk about his homophobia to gauge whether you should or should not reveal about yourself. In the end, if he is a true friend, your being gay will not be an issue at all. And if you choose not to be friends with him anymore, clearly let him know and cut all ties.

 

[unclaimedblessing]

Sounds like all the wrong attributes expected of a good friend.
Obviously others share that opinion or he wouldn't be calling you so often (especially after the "blow offs").
It's no fun being dumped, but why should you bear the burden of his unwanted friendship". The sooner you do something about it, the happier you will be.

 

[Theyoungman]

Wow. Good comments... I couldn't have done any better.