Drowing in a sea of pain and confusion

[Medicman1978]

I guess if I had to title this as something it would be "Sex, Lies and a Web Cam!"

This all started at the wish of my best friends g/f. Not the one is married to but a previous one. She was a bit of a freak, if you want to call it that. She enjoyed watching to men together. She got off on it.

Now my best friend was 100% straight, to be honest I always thougth he was a bit curious about sex with men. There were little hints here and there, after so many years together as best friends you kind of started to wonder. Me I am Bi. I know that about myself. He never knew 100% but he had his suspision about me. But we never talked about it, out of site out of mind. Was I attracted to him sexaully, YES. But we dated girls and I kept that part of me hidden because I knew that he could never handle it. Well that is until his gf came into the picture. I will call her Girl A. Like I said she was freak. She approached me first, as she put it she felt that I was more relaxed about sex, more open and willing. I told her at the time it wasn't really good idea, that it would freak my BF out. She went on with her plan of talking to him easing him into the idea. It was a very slow process, but we got there. For me I was excited about it, his willingness to open up and experiment. My curiousity peaked, after all he is very hot and musclar and vgl. I won't go into all the details but we did what she wanted, for me it was about him, and for him I think at first it was about her and giving her what she wanted. Then it turn into us doing things without around or her knowing. That of course meant the world to me because it was about just me and him. I began to resent her push for it, because I felt she saw him as a piece of meat, a toy for her amusement and of course I saw him as something else. So I stop, and didn't want to take part in it anymore. Of course they went on without me. Just the two of them. I think also that was something he wanted to. He was becoming tired of it as well. They soon broke up and he and I continued, to say i wasn't happy would be a lie. There was a line in movie with Drew Berrymore were she talked about finding something so precious and so happy that you found it, but so affraid that you would loose it at the same time. Well that is how I felt. I sort of always figured the other shoe would drop some day. It took a year but it did. Enter Girl B. His now wife.
Someone said on here that he felt the pressures to conform, the need to be accepted. I think you hit the nail on the head. He slowly began to pull away. Even though he was very suttle about it, I knew. After so many years you just know things. Girl A was gone, he was done with her. But it took several months to finally realize that was a Girl B. He mastered the art of hiding her. He put a password on his phone. I only knew because we were out once and I asked him to use his because my battery had died. I had used it before several time and there was no password. I didn't ask him. Then there were the converstations, and I would ask who he was talking to. His answer was "my sister" I just thought you myself, you talk to your sister with that tone. I knew he was lying but I let it go. I wanted to see how this would play out. I noticed on his computer that he had a friend on his messenger, i had seen him talking to her a few times. He said they were just a friends, he really didn't know her, she was just a girl he chatted with from time to time. Okay no big deal. Now we get the the first reason of why she hates me. I was on his computer installing somethings for him. And when you turn on his system his messenger auto opens. She was there and she sent him a message. Now first-off, I am a smart ass, I know this about myself. Had I to do it again I wouldn't, but she sent him a message about some pictures she sent to him. I of course replied back that I didn't get the pictures. Hell I wanted to see what she looked like. She sent them and I responded back. "Oh you didn't tell me you were fat." Funny "yes" was it wrong. "yes". Needless to say she was pissed. And when my bf finally talked to her later that day he got cursed out. Now he came home mad as hell, yelling at me about it. I apologised to him, but I also had a serious question. I asked him, "what does this girl mean to you?" You are too upset about this if this just some girl you talk to on the internet." I told him there seems to be something more there, because u are over reacting..... He didn't reply, but I knew. I knew she was more. I knew it all in that moment. Things went back to normal soon after, we were still sleeping together and all that. Now one weekend he didn't come home on saturday night. He had dinner plans with his Aunt and family, and we had plans to go out afterwards. He didn't show up and he wasn't answering his phone, or calling me back. I got worried, because it wasn't like him. But there was nothing I could do but wait. He showed up at 3am. said that he went out with his cousins after dinner and hung out. I let him tell his lie. I knew he was lying, but I didn't call him on it. continued...........

Part II.....
Like I said I knew he was lying and I just let it go. He would come around and tell me the truth when he was ready. He finally did the next weekend, or Monday morning. He didn't come home until the next morning. I was getting ready for work and he came in. Came in with a nice set of head phones that he knew I wanted. I would have rathered him come in with nothing at all then that. I felt like the wife who husband feels guilty and thinks a gift will erase that guilt. I left the on the table, asked if he had a good time and then left it at that. Now of course I was hurt and of course once i was alone in my car. I wanted to cry, and I think I did. I know I wasn't in the mood to go to work so I just drove around and around and around. I came home late and he was out playing golf or something, when he came home he talked to me and apologised for it all and he started crying. I accepted it and that was that. Two days later I was getting out of my car at home, and guy came up to to me and ask if I knew girl b, and I said yes, not thinking of who i was and he punched me in the face. Of course we faught in the parking lot and someone broke it up. After a lot of screaming and yelling we finally got to the bottom of why he hit me. I questioned him and he told me that he was the husband of girl b, and that my bf told him that I was talking/seeing her and not him. I still she his face when he understood that i wasn't lying and we talked and he told me all of it. I called my roommate and the guy left and me and my roommate went to town about it. Girl b's husband kicked her out and my roommate moved out and moved her into a new place with him. Needless to say he stuck me with two months rent also...

He and I worked through it, though things were never the same. I didn't trust him. And he feared me. Not because of any phsycial pain I could cause, but because I had knowledge about things that no one knew. Back when he was dating girl A, she wanted us to video tape alot our sessions for her. We did, of we were drunk off our asses, but we did. A total of 15 videos to be exact. I have all of them. He knows I do, I will never use them to hurt him, and not sure why I hold on to them. Okay that is a lie. I know why.... But pretty much that is how it all started and ended, and put us both on this path that we are on now.

We still talk from time to time, he will email me just to see how I am doing. And sometimes against my judgement I get crazy and call him....But it is all few and far between. I know we are both just hurting each other, but it is where we are......

 

[Medicman1978]

I understand you, man - I know how hard it must be. It's not easy to let go such a long friendship and all the history that it brings along.

But, as we have already said here, it is NOT your choice. You did everything you could. HIS wife gave him an ultimatum, HE decided to part away from you. It is sad, but you don't have too much to do. Not even keep on blaming yourself.

What happened, happened. The history you shared will have to be remembered for what it was. By the way, have you ever considered that many times what happened was "a happy past/so happy times" because it's... in the past? Time has the power to make us look at same things with different eyes.

So try to put yourself together now, as hard as it can be. And move along with your life. Your history and his end now. To keep on mourning about its end will be only - sorry for being rude - a waste of time.

Come on! You have a whole life ahead, and many friends/dates more to make!

You are right, every day I get closer and closer to being whole again. I have someone esle in my life. He knows all about the previous relationship. And you are right that my relationship with my bf has ended in some ways. But something will remind me of something and I feel that knife sticking me right in the chest.

I don't want to add to your confusion. But, are you sure his wife gave him an ultimatum? Or is he just telling you that to let himself off the hook? Because it sounds like he's been using both of you.

I am very sure, Here is the email he sent to me, letting me know his choice. This part is from me.

Hey buddy, I am just speechless. I don't know if you know it, but I got a call from you phone and she was questioning me, from your phone!

I am not playing this game anymore. I am not gonna hide in the shadow and wait for a change to come that will never come.

You need to find some peace in your life, and I think the only way for you too, is to walk through some pain. Oh, don't worry, I am not gonna cause you any pain. I care about you too much. Buddy it kills me to see you keep trying and trying like to are and you can't do the things you want or have the smallest amount of freedom for yourself.

Find the joy in your life buddy.

Your best friend for life

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
His response

Tell me about it. I have spent the better part of the night and this morning thinking and praying. M*****what friendship is worth a marriage? M******** and I have been getting along so well and things have changed so much in our marriage. Then the text, did she over react? yea, but she is entitiled to, she is my wife. I made a commitment to her, took a vow before witnesses and God to honor, cherish and love her. She has asked (told) me not to have any contact with you and I still do. How is that honoring my wife? Oh I know, how is she honoring me, she should respect me and allow me my friends, but she will not allow us to. Now we are still friends, that will never change, but what needs to change is the contact and talking.
You are right about one thing, there is going to be pain, and yea I am going to have to walk thru it. The pain is going to come from both sides of this. I will change my profile in facebook to public, and try to keep it updated, so if you are wondering how things are going drop by my page and see. I have to honor her wishes in this M*****. It is the only way, for now. I dont understand what is going thru her mind and why she is this way but I dont have to, what I do have to do is fulfill the vow that I made to her. Please, old friend, dont make this more difficult. This is not what you wanted to hear, I know, but it is the only way my marriage will work. It is not what I want to do but something I must do, so for now, live happy, treat your self well, and take care.
No more calls, no more texts, PLEASE


It still kills me to read this.

Snap out of it.

Your jealousy and her jealousy put together would make any man miserable.

From the way you put it, your real anger is that he chose her instead of you.

Theoretically he is straight.

He made his choice.

Butt out of his life.

Do your grieving and then move on.

There is no jealousy on my part. I miss my friend, and that is it. I know theoretically he is straight, and I know he made the choice. What really pissed me off about it, is that she made him do it......

Part II.....
Like I said I knew he was lying and I just let it go. He would come around and tell me the truth when he was ready. He finally did the next weekend, or Monday morning. He didn't come home until the next morning. I was getting ready for work and he came in. Came in with a nice set of head phones that he knew I wanted. I would have rathered him come in with nothing at all then that. I felt like the wife who husband feels guilty and thinks a gift will erase that guilt. I left the on the table, asked if he had a good time and then left it at that. Now of course I was hurt and of course once i was alone in my car. I wanted to cry, and I think I did. I know I wasn't in the mood to go to work so I just drove around and around and around. I came home late and he was out playing golf or something, when he came home he talked to me and apologised for it all and he started crying. I accepted it and that was that. Two days later I was getting out of my car at home, and guy came up to to me and ask if I knew girl b, and I said yes, not thinking of who i was and he punched me in the face. Of course we faught in the parking lot and someone broke it up. After a lot of screaming and yelling we finally got to the bottom of why he hit me. I questioned him and he told me that he was the husband of girl b, and that my bf told him that I was talking/seeing her and not him. I still she his face when he understood that i wasn't lying and we talked and he told me all of it. I called my roommate and the guy left and me and my roommate went to town about it. Girl b's husband kicked her out and my roommate moved out and moved her into a new place with him. Needless to say he stuck me with two months rent also...

He and I worked through it, though things were never the same. I didn't trust him. And he feared me. Not because of any phsycial pain I could cause, but because I had knowledge about things that no one knew. Back when he was dating girl A, she wanted us to video tape alot our sessions for her. We did, of we were drunk off our asses, but we did. A total of 15 videos to be exact. I have all of them. He knows I do, I will never use them to hurt him, and not sure why I hold on to them. Okay that is a lie. I know why.... But pretty much that is how it all started and ended, and put us both on this path that we are on now.

We still talk from time to time, he will email me just to see how I am doing. And sometimes against my judgement I get crazy and call him....But it is all few and far between. I know we are both just hurting each other, but it is where we are......

 

[SteveyBoyLA]

I had somewhat of a similar ultimatum given to me. But my circumstance is nowhere as breathtakingly complicated as yours. When I was in my "girl" phase 15 years ago, I took my best buddy (married with kids) out to a massage parlor in Las Vegas where we both got blow jobs from female "massage therapists" in separate rooms. After he returned home, he felt guilty about this experience, and came clean about it to his wife. His wife's conclusion was that I was the instigator for him to try this, and she was very upset that I tempted her man to "cheat on her". She told him that she did not want him to see me again, and he agreed. After much sadness and disappointment, I respected his decision. I never made further contact with him again.

Your bf says: No more calls, no more texts, PLEASE. I suspect you know the right answer: respect his wishes and move on. It's his right to ask you, and it's the right thing for you to do. (For further respect to him, you should probably discard the videos.)

 

[Medicman1978]

I had somewhat of a similar ultimatum given to me. But my circumstance is nowhere as breathtakingly complicated as yours. When I was in my "girl" phase 15 years ago, I took my best buddy (married with kids) out to a massage parlor in Las Vegas where we both got blow jobs from female "massage therapists" in separate rooms. After he returned home, he felt guilty about this experience, and came clean about it to his wife. His wife's conclusion was that I was the instigator for him to try this, and she was very upset that I tempted her man to "cheat on her". She told him that she did not want him to see me again, and he agreed. After much sadness and disappointment, I respected his decision. I never made further contact with him again.

Your bf says: No more calls, no more texts, PLEASE. I suspect you know the right answer: respect his wishes and move on. It's his right to ask you, and it's the right thing for you to do. (For further respect to him, you should probably discard the videos.)

You are right it is his right to request that of me, and I have honored that. All of our lives even before anything happened between us. Our friendship was extremely strong. The bond, the connection it was a living being on its own level. It really was like at times we were one person. Sometimes it got in the way of our relationships with others. His gf and mine gf. It would be hard sometimes for us to go out as a group because it sometimes would be us and them. Of course we never meant it to be that way, it would just happen. One of my old gf was jealous of he and I, but she knew enough not to give me an ultimatum.

I don't contact him, he sometimes will contact me...I live in another city now. I let him make the move to contact me. I have once or twice sent him an email but that is few and far between.

 

[Atzesp]

I questioned him and he told me that he was the husband of girl b, and that my bf told him that I was talking/seeing her and not him. (...) Girl b's husband kicked her out and my roommate moved out and moved her into a new place with him.

Let me see if I got this properly: so your ex-bf wife used to be married to a guy and cheated on him with your ex-bf, now her husband??? Is that right???

 

[Medicman1978]

Let me see if I got this properly: so your ex-bf wife used to be married to a guy and cheated on him with your ex-bf, now her husband??? Is that right???

No my bf cheated with this guys wife, whom he has now married. The guy confonted me, and punched me because he thought I was the one talking to his wife. He called my bf phone #, he found it on his wifes cell and my bf coward and instead of admitting he was the one, he told the guy I was the one. The guy came looking for me and punched me when he came by our place....

 

[Atzesp]

So, that's what I understood.


After all that, I'm afraid I'm gonna let you down once more, but Man! Get out of this ASAP! It's too much trouble and confusion involved in order for you to be in the middle. And that can also explain her fears... Maybe she doubts something (about you and your bf), and since both of them have a history of cheating now she's afraid that she might get cheated.

Besides that, your bf was coward enough not to admit the truth - not even to you, nor to the girl's husband, then. You got punched because of his lies, God damn it! For me, that would have been reason enough to forget about him.

Character issues... And that's the kind of thing that people are born with. There's nothing anybody can do to change it.

 

[Medicman1978]

So, that's what I understood.


After all that, I'm afraid I'm gonna let you down once more, but Man! Get out of this ASAP! It's too much trouble and confusion involved in order for you to be in the middle. And that can also explain her fears... Maybe she doubts something (about you and your bf), and since both of them have a history of cheating now she's afraid that she might get cheated.

Besides that, your bf was coward enough not to admit the truth - not even to you, nor to the girl's husband, then. You got punched because of his lies, God damn it! For me, that would have been reason enough to forget about him.

Character issues... And that's the kind of thing that people are born with. There's nothing anybody can do to change it.

You are right and before I got punched I was aware of his character issues. But his lies or issues never seem to reach me. It was sor of like i was a safe haven for him to go to.
It was it for me, because I allowed myself to see him for what he was, and is. It wasn't a pretty sight and it was the first physical fight we ever had. To answer the question about his wife not liking me. After her husband and I both calmed down and he talked to me and told me a lot of things about his wife and her past, her previous cheating episodes, and her past and current criminal record. I presented that to him. And when she got in my face about this and accused me of being in her business. I showed her the bruise on my face and told her to ask my friend why i am in this. I let her know what i thought of her and how she needed my bf because her husband threw her out with nothing and no place to go. And of course my bf needed to prove that he was straight by latching on to this damaged girl.
It is funny because everything that everyone has told him about this girl, me, his family, the girls ex husband. It has all come true, and he has suffered and lost so much. I sort of feel sorry for him, sort of, and sometimes I still get pissed off, but he has hurt himself more than he has hurt me.

This has helped me a lot, it has given me the opportunity to just sit and vent it. Its good......

 

[Seasoned]

This is about your bf and not about his wife. I don't know why you didn't drop him. Get rid of those videos. It's not healthy for you to have that kind of power over him. I don't know about your circle of friends but now is the time to reach out to them.

 

[Telstra]

Never give the videos to anyone without his permission.

 

[rjmrjm21]

No offense but, the entire relationship and this thread is kind of dumb. When you don't set boundaries you end up with a blob of bullshit. 1st you tried to bs by saying he was just a friend. Then you said he's a boyfriend. It's things like that he does not cherish. He loves his wife, his marital boundaries, and his life but, he does not love you. Sounds more and more like he played you. That's really all there is to it. Peace!

 

[Medicman1978]

This is about your bf and not about his wife. I don't know why you didn't drop him. Get rid of those videos. It's not healthy for you to have that kind of power over him. I don't know about your circle of friends but now is the time to reach out to them.

The videos are gone now. You are right, it wasn't good for me to have that power over him. Some friends know about this and what happend.

Never give the videos to anyone without his permission.

They are destroyed.

No offense but, the entire relationship and this thread is kind of dumb. When you don't set boundaries you end up with a blob of bullshit. 1st you tried to bs by saying he was just a friend. Then you said he's a boyfriend. It's things like that he does not cherish. He loves his wife, his marital boundaries, and his life but, he does not love you. Sounds more and more like he played you. That's really all there is to it. Peace!

First, your are confusing bf for boy friend and not best friend. Yes in some ways he played me. I don't expect him to love me the same as he loves his wife. This wasn't about the lost of a sexual relationship but of a friendship. Sex was a part of it at one time, yes, but I would rather have my best friend (bf) back than the memories of my best friend.