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Dying Alone

icefan

icefan

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Not sure if this is even a question, but it's something that I've been bottling up for a long time so I wanted to share how I've been feeling. I usually don't open up, especially not online, but this is about as honest as I'll ever be: I sometimes think about, and am afraid I'll die alone. It sometimes seems like everyone else can find and get into and out of relationships before I can even find anyone interested in me to want a relationship. I mean a real relationship, based on feelings and wanting to be around each other and wanting to call the person up all the time just to hear his voice. Sometimes I think I'm living in the wrong state. The area that I live in is in the southwest and it seems that everyone wants to only date the status quo, not someone like me who is different and looks different from the majority of the people here. Even so, if it was in the cards for me to have relationships, I'm sure it would have happened regardless of the situation...I don't even know if I have a question, I guess just seeing if anyone else has dealt with this feeling and ever feels the same because sometimes I think it's just me? :(
 
I used to feel that way, but at age 40 I met a great guy & we're living happily ever after! Don't despair, date more. Maybe you should think about why you "usually don't open up, especially online" ... that could be a major impediment to starting off on a relationship.
 
I used to feel that way when I was younger. I wanted to find that one person, be totally committed, and experience intense love. It seemed that all my friends were dating non-stop and hopping in and out of bed with just about anyone. I couldn't be that way so I made my own path. It took me a long time until I met that special someone. It wasn't in a smokey bar or online but while playing volleyball on the beach. Our relationship took time in developing but I found out that there was someone else out there that had the same feelings that I did. We were together a wonderful 8 years until my company transferred me to another city. We tried the long distance thing for a while, but our relationship was built on living as a couple. After months and months of anguish, we decided to separate. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life but it was the right decision. My ex and I are still very close and I will always love him.

So I'm back in the relationship seeking scene. I know that there are other quality guys out there that share my ideals; commitment to family, honesty and integrity, and humility. I can't wait to find that someone special again. I know it can happen.

Keep hanging in there. Don't compromise your ideals. I can guarantee one thing, you are not alone. Good Luck.
 
I think it's VERY hard for gay men who want something more than casual sex out of relationships. Having values and ideals concerning relationships in the gay community will almost always assure you will be alone for long periods of time... however, when you DO enter a relationship yours has the greatest chance of being something meaningful.

Unfortunately, having values as a gay person and being disillusioned go hand in hand... because our community doesn't give a damn for much but sex, fashion and parties... JUB as a whole tends to prove my point.
 
icefan, I think there are quite a few of us who are seeking that kind of relationship. I once worried that I was going to grow old and die alone, but that was when I was closeted. I'm not looking for random hook-ups or casual sex and I refuse to do it because everyone else just happens to be doing it. However, would I preclude being with a guy who has slept around? No. If that guy loves me, and I love him, why do I care who he's slept with?

I'm not currently in a relationship, but I'm not actively seeking one either. I'm making gay friends, despite a tremendous lack of time and I'm enjoying my out-of-the-closet life in the city that I've been longing to come back to. So, just hang in there, I'm sure you'll find someone. Just remember who you are and what you believe. No man is worth changing yourself to fit his expectations.
 
Yeah I agree with a lot of people's post, I feel that way, and I don't really care if I die alone, as long as I lived the life I wanted to live that that's good enough for me. If I was with someone, partnered in a relationship with and I was the first to die, I'd be more concerned about his well being, him losing me will tear him apart.

Its a win or lose situation. You'll die with him by your side but then he'll be alone and be the one dying alone or the other way around. Its a hard decision.
 
I'm in a similar place. When I go out with the expressed desire to meet Mr. Right I end up driving home alone. However, the nights I just want to meet people to make friends as I adapt to finally living the life i want, I always enjoy myself. Doenst always work that way, however, I'll never find the one if I dont meet as many people as possible that come my way.

Good luck,
Cesco:wave:
 
Yeah, I think about it. Not as much anymore now that I'm more out actually. But it still crosses my mind every once in a while. But for right now, I'm happy with most of my life. There are some things I plan to change in the future when it is more pheasible, but whatever. And I know people say you find a relationship when you're not looking... but I haven't been looking for a long time and still haven't stubbled upon one. But it doesn't bothere me... at least not today.

And Oden_grey, I'm sorry you feel this way. Not sure where you're hanging out on JUB but my experience has been quite the opposite on here and has given me more faith in the gay community's ability to not just want sex all of the time. And in real life, it is hit and miss, but the more I see, the less it seems to be all about image. It still is in large part, but there is also a large part that is not that way.
 
Thanks all you guys, I have been grappling with similar issues for a long time now. Im not out of the closet yet, but I dont think thats going to make any difference in the way I see myself. Thats the main reason why I am at home on a saturday night spending time on JUB.
 
Thanks guys for sharing your perspectives. Reading all of your posts have helped me to at realize that I'm not the only one that wants the same thing and that I'm not the only one who goes through this. It does get really depressing driving home all the time, and I'm not just speaking about the gay clubs, but also home from get-togethers, casual outings, etc..I'm a big homebody, I sometimes feel like there's no great reason for me to go out, but I've been making myself go out more often (read: twice in the past month) just because I know I'll definitely not meet anyone sitting at home...perhaps I should try some "regular" clubs- maybe a movie, sports, or dinner club or something...glad I'm not the only one, thank you for everyone's perspectives!
 
Hey Icefan and others,

a lot of stuff here is reminding me of my situation.
I am 30 years now, living in the gay capital of Germany with loads of bars and probably one of the most tolerant non-gay-citizens in all Europe, have been moving here to find my love, now it's 6 years I live here and still I'm both, lonely and virgin.
I always wanted to find someone to share feelings with and not just to share a quick "fun" thing with that probably wouldn't be so much of fun for me.
I didn't meet any people at university who I would share interests with, the (straight) ones I got to know were all quite boring.
I also tried out to meet some gays groups for talking, politics and having fun (nonsex) together, but still... I didn't feel fine there. I'm also quite shy and prefer to stay at home if I have the choice, especially now that it's winter.
Don't get me wrong, I love to hang out with close friends (I have them in other towns) and drinking and partying with the ones I trust a lot.
But do I go out alone here (cos the ones I asked to accompany me couldn't be bothered)? No, only when I feel extremely good.

And the older I get, the more worried I get. I have to say that I like guys to be younger than me, at least 5 years, but don't completely exclude equally or little older ones. But it's more that my heart beats stronger for younger ones, and my dick has no right to decide about love.
But then there's this scenario in my mind. I probably might meet a sweet young guy around 23, who is most probably way more experienced in life and love (I am still in university which is not exactly unnormal in Germany when you're 30, but I never worked yet nor had sex yet, so....).
So usually people would think that the older one has more experience in general, but in my case I feel just like every partner would look down on me and not take me serious. That imagination doesn't really give me motivation to go out either.

So I am sitting here instead and look at all those nice pictures of young guys, imagine to be with them, sometimes go to bed with one of them on my mind, wake up and drop him just to select the next guys from JUB Eye Candy and so on.......

I think a lot of my situation has to do with the way I was raised (you know.. sex is bad and so on...). But still.... I just don't get to know people, and living in such a big city with a million people is a minus for that I'd say.
And this not just about meeting guys for love, but also about meeting just mates. In 2006, there were around 10 days where I had real-life-contact with my friends who live in other towns each.
My best friend and me are on the phone at least once every week and I have internet contact to other great real-life-friends.... but physically I am still very lonely.

Oh well..... written a lot, don't know what to do. And while love and sex is one of the most stuff I read/hear about in the internet, in music or in movies, it becomes more and more a science-fiction utopic scenario concerning my person and my real life. Love.. what's that? "I love you"... how does it feel to get to hear these words? Sex.... how does it feel?
It's all lightyears away from me it feels, and soon I turn 31.
I guess a guy would have to be very understanding and patient with me. :cry:
 
cesco said:
I'm in a similar place. When I go out with the expressed desire to meet Mr. Right I end up driving home alone. However, the nights I just want to meet people to make friends as I adapt to finally living the life i want, I always enjoy myself. Doenst always work that way, however, I'll never find the one if I dont meet as many people as possible that come my way.

Good luck,
Cesco:wave:
Click to expand...

At 57 I am older than most people here and my experience has been as expressed by Cesco. Every relationship I've had over the years has risen from those situations where I was just being myself with friends. I also found that I became more attractive as I matured. Certainly when I look at pictures of myself as a young man I know that isn't literally true but I think what has made me more attractive is simply the self-confidence that generally continues to increase as we get older. My partner and I have been together 9 years but I have no doubt that if something happened to end the relationship both of us would be actively dating in a short time. I know several men who would be with either one of us (or both) even though we are partnered, but we don't believe in open relationships.

I also understand now that part of my problem as a young man was that I was my harshest critic. I was convinced that I was unattractive and that attitude is, by itself, unattractive. I wish I realized back then how attractive I actually was. Icefan, I think you are beautiful and if I were 25-30 years younger and single I'd be very happy to date you.
 
Nice post CutenorthernerCALGARY! Very true about body language. Mine is normally pretty open and I totally pick out the ones you described. Those with closed mannerisms make it hard to approach... and I'm pretty outgoing. But they just look like they don't want to talk to you. So I don't talk to them.
 
hmmm, and this straight standing with chest out and hands outside pockets... I tried it.... I can't do it... I don't come over naturally like this I guess... and I feel unwell with it somehow. It feels so wrong, so "acting". I'm quite a ruin inside of my soul, and it's very tough to hide this.
So I stand there like "here I am - talk to me" and after 5 minutes the fassade would crumble and I'd carry myself home again and try again months later.

Hm. Now it's winter and cosy evenings with beer and internet at home are even more tempting :S
 
I'm actually not afraid to die alone, since I entertain myself pretty well anyway.

But I get what you mean. I guess you should take everyone's good advice and juts join some gay groups or activities. Thef irst step is always just making friends and they can be great even if they're never going anywhere romantically. Friends kicka ss.

And if it just so happens that one of them is into you and you feel the same way, then you might have something really special.

And above all, joining these things gets you involved in the community so finding someone won't be so impossible.
 
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