Eddielee - Archived Blog Posts

[eddielee]

I left JUB a month ago because some things were upsetting me and I needed a break. My mood is a little better, but emotionally, I'm very fragile. What the hell was I thinking coming back to JUB so soon? Maybe I'm not ready. Maybe I'll never be ready. For now, I'll take things slow and see what happens.

 

[eddielee]

I thought I'd spend a little time on JUB tonight. That might be a bad idea, but I never follow my own advice. JUB's not the same to me. I don't feel connected or part of the group. I'm an outsider again. I was very upset when I left JUB in June. Coming back has opened up old wounds. I'm debating whether or not it is better for me to stay or leave for good.

I'm very concerned about the current conflict in the Middle East. Israel has rocked the boat and a lot of people are going to have to pay. I don't know what justification they had for attacking Palestine and Lebanon. Israel claims it's because they were holding a few troops hostage. That's a poor excuse for starting a war. Either Israel has lost it's mind, or there is more to this story.
Look for gas prices to soar higher than ever. I hope the United States doesn't become militarily involved in this crises. I fear that Syria and Iraq will soon be involved in this conflict.

 

[eddielee]

I was on the computer and heard the faint mewing of little Kitten. There's no way that Kittens could be in my house. I got up, looked around, and found that the sound was coming out of the central air conditioning. It seems that a Mother Cat has chosen to keep her Kittens under my house. I'll let them stay. I attract Cats like a magnet.

 

[eddielee]

If your self esteem is based on what other people think of you, you're in trouble. It's impossible to live up to the expectations of other people. It's best to get your self esteem from a higher spiritual source. I choose to establish my self esteem in God because he knows the "real" me.

Things are getting worse between Israel and Lebanon. Israel has a stronger military force than Lebanon and could easily win this fight. The thing is, there are Countries willing to come to Lebanon's aid and that's bad news for Israel. Why didn't Israel think about the consequences before they started bombing Lebanon. Syria and Iran seem ready to intervene on Lebanon's behalf. I pray that the fighting will stop before it explodes into a bloody war.

 

[eddielee]

...I'm taking my Mother to the Doctor this morning to have her mammogram. It's always a tense time since she did have breast cancer in the past. So far, all of her mammograms have come back negative. She is especially worried since her sister died of cancer in June. I hope the test will show that everything's fine.

 

[eddielee]

My Mother's mammogram turned out fine. No sign of cancer.

 

[eddielee]

I have to let out my anger or explode. I'm still upset about what happened to me on JUB. I realize I'm not one of the "popular" members, but even the least popular members get better treatment. I should just let it go, but I'm not ready to forgive. Every time I try to forgive and forget, something pops up on the board that reminds me why I'm so angry. This ranting is therapy for me and I'm going to do it until I get it out of my system.

Now, to another subject; Stem cell research. President Bush is ready to veto a bill that will allow stem cell research. The bill is expected to pass. Mr. President, we need this research. The embryos are going to be thrown out anyway. Why not use them? I don't understand the President's logic. He's sucking up to radical Christians and they rarely use common sense.

 

[eddielee]

I can't believe my mood has leveled off. I wonder how long it will last? I wish I could feel like this all the time. I need to get my ass to the Doctor and find out why I've had a fever for the past 3 weeks.

 

[eddielee]

I'm through wishing anyone else a "Happy Birthday". Who wished me a "Happy Birthday" when it was my Birthday? Not a damn soul. To make matters worse my favorite Aunt had just died and I had to go to the funeral that night.

 

[eddielee]

It's as hot as a Fresh frigged Nanny Goat in my house. The AC is at full blast. The air's so humid it's like a sauna. No way I'm getting any quality sleep tonight. I'll stay up on JUB, watch TV, or read.

 

[eddielee]

The only thing that keeps me from going over the edge is the few encouraging comments I get.

 

[eddielee]

Why is it, when I'm depressed, I can't remember the good things people have done for me? I can remember every time people have hurt me, every harsh and unkind word. Somehow, the kind acts and soothing words I've received fade into the distance. When I put my blessings on one side of the scale, and my pain on the other, the scale always tips on the side of my blessings. Why can't my mind process this?

 

[eddielee]

Perhaps, maybe another break, maybe permanent. Will give it some thought.

 

[eddielee]

I can't believe I've passed 2,000 posts. It's obvious that nobody but me gives a damn. I'll give myself a pat on the back.

 

[eddielee]

It's raining this morning like a cow pissing on a rock. Heavy rain has been pouring down the last half hour. A small lake is forming in my front yard. At least there's no hail and wind. (knock on wood)

 

[eddielee]

I just checked my temperature. 102.3. My sinuses are driving me crazy. I can no longer neglect the fact that I'm sick and need to see the doctor. Fudge! More antibiotics and I'm getting sick of them.

 

[eddielee]

I like JUB. Sometimes I feel like I'm being treated like the bastard at a family reunion. That's simply not true. It's part of being bipolar. My reason becomes blurred. I have to keep my chin up until my brain chemicals level off. I don't like being depressed. I crash into a world of self loathing. Before I started taking medication, I would cut myself to relieve the emotional pain I was feeling. I know that I put a terrible strain on other JUB members.

But the good news is my brain chemicals become level. The depression melts away. I'm a different person, optimistic and full of life. Sometimes I get a little manic, but that only makes me more fun. I go back and read my old "depressed" posts and I don't even know who that person is. Mental disorders are often misunderstood. I'm glad that there are people that understand me and are patient with me. I am very grateful.

 

[eddielee]

Today will make 3 weeks having a fever every day. I can't figure out where it might be coming from. It could be a sinus infection. My temp. is 100.2F as I write this. I hate to go to the doctor again. I'm hoping my body will throw off the infection naturally.

There's a heat advisory today. It's already hot, hot, hot!
The heat and humidity is enough to make you stifle. Well, it should be good for the cotton crop.

 

[eddielee]

I may need to back off JUB for a while. Things are better, but I'm still a little angry. Just when I think I'm over it, I see something that raises my blood pressure. I'm working hard to get past these feelings, but it's not easy for a person like me. I'll discipline myself to stay around as much as possible.

Still got the fever. Temp has gone down to 99.8F. My sinuses are stopped up and hurting. I'm trying to go easy on the Tylenol and use my prescription pain pills. If my temp. keeps going down I won't need to see the doctor.

Big thunderstorms knocked out the power today and caused hail and wind damage. I got power back after a few hours. It was an exciting storm and no damage at my house.

 

[eddielee]

I'm in good spirits right now. If only it would last. I'll say and prayer and cross my fingers. I'm actually starting to enjoy things again. I'm a little worried. There is always a huge crash after an emotional high. For now, I'll keep riding the top of this wave.