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Emotionally Detached

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DracoBlack

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I don't know if this is the right section to put this in, but I guess I'll put it here. I can't seem to build emotinal relationships with anyone. Ever since I was about 15, I've been emotinally detached from everything. I have no idea what happened, but I've been taking care of myself ever since I was 10. I live with my grandparents, and I think some how my emotinal problems come from my grandma.

I think my emotional problems came from my grandma because she's not a very affectionate woman. She never gave me hugs, kisses, or compliments. I show emotions, but I just can't sympathize or empathize with people. I have problems with giving compliments and I have to force myself to say "I love you" to my parents or anyone else, and most of the time I'll mumble it.

I have 4 brothers - 1 on my dad's side - and a sister who are all younger and that I don't really speak to. For some reason I just can't stand them. My youngest brother who is 9 is the one I just don't care about, same goes for my 17 year old brother. My youngest brother is obviously gay (I know this because I've caught messing around with other boys) and my grandma denies it or says "so what," but if I told her that I'm gay she wouldn't speak to me until the day I left. My 17 year old brother has a new born child (who he thinks no one knows about except my grandma) and dropped out of school. My grandma doesn't see anything wrong with this, but if I had a baby and missed one day of school she'd bitch at me forever. I stopped speaking/liking my 17 year old brother when I was 11.

When I was living with my dad, he would sometimes beat me. There was a time when he ripped (yes, ripped) my ear open because I had my feet on the couch. One time he hit me in my lower back with a pot extremely hard because I didn't wash the dishes. I barely ever cried and the abuse went on from the time I was 7 up until I was 10. He let me stay with my mom for a summer and I told her about it, so she kept me with her.

I haven't seen my dad for 9 years, but we talk a lot over the phone. Some may think the abuse from my dad caused these emotional problems, but I just don't think so. I can't even give my friends advice when they have problems.

Can you guys help me?
 
I think the problem is definitely caused by what you went through with your dad. I went through similar with my father, though a lot of his physical abuse was really more emotional---he never hurt me physically as bad as you described your dad hurting you...he hit to scare. But I can definitely relate to what you're going through and from an outside perspective, it's obvious what has happened.

You were betrayed by one of the two people who are supposed to protect you the most in this world. Your father is supposed to be the one who takes care of you, the child, and makes sure you are safe from everything else in the world. To have your sense of safety and security shattered at such a young age can be very rough (especially emotionally) and sometimes you just shut down. It's easier to shut down emotionally than to keep feeling the heartache because your parent not only doesn't act like they love you, but are actually causing you harm.

I'm sure it is made much worse by the fact that you're still in contact with him. I recently had to stop speaking with my father because I realized keeping him in my life was like picking at a scab and not letting it heal. The stuff with your grandmother sound like it doesn't help, but I can't imagine it's the main root.

Ultimately, this sounds like something that you need to deal with ASAP. I think seeing a therapist, if you have insurance or can afford one is your best bet. If not, maybe you can find a free support group...something for grown children of abusive parents. No matter what happens, you need to try to get help...if for no other reason than to help yourself feel something again.
 
I definitely do think your family has contributed to your emotional problems. It sounds like you haven't really ever had much support from anyone who should have been providing you with some love and care. One really good thing is that you seem to be very aware of what is missing from your makeup and trying to get some help. I think this is great because you're still young enough to change some family patterns that you've probably developed.

I don't think there's much I can say in one response that will make much of a difference to your life, except to say that you can change the way you relate to people. You may need to seek some professional help. Are there any community organisations/services that offer free counselling in your area? Check in the front of your local telephone directory; there may be some contact networks listed there. Don't stop here. Now is a great time to try and do something about your problem. Best of luck. Let us know how you go.
 
Thanks guys. I avoided my dad up until 2005. Once we started talking again, evrything seemed fine. We still talk, but the last time we've spoken was about 5 months ago. I still love my dad and I trust him now, but I just don't understand what would cause him to be so abusive towards me. I was always quiet and respectful when I lived with him, but I do think he favored my brother more - he's 12 now, but I haven't seen him in awhile.

I'm in this emotional support program at my school and I've been in it since I've started high school. I never once talked about this with the mental health worker in the program, but I will soon.
 
When you are a child in an abusive and dysfunctional family, you can blame your family dynamics for your issues.

But being an adult means that you have to take responsibility for your issues and do something about them.


DracoBlack said:
I'm in this emotional support program at my school and I've been in it since I've started high school. I never once talked about this with the mental health worker in the program, but I will soon.
Click to expand...

The reason that you feel so detached is because you've built a wall around all of your emotions to survive the dysfunctional situation that you grew up in. The only way to remove that feeling of detachment is to get rid of that wall and start trusting people- and yourself- enough to be honest about what you're feeling.

Talking with the mental health worker is a good way to start that process of honesty and trust building.
 
Absolutely make a date with a good, sympathetic and qualified therapist. You can't get the type of help you need on this board, but writing about it and asking for help is an excellent first step.

A regular series of meetings with a psychotherapist should be able to help you unlock the anger and emotional hurt you've suffered at the hands of your family.

Don't give up on this.
 
I can directly relate to the situation you are feeling. When we are in a "dysfuntional family" we put up barriers to protect ourselves from the emotional abuse. The problem is, when we "grow up" and become adults, the walls are still there and are heavily reinforced. It becomes extremely difficult to break down those walls and feel any emotion; almost like we are dead inside.

I actually had this VERY conversation with my best friend two fridays ago. I know I am one of the coldest, most unsympathetic people you will ever meet. I treat most people like shit. I don't deny it. Even though I don't treat them 'nicely' does not mean I don't care about them. I do feel bad about it. I have been in therapy for 5+ years and discussed the situation above ad nausem. NO amount of therapy can fix the situation. Since you can't really change your family (trust me I've tried), the only other way to break down those barriers put up is to distance yourself from them. It may not sound like an "ideal" situation but as long as you keep in contact with your family, those problems will keep resurfacing and reinforcing those emotional barriers.

One of my favorite quotes is; "the ones that are the hardest to love, are the ones that need it the most." I hope you keep that quote in mind. It has helped me a lot in becoming a bit more compassionate towards others.
 
Thanks Maxpower. (*8*) I've been distancing myself from my family ever since I was 13. They'll sometimes ask me how my day was, but nothing more. All of the attention goes to my siblings. I don't mind not having any attention because I've always stayed to myself.

I just get so frustrated because I can't emotionally identify with people... It's just not in me to feel things for people. Sometimes I even accidentally hurt my friends' feelings. I wonder what'll happen when I have a boyfriend... It's like being a damn robot.

Thanks again, Maxpower. I'll definitely remember that quote.
 
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