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Emotionally Immature at 25.

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Okay, I'm not sure how to put this.

I'm 25, I've been out since 2010, and I've only had 2 boyfriends (4 months and 2 months each). For some reason, my not having had a serious, multi-year relationship at my age is a big deal to me. I kinda feel like a total failure.

This affects me in many ways. I'm emotionally insecure. I cannot seem to carry dating, let alone a relationship. Whenever I'm *getting to know a guy*, I seem to get attached to him fairly early, I can't keep the relationship healthy in the sense that as soon as the other shows me some little love (ie texting, being sweet etc), I melt immediately, and reciprocate and expect the same things I've received so far.

As a result, I get very insecure if he's not consistent with his attitude, I don't know whether to share my insecurities with my partner OR to act cool as if nothing happened. Therefore I develop this fake persona, where I'm pretending to act "the way I am supposed to" and I think I somehow bore people away.

In a nutshell: I'm in love with love, but I'm afraid of being alone forever, that I'll never be loved for who I am. I see that as the years go by, I come with a baggage. And I just know that noone will be interested in carrying it.

I know that the easiest way would be to start therapy, but I don't have the money. So, I was wondering if you guys had any advice to help me out with my odd situation.
 
Your situation isn't odd... Everyone would like to be loved.

But you can't force it and make it happen if it's not there, or make it happen any faster.

Relationships don't give you status or make you a better person. Trying to hold on to a relationship that doesn't work doesn't help you either. Unfortunately most people have to date a LOT of people to find that one with mutual attraction from both sides (excluding all the 'you like him, he doesn't like you', and vise versa's).

Finding that one guy is a huge trial and error effort.

Also I might add, relationships are a LOT of work!!!! Don't fantasize that it's some wonderland where you're going to be farting unicorns and glitter after you find Mr. Right. He may not show you he loves you the same way. You have to accept each other for whom you are - AS IS (there is a grey area here of things NOT to accept).

I know it doesn't feel like it, but you're YOUNG. You've still got plenty of time to find that Mr. Right out there.

Relax, and get comfortable with yourself before expecting someone else to get comfortable with you. ;)
 
I'm in a similar situation - came out 2010, but I was 25 THEN. Had two failed short relationships, and then I found something more, and it's been going since.

Big revelation of the year - you are gay. The world is a bitch to us and heteronormative age-factors do not apply to us. I live in Chicago and if you open Grindr here, most of the single guys are in their mid-to-late 20s. It's perfectly normal not to have a serious relationship at 25, and to be perfectly honest, you couldn't have started with the multi-year relationships much earlier anyway, as people under a certain age simply don't have the maturity and experience to sustain one most of the time (generalization alert!).

As for getting desperate to hold on to a thing and make it big and important overnight... just don't :p Keep it natural, don't think that the world will end if you don't get married next weekend, and you'll be surprised how much more successful you'll get.
 
May I recommend something - go ahead and Google "Attachment Styles" and find out what your attachment style is. I studied Psychology in college (only as a minor) but my BFF is a Psych major and I was dealing with a SIMILAR situation. The way I adapted my behavior and changed is by learning my attachment style (when you do your google search, hopefully you'll stumble upon about.com's "attachment style" personality test). Knowing my own attachment style made me realize the pitfalls in my behavior and how others with similar or different attachment styles react.
The truth is, you cannot change other peoples behaviors, but you can change your own. By being aware of my attachment style (i'm an insecure attached person), I was able to figure out that the person I am interested in is avoidant - meaning that just feeling a little bit too closed in makes this person turn away - and to realize that when he does this, he is not doing it out of spite, but because that is just how he is - and the only way I can keep flirting and trying to date him is to ACCEPT him.
In other words, find out about YOURSELF and then worry about others - you are normal as you are.

As far as voicing your insecurities - well I don't know if you should do that on a date...if you've been with a guy for a few months and you start noticing problems arising, that is a time to have a sit down conversation and say, "I feel this way because I am a.) b.) and c.)..."

Good luck, my friend

-Josh
25, California.
 
I have the feeling that second guessing has cost a lot of relationships. I think it's best to be open and honest and let the chips fall where they may.

To me, the most telling phrase in your post is "being in love with love." I'm not saying this applies to you, but there is such a thing as love addiction. Even if you slightly lean that way it would be wise to do something about it. Check out the self-help section at a local bookstore and see if you have any love addiction characteristics.
 
Thanks guys.

My attachment style turns out to be "Insecure / Anxious" (big surprise there), but it doesn't say what style I'm attracted to.

As far as the Love Addiction goes, I checked and all the symptoms match what I feel. The more I go the more I feel like I need professional help, I can't deal with this on my own. The only problem is that I'm stuck at my parents' for the summer, I have no chance to seek help until 9/7. In the meantime, I spend the whole day feeling sorry for myself, I can't even gather the strenght to write my resume and I've also developed this unbelievable attachment to this guy who (shockingly) is increasingly less interested in me. :(
 
That's cool. I'm not even from the States, but I found that SLAA has a branch where I live too (Rome). I'll go and check it out when I get back there. Thanks for letting me know about this. I'm tired of letting love make me feel alive.
 
I hope you find some relief. I love your country. Been there many times. Keep us posted. :)
 
I know i'm late to this thread but I just wanted to say that I feel like this is a really common problem for gay men. I think it might have to do with being closeted as an adolescent as many of us probably were. In a lot of cases, because we wait longer to establish real relationships there is a tendency to really crave that attachment that we haven't been experiencing. There is, I think, also a tendency to mythologize ideas of love and romance. For those of us who spent our teens and maybe even early twenties thinking a great deal about what it would be like to be "in love" i think there's a real propensity for over inflated expectations. These kind of big-time crushes aren't that unusual when you're 15, the fact that we're going through them as adults is what makes it hard. It's a sort of delayed right of passage and it's annoying.

For my own part I've had to work hard to not overdo it in a new relationship. I tend to read A LOT into flirtation or any expression of mild interest so I need to regulate myself. I found myself becoming totally despondent when a guy i had been casually flirting with at a show turned out to be straight. Obviously that's an an embarrassing gaydar fail but the worst part for me was that I had seriously over invested in what amounted to a handful of flirty quips. It's important to maintain perspective. There's a natural impulse to want to be really "in the moment" but for me that's usually a big mistake.
 
You know, you have a point. I definitely missed out on a lot of things during my teenage years, and now I'm acting as a 15-year-old (actually I have for a few years now).

My question is: suppose you are a teenager and you have a crush. You let it play out. Then you are supposed to grow up and improve yourself into adulthood. People like us, on the other hand. What's gonna take for us to grow out of these patterns? I'm on the path to find out...
 
Trial and error. No one goes into a relationship knowing exactly what to do. Relationships take practice, and hopefully learning from your mistakes.

You at least can see what you're doing wrong. Most people cannot, and won't accept (some) fault when a relationship doesn't work out. If you can see the problem, you can work on it - If you're willing.
 
borg69unimatrix said:
Trial and error. No one goes into a relationship knowing exactly what to do. Relationships take practice, and hopefully learning from your mistakes.

You at least can see what you're doing wrong. Most people cannot, and won't accept (some) fault when a relationship doesn't work out. If you can see the problem, you can work on it - If you're willing.
Click to expand...

Yeah, let's just say that when I'm *in the moment* I never know what to do, because I'm always worried I'm doing something wrong. With this guy, for instance, I fell into the worn-out traps of:

- having expectations
- idealizing him as this sweet gentle guy.
- falling for someone younger than me, who mirrors the guy that I'd love to have been when I was his age (19)!
- victimized me (as in: "I drove to your town to see you, but I see you won't do the same thing for me... Are you using me?").
- victimized me #2 (as in complaining about my family to look like an antihero in his eyes)
- gave up on my identity (accepting things that don't interest me really, just for the sake of spending time with him. But to my credit, I used to do this more often in the past)

The point is that I don't know how to break these patterns. There are two parts of me - one which is obsessive and in need of attention, and another one that sees my being needy very clearly. Basically I never know which one of the two parts is speaking. (I know it sounds creepy)

Ok, sorry for the rant guys :)
 
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