End Of A Friendship

[moonrabbit]

I posted this in a community and decided to copy and paste it here also because I need opinions on this.


"Something happened today. I wrote my friend Brad and received a reply. In his message, he was a little rude. When I wrote him back, I mentioned this and how I thought he could've worded his sentence differently. I get another message from him saying he will no longer be exchanging emails with me because he becomes frustrated by stimulated conversions. What the hell is that suppose to mean? Brad ended his message with the "Have a good life." bullshit. So basically, I lost a friend today and I don't completely understand why. Not only am I sad, I'm also confused, pissed off, and full of hatred right now. He was a very important person in my life and out of the blue, he does this to me. After rereading his email, I sense that something was wrong. Even if I'm right, there's no excuse for the way he treated me. I deal with pain too. But I don't use that as an excuse to hurt others. I'm not sure what to do at this point. I definitely do not want to write him and ask what's going on. I thought I'd get advice. Although, I think I should just move on and pretend he never existed."

 

[Chalchalero]

I posted this in a community and decided to copy and paste it here also because I need opinions on this.


"Something happened today. I wrote my friend Brad and received a reply. In his message, he was a little rude. When I wrote him back, I mentioned this and how I thought he could've worded his sentence differently. I get another message from him saying he will no longer be exchanging emails with me because he becomes frustrated by stimulated conversions. What the hell is that suppose to mean? Brad ended his message with the "Have a good life." bullshit. So basically, I lost a friend today and I don't completely understand why. Not only am I sad, I'm also confused, pissed off, and full of hatred right now. He was a very important person in my life and out of the blue, he does this to me. After rereading his email, I sense that something was wrong. Even if I'm right, there's no excuse for the way he treated me. I deal with pain too. But I don't use that as an excuse to hurt others. I'm not sure what to do at this point. I definitely do not want to write him and ask what's going on. I thought I'd get advice. Although, I think I should just move on and pretend he never existed."

What an awful thing to have happened...

I would wait a few days until you are no longer as upset about it as you are because a conversation with him in the state you are in now will only end badly. Then, if he is as important to you as you say and he still hasn't reached out to you, I would reach out to him. When we really care about someone it is sometimes incumbent upon us to make the first move, even when we know we are in the right. It's just a part of maintaining important relationships and demonstrating maturity.

Just explain to him how that e-mail made you feel and ask him if there is something wrong that he would like to talk about, and take it from there. If he is still not responsive to you, at least you will not spend the next six months wondering if you should not have tried harder. You would have done your part and you will be better able to turn the page and move on.

Just my little 2 cents worth of an opinion...

 

[screwnutty]

There's not much that you can do. You can't pretend that he never existed because he did. He was very important in your life also so that make it even harder to forget him.

So what should you do? Well the same thing happened to me with a friend of 15 years. Long story and I don't feel like getting into it. All I can say is that you respect his wishes and move on. Don't forget him, remember the good times that you guys had. You can't force somebody to like you and you'll go insane trying to figure out what was going on inside of there heads to make them act this way. So just move on...maybe he'll come around and reopen the lines...maybe he won't. Life is too short to worry over crap like this. Just move on. I hope this helps.

 

[xnoonealonex1]

I completely understand where you're coming from... I am going through the exact same thing with my best friend... one day he'll talk to me, and the next, he'll just completely ignore me, i've had many fights with him over the past 6 months, and just have learned that he's an asshole, but he is a friend... so give him some time... and then when you've calmed down, and you're sure that he's calmed down... then talk... lord knows how many times i've said something to him that i regret when i was upset, and it only made things worse, so now i just let it go... its almost like he's PMSing... only worse than when it happens to a girl...

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Dude,

Give it a couple of days to cool off.

Look into your E-mails and read your messages all over again. He was reacting as if you were really getting on his case. He might have been right or wrong. But you want to start by going quickly thru it and making sure that you did not mess it up royally.

If he was just being an ass, meet up and tell him that and tell him that we are all asses sometimes. The same applies, if you screwed it all up in the first place.

My point here: Always start looking for the problem and its solution within yourself. Do not stop there. But always start there. Never exclude yourself. 'I can never be wrong' is the worst attitude there is.

SC

 

[GrayFox]

Damn, the same thing just happened to me. Almost identical.

 

[Kulindahr]

I got dropped abruptly like that by about every friend I had, when I came out. I still don't know what was in their heads, it still hurts, but what can a guy do but move on?

 

[G-Lexington]

Quite often, when this sort of thing happens, it's not because of anything you did. Rather he might just be going through his own personal hell right now, and some of it spilled onto you. This may not be "right", but it happens.

Were I you, I would stop contacting him. Don't close the door on him, though. He He may contact you again when his life has settled down, and apologize for his behavior. In which case, you should be the bigger man, accept his apology, and resume the friendship. If he doesn't contact you again...well, you'll know how much he valued your friendship, so it's not worth trying to salvage.

Lex

 

[slobone]

Same thing happened with me and my ex-lover and best friend of many years. Only it was me that said "have a nice life". In fact I said some pretty horrible things that were also unfair.

He told me it was up to me to resume contact, and so far I haven't wanted to. I think subconsciously I was looking for a way to give him an excuse not to be so involved in my life.

We could probably both benefit from a break. Sooner or later I'll get in touch again, but I wonder if things will ever be the way they were before.

 

[moonrabbit]

I would've responded sooner, but I decided to stay away from JUB yesterday. I needed sometime to myself. I'm still dealing with the sting of what happened. I wrote Brad to ask if I did something wrong. He hasn't written me back, so fuck him. I don't need someone like him in my life if that's the way he's going to be. I really cared about Brad. And to have someone I considered special tell me he will no longer be talking to me and give no straight answer as to why, just feels like a stab to the heart. After rereading his email, I discovered hints that he is very upset because he recently did a porn movie with expectations of becoming popular. Unfortunately for him, the attention he got was close to nonexistent. Just because no one cared that he jerked off in front of a camera is no reason to take it out on me. I really have a low opinion of him right now. I may not be able to forget he ever existed, but I'm sure as hell gonna try.

 

[RicanDAB]

Although, I think I should just move on and pretend he never existed."

I may not be able to forget he ever existed, but I'm sure as hell gonna try.

moonrabbit,

I have experienced the same thing in my own life twice (one with a friendship of 16 years and he did me wrong so I cut him off and in the other friendship I was cut off). You're not the first to go through this and will not be the last. This will pass and you will find happiness again!

You don't need people like that in your life and the best thing to do is not pretend that they never existed, but think of them as dead. I know that sounds sadistic and cruel, but if that other person has cut you off - why do you have to be the victim? Cut them off too. Get away from as much negativity as possible. I don't like the feeling of trying to find out why someone is not speaking to me because I am only building up more anger and emotional toll on myself.

I like to have the last word in these situations (that's just me!) so what I do (and have done) is send a card (no return address) expressing sorrow for their death and that I will always remember the happy times. Again, this is how I handle it, and it works for me - perhaps not for you. I really don't care whether they read the card or rip it up unopened but it is closure for me, and if I do get some sort of response by mail or a phone call I ignore it because to me they are dead ... done. It's almost like boomeranging the confusion they threw at me first.

You are better off redirecting your energy finding friends that will love you and want to be your friend than trying to salvage one that will only feed frustration and confusion in your life.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I may not be able to forget he ever existed, but I'm sure as hell gonna try.

I'll respectfully disagree with Rican on this one. To a point, anyway. I don't think you need closure - you've gotten closure. He stopped talking to you. You may still have a lot of conflicting emotions, but do your best to simply get beyond them. Don't waste any time hating him for his actions - he doesn't appear to be even worth that. Do your utmost to sort of shrug, say "Well, that was weird" and move on with your life. If anyone asks you about him, try to be as non-emotional as possible. "I don't know what happened. He sort of said, out of the blue, that he didn't want to talk to me anymore. So I'm not talking to him anymore."

Life's too short, and too fun, to waste time on anger if you don't need to.

Lex

 

[Kulindahr]

Given the porn movie failure, he's probably pissed at himself and taking it out on the world. Not many become popular from doing porn, and when they don't, it's easy to feel used, just a piece of meat, really degraded.
Act as though he took off on a trip, left no phone number or other way to contact him, and get on with things. You don't know if he'll be back from that trip, so all you can do is rearrange your life without him. Do what you need to about the pain and hurt, and keep rolling. And if he comes back, well, deal with that if it happens. For now, deal with what you've got. Forget there's any way to contact him; he may have died on that trip, and isn't ever coming back.
Also, be thankful you had him. Some of us have never had anyone special at all, and even in compassion for your pain envy you. So in a way, yeah, act like he's gone and dead -- appreciate and be glad for the good times, but don't hang out at the grave (so to speak).

 

[moonrabbit]

>>>I may not be able to forget he ever existed, but I'm sure as hell gonna try.

I'll respectfully disagree with Rican on this one. To a point, anyway. I don't think you need closure - you've gotten closure. He stopped talking to you. You may still have a lot of conflicting emotions, but do your best to simply get beyond them. Don't waste any time hating him for his actions - he doesn't appear to be even worth that. Do your utmost to sort of shrug, say "Well, that was weird" and move on with your life. If anyone asks you about him, try to be as non-emotional as possible. "I don't know what happened. He sort of said, out of the blue, that he didn't want to talk to me anymore. So I'm not talking to him anymore."

Life's too short, and too fun, to waste time on anger if you don't need to.

Lex

Thanks. Since Monday, I've isolated myself in my room because I was so upset. I haven't even been participating here like I used to. But maybe it's best I start back again. I don't need him. I'll make better friends.

 

[luvthissite]

Simply write him back, let him know that you are sorry if you said or did something that upset him, that you value your friendship, and ask him if you both can move past any misunderstandings and continue what you consider to be a great friendship. he could say no, and if so, that is truly best because you don't want to be chasing after someone who does not want to have anything to do with you. he could say yes, that he will give it another shot and hopefully share with you what upset him or is upsetting him, so that you can both work on your friendship together. don't give up, but if he says no, then move on and find another friend, they are out there.

 

[GrayFox]

I got the same "Have a good life". I was devastated for about three days. I was sick to my stomach. I didn't like anyone very much. Slowly, but surely, he is leaving my head. Hang in there and it will get better.

GrayFox

 

[Eagle653]

After investing time in any friendship, you deserve more respect and a more thorough (and plausible) explanation than that.

Give it a few days and make contact with him personally (not through email). Email is too tricky in emotionally-charged situations because it's too 2-dimensional. You need to see him face to face or at least on the phone.

I suspect you can handle the end of a friendship. What's hard, frustrating, and angering is not knowing why. You deserve that, and I hope you get your answers.

Let us know what happens.

 

[Kulindahr]

Thanks. Since Monday, I've isolated myself in my room because I was so upset. I haven't even been participating here like I used to. But maybe it's best I start back again. I don't need him. I'll make better friends.

If there's a (monotonous) physical activity you like, such as running, swimming, biking, rowing, get out of that room, get in motion and wear yourself out. Stagger home with just enough energy to grab a bite, and crawl into bed. Repeat.

Physical exhaustion can, believe it or not, help unstick the human emotional fixation. It doesn't work for everyone, but it does for many. And if it doesn't, at least you'll be better off than being a hermit. It's also an investment in the future -- my last psychiatrist and my current psych-doc both say that the evidence is strong that people who are fit deal with emotional impacts better.
If I lived there, I'd come drag you and and drag you along... though it's be interesting to see who lasted longer.

Get off your ass and get active.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Was Brad a real life friend or an online one?

 

[rareboy]

Oh mes enfants, it is tough carrying on like 14 year old school girls once you're grown up.

Once again, if what I see is any true indication, the ability of many people to express themselves through text message or email ranges from non-existent to disastrous. For Pete's sake, stop pissing away your lives and carpal tunnels by the endlessly inane chatter that passes for personal interaction.

At least with telephone, you had some idea of mood or intent behind a statement or question....now it is all emo blah blah.

Not only do I think you should move on, I think you should get out of the house and go somewhere where you can actually interact with people. Use email only sparingly, if at all and if you use texting for anything other than sell orders to your broker, just stop it.