End of relationship advice

[halubtsi]

It's been a while since I've posted anything substantial here. Last year was intensely busy for me at school and so much happened to me since having moved back. I grew a lot over the last year, too.

Anyway, I dated a guy for 4 months and things were pretty good. He told me that he loved me, and I fell in love with him after a short period time. After I came to the conclusion that I really was in love with him and wrapped my mind around the idea that I was truly in love, he broke up with me. He told me that over the past 4 months he felt that something was missing and that he really only saw me as a friend. I'm heartbroken and angry when he tells me this...but what else could be done? I fell in love under false pretenses. He actually said to me: "I love you with all my heart." Too bad he didn't mean it.

Anyway, it's been a month and a half since the break-up and I'm still not completely over it. I'm trying to move on, but I'm not quite sure how. I hang out with friends and it helps me forget, but then the memories just resurface. I then find myself either very depressed or absolutely furious.

Right now, I could care less about what happens to my ex...but I know that in 12 hours I'm going to be wishing he was still my boyfriend. And the cycle continues. I'm tired of this emotional roller-coaster ride. I want out. He doesn't deserve my time and he definitely doesn't deserve a guy like me. He's immature and still in a student mindset, though he's no longer a student. What it boils down to is that he doesn't know what he wants. I'm tired of thinking of him and tired of rationalizing the break-up. I want my 4-month relationship to be nothing more than a footnote in my life, rather than the gargantuan chapter it's currently occupying.

Any advice for me? BTW-Exercising more has been a way for me to escape, but one can't spend his whole life in a gym or running. Someone suggested that I start making out and hooking-up with randoms...But that's not an option I really care to explore. Yet another person told me to find a rebound to make me feel good about myself...Again though, why would I want to put someone through the Hell I've been going through just to make myself feel better?

Sorry for the length...I really can't think of anything anymore. I hate feeling like this.

 

[looseliam]

Well, I was in a similar situation this summer. *sigh* Summer love.

Anyhoo, exercise has been working well for me, too. I also drink, but that's not a good solution.

As much as you may not want to get back out there, I think it has helped my quite a bit knowing that someone somewhere still finds me attractive and is willing to sleep with me.

With most crap like this, it'll take time to fade away. Right now it seems huge, but soon it'll be just that footnote for which you're looking.

 

[G-Lexington]

Looks like you've found the first step in getting over him - staying busy. But, as you say, you can't exactly move into the gym. The other step is to stay social. This doesn't necessarily mean "random hook-ups" or "rebound romance" (although some folks swear by them). This ex- left a social void in your life when he left, and it needs to be filled. So make sure you're spending time with people. Hanging out with friends. Going to social events. If you're a little low on friends right now, go out and make new ones - join clubs or groups, meet new people, and work on creating new relationships (platonic and otherwise).

Good luck!

Lex

 

[bluedragon4]

It will be a footnote. I had many under 6 months relationships in my life and can't even recall much about them. I even had a 3 year relationship with someone and it was still a footnote. Give it time. You just need to start getting over him. Throw yourself into something else or someone else. Rebounds are great for forgetting.

 

[spreadeagle]

Look halubtsi,

I think you're doing tremendously well and handling this in about the most mature way you can. What's lacking is a little perspective. While your emotional commitment was intense the relationship itself was not actually very long-lived. Six weeks is far too short a time to expect a complete recovery.

Feelings are not like bungee cords - they don't snap back instantaneously. It's more often a protracted period of brittle extrication and analysis before you;re ready to carry on with your self-esteem intact. But there are things you can do to work the process more effectively:

Avoid seeing him or hanging out in places that have memories or associations for you.

Review the relationship and cherish the positive aspects of it and mourn their passing . Use the negative aspects to reinforce your understanding of why it was impractical for the relationship to continue.

What have you learnt from the experience? What actions did you take in the past that you would do differently next time?

Distract yourself. The gym and running are good but they tend to be solitarty repetitive activities that leave your brain free to obssess over your loss. Try other group activities like team sports, conversation, movies, games that need mental focus.

Avoid alcohol and meaningless sex. I suggest you circle in your calendar the day that is four months after the break-up and focus on that as the time you will be ready to date again.

You realise, don't you? that you're still very young and full of promise and desirability.

 

[idunoo]

aww halubtsi *hugs* I my bf and I broke up also, and haven't got over it yet, You can say I dated him for 1 year and few months, and it's really hard but hang on, just give yourself some more time, try not to think of him, keep your mind busy of something else, go out there and have fun with friends. Do something nice to keep yourself busy. I admit I haven't get over my ex yet but I tried my best and I feel good now, I did volunteer works. You wont believe what I did right after he broke up with me. I went into the backyard and dug up like half of the back yard and grow all kind of vegetables -___-", but i really feel you, i hope you can get better soon *hugs*

 

[confusedboy23]

Staying busy is the key to getting over someone. I'm not sure how long it will take but it sure took many months for me to finally feel "a little better". It's been more than a year for me, but he's still not entirely out of my mind.

I guess we could never forget the love we have shared with someone that means so much to us but why would we want to forget it totally, anyway.

Hookups can take your mind off for a little while but they do not last. Nonetheless, it did take me several months before I had a hookup post-breakup. I don't know the effectiveness of a rebound relationship because I've not had any luck in finding one.

 

[halubtsi]

Thanks everyone. I've been keeping busy since the break-up. I've also met a lot of new people. Life is actually quite good and I'm happy. My only problem is that my mind still gives too much thought to my now defunct relationship. It's not that it pains me that it's over, but rather it's annoying that I'm still thinking about it.

I just want to stop thinking and analysing the relationship. I want to accept it for what it was and move on. I still don't feel ready to date again, but that's because I'd like to get other aspects of my life in order first. To be honest, finding someone I'd be interested in dating will be more of a challenge. My ex wasn't someone I ever actually considered dating in the first place. I just wanted to be friends. Funny how things worked out.

 

[3nipples]

I don't really have any new advice for you but I figured I'd pipe up just the same

This analysing is just a part of who you are and there's nothing wrong with it, annoying as it may be at times... you're a terrific guy... just keep on doing what you're doing and you'll be ok.

 

[Shepherd 2]

Look for interesting distractions.
Stay busy at what gives your life meaning in other areas.
Then when you are ready,
set out for another life adventure.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Shep+

 

[chance1]

I actually think ur handling this great

Ur posting suggests a level head and realization that doing other things, meeting other people - is the trick

it's gonna take u time to get over him - u loved him - he said he loved u - so ur in "mourning" - been there - it goes away - not always quick - but it does

solo activities like the gym are terrific but those with companions r better and r more likely to help u more quickly forget IMO

i trust u will be fine - cuz u already r

be good buddy

chance

 

[Just_Believe18]

You sound like a smart guy, halubtsi. I believe you are on the right track and you are going to get through this. There is no way to instantly stop the pain. Breakups take time to recover from. There's nothing you can do but pass time. And you're doing a great job so far by keeping busy and meeting new people!

One day, you'll wake up and realize you're not angry anymore. Nor hurt.