Ended communication with a friend/crush. Was my action fair?

[Shadowsmithe01]

I had a big crush on this guy (Bi) that didn’t like me the same way. We were friends, I gradually developed feelings, and got the courage to take a chance and see if maybe something beyond a friendship could happen. Unfortunately, it wasn’t mutual and we agreed to still be friends with nothing changing.

However, they got distant and made excuses whenever I wanted to hang out, something I would ask to do once every few weeks. I realized what was going on and they confessed things felt weird and weren’t ready to bring things back to normal, but now wanted to still be friends and chat, wanted to limit things for now. I wasn’t too happy that they lied, but gave the benefit of the doubt. Didn’t talk for a few weeks, then we started talking again. Wanted to do an activity together that we usually do and they said “I don’t have time, and when I do, another friend has me on reserve for it.”

That line was the straw that broke the camel’s back. So I told them that in a friendship, honesty should be the best policy and if I can move on and see other people, why do they still have to dwell and be guarded and afraid that I’d make a move on them again? I then said me trying to put in all the effort is not making me happy, and I’m not going to sacrifice my deserved happiness for someone who never gave two shits about me. I haven’t gotten a response in a couple of days.

 

[Cormac135]

Take the no response as his reply then, move on, there are treasures out there just waiting to be unearthed.

 

[SeaCore]

It doesn't sound quite like your friend lied based on what you said. It sounds like it was true that they wanted to remain friends but it may have taken a moment to process and they realized they needed some more distance for now. Should you have been told that up front? Yeah. But I can also kind of see why someone might feel like they're being cruel for admitting they need distance; it's not an unreasonable thing to admit but there are a lot of people that wouldn't think that.
Why in particular do you think your friend is lying about not having time to do something and that even if they did it's something they already committed to doing with someone else first?

It's not the biggest deal in the world that you cut ties. Whether it was fair or not really doesn't matter. You're feeling frustrated and the relationship is too much work for what you get back out of it so you're bailing. It makes sense to me.
If your question is 'Did I do the right thing?' Then I think the answer is that there's no way to know that yet. Maybe you should've said you need space rather than laying everything out on the table? Maybe letting loose was necessary because your friend needed a kick in the pants if the friendship was going to survive? It probably won't be clear until more time passes and you get a better sense of what having this person in your life meant and if it's better, worse, or a new balance of the two.

Do you think there was a better way you could've resolved this?

 

[Shadowsmithe01]

It doesn't sound quite like your friend lied based on what you said. It sounds like it was true that they wanted to remain friends but it may have taken a moment to process and they realized they needed some more distance for now. Should you have been told that up front? Yeah. But I can also kind of see why someone might feel like they're being cruel for admitting they need distance; it's not an unreasonable thing to admit but there are a lot of people that wouldn't think that.
Why in particular do you think your friend is lying about not having time to do something and that even if they did it's something they already committed to doing with someone else first?

It's not the biggest deal in the world that you cut ties. Whether it was fair or not really doesn't matter. You're feeling frustrated and the relationship is too much work for what you get back out of it so you're bailing. It makes sense to me.
If your question is 'Did I do the right thing?' Then I think the answer is that there's no way to know that yet. Maybe you should've said you need space rather than laying everything out on the table? Maybe letting loose was necessary because your friend needed a kick in the pants if the friendship was going to survive? It probably won't be clear until more time passes and you get a better sense of what having this person in your life meant and if it's better, worse, or a new balance of the two.

Do you think there was a better way you could've resolved this?

I’m honestly not sure if there was a better way. Tried having a talk and he keeps saying he’s a guarded person and he apologized for not telling me sooner. He doesn’t want to give me any wrong ideas if he spends more time with me. I’m not going to force him to hang out with me if he’s not comfortable, it just makes me wish I never asked him out and wonder how things could have been different if I had just tried to move on from him without saying anything to begin with. Part of me thinks if he really cared about the friendship he wouldn’t have distanced himself like this.

I think space may be the best course of action for now. Clearly right now the type of friendship I want out of this isn’t mutual.

 

[KaraBulut]

If neither one of you is getting what you want out of a friendship, then there doesn't seem to be any point in wasting more effort on it.

I’m honestly not sure if there was a better way.

The only better way is to just walk about and let it go. You're worrying too much about it which is a hint that you're still too emotionally involved.

 

[TX-Beau]

I’m honestly not sure if there was a better way. Tried having a talk and he keeps saying he’s a guarded person and he apologized for not telling me sooner. He doesn’t want to give me any wrong ideas if he spends more time with me. I’m not going to force him to hang out with me if he’s not comfortable, it just makes me wish I never asked him out and wonder how things could have been different if I had just tried to move on from him without saying anything to begin with. Part of me thinks if he really cared about the friendship he wouldn’t have distanced himself like this.

I think space may be the best course of action for now. Clearly right now the type of friendship I want out of this isn’t mutual.

I've done that before, told a straight guy I was interested, it never works, they're effing straight. NEVER make your feelings the responsibility of someone who didn't ask for it. Girls won't be friends with guys who ask them out that they find unattractive - especially if they find the concept repugnant (and lets face it, that's just how a whole lot of straight guys feel.) It's not just confined to gay men and straight guys.

Here's how you avoid that. You don't ever hide, everyone knows you are gay from the get go, the 'phobes will remove themselves from your path, don't ask out anyone who hasn't explicitly told you he is gay, ASK if he is gay if you aren't sure, before you ask him out.

Most importantly because this will happen again, guys vote with their feet, they'll tell you one thing, but what they do is the real answer. If he's avoiding you - he's avoiding you. You can tell him you're still his friend and if he ever wants to talk you're there, but then you walk away. No contact. If he changes his mind, he'll let you know, but don't sit by the phone because it probably won't ring.

 

[TX-Beau]

Sorry, just re-capped your OP, so if this guy is Bi that makes his silence more ominous. One assumes he's not dealing with all the straight guy crap and just isn't into you al all. Walk, don't bother trying to be understanding, and don't freak when you see him all over some twink in a bar somewhere.

 

[Natello4]

Learn and move on. We have not so much time for fixing every failure.

 

[cabinfever]

I have been that guy and reacted the same way he did - more than once.

I can't speak for him and his motives though - only my own.

I remember very well feeling like an asshole and I probably was an asshole BUT I would do it again and again - the same thing.

In my case - I had absolute zero fear of rejection on the dating/love front and I actually welcome it as a refreshing response because I really hate wasting time or having to pretend anything. However - I am terrified of rejecting anyone which manifested over time due to the consequences I have incurred for doing just that - before I learned to be an asshole

The other thing I can think of is that I like boundaries and clarity in personal relationships and especially in friendships I am more open and intimate as a friend than I would EVER be with a possible love interest so when the change happens - and it has more than once - I freeze inside. In my mind - I trust my friendships and it is a very uneasy feeling for me and it makes me feel like running away because what I trusted has changed.

I just thought maybe I would give you a possible response since I have been "that guy" - his response might be a completely different thing though.

The other thing that probably was a factor in my responses is when I feel a connection right away I "know it" - no gray area for me - and the "developing feelings" thing is something I am completely not familiar with at all and even hearing that term kinda freaks me out - an oil and water thing for me I think. Maybe he has that too?

Having said that I really do hope you get closure. He might have done you a favor - frees you up to be open to Mr Right maybe around the corner?

 

[Shadowsmithe01]

Thank you all for your responses. Having not spoken to him for a few days, it makes me realize that I wasted too much time on him.

 

[mcbrion]

How long did you guys know each other? Was there a solid friendship in place or did you confess your feelings at an early stage of the two of you knowing each other just on a social basis?

 

[funsicles]

My handsome best friend throughout Jr. & Sr. High would share many a night sleepovers at either of our houses, and we always shared the same bed. We'd talk about everything under the sun, and once he asked, "What would you do, if you were a girl?" I just replied, "Ick ... I never thought about that," to which he replied, "I'd go out and get fucked by every guy in school and even dirty, old men in the street."

Maybe I missed my chance to satisfy each of our pubescent curiosity, as we talked about other guys' cocks from the shower room as well. We remained best friends (talking and/or texting daily) until 5 years ago when I told him that I am gay. Mark has since blocked me on FB, won't answer my calls or occasional text, and I just sent him or tried to send him another text, lol, and now he has blocked my cell to his cell.

I never put the "Hey Baby" on him or even intimated an attraction. It is his own insecurities and/or prejudices that ended our friendship!!! So, Mr. Shadowsmithe01, no, it is NOT your fault!!! I do feel your pain and do empathize, but as emphasized throughout this thread ... there truly are more and probably better fish out in the sea worthy of you!

 

[Newmercedes]

My handsome best friend throughout Jr. & Sr. High would share many a night sleepovers at either of our houses, and we always shared the same bed. We'd talk about everything under the sun, and once he asked, "What would you do, if you were a girl?" I just replied, "Ick ... I never thought about that," to which he replied, "I'd go out and get fucked by every guy in school and even dirty, old men in the street."

Maybe I missed my chance to satisfy each of our pubescent curiosity, as we talked about other guys' cocks from the shower room as well. We remained best friends (talking and/or texting daily) until 5 years ago when I told him that I am gay. Mark has since blocked me on FB, won't answer my calls or occasional text, and I just sent him or tried to send him another text, lol, and now he has blocked my cell to his cell.

I never put the "Hey Baby" on him or even intimated an attraction. It is his own insecurities and/or prejudices that ended our friendship!!! So, Mr. Shadowsmithe01, no, it is NOT your fault!!! I do feel your pain and do empathize, but as emphasized throughout this thread ... there truly are more and probably better fish out in the sea worthy of you!

Nice Story

 

[texan_slant]

Shadowsmithe01, you did the right thing.

What I have learned in life is that friends come and go, and only the strong friendships will stay with you through thick and thin; when the times are tough; or when THEY never hear from you - the bestest of friends will call to check in. Here is my favorite mantra -

Friends for a reason,
Friends for a season, or,
Friends for a lifetime.

You'll run into those three types of friends in your lifetime, and only a handful (or less) will end up being friends for a lifetime. There has to be a natural give and take, a connection, a balance of energy and personality, and no expectations of the other.

I did the same thing you did with my straight best friend (I hate labels, by the way, but tis easy to explain the story that way!). He was the first person I came out to, AND I told him that I liked him. He was fine with it, said he was straight, and things went OK, but THEN - in my immaturity, I ended up telling him I "a little" needed space from him to deal with my own feelings. My friend literally gave me too much space and fell off the face of the Earth completely for like a month. He ghosted me, and I was DEVASTED. Later on, my buddy ended up telling me that that wasn't a fair thing to put him through...since he said that my feelings should have nothing to do with our friendship....30+ years later, we are still best friends, and I am well over my feelings for at least 20 years.