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Enough is Enough

New friends?

Since I came out to my best friend a couple days ago, I've realized even more that there is more work to do during this process. As I mentioned before I am in a frat. First I want to say that I do not regret joining a frat because I wanted to make more male friends; honestly because I didn't want to be classified as "gay" for having only female friends at the time.

Today, I was hanging out with a group of my friends and frat brothers and as soon as I stepped up to the house I was criticized for the way I was dressed. I enjoy looking good and keeping up my appearance and I express that through fashion. Clearly they don't understand, so of course they feel the need to say I look homo and kinda gay; not the most comforting words. I was asked to go to the strip club (like most of my frat brothers like to do), I said no, they call me a homo. Really?

At this point in my life I'm confused about whether or not to hang out with them anymore. There are at least a handful of brothers who I could see myself being friends with 5 years from now, but the rest are just ignorant. It could be the fact they grew up in a totally different environment than I did, but that's no excuse to be rude. On top of that we all go to the same university, so it's kinda hard to avoid them when I see them on a weekly basis.

I do not want to associate myself with people who can't accept me for who I am. I have been hiding my true self for so long and I'm tired of hiding. Everything I love to do is nothing compared to what they like to do; we're different and they just don't understand.

Any opinions or advice would be extremely helpful. Thank you
 
Okay so you don't want to be around people who can't accept who you really are....understandable, but you're not really giving them the whole picture are you?

How can anyone accept you when they don't know the real you? How can you blame them for not accepting you when you haven't shared who you are with them?

Some people are truly bigoted and enjoy mistreating others. That's just a sad fact of life. But most people have very limited life experiences. Knowing you, the real you, could be a turning point for them. In my experience, people who have made derogatory remarks about homosexuality didn't know that they were talking about someone they knew and truly regret it when they find out.

When asking for acceptance and understanding you must also give it. Accept that these guys might be surprised you're gay. Understand that some of them might be uncomfortable or need time to process it.

I feel like you have this strong "me vs. them" mentality and that will be the one thing that ensures you stay separated from others. Yeah, you guys are different, but you'd be surprised how much they were capable of understanding if you gave them a chance to.
 
thephoenix said:
Okay so you don't want to be around people who can't accept who you really are....understandable, but you're not really giving them the whole picture are you?

How can anyone accept you when they don't know the real you? How can you blame them for not accepting you when you haven't shared who you are with them?

Some people are truly bigoted and enjoy mistreating others. That's just a sad fact of life. But most people have very limited life experiences. Knowing you, the real you, could be a turning point for them. In my experience, people who have made derogatory remarks about homosexuality didn't know that they were talking about someone they knew and truly regret it when they find out.

When asking for acceptance and understanding you must also give it. Accept that these guys might be surprised you're gay. Understand that some of them might be uncomfortable or need time to process it.

I feel like you have this strong "me vs. them" mentality and that will be the one thing that ensures you stay separated from others. Yeah, you guys are different, but you'd be surprised how much they were capable of understanding if you gave them a chance to.
Click to expand...

Your right. They won't understand who I truly am because I have been putting up a huge front for years. I am willing to accept that they may be surprised or want to distance themselves from me.

Honestly, I'm not looking forward to the many awkward moments this could bring. But at the same time I know it's bound to happen. Idk if I should tell all my brothers or some of them; there's so much to process.
 
Ok, what I would suggest is this - pick one of them that you are absolutely certain would NOT tell anyone else, regardless of how he'll respond personally. It's best if that's someone you're close to. Like one of those you think you can be friends with in 5 years. Then tell him. Go all out. Explain why you hadn't told anyone before, how you aren't certain you'd be accepted etc etc. Basically what you told us here. Often people get a totally new perspective of these things when they hear the actual issues you have about a certain problem.

If he responds violently, then I'd just suggest you ditch the frat (sorry, not familiar with the Greek system, dunno if that's an ok thing to do). But if he doesn't, then just go all out on them. Might as well be at the same time, or case by case. I really think you'll be surprised as to how accepting they could turn out to be.

Especially if you're not generally a dick :p

One thing is absolutely imperative though - STOP BEING ASHAMED OF IT! Stop treating your being gay as something that needs to be hidden. It is not. It is who you are, and you deserve the world to know. And everyone who has an issue with it can go fuck themselves for all you should care. Let them be bigoted, and disgusted, and whatever else they wanna be. Let them feel awkward when you see them every week during classes. You have nothing to feel awkward about, you don't owe anyone anything, the least of all an explanation for why you've been hiding it up till now.

And never forget that "phobia" means fear. They aren't the strong ones. You are.
 
I'm going to suggest one more time that you try to make gay friends. It sounds like your frat is loaded with homophobes. That would be a scary environment in which to come out. It's also likely there are other gay members. Forty years after graduation my college roommate and I who both got married to our college girlfriends and had children reconnected and introduced each other to our long term partners.
 
@Rolyo85 I think I have a person in mind. I have connected with him the most and his overall personality is kind, generous, and confident so I feel as though I could trust him. Now to muster up the courage to tell him...

@Seasoned I am going to take the step to make gay friends. The other day I saw this gay guy with two of his female girlfriends and I was honestly jealous. These two girls accept him for who he is and continue to treat him equally; I want that.

I might not have any other choice but to join the GLTBL group in my school because it's really hard to find other gay friends, who I actually get along with. It's not going to be easy, but only time will tell I guess.
 
Coming out gets progressively easier with each person you tell who isn't your immediate family. By the time I told my tenth friend I was kinda just letting them know casually.

Also, don't be jealous - girls are totally messed up! They start liking you MORE when you turn gay on them, and don't treat you equally. They actually try to make you into "one of the girls". Which is hilarious, but could also be annoying. Of course, a lot of gay guys love that, but my attitude is pretty heteronormative most of the time, and I am guessing yours is too, so they can be a real pain in the ass.

I have so much fun flirting and semi-making out with girls just to freak them out. I'm a bad person ^_^
 
@Rolyo85 Haha, I know how girls can be. It's not always fun having to deal with their "many" problems :)

Basically what I was trying to say was that I'm just looking for acceptance.
 
You're in college now. Just assume acceptance. They owe it to you, and unlike hs, this is an academic environment, where - supposedly - people are more open-minded and intelligent. Plus, if you act like everyone's accepting you, people will get duped into believing it ;)
 
I'm really considering telling one of my other best girlfriends. I have a great circle or friends back home, who seem to be very open minded.

My only struggle while at school is telling certain frat brothers. Being all my frat brothers don't know yet, it's like putting up a huge front. Telling them all at once would be easy to get it over with, but would make for a huge awkward setting that I do no want, haha. I guess one by one would be the answer.
 
Well, I came out to another one of my best friends tonight. Another great reaction, and supportive. She was a little sad that we have been friends for so long and she didn't know. It was a good talk. Feeling good
 
One thing you should always remember (and sorry if this post makes little sense - I am INCREDIBLY drunk right now, and shouldn't be posting to begin with...) - you don't owe ANYONE an apology for coming out to them whenever you decided to come out to them. You took as much time as you needed,and you owe nobody to have come out to them sooner. There is no guilt in taking your time when it comes to coming out.
 
Thanks for the reminder. I don't ever want to apologize to anyone for being who I am or when I decide to come out. This is a journey that took me years to reach and I'm not done yet.
 
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