ever lost a parent?

[assortment]

Three months ago I lost my grandmother, but she was more like a parent. Both my parents worked long hours to provide for me so she was the one who pretty much raised me as a child. When I graduated pre-school and elementary school, I pushed my parents away and went to her first. Not because they were bad parents or because I didn't love them, but because she was so special to me. My grandmother was one of the most inspirational people I've ever met in my life. She suffered many hardships in her life, including cancer five times, and still she was never frowning and went beyond the call of duty to help everyone. At 85-years-old she still drank, still gambled, she drove like most teenagers, sweared just like them too. Age was not an issue with her and it never held her down.

She was diagnosed with cancer in september and I just knew deep down inside she wasn't going to make it. She attacked this cancer with everything she had and scheduled surgery in October. However, her heart was just too weak. She never recovered from the surgeries and in January she passed away after months of pain that I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy. She was a such a fighter, going on and off life support for so long. I don't think many peole could do that. Despite months of knowing she was going to pass away, I was still not prepared for the day she passed away. I had just returned from class when I received a text from my cousin, "I'm so sorry for your loss." I had no idea what she was talking about and called my dad.

It's been several months since then and I still haven't really healed from the situation. I'm 21-years-old and I'm a full time college student with a 4.0. I work between 20 - 30 hours a week after school. I have a large social life and I'm exploring many reactive and recreational outlets. Yet, almost every day I still cry. The pain has not gone away, though it has eased over the past few months. I just want to know when I'm going to be ok again.

In June I developed a serious health condition and it's really rough. I lost consciousness in my dorm a lilttle while ago and had a dream where she came to me and tried to wake me up. I told her I'd rather stay with her wherever we were because it hurts too much to be left behind.

I know I propably sound like a week person, but I just need advice. or personal stories that are similar where people were able to move on. Because I really need to know there will be a light at the end of the tunnel right now.

 

[JUB]

Im so sorry for your loss I still have both my parents living on this Earth and I can't imagine what I would do if I were to lose them.

 

[ozguy]

.... I really need to know there will be a light at the end of the tunnel right now.

You are grieving for someone who was extremely close to you and is no longer a physical presence in your life. Of course you are going to feel like shit, mate. It is a natural and necessary part of the grieving process. Don't beat yourself up over it. The old cliche, 'time is a great healer', is true. I lost both my parents within 6 months of each other about 8 years ago. They meant everything to me and even though they were both elderly and we had all accepted the fact that it was their 'time', the pain I felt at losing them lasted for many months and was almost overwhelming at times. It took me nearly twelve months to come to terms with their passing, but I got through it. You will, too. Don't be afraid to talk to people close to you about how you are feeling. Share your grief and allow yourself to be comforted by those who understand how you are feeling. Give yourself time, however long that time may be ... you will be okay.

You might also find some helpful information here .... http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm

 

[chillyboi]

Yes... both

 

[sexsomniac]

Sorry for your loss but I can def sympathize with you as I lost my mother in Aug. 2007. It was very hard on me. I didn't know how I was ever going to go on but I just had to keep telling myself that everything is okay and she is in a much better place. Plus I knew she wouldn't want me to beat myself up over it. I was 23 at the time as that was 2 years ago just about. She died of kindy failure, phnemonia, sepsis. She was only 52. But yes I have lost a parent...such a tragic time but sometimes life comes at you hard and it's easy to let it drag you down but you just gotta stand up and be strong for the ones you love and everything will be okay. I was a mamma's boy and the baby of the family. I have 3 sisters and 1 brother. My dad is still alive however but I am not as close to him as I was my mother. I keep a pic of my mom next to my computer so I can just look over and see her face smiling back at me. It is NEVER easy losing a parent. Once again very sorry to hear about your loss! At least they are all in a much better place and are more happier than they were here on earth.

One of my parents passed away at about the same age as yours. It was so unexpected that it felt like a dream and I couldn't even cry. While in hospital, which last for about a month by the way, I kept telling to myself that he's gonna be fine even though deep down inside I knew he wasn't gonna make it. It took me over 6 months to come to term with it

 

[FPNY]

i lost both of my parents unexpectedly 32 days apart. My Dad died in December of 2006 and my mom died in January of 2007. Both were in their 70's and relatively healthy. I was so stricken with grief and sadness that I didn't think I could go on.

I can tell you that it is ok to be sad, you have to cry and grieve. Know that it will pass and that with each passing day you will feel better. You will get to the point where you can laugh and carry on with your life. Death is part of the life cycle and everyone everywhere is touched by it at one time or another. There is no escaping it.

 

[FabFairy]

I lost both Parents at age 4 (1954) in a car accident and it is something you never get over but more learn to live with or at least come to terms with.

Losing them so young I have become indifferent to the times that anyone would normally spent with family such as holiday's etc.

We are very luckly to have been able tp spend the time and it is something you value and treasure for the rest of your life.

 

[Cactusjack47]

Sorry for your loss. I have lost both my real father, step-father and my mother. Toughest was losing my mom. It's just as FabFairy says, "...you never get over but more learn to love with or at least come to terms with." The pain does get less and less over time, but the memories still come and the ears well up inside you. The important thing is to let the tears flow and get them out of your system. If you don't, it will dominate your life and screw everything up for yourself. I don't thing your grandmother woud want that for you.

 

[Willie Boy]

I lost both my parents before I was a year old. I went through 14 years of hell before things started turning around.

 

[spooger]

bless you , assortment......i can feel your agony through your post....at least you have the awareness to ask for help with your grieving

i, too, of my other 3 siblings was closest to my Grandmother ... both of my parents were wonderful people and were constant in their love for us ... but Mommie was special to me

she died when i was in high school, and both of my parents have since died also.... so i know what it is to lose parents i love..... but

they were all older and it seemed "natural" for them to pass when they did .. and i was in my 30s and 50's when my parents died ... which makes a GREAT difference in one's acceptance of their passing

i don't know how i would have felt if my parents had died while in my 20s .... but Mommie did pass when i was young...

trust me... if you are a loving, dynamic person... as you seem to be... the pain will diminish....

i keep them all close to me in my heart ... and i talk to them both in my mind and aloud all the time ... keeping them in your life is important to healing ...

keep your Grandmother close in your heart and she will help you heal ... she wouldn't want you to be crippled by your grief ... learn from her strength and her love ... and pursue your own life, happily

that would make her proud.....bless you.... and good luck

remember also.... if you need professional help....it does not mean you are weak .... but it does mean you are wise to seek help when you may need it

 

[mojoe54]

I am so sorry for your loss, and for the pain you are feeling. I am a bit older than you and I have lost both of my parents and all of my grandparents. Most recent was the death of my mother on Dec.1,2004.
I was a mama's boy,too, and very devoted to my mother. When she was in the hospital for the last time I put my life on hold and stayed at the hospital pretty much round the clock. My siblings had to make me leave to go shower and sleep. When she became terminal we brought her home to die with hospice care. My mother was truly loved by all of her children and grand-children. Many of my niece's and nephews felt the same as you,like she was the one who raised them and taught them to be the good people they are. My mother's death was the most intense event in my life. I will never forget that day--my six siblings and I were kneeling around her bed,holding hands and praying for her release. I was in agony for a long time after she passed. The pain never goes away, but it does become less intense as time passes. Now when I think of my mother I see her as a benevolent presence in my life. I feel that she is still looking after me from afar. I hope you can get to that point someday.
Please take good care of yourself and your health. That is what your grandmother would want you to do.
mojoe54

 

[star-warrior]

I was abroad when my grandma died, and when we returned, she'd already been buried, so I never got the chance to say my last goodbyes to her. Prior to going abroad, I'd visited her daily after school at the hospital. It was along the way back, and I was told by my sis that her last few words were, 'Your grandfather has come". He died when she was 21, some fourty odd years previous. It wasn't until years later whilst writing a letter to a penfriend about her recent loss that my grief surfaced for my gran. Hitherto, I'd not felt the grief to actually make me cry.

When my dad passed away, it hit me like a stone, the wrenching pain was intense, and because we lived together, everywhere I was at home, I saw him, or rather the lack of him. It was so hard.

It takes time, a lot of time before the grief works out, and the memories are not painful anymore but tender recollection.

 

[rareboy]

When I lost my grandaprents, it was like the eath opened up and swallowed me whole. I spent so many hours in their company and care.

In 2003 I lost my mother to cancer and a year later, my father to the after effects of a stroke and cancer.

Again the earth opened up and swallowed me whole.

It took three years to recover my sense of joie de vivre and even today, their deaths added at least ten years on me.

But I am back in the garden and thinking of the furure again and no longer have an aching agony of feeling orphaned.

I don't think we ever knew how hard it was for our parents to graduate to the upper tier of survival until we've gone through it.

For anyone who is losing or has lost a parent or grandparent, there are thousands out her who feel your pain.

 

[Huskerboy]

Sorry to hear about your grandmother...

 

[metta]

I just want to know when I'm going to be ok again.

I don't know. It is different for each person. My dad died when I was 18 years old. My best friend died in 2005. And I probably cried almost every day when my best friend died, sometimes more than once a day for the first 2 years. I still miss him today and it still hurts. It will be 4 years on April 20th. It is not anywhere near as painful as it was. At about 2 years, I really stopped believing that the pain would decrease....but it has. I don't cry for him...but do sometimes get teary eyed when I think of him. I also sometimes laugh when I think of him and the times that we had together.

I'm not suggesting that it will take you are long as it has taken me. There are people that never even really get upset. Like I said, each person is different. Just be nice to yourself and do the best that you can.

In June I developed a serious health condition and it's really rough. I lost consciousness in my dorm a lilttle while ago and had a dream where she came to me and tried to wake me up. I told her I'd rather stay with her wherever we were because it hurts too much to be left behind.

I'm really sorry to hear that. Make sure to focus on your health right now and don't beat yourself up. It is ok to grieve. It is normal and healthy to grieve.

I know I probably sound like a week person, but I just need advice. or personal stories that are similar where people were able to move on.

Nope, you sound human.

 

[ozguy]

Thumbs up to all you guys for the compassionate and helpful manner in which you have responded to assortment's post.

Proof positive of what a caring online community JUB can be.

Assortment, I hope the advice and experiences we have shared has helped you in some small way.

 

[rareboy]

Some member called Justmealone has commented that losing parents and grandparents and felling bereft at the loss is KARMA. This is just stupid. Everyone dies. We all know that.

Sadness over the loss of loving family members is a great monument to those who have died. Without grief, we wouldn't understand the greatness of joy.

I would say to everyone that you should make peace with any estranged family members and try to show more love and compassion to your parents and grandparents while they are alive, no matter how busy with your own lives you all are.

As for Justmealone, I can only assume that you are lifehouseboy come back from the shadows and i see that you have just as quickly disappeared after telling me that there's 'more to come'. Trust me. I know there is.

 

[Lefty]

yes, i lost them all and all were ugly painful passings. so i do empathise with you.

hold this one thought assortment..she isn't in that excruciating pain or debilitated state anymore.

if you hold her in your heart, she will never be gone, just moved a little farther down 'lifes' highways. treasure the memories but choose a time and stop grieving. if this sounds preachy, i'm sorry. all i can do is speak from my experiences. hope this has helped a bit

 

[assortment]

thanks for all your compassion, support, and stories of similarities everyone. i've been really busy with school so i haven't had an opportunity to respond to anyone unless i was privately messaged.

everything is still pretty crappy. there are a couple things right now that i'm trying to work through.

firstly, the love that she and i had for each other was massive. on occasions she had said how she loved me more than anyone, even her own children. she had a heart of a lion. for months after her surgery she was going on and off life support, and for an 85-year-old woman that is pretty amazing, gladiator status if you ask me. it's not the cancer that killed her, just side affects. her heart just couldn't find it anymore and she died. recently i feel like...if she loved me so much, maybe i could have encouraged her to fight more. my parents wouldn't let me see her that often because of my health condition, the stress was too much. i don't want to say i blame myself for her dying, i just feel like maybe if i went to visit more she would still be around or wouldn't have passed away too soon.

secondly, my mind is blocked right now. i try to think back of all the good times we spent together, all 21 years, and i can't remember anything right now. the only things i remember are stories people shared at the funeral, so they're not even really my memories. she was such a powerful and enthusiastic woman. like at her old house her children were swimming in the pool and she went to some market and bought an octopus (obviously dead to eat). while her kids were under water swimming she through the octopus in the pool. they all freaked out, but it was funny for everyone when they realized what was going on. like being the mayors wife you would think she'd be really classy and sophisticated? nope. mischief night she'd set barrels up on the front lawn so her kids could throw eggs at cars that would pass by. having fun and showing love was the most important thing to her, as long as it harmed no one.

when i try to think of memories i have with her, all i can think about is the way she died. she looked nothing like herself, didn't even know who i was, and was praying for death when she finally passed away. that is all i can focus on when i think about her now and not the beautiful person she was before she passed away. i've already forgotten the sound of her voice.

i also feel very alone now. there has been a lot of death, hurt, and trials the past six months aside from me losing my grandmother. there has been A LOT i haven't mentioned, just losing my grandmother has been the most tragic and heart renching. my dad told me today he doesn't want to talk to me about my grandmother anymore. i love one side of my family, but we're not that close, and the other side i hate and they hate me. my friends are good to have fun with, but not to have serious convos with (thus why i'm here), and i'm not dating anymore. so i feel like i'm just sitting here with all these things i want to say and no one who cares enough to listen.

 

[metta]

Yes... both

Seriously Chilly....you are ONLY alowed to have good things happen to you. No more bad stuff... That's it...I say...not more bad stuff.