The Original Gay Porn Community - Free Gay Movies and Photos, Gay Porn Site Reviews and Adult Gay Forums

  • Welcome To Just Us Boys - The World's Largest Gay Message Board Community

    In order to comply with recent US Supreme Court rulings regarding adult content, we will be making changes in the future to require that you log into your account to view adult content on the site.
    If you do not have an account, please register.
    REGISTER HERE - 100% FREE / We Will Never Sell Your Info

    PLEASE READ: To register, turn off your VPN (iPhone users- disable iCloud); you can re-enable the VPN after registration. You must maintain an active email address on your account: disposable email addresses cannot be used to register.

  • The Support & Advice forum is a no-flame zone.
    The members offering support and advice do so with the best intention. If you ask for advice, we don't require you to take the advice, but we do ask that you listen and give it consideration.

Ever since I came out, my bro has been avoiding me

H

Horschallen

Horschallen
Joined
Oct 11, 2004
Posts
6,190
Reaction score
2
Points
0
Re: Ever since I came out, my bro has been avoidin

GIve him time and don't force it on him. It will eventually work out.
 
Re: Ever since I came out, my bro has been avoidin

To one extreme, he could be gay too and not dealing with it very well. On the other hand, he is 19. He hasn't gathered the wisdom of your parents. Most of his life, being "gay" was probably seen in a very negative, shameful light. Give him some time. He will either come around and accept it or do as my brother has done for almost 20 years and avoid the situation like the plague. Which is fine. Being gay is only a small part of who you are as a person and really shouldn't be much of an issue of how you relate to your brother. You got along fine for 19 years. Just be yourself and the person your brother grew up with.
 
Re: Ever since I came out, my bro has been avoidin

my brother was a bit stand-offish when i first came out. In time, people come to either deal with it or out-right accept it. Don't take it to personal. We're very quick to forget that it took us years to accept ourselves as gay. Sometimes, it takes our family members just as long
 
Re: Ever since I came out, my bro has been avoidin

Your brother is going to have to learn to deal with it. I assume that your parents are about the same age as I in the 40s right? I would say have it out with him in an adult fashion I can only see this as getting worse if it keeps going as it is.
 
Re: Ever since I came out, my bro has been avoidin

When my BF and I got together, we decided after some time that it was time to tell the rents and his brothers and sisters who we were and why we were together. We already knew that because of their religion, (Catholic), and how Homophobic they were, we would be taking a chance!

In the end after more than 2 years, everyone, except his father, has accepted us with open arms!

Your situation needs time, and in the end your brother will accept you or not. If he does not, then there is still hope with your rents! I hope this turns out the way you want, but do not be surprised if it does not.
 
Re: Ever since I came out, my bro has been avoidin

It seems like you're dealing with the situation the right way. If he wants to see you, then he will. Until he stops acting so immaturely about the situation, your relationship will stay where it is. You shouldn't have to go above and beyond to make him feel comfortable.

I think in time, he will come around. If not, that'd be really unfortunate but what can you do?
 
Re: Ever since I came out, my bro has been avoidin

Ask him directly what's going on...you deserve at least to know how's he's feeling and why he's acting like he is.
 
Re: Ever since I came out, my bro has been avoidin

As I see it, you have 3 options.

1. Let things continue as they have been and hope things will work out.

2. Give him the same treatment he is giving you and write him off unless he later comes around.

3. Confront him and try to work things out.

If it were me, I would probably pick number 2 because that is the way I am. However, I would think a combination of all 3 would be the best. You could perhaps tell him that he is being unfair to you and that you would like to work it out when he is ready. Then let things continue as they are until he comes to you. If he doesn't come around, write him off.
 
Re: Ever since I came out, my bro has been avoidin

For what's it's worth, I don't think he needs time. I don't think time is going to fix things.

Your parents are correct in not wanting to go if you are not also invited. I hope they tell that to your brother. If he gets away with this it will be apparent that he will have permission to exclude you for future events.

Things will be easier when you also move. You all will not be so aware of what is going on.

Once you do move don't follow his lead. Invite him every time you have a family gathering and include his gf. In other words don't give him the power to make you feel bad about who you are.

You sound like a nice, decent guy and in the end it is his loss.

Good luck. Take care and kudos for coming out to your family. I wish you and your bf a lot of happiness, and hope his family is ok with you both.
 
Re: Ever since I came out, my bro has been avoidin

Maybe write him a letter?

I understand giving him time but if it's been three months and he's still acting like you don't exist, that's kind of overboard. Did you ever try talking to him about it? Or have your parents tried talking to him and communicated it to you?

Sounds like you have good parents though because they seem to have taken it well.
 
Re: Ever since I came out, my bro has been avoidin

Jory said:
Your brother is going to have to learn to deal with it. I assume that your parents are about the same age as I in the 40s right? I would say have it out with him in an adult fashion I can only see this as getting worse if it keeps going as it is.
Click to expand...

I agree. I, personally, would not tolerate this without saying a word. I'd confront him and ask him what's going and what's with the extreme change of behavior. I'd try to reason with him like two sentient adults should but if he'd still have a problem with me being gay and doesn't want to be around me I'd probably simply say "Well then...since I'm not a human being at your eyes, not worthy of talking to and treated like I had the plague, then you go live your life and I'll go live mine. Bye!".


But this is me. I don't have the patience nor do I need the aggravation of dealing with homophobia in the family, having a brother treating me like I'm not worthy of existing and being repulsed by me...if it's way too uncomfortable for him, then he can eff off and leave me alone.

Reading this breaks my heart and pisses me off at the same time. Thank Zod your brother is not here with me...I'd cut him! :grrr:
 
Re: Ever since I came out, my bro has been avoidin

Underlying this situation is your family's dislike for confrontation.

Your father avoids your grandmother.

Your brother avoids situations by making exits where possible.

You don't want to confront your brother's behavior.

Your parents haven't confronted your brother and made it clear that they accept you and that they expect your brother to do the same.

The question for you is whether you want to have a closer relationship with your brother. Just because two people have the same mother and father doesn't mean that they have to be best friends- you only have to be brothers and nothing more.

If you do want to have a more adult friendship with your brother, then you're going to have to get past your family's aversion to confronting issues. You have to tell your brother that you feel like he's avoiding you and that you want to have a better relationship with him.

If you don't want to have a closer relationship with your brother, then don't waste anymore time nor energy on this.
 
Re: Ever since I came out, my bro has been avoidin

It seems pretty clear what's going on, but I'd say have a straight-up talk with him. "You know, every since I came out to you and Mom and Dad, it seems like you've been actively avoiding me. If that's how you choose to deal with it, I guess I have no choice bot to accept it. I was kind of hoping we wouldn't have to do that. But I'm not going to force you into doing anything you don't want to."

Ball's in his court after that.

Lex
 
Re: Ever since I came out, my bro has been avoidin

I think you should confront him and ask him what's going on. My brother came out at Thanksgiving and it I was surprised my father was pretty relaxed about it, but many of us knew it anyway. I think you should definitely try talking to him about it.
 
Re: Ever since I came out, my bro has been avoidin

Give it some time for face to face, But I would write him a letter and explain how you feel and just be honest.

Some peolpe just take more time, he is in complete denial anywy and just does not know how to handle this. A bit immature for him. But you just be you and dont let it get to you as bad as it is. Dont make any waves and let things cool down..
 
Re: Ever since I came out, my bro has been avoidin

Talk to him, so that you know that you've done what you could to open it up to communication.

I'm not saying that this will solve anything right away, cuz it will still take some time for him to process it, however, asking him about it (w/o being confrontational or defensive) would be your best way to be pro-active, and it will in essense, toss the ball in his court.

It will be completely up to him to respond - or not - but at least you will have known that you stepped up to the plate, and it'd be up to him to act in a postive manner as a result.
 
Re: Ever since I came out, my bro has been avoidin

Have a talk. It's not a comfortable thing for everyone. Try to see where he is mentally with your sexuality. If he's not willing to talk, let him come to you. If he doesn't, that's his loss. Family members aren't always welcoming to anyone that isn't heterosexual. It's common for them to disapprove and then unfairly distance themselves from the person.
 
Re: Ever since I came out, my bro has been avoidin

I have 2 bros - one older-half and one younger - the younger one is accepting of my sexuality and at times loves pointing out potential guys lol but we close. I got his back, he has mine lol!

My older half brother is a different story when I told him I was gay he could not accept it and we fought alot, he avoided me, he even ran to Granma and told her about me and he got a mouth full from her and my aunt who's a lesbian lol :D, but now we both get along fine, he accepted me the way I am. He's one of those dudes whos overly macho but has a soft heart - so just had to warm up to him.

My sister is cool so can't complain. Anyway - give it time and he will come through, he has this mindset of homosexuality is not natural but he will warm up to it and later on he might just start playing the cupid every chance he gets. So leave him be but show him you still care about him and that you miss him ask him how he's doing etc start small. Also get to know his GF. Things should not change just cause you gay.(*8*)

Oh and arabb made a wonderful suggestion - write a letter!

 
Re: Ever since I came out, my bro has been avoidin

I'm a little bit at a loss of exactly what advice to give. We would really need to know a lot more about your relationship prior to coming out. Obviously he's avoiding the issue and isn't going to come to you.

With that said, I would probably call him up and ask him to hang out. Be specific, such as "Do you want to go see 'insert movie' with me?" You get the idea. I wouldn't bring up the gay issue unless he does or refuses to go. If he avoids going, just say "Are you avoiding me because I'm gay?" No matter what he says, respond with "You know I'm still the same guy you have known for 19 years." You may want to go on to say something like "I struggled with this issue for many years, but I can't deny it any more. I can assure it's not a choice that I made. This is the way I was born."

Good luck with him. While his reaction has been far from positive, it could have been far worse. At least he's not spewing anti-gay crap and calling you names. I think that shows there is hope and that things will probably work out in time.

By the way, I'm surprised that your parents would allow this to go on without confronting him. They should definitely decline his offer for Christmas Eve if you are not invited.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top