Evil_danger - Archived Blog Posts

[evil_danger]

I’ve been using ebay for about a year, not really bought allot though, mainly games but im surprised by the slowness of English sellers who sell games. I know you should wait up to a week before even beginning to worry about your item getting to you and since your dealing with people just like you or me you should expect human laziness and such.

I’m just annoyed that when ever I have bought a game through ebay and it has been from England it has taken longer than a week, where as when I have bought a PC game from America it got here within a week. And I know other people who buy stuff from America and it seams to get here days before stuff from England that they have bought.

I hope it doesn’t make me seam rude to my fellow English people, but Americans seam to be more efficient at posting things than us Brits, But why?

I find it hard to believe that something from the other side of Bristol should take longer than a week to arrive where as something from America takes about 4 days. It cant be the post, because once it leaves America it gets put into our postal system, no it just has to be shear British laziness.

Sometimes, post in England can be quick, if you send something off Monday morning there is a good chance the other person could get it by the next day, maybe Wednesday morning at the latest, first class of course. I dunno, I’m pretty sure ill get my game, but its just annoying that I have to wait for it longer than I had to wait for my American sent game.

I dunno, might get it tomorrow, gotta stay positive.

Kris

 

[evil_danger]

Ill admit, i couldn't think of a very good tittle to post, but i was just getting damn sick of my ebay complaint. I haven't really had anything to say, or rather, nothing i could be bothered to say here, Blogs just confuse me, well not the porno blogs, they just horn me out.

I guess the last 3 years have been about "boldly going" to places i havn't been before, allot has happend to me, or around me that are just starting to get to me. 2005 isn't a year thats going to be easy to forget.

I guess i just need to see what the rest of the month has to bring, there could still be some chance to improve the remainder of 2005.

Kris

 

[evil_danger]

So my mind is messing with me again, or at least my subconscious, I feel like I’m in love, and it’s the typical or stereotypical “I love my straight mate” tale. Its pissing me off, its hurting me and what’s most annoying is as much as I know I shouldn’t I love him.

I don’t really know him that well, he gives me a lift to college, but were not at all what I would call close mates, more buddy’s. At one point I think things were developing that we were heading to be good mates, but I got pulled one way, him another.

He’s great though, he’s so shy and sweet, ever since I have known him I’ve just wanted to protect him from the world, hug him and kiss everything better. I never thought of him as being attractive though, he’s what you would call frumpy, and someone described him as being a geek (to which I actually felt offended and defended him right away) but the more you look at him the more you notice things. I guess for a couple of months now I have been watching him with a slight bit of lust, nothing more than just a tinge of lustful thoughts.

This started to change a fortnight ago when I actually felt slightly jealous when someone was joking that he fancied a girl from our class. Things finally become really intense last weekend when I had a dream about him, I was comforting him after the loss of his girlfriend, I kissed him, and he backed away at first and started to come to terms with the idea of liking guys. Then the night after that I dreamt that we were really close friends, both mornings I have woken up with a feeling of total devastating loss, so painful I could almost cry.

I don’t know if this is my minds way of saying I love him, if I do love him I don’t want it to end, the feeling I feel when I think of him is so good it practically makes my heart skip a beat. Its going to end badly I know, even if he was gay/bi he’s shown no interest in me, not that anyone ever has (well my ex girlfriend (but the less said about that the better)).

I have a strong gaydar, well I think I do anyway and if I’m honest with myself, he’s not gay he might be bi though, but its doubtful, I watch how he is around good looking girls, its so pathetic I have to laugh and love him even more.

I’m lost, should I try to pursue a good friendship and love him as a good friend, forget about him because it’s going to be too painful. Enjoy the time we have at college together and then forget about him. I don’t know, I just hurt so much when he’s not near me, you know when you want something so bad and it never ever comes true. Then again it could all be in the dream, and when I see him again I could think to myself ‘sure you’re hot, but I don’t love you’

For those of you who read this far, the tittle is a way of getting the idea across, but it is also the tittle of the song that reminds me of the guy I’m talking about. He listens to this song all the time when he drives us to college, and he also does the cutest dance to it in his car seat, which when you think about it…. is kinda dangerous.

 

[evil_danger]

Depressed, so heres a depressing song.

Evanescence - Lies

Bound at every limb by my shackles of fear
Sealed with lies through so many tears
Lost from within, pursuing the end
I fight for the chance to be lied to again

You will never be strong enough
You will never be good enough
You were never conceived in love
You will not rise above

[Chorus:]
They'll never see
I'll never be
I'll struggle on and on to feed this hunger
Burning deep inside of me

But through my tears breaks a blinding light
Birthing a dawn to this endless night
Arms outstretched, awaiting me
An open embrace upon a bleeding tree

Rest in me and I'll comfort you
I have lived and I died for you
Abide in me and I vow to you
I will never forsake you

[Chorus]
[Chorus]

Rest in me and I'll comfort you
I have lived and I died for you
Abide in me and I vow to you
I will never forsake you

[Chorus]​

 

[evil_danger]

ARTERY IS SEVERED IN STREET STABBING

A woman was left fighting for her life after being stabbed in the thigh, severing an artery, in a street attack in Yate.

Rebecca Petchey, 23, was still in the intensive care unit at Frenchay Hospital last night, where she is being treated for loss of blood and knife wounds to her thigh and arms sustained in the assault in the early hours of Sunday.
A 16-year-old girl from the town has been arrested in connection with the incident in which Miss Petchey's femoral artery, one of the body's major blood vessels, was severed.

Friends made frantic attempts to stem the flow of blood following the stabbing in the early hours of Sunday morning but could not stop her from passing out because of the amount of blood she had lost.

Police were on the scene before the ambulance and, even though paramedics were on the way, took the decision to rush the unconscious victim to Frenchay Hospital in a desperate bid to save her life.

Rebecca was with two male friends and was on her way home after a night out in the town when she was approached in Station Road and stabbed with a four-inch bladed knife.

The Evening Post has been told that as Miss Petchey's friends struggled to stop the bleeding they were helped by a passing qualified first aider who stopped to help before police arrived and took over.

Medical staff yesterday described Miss Petchey's condition as stable.

Great Western Ambulance spokeswoman Lois Griffin said: "We received a call from a member of the public at 1.08am and an ambulance was on the way within three minutes. At 1.17am we received a second call to say the police were taking the person to hospital.

"They made a decision that this was the best way to deal with the situation at the time."

Avon and Somerset Police spokeswoman Elaine Parr said: "We received a call at 1.06am to an incident in Station Road where a 23-year-old woman had suffered a serious leg wound."

She said a teenager was arrested in the early hours of Sunday morning and a kitchen knife was later recovered near the scene of the stabbing.


A 16-year-old girl from Yate appeared before North Avon magistrates yesterday afternoon charged with causing grievous bodily harm with intent and has been released on bail to an address in Devon.

Artical here: http://www.thisisbristol.co.uk/displayNode.jsp?nodeId=145365&command=displayContent&sourceNode=145191&contentPK=14832245&folderPk=83726

basically i was getting a lift back from work, and me and the girl driving me home were stopped by a man in the road, we pulled over and the first thing i saw was blood. the news artical got it wrong, none of us knew the girl.

The thing is, i just froze, i didn't know what to do, and its just messed up my confidence, the next day i couldn't stop shaking, and i had to work like that.

I wasn't even the one who was stabbed and i feel like im making a big deal out of nothing, but its just messed my head right up, people must think im so pathetic, getting all scared and stressed over it, but i cant stop thinking about it.

im feeling better now though, but still, i've just lost my confidence that took me a year to build.

People must think im such a cry baby.

 

[evil_danger]

I’m gonna post this on going event in my life on my blog, it doesn’t see enough sunlight to be honest, plus I love a good rant and feel like I’m taking up too much forum space with it. (also, I was just reading my old blog posts, there so… I dunno, I don’t remember typing them)

Anyway, let’s begin. I’m going to call the guy Rob, I don’t wanna use his real name even though I love his name ever since I had a crush on a guy who also had that name. Anyway I met Rob at work, for those that know me my work is my main area of social stimulation, my closest friends are my work friends. Rob doesn’t do many shifts, so I don’t really call him a work colleague, I probably only work one night a week with him, if that. I didn’t really pay much attention to Rob to begin with, I met him at a time I had a major crush on a guy, this guy rejected my advances, but I was still completely taken by him, so Rob wasn’t even on my radar.

Well a few months ago we had a staff night out, Rob was there, I didn’t really notice him to be honest, hadn’t really spoken to him. Rob was sat next to me but I just didn’t really acknowledge him, not in a nasty way at all, just had no real need to talk to him. After a few drinks we decided it was late and we should all go home, Rob myself and the guy who rejected my advances were all sat chatting. I got talking to Rob a bit more, okay we were both drunk but it was the first time I noticed that he was a really nice guy, I’m not just being polite, he’s just a comfortable guy to be around. I learnt that for some reason he feels quite depressed and alone a lot of the time. After a bit more conversation he just burst out saying “I’m straight, but your sexy, you would make great boyfriend material” which kinda confused me, but I took it as a compliment none the less, a compliment when I felt really low after being rejected.


I didn’t really think much of it to begin with, wouldn’t really call him my type and we just stayed on general acquaintance terms, until a few weeks later he was at this BBQ. I came late as I was working, and I had to drive so I couldn’t drink, Rob was so drunk. He put his arm around me and said the same thing he had said before, he thinks I’m sexy, and he finds it a shame he’s straight when he’s sober, his words. I didn’t really care before then, but even though he was drunk both times, in my head there had to be a something there for him to keep telling me this.

I couldn’t exactly act on this, and basically just tried to put it to the back of my head. That was until we went to a house party/social gathering.

Long story short on this gathering, we drank, we made out, lost count of how many times we actually kissed, and it was really long passionate making out sessions, I mean it was hot, I don’t normally do things like that, we shocked all our friends, it was great. I couldn’t say for sure who was leading it, the first time we were kinda encouraged by a friend of ours to kiss, I was expecting a peck on the lips, until I felt his tongue in my mouth, I was kinda shocked. Then we did it again, I was much more relaxed, being able to kiss him back, rubbed his tongue with mine, it was hot. We did it loads of times, then I had to go, we were alone in the hall, and now this one was all him as he grabbed me and kissed me, I ended up being pinned to the wall. I said bye and walked out the door, then firmly yelled out “oh fuck it” and returned, pushed him to the wall, groped his ass and snogged him like I have never snogged anyone before.

Well since that evening he’s told me he’s 100% straight, which I respect, although I don’t believe it for one second, you cant use alcohol as an excuse, well I don’t personally think you can, as people have said “drunk actions are sober thoughts”.

This aside I am actually starting to find we have quite a bit in common, similar senses of humour, although he is much more of a lad than I am. We’re both quite depressive for different reasons, but we can both understand what it’s like to sink to a low place. I was telling him how I don’t see what he has to be depressed about, from what I can see he has a good life; he said the same to me. Not only are we really connecting, we have been joking about the snogging quite a bit, but it always ends on an awkward silence before one of us changes the subject. I loved how the other night we were joking about, I told my other friend that I didn’t know her that well, she said how she didn’t know Rob that well, I said that I didn’t either, he looked a bit shocked and said “you know me better than anyone else here” which was quite funny, but still really awkward.

He also told me he doesn’t regret it, which I believe, I don’t get the impression he would say that for my benefit. I also get the impression if he wasn’t straight (in the closet!?) he would like me in a more than a friend way, I could see myself falling for him quite easily, is it really up myself to think that he could be falling for me, even though he’s ‘straight’

Maybe he’s not straight, I think I might have forced a few conflicts his way, I don’t want to fall for a ‘straight’ guy, too much pain, even if he’s not straight its far to early for him to have a relationship, besides I don’t even know him that well. I just need to let him work things out for himself, but I think I need to let him know how I feel, in a subtle way.

 

[evil_danger]

I Was chatting to Rob tonight, keeps telling me how he didn’t regret the snogging. I drank a bit to much, still can feel it (yeah this post might not make much sense, still a bit under the influence), I feel I made a fool of myself. He told me how sorry he is that he’s lead me on, if he was bisexual we would be together, but he’s just not, I told him how much I respect his sexuality, although I don’t believe he’s straight, he laughed and said hes probably just curious.

He said how I had made my feelings known, I asked how, but he didn’t respond, I was probably a bit forward, but can you blame me, hes given me reason to be. Our friend said how she was sure Rob was at least bisexual, but he keeps saying he’s not. I don’t wanna force the issue at all, its something he has to work out, but at the same time I wish he would just work it out!

I sent him text saying I hope we stay friends. I think now I’m gonna drop it, I need to find someone who can love me, not just someone who wants to use me to work out their sexuality.

To be honest he can use me to work out his sexuality all he likes, I just wish he would fucking work it out already, I cant keep doing this to myself, I want him to fuck me and get it over with, stop pussyfooting around, he wants to work out his sexuality, I wanna get laid, why cant it be that easy?

To top it off I told him one of my biggest secrets, which although I’m not going to tell you guys cos its fucked up, I hope he doesn’t think its because of him. Basically its something that can be seen as attention seeking, or a misunderstood cry for help, and I hope he doesn’t think I’m trying to emotionally blackmail him.

I dunno, things will all work out in the end…. Wont they?

 

[evil_danger]

I saw Rob tonight, he came into the pub while I was working and my fucking heart, I felt it skip a beat, I think I might have taken a sharp intake of breath as well, I'm sure he knew I was happy to see him, he gave me his inocent boy smile and simply said hi.

He was wearing a top that made him look super camp, mainly because it had shiny patches to it, quite tight as well, hot! all I could think was 'Yeah... I've made out with him... that cute guy stood right there, yep him THAT ONE! I can pull something that hot!'

He was chatting to my boss who has been a right pain in the arse about spreading the gossip about me and Rob kissing. I walked over to them to chat to Rob and I got a "Oh we were just talking about you" from my bloody boss which isn't what I want to hear when I'm already verging on creepy psycho.

Oh well, after saying I wasn't going to fall for him I think I'm tripping up and about to fall hard, which really isn't good for me, but I'll get over it.

 

[evil_danger]

Just another silly little thing that I spend obsessing over.

Basically I did people a favour by giving them a lift home from work tonight, I always do that, I’m a kind guy, I think I drive safely, I know how to drive silly, I have driven silly but I’m still in control of the car. I don’t drive like those fuckers who over take on a corner. I know I make mistakes, part of driving is making mistakes, pulling out in front of someone, we’ve all done it, but you just have to be polite about those people who do it to you, its give and take.

So yeah, I was tired, really not in the frame of mind to drop people home, but I did, thought I would have an easy night until my best friend and her boyfriend from work said, “Oh, we walked into work, could I get a lift home”. I said yeah, basically on my way, she pushed a bit by saying, “Oh, can we go to the garage (petrol station)” I said it was okay as I needed petrol anyway.

When we got there I couldn’t get petrol because they didn’t have any (how crap is that, it’s a petrol station) her boyfriend got out the car along with someone else I was giving a lift to, when they started play fighting with some of their mates, I was being quite patient I think, I revved the engine to show my desire to go. They ran back to the car yelling, “go go go” I sighed and tried to pull away, but I wasn’t paying attention and stalled. This got a major jeer from the guys outside the car, and from all my passengers.

I could just see red and thought ‘fuck this’ started my engine again and skidded away. From that point on I was being a bit stupid, accelerating hard, breaking fast, showing my frustration, even forgot to turn my lights on (my bad, but its easy done when the streets are well lit). What really pissed me off was when I come to my best friends home with her car parked outside I had her in the back seat screaming “my car, don’t hit my car!”

Now, I know the size of my car, I know I’ve only been driving 4 months, but I know if I’m going to hit something that big. She got out saying “thanks, I’m not going to say ‘thank you’ because frankly that was atrocious, I’ve never been so scared in my life, I’m appalled” kinda left me thinking to myself ‘wait, you left your car at home, asked for a lift, asked for me to go out my way yet again because you wanted a pack of fags, your boyfriend pissed about trying my patents and then you have to nerve to say that my driving was atrocious’

So I pulled away, drove just how I had been taught and dropped my other passenger’s home. Its things like that, they get to me, Its so petty, I know I was driving like a twat, I didn’t need her to tell me that, but I’ve been in the car with her, her driving isn’t that nice, I cant even look at the road when she’s driving.

I need a new policy, don’t drive people around, or to just let things slide off my back.

On a lighter note flirty banter with my straight guy Rob is going well.

 

[evil_danger]

I thought I was getting bored of this straight guy, my atention has been kinda wondering away from him, thinking about this girl I know, something could happen there, I feel an atraction, and I feel she might feel an atraction (although shes out of my league, but who believes in those anymore)

In my mind I know Rob is a lost cause, why go for someone who cant feel the same back, or at least isn't ready to feel something back, plus I dont think there is anything other than respect/basic level friendship on his part, for example he wouldn't start a conversation with me, I would have to start one with him, he wont come near me, I gotta go near him. He doesn't make the effort.

Well I had almost put him out my mind in that way until tonight, we were laughing, I told him quite a sick joke and my friend who was drunk (must of us were sober) just burst out saying "Why arn't you two together, your like the same!" we both just laughed it off, but it really threw me, and I think it threw him as well.

I need to not let Rob play on my mind, I could spend years waiting for him, and nothing would ever happen, but I could see if this is mutual atraction between me and this girl, and it could be something real, or a good time at least.

Boys who needs em?

 

[evil_danger]

Well there’s this girl I know (lets call her Fern, its not her name), okay yeah I work with her, big surprise, but she works the café side of the bar I work at so I don’t actually work with her in the strictest of senses. Well I have worked a few shifts with her behind the bar (she’s too young to serve, but she’s a glass washer/cleaner behind the bar so we get to talk allot).

Well anyway we’ve been getting quite close, we have this kinda bully joking relationship where we insult each other, then have a laugh about it, nothing too nasty, all in good humour. Then we also have this defensive relationship where if there is a joke being said at the expense of the other one we kinda step in to defend the other. Kind of like its okay to point fun at each other, but no one else can. A good example was when one of her friends saw me and was bitching about how men are pigs, Fern says “yeah but not Chris, hes not like that” as she ran up to me to give me a big (and quite long) hug. Then I defended her from one of our joint friends when he was laughing at her, I stood infant of her and jokingly yelled at him, kinda like her night in shining armour.

We also hug quite a bit, I start most of them, but she does her fair share I guess. One of my friends told me we make a cute couple, then I said “well actually I think I might want us to be” and they recommended I actually ask her out on a date. I think it would be good to pluck up the courage to ask Fern out.

There are just as many reasons not to ask her out though, first of all, she’s 16, making her 4 years younger than me, although in the United Kingdom that is fine and legal, its still off putting, omg she was born in the 90’s that’s just weird.

Then there’s the fact were completely different, she doesn’t like my taste in music, I don’t like hers, I’m far to ‘nice’ for her, she’s a bit of a biker chick (minus the bike) and I’m just a indie/nerd kinda guy I guess. Although we over lap in music tastes somewhat it’s still more of a compromise.

Then there’s the fact that she’s got a harmless teenage stalker, that doesn’t bother me so much, but its messed up. She’s also got a 40 year old married guy who wants to sleep with her, who would happily beat the crap out of me in a attempt to win her over.

While these are really minor problems it still makes me think maybe its not worth the hassle, maybe I’m just developing a crush on her to help me get over Rob the straight guy who snogged me. Or maybe I’m just coming up with these excuses cos I know she will reject me like everyone else has done recently, or maybe I’m just scared it might work out and it would mean a real change in lifestyle.

I dunno, I should just see where its all going.

 

[evil_danger]

Hehe, went out drinking, something I dont normally do, working in a bar its kinda a put off really. I went drinking with my best friend, ended up at my work place, danced a bit, which I suck at cos I dont have the confidence, just kinda waved my drunken body around.

Well I went to the bar and blew a kiss to one of my good friends who was working, and this guy who was clearly joking and taking the piss said "hey, I want one!" and I just replied "oh really?, I dont think so mate" expecting him to laugh it off, instead he got his lips ready, I started to move closer and my friend yanked me away.

I stumbled away as she practically dragged me outside "He was interested!" is all I could say with a kinda shocked tone to my voice. Of course I was pissed out my head and I cant even remember his face, but it was still fun!

 

[evil_danger]

How do you know if someone likes you if you have only ever spoken to them through a stupid social networking site?

I think I'm falling for this guy I met through a social site, we both have the same views on life, love and sexuality although other than that we have quite different intrests. Hes more music and fitness, I'm more art and video games.

Anyway thats not the point, is there anyway to know how he feels. We message each other allot, well once a day kinda, but its posts that are over an A4 size sheet.

I wanna ask him out, but I dunno if what I think could turn into a relationship he thinks is just a developing friendship.

Do I just say "hey, where is this going?" and watch him run for the hills or wait for him to ask me that.

He lives near me so meeting up is a real possibility... Ugh why cant it be easy to find a relationship.

 

[evil_danger]

Okay I don’t know if any one actually really reads this or cares about it, but it helps me to just get it out there, without the pain of annoying people with a thread.

So this guy I met online, well I invited him out for a drink so he questioned in what capacity I meant. I said something along the lines of "I like you yada yada yada, maybe more than a friend blah blah" And I think the word date got thrown in for good measure. Hehe, I'm stupid. I think I might have scared him off, he was kinda flattered but now the posts have stopped. I didn't even get a happy birthday post, which really hurt.

I think I've got my answer. Okay so I know you don’t have to talk to someone EVERY DAY! But one message to say happy birthday, even from a friend that isn't much to ask.

Tsk Tsk, oh well, life goes on, just another example of me crushing on someone only to get hurt.

On a lighter note my lil cousin had her baby this afternoon, on my birthday. I feel a bit lets down which is selfish, but I can’t compete with my grandparents’ first great grandchild. Although typical for my grandmother, she was there for the baby’s birth, I went to pick her up and one of the nurses said “oh, you must be the grandson who’s birthday it is, that’s a bit special isn’t it” so I know I was being spoken about hehe!

See life goes on.

 

[evil_danger]

"The Cake Is a Lie"

A visual quote from the portal video game about a girl being lead through maze, promised cake upon completion. Actually the cake is a lie and she faces death upon completion.

I just love the quote, its cute but sinister at the same time, plus you can relate it to a whole heap of other junk too.

"Love Is a Lie"

Would be my interpretation, life of course being the 'maze'. You live your life, doing certain challenges in the hope of finding someone to spend the rest of your life with, to work through the challenges together. When you've never felt love for another human being outside your family it can be hard to think that maybe it exists. You see everyone out their happy and in love and it can be easy to think "that is a lie"

I know more people who have fallen into relationships than I know single people. I don't know why I place so much emphasis on it though, I mean I "dont need another half to make me whole" but at the same time, I've spent 21 years alone... well there was that 6 month blip where I was actually a 'couple' with someone but that didn't last. I just want somebody to love and somebody to love me.

Love is not a lie, love being easy clearly is.

 

[evil_danger]

I just got rejected in the sweetest way ever!

Okay so I’ve been drinking, which explains why I’m posting this, but I felt like sharing how I just got rejected in quite a sweet way.

Well I’ve been close with this guy before, snogging, groping but nothing more than over the sweater action. And we’ve even fallen out over it before… I assumed we were more than what he thought it was.

Well tonight was no different… only we were both drunk and I was throwing myself at him.

To cut a long story short, after a bit of tonsil tennis, he said something along the lines of “Why are you interested in my, I’m dirty… I smoke, drink and sleep with anyone who’s interested, You’re so much better than that, why do you want me?”

I just said that he shouldn’t have such a low opinion, I don’t care what sort of person he is, I know he has a good heart.

He said that if things were different he would want to be with me, but I laughed and told him that was the drink talking, told me off for saying that, but I have proof it was the drink talking from previous encounters. Anyway I’m pretty much just the same as him; I have no interest in him other than quick shag. He’s actually hurt me in the past so any romantic ideas I might have had with him are over. He’s still sexy though.

Anyway I got my Christmas kiss… quite a few Christmas kisses off of him so I’m happy… slightly chapped lips but still quite happy… and turned on… which is a problem but happy none the less.

Anyway I need sleep. Merry Christmas!

 

[evil_danger]

I'm not being negative, but I am going to spend the rest of my life alone... I just have to accept that. I've tried to fight it.

I've tried to meet people either through friends or just in the real world, no one is interested. The best that got me was a stupid boy who winds me up and makes me feel I'm not good enough.

I've tried online dating, the best that got me was a married closet case who used me to get himself off.

I've tried to change myself, but that doesn't work, I cant physically and mentally I'm me and thats all there is too it.

I thought this would be my year of love, I spent new years eve in the company of a boy who I really like, but who doesn't feel the same about me, someone who isn't above playing mind games to make me jealous of him.

It could be my year of love it has only just started after all, but I'm fed up with it all. We get told to belive there is someone out there for you, but what if there just isn't anyone out there who will ever quite love you for yourself. What if your "soulmate" doesn't exist. I cant believe that anyone is unlovable, but maybe I just have to accept that I am.

Of course this isn't a negative rant, just a bit of a eye opener for me. I dont care if I sound like a wingy brat, and you can tell me all you like that I need to "get out there" been there done that its not worked. There's only someone out there for you if you fit in with the modern Idea of sexy, or you're lucky enough to find someone who does think you're sexy. I'm not sexy and I'm not lucky!