I haven't really posted on here in a long time and just wanted to reach out and see if I could get some advice. This is kind of a continuation of an old post of mine.
I had been dating someone for almost three years and recently some stuff led to him calling it off abruptly. We did have a small break last year around February due to some personal issues but resolved it pretty fast, within like a month. Recently, right before he called it off, he had been dealing with some stuff relating to his divorce (this has been an ongoing thing for about 7 years so nothing new to me) and it caused a lot of anxiety and frankly he kind of freaked out. During this time at one point he asked me if I was spying on him for his ex-wife (I am not), told me he didn't want to talk to me at one point (this lasted about a day), and eventually just asked that I stay away from him for a little while (we don't live together but were working on this, technically he doesn't have his own place and thus we had decided to wait until everything got situated, he also lives about an hour and a half away and I would see him almost every weekend and sometimes during the week). After this occurred for a few weeks is when he called it off, this was like mid May. We continued talking like normal at this point, which was basically all the freaking time, and updating each other on stuff. Well there was a camping trip coming up in a group we are in that we usually go together and he kept reminding me and wanting me to go, about a week before this trip took place I developed about three styes in one eye and could barely see and I was worried about getting there and being in a river with it, so I didn't go. After he got back, conversation basically just ceased to a few comments a day and more than anything just him replying to something I would say to him. A couple days later a guy that he knows (and that he had messed around with a lot with last year when we were not technically together) posted about enjoying camping, so basically my ex invited this guy when I couldn't go. This happened about 5 weeks ago. Well since that time I just kept trying to hint that I knew he was seeing someone and just kind of asking what was going on, but with the real lack of communication nothing was ever said. We had a trip coming up late September that he had been mentioning we could still do and I invited him on a small weekend trip I was taking a few weeks ago, this prompted him to finally admitting that he was seeing the guy and also couldn't go on the trip in September. He said they were taking it slow and not really defining anything and just seeing how it went. Truthfully, this really had me upset for a while because this was a guy I felt like he cheated on me with and he even said at the time that it was just sex. I kind of felt like he had been lying when he was still mentioning going on the trip in September.
Fast forward to yesterday/this upcoming weekend. There was another camping trip planned (which i was a big part of planning) and he made it clear that he was bringing the guy again and mentioned a few times that he really wanted to see me and everything. Okay, cool. So we get there yesterday and I showed up about two hours before they did and set up my stuff. They showed up and it was just weird, my ex was drinking (he hadn't done this for about a year), was vaping (made a big deal a while back about not doing this anymore either), and just acting odd. The new guy was doing all of these things as well. Last night I talked to him privately and just kind of asked what happened with us and I just wanted some closure. We talked about him just having concerns and comparing me to stuff his ex-wife did but said he couldn't give specifics, the only thing that I've ever heard about her were very negative so this made me feel like crap. He also talked about just the distance and I reminded him that this was something we had decided on waiting due to his divorce and seeing what was going on with his housing. It was at this point that the new guy interrupted a few times just talking about how he feels like a third wheel (which was true) and we just told him that it would be more awkward if he was involved. Well we stopped talking for a bit and eventually went to our separate tents. They were talking loudly about stuff and I just made a comment that I could just leave, prompting them to come in my tent to continue talking. The new guy made sure to basically insert himself in every part of the conversation we were having. This wasn't working. This guy also made a comment about how he was worried about the trip as my ex told him that he had invited me (I actually invited my ex due to being part of the group) and I quickly corrected him. There were a few other comments made about stuff that my ex said that weren't necessarily relayed correctly that I explained as well. One of these, which I shouldn't have said, was just mentioning that he only went on the last camping trip because I wasn't there, he did not seem to like this. The guy also mentioned that he is at my ex's house everyday, which is weird considering he had told me that they only saw each other occasionally and were going slow. I feel like we kind of reached an understanding and eventually went back to separate tents and time for bed.
I did not sleep well (I could hear him snoring from the other tent and it made me miss sleeping with him) and eventually just got up this morning and started packing my stuff. They come out of the tent and we just discuss it and I just explain that it is too awkward to do and I cannot be there with both of them. Understandable. My ex was a little hesitant on me leaving but since other guy didn't care it just ended up with nothing being said, if it was even going to be. I pack my stuff and we work on making breakfast, I said I would leave after this. We are just sitting around making idle chit chat and the other dude walks over and lays down on his hammock removing himself from the vicinity. So me and my ex just talk about how everything is going, nothing major. Eventually the guy gets up and walks down a little trail in the woods. I make a comment about it and my ex goes and talks to him, apparently the guy felt awkward again like we were leaving him out. At this point we had finished eating so I just went over to leave. My ex came by, we talked a little bit about just feeling and stuff and how if he ever needed anything I would work on being there and just letting him know that I did still have a lot of feelings and he said he did too. He cried a little bit as I talked to him but nothing more. I told him before I left that I would not continue to try and reach out and that this was pretty much done on my end due to how he was treating it, he said he would try and be friends but I figured with the new guy that this would not be happening.
I know the story was lengthy but I am just confused and lost. This was a guy that was basically everything I had and talked to for almost 3 years and he just up and stopped. There were some comments from him after breaking up about working on things but it felt like almost instantly jumping in another relationship, with a guy that he really has NOTHING in common with aside from sex. (I know this may be confusing but while talking last night we talked about movies and shows and me and my ex have very similar taste but he was talking about shows and movies that we would never watch and stuff that he does that is not our forte.) There were some small things in the relationship we did, like general things like good morning and good night and even sending each other pictures after we were done working out and just talking about how we did, all of this stopped. I did see on new guys phone that he had a picture of my ex as his screensaver very clearly taken after working out. I just feel like he has taken this guy and replaced me in every little thing we had together and this is upsetting to me, I feel like there was so much stuff like camping we did together that now this new guy goes and I don't really know how to handle it and I told him that I would not be returning. The other things that bothered me were the vague comparisons to his ex-wife as well as just the comments about not living together (even though as I explained before this was a very mutual decision at this time but we were doing things to work on it).
I just feel like at this point there is no grieving period from him and it just makes me wonder about the feelings that were shared and if they were even real from him. It was about two months before he moved on and this just threw me off as it wasn't like anything had really even changed as we were still communicating just as frequently and planning things to do. He also has two older children that live with him that I enjoyed spending time with, he had mentioned once that this was something he liked about me, and it makes me feel like I actually lost three people. I asked about his kids interactions and the guy and he said they have met a few times as the guy goes to his house a lot but they don't really interact.
I just don't know how to move on and I'm just worried that I will be sitting here waiting for months seeing if he will come back. I know I shouldn't but I just have hopes that some of the comments I made get through to him and he realizes that our relationship is important and gives it another try. I know this is a very long shot as it did end and he did ultimately decide to move on but I just kind of wanted him to see that I think working through things and not just running away. I am hoping that when he gets back from camping on Sunday or Monday he does try reaching out, there's no service at the campground and its about a 30 min drive to get it so no chance there. I was a little hopeful that he would just call it off and leave as well but that clearly didn't happen. Should I just take it as a sign that he didn't even really try and stop me as a sign that he doesn't really care anymore and stop hoping for more?
I am just worried that if that was the end of our conversation how I should move on. I know everyone says go out and do things/meet people but this isn't me. It's gonna be hard for a while for me to really try to engage with anyone and refrain from reaching out to him myself and just being disappointed.
Sorry, I didn't realize how upset I was as the relationship has been rocky at some points and there were times in the first year that I had doubts that it would continue. More recently is when it really started taking off after we had our small problem last year and I thought we were doing good and I was really investing in it. Initially I figured that eventually if it did end, as lots of relationships have a tendency to do, that it would be amicable and go over well, I think just the nature of what happened and him jumping right into another with someone that caused some problems in the past is what is effecting me. I kind of feel disrespected by that and the fact that there are things I enjoyed that I feel like I cannot enjoy anymore due to him having this new guy around. (Before you say just make new friends with others there, there are only a few people in this group and there's usually not a way to just do something with a different part of the group).
I did leave him with some stuff that I bought him, a t-shirt and sand from a vacation i took and told him I would bring, a coffee cup that I thought he would like, and some candy that I bought for him and never gave. (this was all stuff that we had discussed him getting so it's not like I was trying to buy him off and I had no real use for it). One thing I did give him was something meaningful to me at least. A little while before I first met him I 3-d printed off this little coin thing from Tomorrowland and just started carrying it around. I met him pretty fast after this and just through everything I kept the coin on me and would always take it out and rub it when I was worried about us and I eventually just started seeing it as a sign of us being together. He said he had seen it before and I mentioned to him what it really represented to me, some little plastic like coin and it was something that I felt gave me hope that we would be together. I gave this to him and told him he could do whatever he wanted with it but just that it had a lot of meaning to me and our relationship, he acted kind of like this was important when he took it from me. He put it in his pocket, I know I shouldn't think about it because he's probably going to lose it or throw it away within a week but I felt he should know that I had a lot of faith in what we had. This coin did mean a lot to me and I just felt that he should have it as a reminder.
So, thoughts/comments or just general questions about anything? I am in my thirties and he is in his forties. There were minor disagreements but I feel like we worked past them well and figured stuff out. The housing situation is that he is technically living in his ex-wife's house that she abandoned and he's trying to get in the divorce, she really messed up the house bad and he decided to let her live in the one he had and take that one. She still wants it back and frankly is entitled to it as he already said it was hers when he initially left. He is basically living in the basement which is a few bedrooms and bathrooms, the kitchen is not usable and thus there is not really a place for anyone to live there. Divorce is coming up beginning of September and I do have doubts that he will get it. We were initially working on redoing the basement to make it livable but held off when the divorce started picking back up and there were concerns on who was going to get the house, so basically we were just waiting. And for anyone interested in the thing that caused us problems last year, I live with a guy in a pretty dead relationship that I have been working on getting out of. I am financially able to support myself but we talked about waiting until the house stuff got figured out so that I could move in with him and save for the move and stuff we needed in the mean time. I told him about this last year and this lead to our issue for a little while before working through it and deciding what to do. See my previous post from May of 2021.
I did previously post about that stuff last year and got a few comments about me just leaving, which I should have done. I know that the decisions we made concerning waiting is what lead to this and it just has me somewhat confused. I should have seen the signs when he called it off that he would start seeing people pretty immediately but with us still talking I thought we were also going to get some time to work on things. With the divorce finally coming up in September (it's been literally taking forever) I just feel cheated at my chance of happiness with this guy. This was going to finally give us the chance to actually work on being together all the time and he gave up right before it.
I had been dating someone for almost three years and recently some stuff led to him calling it off abruptly. We did have a small break last year around February due to some personal issues but resolved it pretty fast, within like a month. Recently, right before he called it off, he had been dealing with some stuff relating to his divorce (this has been an ongoing thing for about 7 years so nothing new to me) and it caused a lot of anxiety and frankly he kind of freaked out. During this time at one point he asked me if I was spying on him for his ex-wife (I am not), told me he didn't want to talk to me at one point (this lasted about a day), and eventually just asked that I stay away from him for a little while (we don't live together but were working on this, technically he doesn't have his own place and thus we had decided to wait until everything got situated, he also lives about an hour and a half away and I would see him almost every weekend and sometimes during the week). After this occurred for a few weeks is when he called it off, this was like mid May. We continued talking like normal at this point, which was basically all the freaking time, and updating each other on stuff. Well there was a camping trip coming up in a group we are in that we usually go together and he kept reminding me and wanting me to go, about a week before this trip took place I developed about three styes in one eye and could barely see and I was worried about getting there and being in a river with it, so I didn't go. After he got back, conversation basically just ceased to a few comments a day and more than anything just him replying to something I would say to him. A couple days later a guy that he knows (and that he had messed around with a lot with last year when we were not technically together) posted about enjoying camping, so basically my ex invited this guy when I couldn't go. This happened about 5 weeks ago. Well since that time I just kept trying to hint that I knew he was seeing someone and just kind of asking what was going on, but with the real lack of communication nothing was ever said. We had a trip coming up late September that he had been mentioning we could still do and I invited him on a small weekend trip I was taking a few weeks ago, this prompted him to finally admitting that he was seeing the guy and also couldn't go on the trip in September. He said they were taking it slow and not really defining anything and just seeing how it went. Truthfully, this really had me upset for a while because this was a guy I felt like he cheated on me with and he even said at the time that it was just sex. I kind of felt like he had been lying when he was still mentioning going on the trip in September.
Fast forward to yesterday/this upcoming weekend. There was another camping trip planned (which i was a big part of planning) and he made it clear that he was bringing the guy again and mentioned a few times that he really wanted to see me and everything. Okay, cool. So we get there yesterday and I showed up about two hours before they did and set up my stuff. They showed up and it was just weird, my ex was drinking (he hadn't done this for about a year), was vaping (made a big deal a while back about not doing this anymore either), and just acting odd. The new guy was doing all of these things as well. Last night I talked to him privately and just kind of asked what happened with us and I just wanted some closure. We talked about him just having concerns and comparing me to stuff his ex-wife did but said he couldn't give specifics, the only thing that I've ever heard about her were very negative so this made me feel like crap. He also talked about just the distance and I reminded him that this was something we had decided on waiting due to his divorce and seeing what was going on with his housing. It was at this point that the new guy interrupted a few times just talking about how he feels like a third wheel (which was true) and we just told him that it would be more awkward if he was involved. Well we stopped talking for a bit and eventually went to our separate tents. They were talking loudly about stuff and I just made a comment that I could just leave, prompting them to come in my tent to continue talking. The new guy made sure to basically insert himself in every part of the conversation we were having. This wasn't working. This guy also made a comment about how he was worried about the trip as my ex told him that he had invited me (I actually invited my ex due to being part of the group) and I quickly corrected him. There were a few other comments made about stuff that my ex said that weren't necessarily relayed correctly that I explained as well. One of these, which I shouldn't have said, was just mentioning that he only went on the last camping trip because I wasn't there, he did not seem to like this. The guy also mentioned that he is at my ex's house everyday, which is weird considering he had told me that they only saw each other occasionally and were going slow. I feel like we kind of reached an understanding and eventually went back to separate tents and time for bed.
I did not sleep well (I could hear him snoring from the other tent and it made me miss sleeping with him) and eventually just got up this morning and started packing my stuff. They come out of the tent and we just discuss it and I just explain that it is too awkward to do and I cannot be there with both of them. Understandable. My ex was a little hesitant on me leaving but since other guy didn't care it just ended up with nothing being said, if it was even going to be. I pack my stuff and we work on making breakfast, I said I would leave after this. We are just sitting around making idle chit chat and the other dude walks over and lays down on his hammock removing himself from the vicinity. So me and my ex just talk about how everything is going, nothing major. Eventually the guy gets up and walks down a little trail in the woods. I make a comment about it and my ex goes and talks to him, apparently the guy felt awkward again like we were leaving him out. At this point we had finished eating so I just went over to leave. My ex came by, we talked a little bit about just feeling and stuff and how if he ever needed anything I would work on being there and just letting him know that I did still have a lot of feelings and he said he did too. He cried a little bit as I talked to him but nothing more. I told him before I left that I would not continue to try and reach out and that this was pretty much done on my end due to how he was treating it, he said he would try and be friends but I figured with the new guy that this would not be happening.
I know the story was lengthy but I am just confused and lost. This was a guy that was basically everything I had and talked to for almost 3 years and he just up and stopped. There were some comments from him after breaking up about working on things but it felt like almost instantly jumping in another relationship, with a guy that he really has NOTHING in common with aside from sex. (I know this may be confusing but while talking last night we talked about movies and shows and me and my ex have very similar taste but he was talking about shows and movies that we would never watch and stuff that he does that is not our forte.) There were some small things in the relationship we did, like general things like good morning and good night and even sending each other pictures after we were done working out and just talking about how we did, all of this stopped. I did see on new guys phone that he had a picture of my ex as his screensaver very clearly taken after working out. I just feel like he has taken this guy and replaced me in every little thing we had together and this is upsetting to me, I feel like there was so much stuff like camping we did together that now this new guy goes and I don't really know how to handle it and I told him that I would not be returning. The other things that bothered me were the vague comparisons to his ex-wife as well as just the comments about not living together (even though as I explained before this was a very mutual decision at this time but we were doing things to work on it).
I just feel like at this point there is no grieving period from him and it just makes me wonder about the feelings that were shared and if they were even real from him. It was about two months before he moved on and this just threw me off as it wasn't like anything had really even changed as we were still communicating just as frequently and planning things to do. He also has two older children that live with him that I enjoyed spending time with, he had mentioned once that this was something he liked about me, and it makes me feel like I actually lost three people. I asked about his kids interactions and the guy and he said they have met a few times as the guy goes to his house a lot but they don't really interact.
I just don't know how to move on and I'm just worried that I will be sitting here waiting for months seeing if he will come back. I know I shouldn't but I just have hopes that some of the comments I made get through to him and he realizes that our relationship is important and gives it another try. I know this is a very long shot as it did end and he did ultimately decide to move on but I just kind of wanted him to see that I think working through things and not just running away. I am hoping that when he gets back from camping on Sunday or Monday he does try reaching out, there's no service at the campground and its about a 30 min drive to get it so no chance there. I was a little hopeful that he would just call it off and leave as well but that clearly didn't happen. Should I just take it as a sign that he didn't even really try and stop me as a sign that he doesn't really care anymore and stop hoping for more?
I am just worried that if that was the end of our conversation how I should move on. I know everyone says go out and do things/meet people but this isn't me. It's gonna be hard for a while for me to really try to engage with anyone and refrain from reaching out to him myself and just being disappointed.
Sorry, I didn't realize how upset I was as the relationship has been rocky at some points and there were times in the first year that I had doubts that it would continue. More recently is when it really started taking off after we had our small problem last year and I thought we were doing good and I was really investing in it. Initially I figured that eventually if it did end, as lots of relationships have a tendency to do, that it would be amicable and go over well, I think just the nature of what happened and him jumping right into another with someone that caused some problems in the past is what is effecting me. I kind of feel disrespected by that and the fact that there are things I enjoyed that I feel like I cannot enjoy anymore due to him having this new guy around. (Before you say just make new friends with others there, there are only a few people in this group and there's usually not a way to just do something with a different part of the group).
I did leave him with some stuff that I bought him, a t-shirt and sand from a vacation i took and told him I would bring, a coffee cup that I thought he would like, and some candy that I bought for him and never gave. (this was all stuff that we had discussed him getting so it's not like I was trying to buy him off and I had no real use for it). One thing I did give him was something meaningful to me at least. A little while before I first met him I 3-d printed off this little coin thing from Tomorrowland and just started carrying it around. I met him pretty fast after this and just through everything I kept the coin on me and would always take it out and rub it when I was worried about us and I eventually just started seeing it as a sign of us being together. He said he had seen it before and I mentioned to him what it really represented to me, some little plastic like coin and it was something that I felt gave me hope that we would be together. I gave this to him and told him he could do whatever he wanted with it but just that it had a lot of meaning to me and our relationship, he acted kind of like this was important when he took it from me. He put it in his pocket, I know I shouldn't think about it because he's probably going to lose it or throw it away within a week but I felt he should know that I had a lot of faith in what we had. This coin did mean a lot to me and I just felt that he should have it as a reminder.
So, thoughts/comments or just general questions about anything? I am in my thirties and he is in his forties. There were minor disagreements but I feel like we worked past them well and figured stuff out. The housing situation is that he is technically living in his ex-wife's house that she abandoned and he's trying to get in the divorce, she really messed up the house bad and he decided to let her live in the one he had and take that one. She still wants it back and frankly is entitled to it as he already said it was hers when he initially left. He is basically living in the basement which is a few bedrooms and bathrooms, the kitchen is not usable and thus there is not really a place for anyone to live there. Divorce is coming up beginning of September and I do have doubts that he will get it. We were initially working on redoing the basement to make it livable but held off when the divorce started picking back up and there were concerns on who was going to get the house, so basically we were just waiting. And for anyone interested in the thing that caused us problems last year, I live with a guy in a pretty dead relationship that I have been working on getting out of. I am financially able to support myself but we talked about waiting until the house stuff got figured out so that I could move in with him and save for the move and stuff we needed in the mean time. I told him about this last year and this lead to our issue for a little while before working through it and deciding what to do. See my previous post from May of 2021.
I did previously post about that stuff last year and got a few comments about me just leaving, which I should have done. I know that the decisions we made concerning waiting is what lead to this and it just has me somewhat confused. I should have seen the signs when he called it off that he would start seeing people pretty immediately but with us still talking I thought we were also going to get some time to work on things. With the divorce finally coming up in September (it's been literally taking forever) I just feel cheated at my chance of happiness with this guy. This was going to finally give us the chance to actually work on being together all the time and he gave up right before it.
