Exprctations and Living Alone

[MattyMoonTonight]

Is it unrealistic to be a gay man and to want a genuine, serious relationship, and not want just loveless hookups?

 

[KaraBulut]

It's not a binary choice.

 

[MattyMoonTonight]

It sure feels like it is. From my perspective being on a dozen or so forums asking the same questions and inevitably aggravating everyone, it looks more like a party culture than being part of a sexual minority.

 

[songman]

This feels like an expression of frustration, rather than a real question. Perhaps you are in a more rural area where there are fewer examples, but in Minneapolis/St. Paul (since you are from Minnesota), there are many happily partnered or married gay couples. I don't live near Minnesota, and even I happen to know one such couple personally.

I think what KaraBulut means by saying it's not a binary choice is that many committed gay couples in long-term relationships also have agreements about being able to have hookups for sexual variety. Sure, there's a very active gay party culture, and some gay men in committed relationships even participate in it from time to time, but it's certainly not the only way gay men can and do relate to one another.

So if what you're primarily asking about is whether gay men can form "genuine serious relationships", the answer is, "Yes, of course, there are thousands of examples all over." So perhaps your frustration is borne of looking in the wrong places, or perhaps being in a location where it's harder to find. That's something you can change if you want to.

 

[KaraBulut]

This feels like an expression of frustration, rather than a real question. Perhaps you are in a more rural area where there are fewer examples, but in Minneapolis/St. Paul (since you are from Minnesota), there are many happily partnered or married gay couples. I don't live near Minnesota, and even I happen to know one such couple personally.

I think what KaraBulut means by saying it's not a binary choice is that many committed gay couples in long-term relationships also have agreements about being able to have hookups for sexual variety. Sure, there's a very active gay party culture, and some gay men in committed relationships even participate in it from time to time, but it's certainly not the only way gay men can and do relate to one another.

^You read my mind.

When I moved to a big city for the first time, one thing that surprised me was how many long-term couples there were. They owned homes together. They had businesses together. They parented fur babies together and a few were raising children together.

On the opposite end of the spectrum were the fast lane gays, mostly in their 20s, who were doing exactly what their straight counterparts were doing: partying and hooking up. But even in this group, there were couples who were dating, even if they were in open relationships.

One of the nice things about not having rules is that it has allowed the LGBT community to experiment and come up with their own rules about things like monogamy and long-term relationships. We have options. We don't have parents pressuring us to get married and make grandbabies. We can take our time, control our own destiny and do what feels right to each of us.

 

[KaraBulut]

It sure feels like it is. From my perspective being on a dozen or so forums asking the same questions and inevitably aggravating everyone, it looks more like a party culture than being part of a sexual minority.

There's a problem with addiction, in the late teen and 20-something crowd. It's really bad in the LGBT community. It goes through periods where it gets better but it always comes back.

If you go out to a gay bar, you might come away with the impression that all gay people are happy and having a great time. If you go out a lot, you might come away with the impression that everyone is an alcoholic and is into the PnP scene. If you're online, you're going to encounter more single gays who are on the prowl.

The LGBT community is so diverse that it is really hard to make generalizations. From my experience, most gay people are boring and increasingly ordinary. They have jobs. They have families. Their priorities might be a little different than straight people who have to spend a lot of money on raising children but even that doesn't hold given the number of LGBT people who are raising kids these days.

 

[MattyMoonTonight]

I've lived in my hometown my entire life, a hometown of less than 300. I know for a fact I'm the only gay within 100 miles, and I can't let anyone around here know that. I don't have the time or funds to drive down to the cities just to be mocked and made fun of for being an ugly country boy.

I just can't see how people can be both their "authentic self" or have "found their tribe" and can be happy at the same time. Those two don't seem synonymous to me.

Happiness isn't realistic, it's not an emotion for adults. That's what I've learned. And over the past few years I've only seen the LGBT community just act more like a party culture than being a sexual minority.

I'm losing coherence because I am frustrated about this. These things are either unrealistic or impossible to achieve. I can't believe other people have achieved them.

 

[MattyMoonTonight]

I wanted to be the kind of person that had friends and parties and was well-liked and actually had some kind of personality, but then you learn that you have to grow up. You have to be an adult. And that means giving up on things that aren't feasible. It means making independent decisions for responsibility. And

 

[MattyMoonTonight]

People keep telling me that happiness is possible and that people can be happy, but I can't believe it. It feels like an underhanded trick.

 

[KaraBulut]

I wanted to be the kind of person that had friends and parties and was well-liked and actually had some kind of personality, but then you learn that you have to grow up. You have to be an adult. And that means giving up on things that aren't feasible. It means making independent decisions for responsibility. And

People keep telling me that happiness is possible and that people can be happy, but I can't believe it. It feels like an underhanded trick.

One of my friends who struggles with depression thinks of her depression as a hungry beast that is always wanting to be fed.

When she doesn't want to get out of bed, she knows it's because the depression wants to be fed. When friends invite her to go out with them, she goes because she knows that the beast gets fed when she stays home and doesn't socialize. When she's looking in the mirror and all she can see is how much weight she gained over the holidays or when she focuses upon her imperfections, she knows that the beast is hungry. When she's spiraling in negativity, she knows it's because the depression is really, really hungry.

On the other hand, even when she doesn't want to take her meds because of the side effects, she knows that the meds get rid of the beast's demands. When she stops listening to the negative voices in her head, she knows that the beast hates that she's not listening. When she keeps her appointment with her therapist, she knows that it helps to starve the beast.

You've identified that you're struggling with depression and a lot of what you're saying is what my friend would describe as "feeding the beast". It's really going to be up to you to eliminate the obstacles and to get the help that shuts the beast up, or at least drowns out his pleas to be fed.

 

[MattyMoonTonight]

One of my friends who struggles with depression thinks of her depression as a hungry beast that is always wanting to be fed.

When she doesn't want to get out of bed, she knows it's because the depression wants to be fed. When friends invite her to go out with them, she goes because she knows that the beast gets fed when she stays home and doesn't socialize. When she's looking in the mirror and all she can see is how much weight she gained over the holidays or when she focuses upon her imperfections, she knows that the beast is hungry. When she's spiraling in negativity, she knows it's because the depression is really, really hungry.

On the other hand, even when she doesn't want to take her meds because of the side effects, she knows that the meds get rid of the beast's demands. When she stops listening to the negative voices in her head, she knows that the beast hates that she's not listening. When she keeps her appointment with her therapist, she knows that it helps to starve the beast.

You've identified that you're struggling with depression and a lot of what you're saying is what my friend would describe as "feeding the beast". It's really going to be up to you to eliminate the obstacles and to get the help that shuts the beast up, or at least drowns out his pleas to be fed.

Yes, I'm understanding that. I'm learning that the more I understand it, the less I want to try to change; it's easier to gripe and argue that the world isn't fair, the world is ugly, and the reason I am where I am now is because of my own actions (or inaction). Over the past couple days, I've been trying to change my self-image and my perspective on the LGBT community, which I know is already a bit skewed. It's very slow going, but I'm trying.