Extremily confused.

[Mattiait]

I need help…..
I never know how to say this but, well, at first:
I’m from a very small town, so small that everyone here knows each other since little kids, and most of families are very traditional(whats kindda common in small cities in my country).
I started living in other countries since I was very young..did high school in another country and college in other one… since I was a little kid I knew I was different, from like 12/13 I knew I didn’t get crazy about woman like all my friends, but I figured it was because I was so young…but it grew worse every year, and then I knew I was gay,
nobody would guess it, im just like all the man around here, a lot of people look up to me like the guy who travels a lot and had a bunch of girlfriends(wich I never liked that much and never had the guts to introduce them to my family, to don’t complicate things if I ever decided to come out).
The problem is, this last country I lived, I fell really in love for the first time, the guy was straight, had no clue I was gay…he lived with me, and it got stronger everyday, to the point I would give up anything just to be with him, we would talk about girls like I do with any friends..but that would just brake me inside..bit by bit..a lot of times he was so sad and I couldn’t do anything, hug or nothing…cuz he thought I was straight..a lot of times I thought about telling him, but just the thought of not having him at least as a friend would make my whole day worse….i didn’t know what to do…didn’t believe in this kind of stuff since I never felt for a girl I didn’t really thought I would fall for anyone…it went like this for 2 whole years, everyday it made me worse….at the end I left, and I think it was the first time I truly accepted I am gay.
but I always keep fooling myself that I didn’t find a good girl, or maybe in the future….but I am just attracted to men(never had any kind of experience with man thought).
recently a guy in my town came out as gay, people acted cool but when he was not around everyone, even his closest friends, threated him so bad…his family is now labeled as the family of the fag..
and I know my family would accept me, but im just afraid how people will treat them, and I don’t want them to go trought it because of me.
I figure I might move again, be myself and no one in this town ever needs to know…but im so tired of lieing to them….i cant anymore….i already thought of so many ways of telling them..but all the time they do something that keeps me from doing it…like little jokes on “fags” and telling how disgusting it is…I know they don’t feel like that but this is just whats socially accepted to say…
I know this text is a mess, and my English is not that great…..but I don’t even know a person that’s gay…im like the only one facing this, and I don’t want to forever be with a girl I don’t love or fall for a guy in secret and have myself crushed every single day……I’m just so sick of lieing….

 

[biguy412]

listen this is all i have to say ... "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind dont matter and those who matter dont mind." this is a quote from Dr. Seuss of all people but the one i live by every single day

 

[jensu846]

i had a crush on my ultra-straight best friend for years. he would even say negative things about gay people. (he said he never had any close gay friends)he didnt know i was gay. we would go to Vegas & share a room & a bed several times (just to sleep) cuz it was cheaper with 4people in a room. I couldnt keep this secret any longer & I told him last year that i was gay. he said he kind of knew anyway & said he was my best friend for a reason & it had nothing to do with sex. I was so afraid he was gonna ditch me or something, but he supported me 100% .. I even got him to go to 2 gay bars in Vegas & when one guy approached him to dance, my friend said that he was with me! I was so proud of him. Anyway, you should tell your crush, for your own sanity. You will feel better & you might be surprised.. good luck!

 

[Mattiait]

Thanks guys, it helped a lot.
i just wrote a whole email to him..i looked stupid like a high school kid, i just got drunk and sent it...so there is no excuse or nothing i can do to stop it now..he will read it anyways....and nothing can happen anyways cuz now we live in reeally far away and opposite countries..but at least i took this out of my chest...i feel numb...but im quite sure i will be relieved really soon...
thanks

 

[Lube]

Somebody has to be the pioneer. If no one ever came out, we wouldn't have progressed as far as we have.

I applaud you for finally accepting yourself as gay (hooray!) and it's great that you are tired of lying. But see what it does? By staying in the closet you have to go along with those "friends" in your hometown who make fun of that out gay guy. By being in the closet, you are contributing to the problem

Come out to your parents. If people make fun of them, so what? People will gossip about anything--if it's not because you're gay, then it's because your sister is ugly or your uncle is cheating or whatever. That's part of life. It's part of growing up.

 

[Mattiait]

this is so weird..i just came out to my mom.
i knew she would be ok, but i couldnt ever picture it... i just sad: mom i need to talk to you...then out of nowhere i started to cry and couldnt say anything, she got worried and wanted to know why i wouldnt stop crying..so i had no other way out but to tell her.
she was extremily ok with it, hugged me and said she love me no matter what, and that it doesnt change anything and all...and..man was i surprised...she started to cry but not because of it.
i learned a cousin of mine is also gay, and he tried to suicide once, and nobody in the family knows it(my mom is kindda like the mentor of everyone in the family), she just said she is glad i never did something like that, and that my uncle is also gay(what explains a lot since he is 50 and never had a girlfriend), and that she didnt want me to turn out like him..a very bitter and lonely person who never lived exatly, she just said she was crying because life will be harder for me..and i just answered:
- it was always hard mom, i cant imagine it will ever be harder than it was, the worse is over, you have no idea how strong i am.
she just hugged me again and told she never realized(im not effeminated or anything like that, i dont have just friends that are girl, in fact my best friends are straight guys).

she got quite during the day, and went early to sleep(whats ok, i mean, its a big shock, i would even figure her in some kind of depression or so but she is taking it extremily fine)....so now slowly i will need to tell my dad and sister and its over..im officially out to the people i want to.

and me?
well..i thought i would regret it, and be ashamed of it and it would be like hell to know my moms know it...but its so....surreal....i feel lighter, like for the first time in my life i am me......but...really me.

 

[krfflyer]

Congratulations, .....Really, Big Congrats. And the best of luck in the future, however the cards fall.....

 

[Audio Tech]

but its so....surreal....i feel lighter, like for the first time in my life i am me......but...really me.

I think most of us know that exact feeling. I know I sure do! There's nothing better than being.... YOU.

Congratulations!!!

 

[ucfknight12]

Congratulations! You took the biggest step that all of us have to take Just be who you are and everything will fall into place!

 

[Mattiait]

Thanks all, well its being hard actually, im living here at home until next month(im on vacations here) and i am living the "mourning" part of it all..
i also told my dad, who actually took even better than my mom did.
althought i never saw him cry and this was the first time in my whole life.
and basecally my mom just watchs tv now and my dad eithers kills time with the worldcup or work even more than he is supposed to....
i know it will pass....and they assured all the " we love you and will be always here for you ALWAYS" ...that kindda ads to the pain of having to make them sad.
but i know it will pass...all in life passes, maybe in some years we will even look back at it and laught.

anyways, thanks a lot you all...since i dont know any gay person and nobody outside of my family knows you are the only source of suport i have...