..Failing College

[gdude30]

Nothing ever seems to go right anymore. I know this is not forever. But the time while it lasts is painful.

What went wrong?

Crap.

After all the people I've met and after all the warnings I've got and after all the years of preparation for college it comes to this. I always knew I'd fail college and that someone like me wasn't meant for college. But I don't know. Senior year of college seemed to bring out a radical change in me. It showed glimpses of what I could really do. And I was able to do awesome senior year and I had fun. Even though I really diddn't have friends. Am I really not meant to have friends? Is my way of thinking so troublesome that it keeps me from having friends? But that's not true. I do have some friends..just some that aren't my age. Why can't I connect to someone on my age level. Is my wavelength really different from theirs. I am the same age of them. But why can't I connect?

It's because I have failed to make connections here. I've been isolated in this dorm room the whole time. This room feels like prison, hell, and defeat. But it also feels familiar and I'm growing too familar with it.

But why can't I fight it? Why can't I just curse this damn room and leave it and go somewhere else. Does it draw me in?

Why do I have to be so incomplete. I swear I felt a change in me at gay days. Like I was actually learning, growing, and realizing who I am. But that was all haltered and it left me feeling incomplete again. Is someone like me really meant for college and school? But if I'm not meant for that then what am I meant for?

The thing that pisses me off like hell is that this shit is so fucking easy, genetics, fys, philosophy, english, and pe. But i dropped PE because my body is a stubborn bitch that diddn't wanna wake up, and with english I did not have the will to get out of bed sometimes so I missed too many days.

My body is having more control of me then anything.

I can't believe i'm fucking failing genetics. All we do is take notes, do a project, and test. But I haven't been able to make it class in 2 days because either my body refused to wake up and listen to the alarm or I woke up feeling like my mind was in 2 different realms and I couldn't leave the false one and wake up to reality? Was it to painful to leave, was I looking for insight, why couldn't I take control?

Have I lost my will?

I can't really rest my mind anymore. I might have been able to in the past but not anymore. I can sleep at night though. Because I get so fed up with this shit now that I just sleep to try to forget about.

I don't..fight it anymore.

I don't fight anymore. Have I completely given up or submitted?

I used to fight with myself all night trying to reflect, solve, and resolve things and I refused to sleep until I had it resolved so that way I could wake up a little more complete. But that caused me to sleep during my classes which ended up in me having to drop two and failing some now.

I can't believe how far I've fallen. I was basically a loser and a nobody in middle school through high school. Somehow I fought through all the bullies, I fought through the negative thoughts, and was able to realize what i was capable of regardless of what people thought of me and because I was able to do so I did outstanding senior year and even got an award. Right now at my past high school the teachers know I'm failing and they are wondering, "Why?"

Stupid sister told them. They are wondering why their system diddn't work. Most kids go off and do great in college. But i'm sure some have problems through it.

I almost would rather get addicted to drugs, drinking, or something else. At least that would be more a plausible excuse

"I failed college because I got high, cause I got high"

Instead of

"I failed college because I lost faith, because I lost faith"

Faith?

What does that mean to me anyways?

Why can't I pick myself up right now

I know I'm not alone with this. But I don't know others or at least around me that feel like I do. So that makes an illusion that I am alone and that makes things worse. I wish illusions weren't so powerful. Why can't I see the truth.

I can logically see the truth and everything else. But I can't feel it or truly see it with my own eyes. Why? Why can I only think of what things are think of how things should be or could be or would be but never actually feel it in my existence?

I know I'm not stupid..but in some ways I am for letting myself fall this far. I feel like even though I've been falling in this hole for so long almost unconscious I've opened my eyes wide and grabbed onto the ledge. I'm so far down. It looks so far to the top from here. Can I really climb it. But I can't stay in this neutral and closed state forever. If I don't take some action then I'll get tired and I'll have to let go and then I'll keep falling. And then it might be too late. But right now it's not too late. It's very close. But if I can bring out what I know I can do then I can climb this cliff like a motherfucker on speed and barely escape.

But that's envisioning something. Imagining. But I know it's real cause I've done it before. But why can't I do it now? Why can I only think but not act?

I don't wanna fall. I wanna get out of this fucking hole and start growing more and evolving. But I am never going to get there unless I get out of this fucking hole. And even though I've escaped it in the past I keep falling in it. And each time I fall farther and farther.

I'm tired of it. Stupid hole.

But that's all I can really do right now. Is make talk. Nothing to back it up with. It doesn't matter how much I want it. I can't grasp it in my reach and take hold of it. I can't take control.

Even someone who can help me. I've been to much of a coward to go to even check and see if he is there. Because the fear takes over me and controls me. What the hell kind of person is controlled by fear. I can't believe I'm like this now. I only do things that benefit me or think I can be benefited by. I'm so selfish.

Blocks? Blocks that are in my way? Blocks that I've made. Internal blocks that tell me I can't do this and that. Low self confidence? These blocks Who the fuck made them? Was it really me? I made these blocks. I limited myself. I brought myself down. I made myself fail. I am the one who is one the path of destroying my life. Stupid me. What the hell is wrong with me. I don't remember doing so. Did I do it unconsciously?

Even if I did do that. Then how am I supposed to remove them.

I wonder if part of this is becuase I don't have a roomate. Even though I know the real reasons why he left now. Is it always coincidence that I end up alone. Even if I'm trying. Why is it always that I'm isolated away from everyone else? Is that really my doing? Is there some part of me that's still saying I want to be alone?

Even now. I should be working on my paper and make up work for english and probably some other stuff. But I can't because of these thoughts. Am I really me?

Is it even possible to pass genetics. My genetics teacher has no faith in me. In the past I'd tell him how he doesn't know me and how I'll pass his class and make an amazing comeback. That spirit. That drive. That will. That passion. Has that died?

Am I facing reality, am I becoming cynical, am I admitting defeat, am I growing by doing so?

What the hell do I do

I can feel some of this stubbornness and anger. Could I channel that to give me motivation? But it just might be a boost. I might say how am I going to do this and that and start it. But once that adrenaline dies am I stricken with ideas of what should be and what is going to be and they render me useless. Where are they coming from? Why out of nowhere sometimes. Can it really be me?

I really did always know this was gonna happen. Like I'd get distracted by parties, drugs, alcohol, or doing things with friends. That's never distracted me.

By sitting here alone crying what am I accomplishing. Am I gaining insight or getting somewhere. I resolve things by thinking them over. Because I lack friends and support I have to put something in that place otherwise I really am incomplete. But I wish I could make those ties and bonds with people around me. I wish I could have a connection at this school and feel like it's home. But I can't.

Where is my will? Is it lost? Is it hidden? Is it gone? Can I get it back? How do I get it back? How long will it take? Can I keep it longer this time?

Why can't I be more trusting to people. There is risk of getting hurt, rejected, and feeling worse then I did before. But is it worth that risk. Am I so much of a coward that I don't risk the ideas of friendship. But I do have friends sort of. They are just kind of far from me. Back at home. I could call them up though and say hi or something.

But they feel so distant from me. I can hear their voices I can sort of feel the memories. But it all feels like an illusion. If I run to that illusion nothing is there. No traces left. Is it gone? Am I responsible for it being gone? Can I get it back?

I don't know what do right now.

I am getting nowhere by being here. As things go I am going to fail, math and genetics.

I might pass FYS. I will definately pass philosophy though.

But I might start to lose all control and then I'll sleep in again and I won't be able to get up and won't be able to get to class.

But even right now I don't have the control or discipline to do my work. Because I'm searching.

The reason I never used to go to bed because I was hoping if I stayed up late I'd find something. Insight, friendship, love, acceptance, hope, or something else..

And the reason I'd rather not be in class is because I can get more experience outside of class and grow more. Why have i always thought this?

But some people I know are so fucked because they diddn't go to college. They are smart as hell but they did not have the oppertunity I have. But still they are struggling to survive in this world and they won't give up. They'll do what it takes to survive.

Instinct? Will I be like them? Or will I give up then too?

Being gay and open was something people couldn't do in the past because there was no equality. I took advantage of what others could do so that way people before me diddn't fight and struggle for nothing. And the same reason for protection in some way. That all the research and all the lives lost don't go to waste. But for other and more personal reasons as well. I can justify those reasons.

Why can't I justify college. Alot of people can't go and would give anything to go. But I'm wasting it. Am I that selfish?

But why doesn't college feel right. Why does nothing about being here feel right?

With these thoughts and feelings I will in no doubt fail.

Even If I can bring about that will of mine and channel this frustration and anger into motivation and passion. How long can I do it for. A few days, a few hours, a few seconds. Once I run low I'm back where I started. I know 2 classes I can pass. But math and genetics seem like there is no way I can pass them at the level I'm at.

Damnit my head hurts so much from thinking. I'm gonna pop a fucking vein or something.

I really don't know what the hell to do. Can I really not succed without being in Atlanta with my connections, bonds, friends, ties, freedom, and motivation?

I'm gonna have to leave there someday. Being in Anaheim with everyone felt so right. I felt so happy just thinking about how much fun I have makes me teary. But it had to end so fast. But that proves that I can make other places feel like home and feel right too. I won't always be homebound to Atlanta. But it's because I formed connections, bonds, and ties in Anaheim. I am unable to do so here. And that's my weakness. Well one of them. If I can't feel anything then I can't do anything. And right now I can't feel anything.

I feel so cold, scared, and empty. And I can see different scenarios. But which one do I take?

My genetics teacher flat out told me I'm fucked and I should focus on another class. Is it really that hopeless. He said it's possible in the concept to pass but becuase I'm me I can't pass.

Bastard. Like he knows me. There it is. This motivation. This will to prove him wrong. Is it fake? Is it lasting? Can I really rely on this?

No i can't. I need to find something else. But what?

So the question is what the hell do i do now. I can't divide this focus onto all my classes. I'm not developed enough to do so. I can really focus on one class. The other will suffer a little.

This stupid mind of mine. Why the hell did I have to be born like this. Why can't I be chained up, unable to move, and watch the fun shadows dance and call that reality. Because that isn't reality. It's a lie. It's a safe lie. Saftey, comfort, and things staying the same. That isn't reality. I'll never beileve that. But it's sort of like a curse. The minute I crossed the line of what is real and what isn't my views on everything changed. The more I think the farther I go from that line. I've gotten so far that I'm so isolated from everyone and on a different wavelength. All becuase I think. Is philosophy really my cure? Or is it the poison I need to stay away from?

So if I can't focus my mind and train it I'll never get anywhere in life.

Is it wise to leave this college now and go somewhere where I can develop more. Or can I not run from this. Do I have to face this and either overcome it or fail.

I am not developed enough yet to do alot of things. This is one of them. But when will I become developed and reach that potential?

When will I stop questioning and just do. Should I just throw away all this logic and my mind. Should I rely on nothing but instincts?

There has to be balance. But I can't find that balance.

But I'm gonna fucking fail if I don't do something. But should I fight failure or accept it?

Should I stay here or go home?

Should I give up on college and do something else?

Should I leave this realm of what I'm used to and go on an alternative journey? But am I ready for that. I don't have that much money either.

And to those of you will say

"Counselor", "Yup, can't help", "Take a break", "Stop thinking so much"

I can't do these things. I've gone through two counselors and they couldn't do shit. I've asked the doctor if there is something that he can diagnos but he can't do shit. No one can do anything to help me. But why?

Isn't there someone who can help me?

Anyone.

I don't want to fail college. And I don't want to fail life. I want to live, learn, grow, and reach my potential. But I don't know how.

 

[G-Lexington]

I may be going on some bad info here. You tell me.

I met you in California. Although you certainly appeared to have a good time, you seemed...discombobulated. A bit flummoxed. I noticed you putting your head down on the table on several occasions, as if attempting to compensate for lack of sleep.

This was on (ostensibly) vacation.

Now you're at school. I've seen posts about you hooking up on the weekends, and the posts (like this one) tend to go on very very long.

If you're at all in the same state there like you were in California, it wouldn't surprise me that you're failing.

Focus, Daniel-san.

Sleep.
Study.
Go see your profs during office hours.
Sleep.
Study.
Repeat.
Cut out all the unnecessary stuff for a couple weeks.
See what happens.

Lex

 

[stripes]

wow. didn't read all of that but i think you just need to find a way to balance all the different areas in your life.

in my experience and from what i've seen with others, too much of anything can bring you down. whether it's drugs, work, school, partying, relationships, booze, sex, whatever, you need to balance each area of your life so you have something else to turn to when other areas aren't making you happy.

if all you do is study then of course you'll start to feel isolated and depressed. same way that if you neglect your studies and party all the time, you'll start to feel like a failure with no direction.

you will have to make sacrifices in certain areas if you want to balance everything but that's the price you have to pay.

in the past i've had trouble with choosing between spending time with friends and concentrating on my studies. so in order to balance the two i had to sacrifice going to certain parties or not see my friends for a week, as well as accept the fact that i may not get the best grades if i want to hang with friends once in a while.

it's not easy but i think it's the best way to stay happy

 

[jayxx2]

as someone who considers himself massively over-educated, and got to actually start this year teaching as a prof. instead of listening as a student, i can only say that sleeping in and missing classes is pretty much a guaranteed way to fail any course. if you ignore you alarm, go buy another. if you ignore that one too then go to bed earlier. if lifestyle factors are causing you to not get up, change them - no more late night chats, no more late night jerking off. some type of medication or drug causing drowsiness - change the time of day you take them. 'lost your faith' in going to school ? it ain't a church. don't want to go anymore, then don't, but if it isn't the course material or concepts then boil it down to attendance.

just my 2 cents

 

[backpacker]

I'll send you a PM.

 

[beachguy22]

no wonder ur always so tired, its from these long ass threads... jus sayin

 

[PlayingwithChance]

no wonder ur always so tired, its from these long ass threads... jus sayin

I was thinking the same thing...


Think less, sleep more, go see a shrink.

Stop whining, just move forward.... you'll find that stewing in your own filth takes up just as much energy, but doesn't bring you anything in return.

 

[chimere]

You, sir, need some Adderall.

 

[hummer7979]

For what it's worth, (which is probably little because you don't know me), I feel like I understand what you're going through and at times, felt the same way when I was in college.

In a sincere attempt to help, I'll recount how I felt and what I did to get better. I don't mean to take over your thread by talking about myself.

I spent a lot of time trying to understand why I was feeling the way I did (a mix of hopelessness, lack of purpose, lack of a role, lack of aspirations). I soon realized that thinking didn't help at all. In order to get myself feeling better, I had to treat the immediate symptoms first - the messed up sleep schedules, the poor eating habits, hiding myself in my room.

What I did first was to make it a point to take a walk through campus if I was feeling down. I think this is an important first step. Just getting out into the sun will ease your mind.

Also, I had joined a bunch of student clubs and organizations that would force me to attend events or meetings for things I knew I enjoyed. I was in music groups, a choir, and theater. Having obligations is important in helping establish regularity.

As far as diet, I decided to setup a somewhat strict diet of healthy food. I made sure I ate at very specific times in the day. This was probably the hardest part for me, but probably the most important. Being hungry would often cause me to become sluggish, bed-ridden, and depressed.

These steps helped lift my mood. And it may seem like treating the symptoms and ignoring the cause, but in my experience, sometimes you have to deal with symptoms first or you won't have a lucid mind for finding the cause.

Ultimately, I came to the conclusion what I needed was to create value in my life. Up until then, I was told what was valuable by my parents, teachers, peers: being rich and successful, becoming educated in a profitable subject, wearing certain clothes, doing certain things, etc. I was soon realizing that I was caring less and less of what others valued, but came to the stark realization that I had no values of my own. I needed to find out what *I* wanted. It was scary at first because there's no positive reinforcement to tell you that you're doing the right thing. It's been a struggle, but I'm coming to terms with who I want to be and gathering the strength to make it happen.

Ultimately, it's your life. Only you know if you're meant to study what you're studying, or go to college, or whatever. It's important to think about what will make you proud of yourself. But please, before you do any heavy thinking and decision making, get yourself feeling better physically and stabilize your mental state. Put your problems on hold for the time being and focus on feeling better today first.

I hope that helps.

 

[gdude30]

Alright. Want to apologize for not responded. Been kind of busy with trying to track down someone, seeing my counselor, working, and trying to piece things together.

And I think I'm getting close. Unfortunately last night I made hast and did something that was probably pointless and scared off some people. I guess breathe, soul, and voice doesn't exist on the internet..

Anyways..

*cracks finger* Let's rock n roll!

I may be going on some bad info here. You tell me.

I met you in California. Although you certainly appeared to have a good time, you seemed...discombobulated. A bit flummoxed. I noticed you putting your head down on the table on several occasions, as if attempting to compensate for lack of sleep.

This was on (ostensibly) vacation.

Now you're at school. I've seen posts about you hooking up on the weekends, and the posts (like this one) tend to go on very very long.

If you're at all in the same state there like you were in California, it wouldn't surprise me that you're failing.

Focus, Daniel-san.

Sleep.
Study.
Go see your profs during office hours.
Sleep.
Study.
Repeat.
Cut out all the unnecessary stuff for a couple weeks.
See what happens.

I don't re- OH. Yeah. I was frustrated because I was sort of on a ramble about metaphysics and I think I either scared off people or I was trying to focus and concentrate about what I was thinking and had to block out everyone for a while til I could think. I'm not really hooking up as much as people think I am. I think I did it more when I was first coming out. BUt yeah. I remember during bowling I did. At times I did feel a little distant from people and it sort of made me wanna run but I diddn't. Well during bowling I left several times to try to fight that urge yet at the same time fill. Luckily that night turned out more then okay.

That plan sounds easy if you look at it. But it's not. But I should try. Still though. I talked with the counselor and while we brought the problems to light and I sort of realized a solution for a phobia of mine I still haven't found a way to defeat my mind. Because it's not instinct. A phobia is instinct in some ways. But to defeat another instinct you either have to have another instinct that dominates it or work around the instinct and use logic and non logic in a sort of fusion. And this takes a mind that knows how to work around things and come up with different solutions. So I know that I can do this. But as for stopping the thinking that's somethign I cannot do. But I don't know to channel it either or how to divide it. I need to learn this.

Thanks GL..

I wish I talked to you over the meet. I guess I was just a little bit too shy..

wow. didn't read all of that but i think you just need to find a way to balance all the different areas in your life.

in my experience and from what i've seen with others, too much of anything can bring you down. whether it's drugs, work, school, partying, relationships, booze, sex, whatever, you need to balance each area of your life so you have something else to turn to when other areas aren't making you happy.

if all you do is study then of course you'll start to feel isolated and depressed. same way that if you neglect your studies and party all the time, you'll start to feel like a failure with no direction.

you will have to make sacrifices in certain areas if you want to balance everything but that's the price you have to pay.

in the past i've had trouble with choosing between spending time with friends and concentrating on my studies. so in order to balance the two i had to sacrifice going to certain parties or not see my friends for a week, as well as accept the fact that i may not get the best grades if i want to hang with friends once in a while.

it's not easy but i think it's the best way to stay happy

Yeah..too much of anything is bad. And that goes the same for this thinking. But most of it is anxiety. I can watch a bee fly and analzye that and think of it. But I can focus on a problem for days, weeks, months, or years and that is caused by anxiety. That isn't something I can control either. So I need a way to control it and balance it. But how?

Wow..you're right. Not many people know that studying too much is bad too. Same as hanging out with friends or things like that. The problem is I don't have much to sacrifice. I need the computer to do papers and assignment. I sometimes will cutt of IM and chatting sites to do work. But it seems the only time I can really do my work is early morning since my mind hasn't awakened in the sense that it becomes troublesome yet. But still. I need to find balance..

Meditation?



as someone who considers himself massively over-educated, and got to actually start this year teaching as a prof. instead of listening as a student, i can only say that sleeping in and missing classes is pretty much a guaranteed way to fail any course. if you ignore you alarm, go buy another. if you ignore that one too then go to bed earlier. if lifestyle factors are causing you to not get up, change them - no more late night chats, no more late night jerking off. some type of medication or drug causing drowsiness - change the time of day you take them. 'lost your faith' in going to school ? it ain't a church. don't want to go anymore, then don't, but if it isn't the course material or concepts then boil it down to attendance.

just my 2 cents

It's not that I can't get to sleep anymore. That's resolved. I can sleep now. The alarm thing was, what my counselor believes, caused by me not entering a certain state of the sleep process which makes me unable to wake up until I enter that. Or it's delayed. I am gonna do a sleep diagnosis on that. Thanks though. You have a good point. Which is why for now I am gonna withdraw from this college. Don't know when but soon. I don't know if I will go to another. There might be a better one in Atlanta for me. But the point being until I overcome this obstacle I will never succeed in college. Thanks again.

College can be, at times, difficult to get through. It seem that you're always having to prove yourself over & over again. Nothing is life is easy, so stay strong, study & keep a positive mind & you can pull through it. This is only going to prepare you for the real world. Relax, it's only college.

Crisco. Those words. Powerful. I envy you that can you say such bold and short statement when I cannot. I will try to remember that. I need that like a quote of a day or something. Thanks Crisco.

That's tiresome too beachguy...

For what it's worth, (which is probably little because you don't know me), I feel like I understand what you're going through and at times, felt the same way when I was in college.

In a sincere attempt to help, I'll recount how I felt and what I did to get better. I don't mean to take over your thread by talking about myself.

I spent a lot of time trying to understand why I was feeling the way I did (a mix of hopelessness, lack of purpose, lack of a role, lack of aspirations). I soon realized that thinking didn't help at all. In order to get myself feeling better, I had to treat the immediate symptoms first - the messed up sleep schedules, the poor eating habits, hiding myself in my room.

What I did first was to make it a point to take a walk through campus if I was feeling down. I think this is an important first step. Just getting out into the sun will ease your mind.

Also, I had joined a bunch of student clubs and organizations that would force me to attend events or meetings for things I knew I enjoyed. I was in music groups, a choir, and theater. Having obligations is important in helping establish regularity.

As far as diet, I decided to setup a somewhat strict diet of healthy food. I made sure I ate at very specific times in the day. This was probably the hardest part for me, but probably the most important. Being hungry would often cause me to become sluggish, bed-ridden, and depressed.

These steps helped lift my mood. And it may seem like treating the symptoms and ignoring the cause, but in my experience, sometimes you have to deal with symptoms first or you won't have a lucid mind for finding the cause.

Ultimately, I came to the conclusion what I needed was to create value in my life. Up until then, I was told what was valuable by my parents, teachers, peers: being rich and successful, becoming educated in a profitable subject, wearing certain clothes, doing certain things, etc. I was soon realizing that I was caring less and less of what others valued, but came to the stark realization that I had no values of my own. I needed to find out what *I* wanted. It was scary at first because there's no positive reinforcement to tell you that you're doing the right thing. It's been a struggle, but I'm coming to terms with who I want to be and gathering the strength to make it happen.

Ultimately, it's your life. Only you know if you're meant to study what you're studying, or go to college, or whatever. It's important to think about what will make you proud of yourself. But please, before you do any heavy thinking and decision making, get yourself feeling better physically and stabilize your mental state. Put your problems on hold for the time being and focus on feeling better today first.

I hope that helps.

Wow Hummer..

Thank you. I'm sorry that you had to go through all that. But it sounds like by getting sunlight, going outside, eating, and getting to bed on time and then ultimately realizing that you had to find your own self worth you were able to be happy.

To give an update I have sort of felt a little better. I went to my counselor and she helped alot more then normal. Next week I am gonna try to do a personality test and then soon gonna try to get a sleep diagnosis. BUt I wanna see my counselor again because even though the problems are surfaced. What is the solution?

Don't worry Noelie. I will respond to your post.

 

[Fucker29]

Stop being so damn rational and over analyze every single thing to detail. I too am like that and I'm trying to fight it because, on the long run, being like that constantly isn't healthy. You stop living life in order to analyze everything...just live. Stop being so hard on yourself...breathe and relax.
It's not easy and takes a lot of time to go there but it'll be much better for you and those around you.

 

[cityboi]

Self fulfilling prophecy. If you're convinced something will happen you'll see that it will happen come whatever. You're in your last year of college and all of a sudden things aren't right. That's what you always expected would happen. Forget about the past and get on with the future. I went thru college 35 years ago. Never quetioned my ability to pass college but it was more difficult accepting homosexuality back then. I talked with trusted people regarding the difficult aspects of life and plowed through school because I knew it's what I had to do. Things have been all around much better since then!

 

[gdude30]

Sorry. Fucker. It's just really hard. I need to grow a little more and get over this anxiety. I know it's not healthy, I know it's not right, and I know I need to change it but i can't right now. I just can't.

But I got some insight today which might help. Thanks though..It's good to remind myself I'm not alone. But your right. I'm gonna try to fight it just like you.

Wow trobert. You weren't closeted in college back then. You must be brave. I'm a Freshmen though.

But you're right. Becuase I thought I was gonna fail I did. Self fulfilling prophecy. I've heard that term before.

But ultimately college isn't right for me at the moment..

I wish it was. No I don't. I don't wanna be in college. And I don't care about college. So I was just wasting my time and parents money. But I've learned my lesson now.

 

[gdude30]

Yes. Gonna get the fuck out of here. No one knows but people at my work study and my friend who works in the library .

And I'd rather keep it that way. However I need to do my best to avoid them though. Like if I go to lunch directly at 1:15 that would be stupid cause that's when they get out of class and they'd see me and question me and all that shit. But to a certain extent it doesn't matter. I don't really care if they can sense the distance. I don't care if they though there was ever any bonds such as friendship or something like that. To me there never was such a bond so cutting it means nothing. Now as for some people in the PE Department I will miss.

I'll probably never come back here again but it's not like I'll forget the people who made this time here not so bad.

But still. I will miss the lunch ladies. They were very nice. And the counselor. I never did get to talk to that philosopher. And from what I hear he had obtained the balance and fusion between logic and non logic.

Maybe i wasn't ready for that yet

It's not like I completely wasted my time though. I got some great insight yesterday and overall I've learned alot. And I think if I diddn't go here I wouldn't have gone to CA. But anyways. To hell with this college. Once I leave it I never wanna come back or see it again. It's hurt me more then it's helped me. And screw this state. I might miss it one day. But right now. I just wanna leave.

Your right Noelie. Too much of a demand to go to college after high school even if your not ready.

Being a traveler sounds nice. If I had the money I'd do it..

 

[backpacker]

Just treat your the last few months as a learning experience. You have learned a lot about yourself and life. Let me know when you get back in town.

 

[lookin4sum1icantrust]

gdude I feel the same way, but my parents have been talking to me, and I kinda realized that thinking negative isn't going to get anyway, but you still have to look @ it both ways, and most of the time the positive out weighs the negative.

 

[gdude30]

Thanks backpacker. They really have been. And this kinda sounds stupid but right now I'm really sad that I'm leaving.

Not sad cause I'm gonna miss everyone. But it just feels that everything up until now has been a giant waste of time. And that I could have done so much better with others around me and myself. And that I could have been such a great person. But I've been to concerned with what's going on inside me instead of paying attention to other's around me and ignoring them.

I've learned alot about myself but not others. I gotta balance it out.

BUt even though I'm sad it doesn't matter. I thought leaving high school was truly the start of life. But honestly it did not feel like it. And I quesitoned that. Everything after high school, this whole summer, this semester, has all just felt like a big filler.

With some important parts in it. But I think now. After I leave this bastard college and this stupid room. I can finally start living. I can finally start growing. I can finally start laughing. And I can finally start smiling. But I'm really scared as hell. Cause in some ways now I will be out of school and in some ways life truly begins now. I thought this day would come 4 years from now. But it's coming sooner then I thought.

I just hope that i have learned enough through experience and education to take it on.

I really hope I find happiness.

But somehow I'm gonna change myself.

I wiil, Galt.

It's true looking. But it's hard to defeat. But even though the negativeness, the darkness, doubt, fear, and everything that is internal or external and tries to defeat you. At times I think it can seem like an impossible fight. But in some ways there is no need to fight. As long as you live your life the way you want to, have some laughs, tears, falls, and victories. Then you will win those battles. But maybe taking it head on isn't the best solution.

Maybe being so headstrong isn't such a good thing..

Maybe submission really is the key.

I'M READY FOR LIFE TO START!

But I can already tell it's gonna be one bitch of a ride. And knowing me I'll probably get a shaky start and have to shake some things off to get back on track. But I shouldn't think that. Self fulfilling prophecies are a pain.

DAMNIT LIFE START ALREADY. I don't wanna wait til tomorrow

 

[Fishstix]

Exactly what I'm going through except I've already been in college for a few years. I feel like I'm going to break down sometime soon.