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Falling for straight guys

M

mrdude

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It has happened a few times, and it's happening again all over. I really like this guy, but of course he's straight. I don't know why but I always fall for guys who are straight and it's starting to get frustrating... by means of being emotionally attached to them and thinking 'that's another great guy to have a chance with that could of been great'.

I know, there's no point in wasting my energy on him, for obvious reasons... but still, it'll be nice to fall for a gay guy at some point with such intense interest that keeps coming up for straight guys.
 
How many gay guys do you know? I solved this problem by immersing myself in gay men. Then when I resurfaced, I knew how laughably inferior crushing on a guy who didn't want me was to crushing on a guy who did.

The comparison is stark.
 
mrdude said:
It has happened a few times, and it's happening again all over. I really like this guy, but of course he's straight. I don't know why but I always fall for guys who are straight and it's starting to get frustrating...
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It's not just about being attracted to straight guys... it's about what you do with your time and energy.

If your attraction leads you to focus solely upon a lost cause- i.e. hopes for anything more than a friendship, then that is the problem.

If you focus your energy on meeting gay, available men, then this problem will work itself out... assuming that you're willing to take that risk, put yourself out there and meet them.
 
Personality and sense of humor are important for me to be attracted to a guy--and I find str guys attractive for this reason---they can joke about themselves and don't take themselves too seriously--(like a lot of the gays can--NOT all gays) and str guys I like are vulnerable which is sexy. Do I still crush on str guys--yes, but I get over it fast as my respect and caring for them as a person increases--I realize it's not respectful to them to see them as a sex object---which they don't want---and because that breaks down the trust and friendship.
 
nycguydowntown said:
Personality and sense of humor are important for me to be attracted to a guy--and I find str guys attractive for this reason---they can joke about themselves and don't take themselves too seriously--(like a lot of the gays can--NOT all gays) and str guys I like are vulnerable which is sexy. Do I still crush on str guys--yes, but I get over it fast as my respect and caring for them as a person increases--I realize it's not respectful to them to see them as a sex object---which they don't want---and because that breaks down the trust and friendship.
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This difference you're talking about is imagined if its based on sexual orientation.
 
Rolyo85 said:
I have said it before and I will say it again - crushing on straight guys is a sign of either internalized homophobia, or closet syndrome.
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I think there is something to this. Here at JUB we often hear guys say they are attracted only to straight-acting or masculine guys, implying that gay men are somehow less masculine than straight guys.

Also, mrdude, you are a guy who is attracted to guys, so it's natural to find lots of straight guys attractive. Nothing wrong with that. Obsessing over them is wrong for you.

I agree with the others who have said you probably just don't know enough gay guys.
 
It happens to the best of us sometimes. But if it happens again and again, it's probably a sign of unresolved issues. Probably internalized homophobia and emotional masochism - you're punishing yourself by putting yourself in situation that you know you're going to get hurt.
 
Obviously more guys are straight and easier to find.
Desirable gay guys are harder to find. That is why ...
 
The flip side of this is straight women falling for gay guys. I have no idea what the dynamic is of falling for the unattainable, but it's obviously something internal. The quest? The full time task of seeking the unattainable? It certainly keeps one busy and far away from commitment and intimacy.
 
Interesting. Well, I can agree with many points here, and it's true that I don't know any gay men for now, but in the past I've had some odd experiences. The thing is, how could it possibly be viewed as myself having internalized homophobia or being in the closet if falling for straight guys first as a person, regardless of knowing their sexual orientation? The first interest I get for guys is personality which often leads to more attractiveness. The last thing I find out when I have an interest with this person is to know if the guy is straight or not, with the latter being straight.

These guys aren't masculine or have this 'straight' vibe that first gets my attraction. I have an awful gaydar too, so that's another factor.
Although, I do agree with others, get myself out there and meet other gay men, but in another way, I'd like to meet a guy in a general environment. By that I mean doing the things I love doing and meeting that guy spontaneously. However, the odds of this happening than interacting with the gay community vastly differentiates. I'm really getting sidetracked here.
 
We all are adults. It is ok to have crushes on other people. We all do that..such as celebrity crushes.

It is unhealthy to fuel a crush on a straight guy into an obsession. You can justify your reasoning all you want. At the end, you're hurting yourself emotionally and mentally. You have to decide if this is how you want to live your life.
 
mrdude said:
Interesting. Well, I can agree with many points here, and it's true that I don't know any gay men for now, but in the past I've had some odd experiences. The thing is, how could it possibly be viewed as myself having internalized homophobia or being in the closet if falling for straight guys first as a person, regardless of knowing their sexual orientation? The first interest I get for guys is personality which often leads to more attractiveness. The last thing I find out when I have an interest with this person is to know if the guy is straight or not, with the latter being straight.

These guys aren't masculine or have this 'straight' vibe that first gets my attraction. I have an awful gaydar too, so that's another factor.
Although, I do agree with others, get myself out there and meet other gay men, but in another way, I'd like to meet a guy in a general environment. By that I mean doing the things I love doing and meeting that guy spontaneously. However, the odds of this happening than interacting with the gay community vastly differentiates. I'm really getting sidetracked here.
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(emphasis mine)

Because tons of Gay men go through this phase where they can admit their same sex attractions, even do the odd hookup, and tell themselves they are OK with that, but then exclusively obsess on guys with whom they have no possibility of ever having to BE "Gay."

They will give you a million justifications. "it's just him..." "he's just this special guy..." "he gets me like no one else..." you get the point. But really all that means not having to BE gay. Guys who do this don't like to have it pointed out.

Is that YOU! I don't know, you are the only ones with your answers, but the above is an extremely common phase in the coming out process. I did it, a million other gay guys also did it.
 
Forgot, it's also common to obsess on the unattainable because you are afraid of getting hurt, angsty drama isn't as spectacular as going down in flames, but it will kill your soul by inches nonetheless.

Whatever the reason the cure is the same. Go put yourself in the path of men who want to love you AND who want to fuck you.
 
There was a bit of an incident a few weeks ago concerning this very thing with me....and it was fucking embarrassing as hell. I recently made friends with someone in my weightlifting class. Pretty good looking Italian kid, he was. Really handsome and kind of muscular, looked a little bit like Alex Marte. HELL of a nice guy, really helped me out with my depression. I told him I was gay and he was cool with it. He's the kind that makes you think he's some Jersey shore reject, but he's a very sweet dude. He is NOT my weightlifting partner, another friend of mine is.

To make a long story short, I, at some point was talking to his weightlifting partner and I must have made a subtle implication that I thought he was hot and that I wanted to bone him in the rear. Basically what happened, was that he spilled the beans and told him that. And after a week of this shit, all three of us came to the conclusion, we shouldn't mention that incident again. And we're all friends again.


Tl:dr. I supposedly hit on a straight friend and got friendzoned.
 
This is an update to what happened. As of yesterday, me and the guy are no longer friends. In a way, it was a mutual decision.

What happened was that yesterday, he said that I've been exhibiting stalker-like behaviors to him, following him around, always wanting to talk to him....I didn't deny it, I said yes and he told me to cut it out because that made him feel uncomfortable.

I couldn't lie to him, for the past few weeks, I was inadvertently doing the same exact thing that I was trying to avoid doing, I was being a stalker.....and all I wanted to do was just shoot-the-shit with him....I ended up getting attached to him despite him being straight, and especially these past few weeks because they were the last days of the weightlifting class, I've been figuratively humping his leg like a fucking dog. I feel like a total fucking piece of shit for doing that and I truly am sorry. When you're young and dumb and you think that you're in love.....you really do believe it. I know exactly what was going through my goddamn brain the first time we had a long talk about depression/being gay or whatever...."Oh my God, he's my soulmate, we're going to get married, we're going to live in a beautiful house in the Hamptons..."

He never outright said that he didn't want me to talk to him again, but I knew what he was implying....And you know what, I agree with him. I'm gay, I fell head-over-heels in love with him, I'm attracted to his body, face, and personality. He's straight, he likes pussy, he doesn't like guys flirting with him even though he is for gay marriage and gay rights.....This friendship we had, just does not work. I'm not going to try and hang out with him or try to do lunch with him like I hoped when we first became friends. This gym class is over and we're going to go our separate ways.
 
Seasoned said:
The flip side of this is straight women falling for gay guys. I have no idea what the dynamic is of falling for the unattainable, but it's obviously something internal. The quest? The full time task of seeking the unattainable? It certainly keeps one busy and far away from commitment and intimacy.
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The straight women I know who enjoy the company of gay guys are not looking to convert them but appreciate their wit, sense of humor, sense of style, appreciation of the arts, the convenience of attending public functions accompanied by a man minus the sexual tension, etc. A huge generalization, of course, but most of my friends, gay and straight, work in the arts. These women are not moping that they will never get laid by their gay male friends. The gay guys I know who develop crushes on straight men DO moon over these unattainable guys, and mope about the futility of it all.

Really interesting theories presented in the earlier posts as to why the serial crushing. Had never thought of straight men as feeling more vulnerable about themselves than gay men. If anything, I would have thought the opposite. I was aware of my insecurities over the years while straight men seemed to exude such a natural confidence about themselves and their place in the world.
 
xboxfan34 said:
This is an update to what happened. As of yesterday, me and the guy are no longer friends. In a way, it was a mutual decision.
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Well, there's two ways to learn. The easy way is to take advice and avoid the painful lesson. The other way is to learn via painful lesson.

So... what did you learn?
 
I had an ex who was all about the straight boys... you had me, in his bed ready and willing to do whatever he wanted, and he'd express almost no interest. even when we'd go to the local gay bar together and other guys would try to flirt with him, no interest.

but you throw a tipsy straight boy in front of him and he'd be falling all over himself trying to flirt with them.

personally, I absolutely think it was a bit of internalized homophobia and only wanting what he knew he couldn't have.
 
Rolyo85 said:
I have said it before and I will say it again - crushing on straight guys is a sign of either internalized homophobia, or closet syndrome.
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I don't agree in the slightest - people are attracted to different people for different reasons. I find myself totally in the same boat as the OP and it is frustrating. I am in no way homophobic or suffering from closet syndrome.

It just so happens that there are a lot of straight guys I come across in my daily life that are pretty godamned perfect. Maybe it is to do with them not having as many hang-ups or baggage like someone here mentioned or simply that straight guys are more attractive because they tend (in general) to exude a more masculine persona.

I also don't think it's to do with not spending enough time with other gay guys - I've done that a lot recently and, in this city, it's crap.
 
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