Falling for the wrong people...

[arc248]

Hello everyone.

I just wanted to share my story, if anyone would be interested to read... I feel like I need to let it out my chest... Anyways, here it is (and I'll type in paragraphs to ease the reading a bit. )

Back in March this year, I met a boy (and let's call him C) in the subway station in New York, and I had an instant crush... I'd say, the moment I saw him, I knew I was in trouble... he was so special (maybe "elegant" is a good word) and beautiful, very distinctive. So I guess it was love at first sight. I remember sitting across from him in the car deliberately, and secretly oberserving him. I said to myself, "I HAAAAVE to talk to him, or I'll regret." And I made a very bold move and approached him. I got his e-mail, and we've been in contact via e-mail ever since, or that is, until end of July.

***Side note, the situation was kinda like the third segment from the French film, "Paris, Je t'aime", the one with Elias McDonnell in it, except for that they had a better ending.

Anyways, here is some quick stats - C is 17, and I'm turning 22. He attended a high school near my house, but he lived about an hour and half (by subway) away in Manhattan. Vice versa, I live here and I go to college and work an hour and half away, so we take the same bus and train everyday. I thought that was such a coincidence, a beautiful coincidence. We have some things in common, such as fascination with Medieval art, coffee, sweets, vintage clothing, Victorian, art deco, etc. He is going away for college this fall, while I'll be in New York.

Yeah, so we've been in touch via e-mail, and I remember the most we did was like 3 replies in one day during his spring break. (I don't do AIMs or messengers). At first I never expected him to actually reply, but he did, and he shared a lot of things, sometimes quite personal things, from which I felt quite intimate with him. And I was very kind to him, offering him advices and comforted him when he's feeling down, which all via e-mail. Eventually, he asked me to meet him (a pleasant surprise) but it was the end of the school semester and my schedule and job didn't work out. But I promised him to meet him after I come back from vacation in June, and I did. I asked him to meet up and I brought him presents from the trip.

But before we met up, he asked me quite frankly if I like him over e-mail. That took me off guard, and I didn't know if I should admit it because it would be awkward if he wasn't interested and then we can't even be friends. So I replied, saying that it'd be better to talk about it in person rather than over e-mail. (I'm good in conversation in person, and I prefer in person than internet.) He responded, sounded quite upset that I didn't give him a direct and clear answer, and said that no he did not like me. Saddened by that, I figured the only thing I can do is go with the flow, hide my feelings and just be a friend.

So we met up finally, and I told him not to be awkward as this wouldn't be considered a date. We made a plan to visit the Metropolitan Museum, so we met outside on the steps in the morning, and I brought him coffee and breakfast. We chatted, about random things and I gave him the present I brought from Japan, and he was surprised and happy. I was comfortable throughout, while he sounded a bit nervous and more timid than he was in the e-mails. I didn't mind, and seeing him again furthur confirmed my feelings toward him.

The weird part is, after we met briefly (I had a appointment in the afternoon), I felt he has been avoiding me. I asked him to hang out again, which he all declined politely with excuses. This puzzled me for days, and I confronted him. His answers - he doesn't trust people easily and as he puts it, he doesn't "develope deep", and hanging out is just to "be with people". ?!?!?! It didn't make sense to me. I mean, after all, he was the one who asked me out first, and he's been on dates with complete strangers from gay.com personals. So trust is not the issue, just an excuse? I told him that he can be honest with me and I won't be offended, but he said something like he appreciates my kindness.

***More coming soon.

 

[arc248]

***Sorry, here it continues.


So he thanked me for my kindness to him for the whole time, and prefers to be just e-mail buddies (or pen-pal). That's not what I wanted, I want a real friendship, based on trust and intimacy, not these vague cyberspace conversations.

Anyways, this has been bothering me for days, and I finally had the courage to come clean to him, saying that I really like him. I figured, it'll be either all or nothing, as I don't want to be just a pen-pal.

And his reply? - Something like he knew I liked him and my kindness toward him was out of an intention, out of a motive. I was really saddened, I mean, how can anyone say that? Of course I'm nice to him because I like him, it's normal! I was sad and angry, so I replied him for the last time, wishing him the best (which I really do) and that "these would be my last words to you."

I felt foolish... I've spent so much time and energy on him, and that's what he thinks?

It's been almost 2 weeks now, and I'm just trying to get over it... but I think about him everyday, especially since that I'm not angry anymore. Now I regret that I blocked him off my e-mail. (The way the block is that, e-mail from him would just be automatically deleted and not bounced back, so he would never know if I just decided not to reply or if I never received it. That is, if he would send me anything.)

So yeah, this is the end of things... my summer of 2007.

I hate summers, I can't wait until the fall and winter to come.

 

[WYSIWYG]

A sad ending to so many 'possibilities'.

In rereading your story however, I do not think you were totally honest with him from the beginning. You do not say if you had any email conversations with him about your feelings or what his feelings might have been towards you!

I did not get the impression that he every expressed any interest in being more than an email friend.

He is only 17 years old and my still not have any ideas of who he really is or if he is str8, bi, or gay! I ddi not read anywhere if you told him you liked him in anyway beyond, 'you really liked him'. What did that mean to him? I have no idea....

Most of there 'relationship' was through emails. I very difficult way to start anything. People misread and misunderstand words and think different things than you intended.

Your 21 years old, you will meet any many people and like, dislike, or fall in love with the wrong people until you find the right one! (You will find him, trust me!!)

Compared to other living things here you spent little time and energy on this. I spent 5 1/2 years with someone who said they loved me, and I felt I also loved him, but I was just a cash cow to him and in the end he dumped me. I was upset for 3 months until I said, "I am not going to let him do this to me!!!!!" Two months later, I found a wonderful man who loves me as someone should, and I love him in the same way!

Catch your breath. Relax and get ready for the fall. By your post, you seem like a caring and loving young man. Before you know it when your not looking your man will be standing in front of you!

 

[Eagle653]

Yeah, as soon as I saw he was 17, I said ut oh. He might be gay, he might be scared, he might be confused, and he might be very wary of your ultimate intentions--intentions that he might not know how to handle. At least he didn't lead you on and soak up your affection (and gifts) and then decide he doesn't want to see you anymore.

I'm sorry that happened. It's always sad when someone you're really into just doesn't click. I hope that the coming fall brings to you better possibilities!

 

[gameboy 11]

"I hate summers, I can't wait until the fall and winter to come."

I'm totally opposite - I think the winter provides less opportunities to do things (even though I don't do much in the summer) and will be even more depressing that I don't have a man!

 

[screwnutty]

arc248.

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you. But it was most likely for the best. He's 17 and heading off to college. He got some issues that he needs to work out. Plus he needs some time to discover who he is. You did the right thing. Besides...if it's meant to be....you'll see him again.

I just feel really horrible because I know what your going through. Except my guy is 23 and I think straight. Thank god I only see him ever 4 months when he comes back to visit his parents. He comes over to my place (he knows that I like him...even uses it to his advantage somedays. He's never given me a straight answer when I asked him if he liked me as much as I like him...always changes the subject) and we hang out for the weekend together....then I spend about 3 days depressed because he's gone again.

Yes...I need to move on! But there's somebody out there for both of us...It's just a matter of timing!

 

[arc248]

Hello everyone.

Thanks a lot for the thoughts.

Yes, C is gay, and he is out to everyone. But he has never had any relationships yet, and he is kinda "desperate" looking for one, as he puts it himself. He even admitted having problems trusting people and having close friends. He hated living in New York, and that's why he's going away.

Ay, yeah, one thing I learned is to avoid too much communication by e-mails. People can be different online and in person, which was kinda the case with him. He was a lot shyer and timid in person. I think I'm pretty consistent online and in person, so I didn't feel awkward.

Another thing I learned is to be more honest in expressing my feelings. I should've been more upfront and direct... Guessing games is too painful and frustrating.

Ay, so many "I should have's". Now I wonder if I should contact him or just let it go. What do you think?

I'm not so angy anymore, more like disappointed and sad. I still wish him the best. I've sent him a French quote,

"Au coeur valant rien d'imposible", meaning "nothing is impossible with a brave heart."

I guess it wasn't a complete waste of time, as I've learned something from him myself.

It's so hot here in New York, it makes me more frustrated... Europe is a different story, much cooler. So yeah, fall, come ASAP.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

You did well.

You have learnt a bit and you have drawn the right conclusions.

#1
All the good things start with basic honesty.
If you like someone, tell them that in no unmistakable terms. Tell them that you are an adult male and that you are looking for partners and mates. HS is over, platonic friendships are taking a back seat to your real life needs.

#2
Living close by and allowing your relationship to be mostly E-Mail based was an obvious mistake. E-Mail is fine within reason. You must find time to date and mate, if you wish. And so must he. It will never be easy, but trust me, if there is a will, there is a way.

#3
I'd leave the young dude to his own devices and look elsewhere. First, he is going away. Second, he really showed little or no initiative. One-sided friendships and relationships really suck.

SC

 

[spreadeagle]

I think you're doing remarkably well - and your postings reveal a considerate, thoughtful, generous personality. Those are highly valued traits and I'm sure you'll be able to create a relationship with someone more your equal.

I concur with others that the primary problem here is with the relative immaturity of the guy you fancied. Even in their late teens young men are not necessarily capable of making rational judgements or reacting appropriately: there is too small a store of past experience for them to form any accurate idea of the likely outcome of any action they might take and their responses tend to be random and erratic.

I think the learning point for you in all this is that you had the courage to reach out and take the initiative in introducing yourself to someone you were attracted to. A huge number of relationships never get off the ground because of fear of rejection. By daring to risk rejection you expanded your repertoire of dating skills and that can only improve your chances of future success.

 

[rareboy]

Ah the cold callous heart of youth. Is there ever a creature more dangerous and hurtful as a 17 year old human male?

There is a reason why one doesn't pursue boys who probably still wear spiderman pyjamas. My guess? He panicked....he probably has been watching 'To Catch a Predator' or something. He has no frame of reference for the idea of a platonic friendship between gay guys. BTW, if you were planning to tap his ass, shame on you. You should know better.

My advice? There are many young men your own age and many who are older that share the same interests as you. Try not to become involved with boys who have to do their homework after.

...and as you say, autumn is coming...and hopefully so will you.

 

[texan_slant]

He is too young to handle his own feelings. He is probably intrigued, yet scared at the same time, and he prob needs a friend rather than a relationship - yet doesn't know how to be explicit about it.

 

[arc248]

Ah the cold callous heart of youth. Is there ever a creature more dangerous and hurtful as a 17 year old human male?

There is a reason why one doesn't pursue boys who probably still wear spiderman pyjamas. My guess? He panicked....he probably has been watching 'To Catch a Predator' or something. He has no frame of reference for the idea of a platonic friendship between gay guys. BTW, if you were planning to tap his ass, shame on you. You should know better.

My advice? There are many young men your own age and many who are older that share the same interests as you. Try not to become involved with boys who have to do their homework after.

...and as you say, autumn is coming...and hopefully so will you.

Thanks everyone for reading and commenting.

Well, I never fancied his "ass", and I know it's illegal to do so. Sex was not (yet) part of it, at least part of my interest. I just wanted to be kind to him.

Yes, maybe he's too young. I don't understand boys... Sometimes he say things that are really sweet, or maybe it's just my wishful thinkings and reading too deep between the lines. Ay. And he was soo sweet and timid when we met... which makes me very confused.

They're so beautiful, and yet painful.

Now I feel guilty of completely cutting him off my life - I deleted his phone #, his e-mail address, and everything. Then I realized, that I've promised him to always be there when he needs something, and I really do still. Should I contact him, now that it's been 2 weeks and perhaps he has sorted things out a bit? I'm still curious if he ever replied my last e-mail or his reply was blocked... Or should I just really let it go?

Ay, deleting his contacts is no help, as I've already memorized them by heart.

I need opinions, please.

 

[rareboy]

I'd let him go.....just think of him as your Tadzio from 'Death in Venice'.

Even if you try to hook back up, he's not going to trust you. The kid has abandonment issues and was still trying that 8 year old's approach to pushing you away to test limits. You've reinforced what he was expecting, but honest to Pete, I think he got what he deserved and I think you could do better for a mature friendship.

Look for guys that will challenge you, not reinforce a Peter Pan complex.

 

[backpacker]

I think you need to let him go. Some of the banter back and forth has probably caused hard feelings. There is also the issue of him going away to school, which makes him unavailable for a relationship. His age and communications also suggests that he probably isn't ready for a long term relationship.

If it is bothering you that he may have sent emails and you didn't respond, you could always send him an email like: "I apologize if you sent me any emails and I didn't respond. I was very upset and blocked your email address. If you sent any emails, I never saw them. I apologize for that. I'm sending this email so that you understand why I didn't respond if you did send any emails and let you know there are no hard feelings on my part. I don't expect you to respond to this, but I have un-blocked your email address in case you do." Please understand that he may have also blocked your emails and therefore may never received the email if you send it.