Falling in love with straight guy

[matthew33]

I'm 33...and I think I just fell in love with my best friend who's straight.

I moved to Singapore 3 years ago because of work. Then I met this guy, incidentally, he's also from London. We became really good friends. Best friends in fact.

We travelled together, went around South East Asia on holidays...one time he followed me in Malaysia for a business trip, he was supposed to fly back on Sunday night, but I urged him to stay longer for one more day..and fly back on Monday. He obliged, but he already checked out from his room, so I said, you can stay in mine to save a few hundred Ringgit (currency in Malaysia). He was hesitant at first, but eventually agreed. We shared the same bed...and then I woke up in middle of the night and his arms were around me...when I started moving, he jerked and moved away, whispering "I'm sorry"...then turned away. We never talked about that incident since.

We both love drinking, there are times we'd both get drunk at some party or club and he'll hold up is hands around my face and pull me close to his face...so close that our nose would touch and he'd say "I'm glad I've met you" or "You're the closest friend I've had"...things like that. We would give each other gifts, for no reason, matching sports jersey or funny print t-shirt randomly seen in shop. On birthdays or Christmases past...we'd make sure we get special lunch or dinner just by ourselves, even if we already celebrated with other friends of ours! Or sometimes we'd exchange text messages and it will have a "kiss smiley" at the end of the message or an XXX. I know it was meant as a joke as we always do...so it gets tolerated. There are a few, rare, occasions where in after a night of partying/drinking... we'd share a taxi to drop us in our own places, then I'd go give him a high-five for a fun night...but then after our hands meet...neither of us would let go and hold hands for a few minutes, but we won't talk...we'd both look outside the window...holding hands... until one of us needs to get out of taxi....again we never spoke about this.

Those things happened for two years.

Now and for the past six months...he has a girl friend. We see each other maybe once a week...for a night of football. A total opposite of meeting him almost everyday then, now to just about once a week...if ever. Things changed a bit, but we still keep in touch. Funny, we actually checked how many text messages you send to your contacts, and he showed me, he exchanged 100+ messages with his girlfriend a month...but between two of us...it's about 300+ a month! Don't get me wrong, no sweet messages, just random things about sports, beers, clubs, parties, etc. But I thought that was funny. We like scuba diving...we go on diving trip once in a while...just the two of us. But that's just it...we just enjoy each other's company so much. We can talk, we can argue, we can get mad at each other...but that's alright, because we know we're friends at the end of the day.

As I said he has a girl friend...and I'm also seeing a girl right now. I think if things go well with my new girl....then, I would be seeing much less of him. I never felt like this with a guy before...I don't know, I'm really confused. I feel like I'm cheating with my date/girl already...I know there's nothing going to happen between me and him...but I'm really missing him a lot...his company...the gestures he did before! What does that mean!?!? I've never been with any guy before him...and I can't see myself with any other guy but him...this is just weird.

Forgive my long story....and I posted in this gay forum as I think...most of you went through the same situation? Or similar at least? Any thoughts?

Thank you very much!!!

 

[jerich69]

It hard to be on that situation. I feel you I have a bi friend well we both bi guy were pretty much do the samething like you guys did movies,club,dinner,party,travel. Txt massege almost everyday like there's no tomorrow. we like being around to each other Well I like him us my bff but not us partner or anything. One time he's ask me to a dinner on this nice restuarant and he pretty much say anything he felt about me. Everything he said its heart warming but I don't feel anything to this guy. And on that one night everything is ruined our friendship. So falling in love to a Bestfriend is not a good thing. You might lose him forever. Hope it help a little bit good luck bud

 

[terps420]

I think this situation develops between sets of friends a lot more than people might believe. It's the whole "brokeback" scenario, it's taboo and confusing and almost always kept completely secret but if you think about it, it's very normal; which is why the issue even had a movie made about it.

Humans are social creatures. We desire companionship, camaraderie, friendship, etc. The need to feel desired most of the time doesn't overpower our need to love. People are intrinsically inclined to love. So few people in life come and don't go that when you do meet someone that you don't want to go, someone that you can just...be with, affection and attachment develop, which sometimes evolves into sexual desire. When the object of your affection is affectionate back to you, it's basically just adding fuel to the flame. This is why the line between being "in love" and "loving" someone is so fine and complex.

He probably is in love with you too. Or was or whatever.

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to just love and be loved in return."

 

[chillyboi]

It's what i'm famous for

 

[mydrew1]

Not seeing or communicating with my first big crush helped me get over it, the same will help with you at some point

 

[matthew33]

Hi Guys...thank you very much for all the responses! I really appreciate it. A quick update...I have searched some internet forums about this kind of friendship/relationship among guys for some weeks now...and just like what you guys said, it is best to stay away. It was the most common response that I read with situations similar to mine.

I did try stopping the communications...we stopped talking/emailing/SMS for a good five-or-six days I think...and I surprised myself that I managed to control myself! Guess what...he was the one who contacted me first. I was quite indifferent at first. We met...went to an Irish pub then he asked "What's wrong"...and I made an alibi, I couldn't tell him the truth, and I just said, "Nothing. There's nothing to talk about. Was just busy at work, too many things in my mind. I was actually waiting and wondering why YOU'VE been quiet."....then he said, "OH...I was also waiting for you!" He again asked if something is wrong...again, I confirmed, nothing is wrong. Then he said..."Don't do this again to me, OK?" -- I'm like...WTF does he mean by that!?!? Of course, I did not say it out loud to his face. I think I got him a bit worried.

So now, it's back to normal...we talk again, we email again, heck...because we're friends!!! I'm the only one having problem dealing with this! To make things worst (or good)--I do not know how to evaluate it anymore--I think he knew why I was quiet--he thought he's been neglectful of our friendship.

Now...he's planning on a five day diving trip to Indonesia!!! Just the two of us...as usual when we go diving!! WAAH!! I'm just thinking...this is completely the opposite of "staying away" from him.

Well, work has been really very busy for me lately, I do not know if I can take time off until Christmas...but he's been sending me SMS about it and saying...I should not disappoint him with this trip!

I mean...while it's true that I really, really, really enjoy spending time with him. But you guys are right...it's fun right now, but when I we both go back to the real world...it might hurt me in the end.

I guess...I don't know if this will work...I have to psyche myself up that this friendship should just be as it is, the best platonic, male friendship that I could probably have. Just tell myself to enjoy it and just be two straight friends!

I just hope it's a phase. I hope I can endure it.

P.S. What do you mean "Brokeback" scenario? Is that the movie that was shown about the cowboys?

 

[terps420]

Um...Yes- the movie about the cowboys haha.

The notion that two men with pre-existing attraction to women could get put on a mountain with only each other for company for like 2 straight months and end up falling in love is an interesting one, wouldn't you agree?

I mean, obviously it's safe to say that they were both at least bi-sexual, with Heath Ledger's character definitely leaning more towards the "hetero" side of the spectrum, and Jake Gyllenhaal on the other. But that's not the point. It's that human sexuality is really complicated, and once in a blue moon, a Heath Ledger who doesn't like all men except for one falls for a Jake Gyllenhaal.

 

[Muscles4daze]

maybe you should let him know you thought it would be best to back off because he was currently in a relationship, let him know you didn't want to interfere with the time he spent with his girlfriend.

 

[Dennis82]

I think I just fell in love with my best friend who's straight.

Well, first of all... are you sure he's straight? Cause your story tells me he's at least bi, but hey what do I know. Anyway, you also said that you have a girlfriend so if you're not planning on seeing both, which one are you more interested in? The guy or the girl? If it's the girl then hey congrats, but if it's the guy then I think you should talk to him about this. Perhaps he's bi or he's gay and the girl is just his beard. If you really like this guy then personally I don't think you should give up that easily. Whatever you choose to do I hope it all works out, best of luck.

//Dennis (Je)

 

[Rusty Crown]

I don't think that getting away is a good idea

i had the same problem 4 month ago but he wasn't even my friend he was my brother's.. i liked the way he used to look at me..his eyes.. his smile.. his laugh
i didn't know him personally but i just loved him.. he's religious, and me too (I suppose to be at least) so there was no cahnce.
I started to be mean to him.. trying to convince myself that I hate him and how ugly he is (which is wrong because he was cute).. sure it was a stupid thing to do because i didn't "forget" him and he didn't deserve that sh**
anyway i took the worst part out of it without having fun hanging out with him
now i feel kinda ok - after three moths of hell- but sometimes i dream of him
and everytime i remember him i smile

 

[heartfly77]

Yep been there too. It's really quite simple. Just ask him if he likes you that way. I thought all the same things once about my friend. We were inseparable. People used to mix up our names because we were always together. Then I told him I had those kinds of feelings for him. It came to a screeching hault because he did not feel the same. He was really straight. It was awkward for a few days but we moved on and stayed friends.

 

[genthree]

your story reads like 2 guys who have the hots for each other. i don't think either of you can handle the reality of being GAY. you have shocked yourselves by realising you are in love.
it can never work if one is thinking sex and the other is thinking friendship, so you have got to talk about it and stop guessing. the result of this determines where things go from here........... good luck, keep us informed !

 

[saintl1]

i think every gay guy has been where you are. im 31 now and have fallen for this trap several times, i told myself years ago never agian, but of course i have become close to a coworker and we became good friends and he is all i think about. but i know how this story ends so i wont even bother to tell him anything. i want to keep my current friendship with him. i know you cant help you fall in love.

 

[____]

Definitely been there... The only thing that helped was distance away from him for me, but evidently that's not quite the possible option for you.

Your story also suggests that he's bi... But he's not interested in you, telling him would only ruin your friendship with him.

I'm not giving much of an advice here, but just that definitely don't tell him unless you know he feels the same way. Assuming that you want to keep the friendship.

 

[UWSMike]

Your situation is not at all uncommon.

Many straight guys go through something similar in their teens or early 20s when their BFF falls in love with a woman for the first time.

If the friendship was a particularly close one, the guy without a girlfriend feels abandoned and can often be resentful of the girl for stealing his buddy away.

You and your friend were older. You were in a new country and it's hard to make new single friends when you're in your 30s: most guys your age are married. So you spent more time together than you would if you weren't in such an isolated environment and you had no checks on you-- no other friends who wondered why you were always with this one guy.

And yes, something sort of sexual did develop. Your friend may not have realized it or may have just chalked it up to male bonding. But you guys essentially became a couple: you just didn't have sex. But beyond that you were a couple.

A few suggestions:

First off, so long as he's got this girlfriend, you're going to come second. He's at an age where marriage is expected, so don't be surprised if that happens sooner than later. Bottom line is you need to start developing your own life.

So tell him that: it's not that you're being standoffish, it's just that you need to start going out and finding other people to socialize with so that you're not so reliant on him. He'll get it.

You can also make friends with his girlfriend so that the three of you can hang out. He's not going to take you along on every date, but if he's a friend, he'll want to include you in his new life and vice versa. Just make sure you're not getting jealous of his girlfriend. And be aware that she is very likely aware of the special bond between you two and wondering why her boyfriend is so in love with his best mate.

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[GoodbyeSobriety]

Your buddies' actions seem to convey more than just wanting a friendship... he just seems scared and closeted about it.

Judge the situation for what it is!

If you can test the waters without ruining a friendship, I would say go for it because who knows, it might progress into an awesome relationship.

If the risk weighs in too high, then simply cherish his friendship for what it is.

My two cents.

 

[terps420]

We both love drinking, there are times we'd both get drunk at some party or club and he'll hold up is hands around my face and pull me close to his face...so close that our nose would touch and he'd say "I'm glad I've met you" or "You're the closest friend I've had"...things like that. We would give each other gifts, for no reason, matching sports jersey or funny print t-shirt randomly seen in shop. On birthdays or Christmases past...we'd make sure we get special lunch or dinner just by ourselves, even if we already celebrated with other friends of ours!... There are a few, rare, occasions where in after a night of partying/drinking... we'd share a taxi to drop us in our own places, then I'd go give him a high-five for a fun night...but then after our hands meet...neither of us would let go and hold hands for a few minutes, but we won't talk...we'd both look outside the window...holding hands... until one of us needs to get out of taxi....again we never spoke about this.

Oh c'mon dude; really? I mean this in the nicest way possible but could you and your friend be any more transparent?

The biggest problem in male-male relationships always tends to be simply that we are guys. Most of us don't live the over-articulated verbal lives that women usually do; we don't share our feelings, we don't ask questions, we don't solicit answers... it's just easier not "to talk about it". But the problem with pretending there isn't one is that everyone else almost always picks it up. These friends you celebrate without probably know just as much as you do, and it's this fear of judgment, of being 33 and all of a sudden being "gay" with your best friend that keeps you from realizing the potential. The situation begs a lot of questions, and obviously neither of your are willing to give eachother answers.

Can I ask you a few things? Do you really think holding hands in the back seat of taxis for minutes at a time is normal heterosexual camaraderie? Would you ever get drunk and get so close to a friends face that "your noses touch" and then, out of all the things you could possibly say, you chose "I'm glad I met you"? Who does things like that? I'll tell you who does... guys who want you to just get it over with and put it in them already.

 

[ChicagoNormalGuy]

Seems that your choices are:

1) Say nothing and try to continue the friendship as it is, with all the confusion you seem to be having about him and your feelings.

2) Stay away from him, move on, find a woman or another man that can and will reciprocate your feelings in a way that is going to make you happy.

3) Tell him you have real feelings for him as more than a friend and that you want to act on them.

4) Realize that you have about the best male friend you could possibly have and that this is the relationship you are meant to have with him, so enjoy what you have and don't over-think it.

I lean towards 3 and 4. With 3, you could end up with the love of your life or losing the best friend you ever had.

I guess it comes down to you more than him. What kind of life do you want to have? Are you gay? Are you bi-sexual? Can you give him up for the rest of your life?

I think you need to decide what you want and then pursue that.

 

[matthew33]

I'm really surprised and very thankful for all your feedbacks. Sorry for not checking in a bit earlier. Very busy at work. In fact, I'm having business trip tomorrow morning, and barely have time to pack my luggage.

Reading through the thread, I think, UWSMike nailed it!!! That's precisely the situation I'm going through. I really felt jealous of his girlfriend and I'm just controlling myself...she's a very nice girl, not bitchy, very pleasing personality, I can't complain. But I can't stand whenever my friend talks about her! Before I even wrote to this forum, I already spoke to my friend...told him that I'm leaving, that I'm going somewhere else, looking for new job somewhere maybe in back in England, or Australia, or maybe the USA. He asked me why...I simply told him "My job here is done"...(since he got a gf already, I felt like I'm not needed anymore)....guess what, he asked "Are you leaving because I've a girl friend?"...I spoke as a matter of fact, and said, "Yes." and still I mentioned all sorts of crap to him. He said that he feels disappointed that I feel that way and that "It's all in your head." Well..several months later, I'm still around, haven't really moved on to a different place. Although I seriously think moving to a different geographical location would be helpful.

OK, I really think my best friend is straight, not BI--as he's really a bit homophobic, you know. He doesn't like gay people too much, he makes some jokes about them. One time we went to a party...and we arrived earlier than most guests, then, came in two guys. He whispered to me that he thinks they're gay. I asked him..."What made you think that?"...he said that they look like a couple. I'm like..."Well, the two of us arrive together in parties all the time...I hope people don't think that we're a couple"...and he says..."Well, we don't act that way".

You know...I just really wish he just goes his own way and just leave me alone. Because I cannot do it by myself. He's like a magnet. Whenever he calls and wants to go and meet...I can't say NO to him. And we're even meeting on weekdays again! Total opposite from last few months or so. Last couple of weeks...we've met almost everyday! Just like the old times!!! Today wasn't any different. I have a business trip and will be away until next week so I merely asked him if he wanted something from duty free shop when I get back...and he replied with an invitation for dinner! I was surprised because I know he has conference calls and things like that to attend do after hours today...he dropped it all...to have dinner with me. Just the two of us...in a nice fancy restaurant. All because I'll be gone for a week!

You know...this is what is driving me crazy. We do not say anything sweet or even remotely close to being a couple...but his gestures....I wish he would just ignore me and just be with his girl...I think that would make things so much easier for me. But sometimes, he makes me feel very important...sometimes even his girl friend is calling me "his boyfriend"...meant as a joke of course, precisely because the amount of time we spend together and connection we have.

I do not have the strength to confront him and reveal my true feelings. I dread the fact that he would go ballistic and get mad at me for revealing that kind of thing...I know he cares about me too...but I think not just in the same way that I do for him.

I really just wish he's the one to go on and be happy with his girlfriend....or perhaps me, to get out of Singapore...and just get away.

 

[matthew33]

P.S. I forgot to mention that the dive trip won't push through as I can't take holiday. He's been bugging me endlessly about it saying that I owe him a dive trip.