Fastdavy - Archived Blog Posts

[Fastdavy]

Hi,I've been here at JUB now for about two months .I've had a computer for three.I have learned more here then from my handbook!Real men don't read.....o.k,o.k.First off,I want to say that JUB is the best place I can think of.It has it all.Porno,Twinks,snappy patter and friends.There is care here,that I didn't expect to see or to get.Looking around on the net I havent seen the sense of community displayed here anywhere else that I have looked at so far.I feel like I'm home here,I get a sense of belonging,and I know I belong here.Like I said it's comming home.We are all potental butterflys and sometimes in this place we see the butterflys emerge.As you can tell,I sort of wear my emotions on my sleeve,as well as my heart.Unfortunatly through many years of therapy I learned to tell my feelings about everything.Not necessairly good.Some can't take the intamacy.I don't think I could stop now,it's part of me.So move on if you can't take it,I do. lol!I just hope that my feelings are honest and honestly written here.Enough for now.Sometime,perhaps I will learn how to do pictures.I want to learn.Is this my diary?

 

[Fastdavy]

Higuys,I've decided to call my blog this.This way if I say something crass,I can blame it on the diabeties.Yes,I have it.It's a bitch!When I first found out I chose to blame my genes.Then I thought I would live forever.That lasted for about fifteen years.Then my health started to leave me My eyes are not bad,but the feet are starting to go.They are numb.You can hurt yourself so easily and not know it.I have,it's easy to do.The thing about the whole thing is.....I could have prevented it!In stead,I chose to eat (and drink) whatever I wanted to.Regardless of the consequences.I'm sorry now I did.I guess what I'm trying to tell you readers is pay attention to your doctor.And do it for YOURSELF!!Not mothers,lovers,sisters,not for anyone but you.You won't regret it.The question is why didn't I do it for me?I was stupid.I felt that since there was no one in my life to do it for why should I do it period?It's a case of self worth,I was seeking valedation through others.Many years ago I decided "ego"was a bad thing,so I strove to rid myself of as much as possible.IT was a bad idea.lol now I realize that ego is not necessarily a bad thing.It is (when used right)like a bank account that you can draw on when you need it.At the time,"ego"was a bad word,something to disguard as quickly as possible,so I tried and on a lot of levels succeded.BUT it is necessary to a well lived life.It is necessary to your self worth wich is one of the reasons I didn't care enough to take care of the diabeties so I got it,or allowed myself to get it.Thank God it is Type 2.I don't need insulin but do take meds for it and the things it has caused to begin to break down.Well guys,that's about it.Do it for yourself no one else,at least you can care about you,it's the least you can do. fast davy.If you notice,I have mis-spellings,if I stop to correct my spelling,chances are I wont send these.Bye

 

[Fastdavy]

Didn't expect to be back so soon.I wrote fellow JUBer about my best friend and how I miss him.His name was Steven and for eight or nine years he brought light and joy into my life.We were never lovers though we slept together all the time.I suppose we could have been,but all though the friendship was strong ,I think if we had it would have destroyed it.Strong yet fragile.We compleated each other in a way that I think others don't understand.There was a psysic bond that allowed communication of the sprit.We finished each others sentences.If one was thirsty,the other would get water without a word spoken.Complacated thoughts would be transmited in an instant without misundering.Short commings were made up by the other.We made a whole.God I miss him!He an I had our ups and downs,bad lovers money problems,the things life throws at you,even seperations.But we always found each other from where ever we had strayed,and when we were whole, together again,it was complete love and understanding.Kill somebody?We will work it out.Boyfriend dump you?Take your clothes off and climb into bed and we will cuddle.Love,just love.Special people like this are rare.Frienships like this are even more rare and tonight while "The Wizard of Oz"is playing(our favourite movie) I celebrate Steven Ashbrook's life and what he meant to me.Steven is dead now,he died thirty one years ago,and so did I a bit,no,alot.We had moved back to our home town and had been there for about six months when he went to S.F.for a show.We had pretty much cleaned up our acts just a little pot now and then.the phone rang and I picked it up.....it was the S.F.City morgue telling me thay had Steven's body and did he have parents?I thought some one was playing a bad joke on me and hung up the phone.They called again and I knew it was true.My world stopped,never to run quite right again.My friends were symphatic and caring but they didn't know what I had lost,no one knew except me.Steven had over dosed on Quaaludes.His system had cleaned itself out and although he took the normal amount,it was too much.So I have warndered through my life without my best friend,my other half.I know choices had he lived would have been different,out looks changed,life perhaps not so chaotic.I know so.I just want to say Steven I love you my friend and goodbye for the millionth time.I will miss you until we find each other again.The Scarecrow just said "Now i know I have a heart,becaues it's breaking" no truer words have ever been spoken.Goodbye Steven

 

[Fastdavy]

The sun rises and will hopefully never set on my neice.When she was born,I went to the nursery at the hospital and there she was this little perfect little baby sleeping.I just looked at her for I don't know how long just sleeping.Then she opened her eyes.They were blue,sky blue and she looked at me with trusting loving eyes and then I knew my life would never be the same again.I guess I feel like a father(hers is not much in her life).Over the years I have been everything to her I possibly could......friend,playmate,tutor,teacher,personal cheft,a teacher of morals,and constructive critic.I try not to show disapointment,but when it comes out and she knows Da is not happy with her,it upsets her .She has let me down.But I let her know it's o.k. and that I love her no matter what and always will.I have always had a fantasy of taking her to to see the world.Stay at all the best hotels,go to all the museums,shop,what ever we want to.Travel and store up experiences for her for when I'm gone.I want to be her Auntie Mame.If I win the lottery I'm gone!She is gone!.Hello Paris!lol.She is fourteen now.But when I look at herI still see the baby in the blanket in the hospital with the trusting wide open eyes

 

[Fastdavy]

I was just reading the JUB blog about Chi Chi La Rue's newest DVD.It's straight men(porno stars )jerking off.I think this is rediculous.Why?What for?Is La Rue saying that there aren't enough gay men who are just as beautiful or even better looking then these straight men and who are willing to have sex with a gay man?Why bother with the straights?If the DVD was straight porn stars having gay sex I would watch just for the curosity.I know that the straight thing is a fantasy of gay men and god knows I have had my share of them but give me a break!It seems all anyone has to do is put the "straight " word in a sentence about gay sex and everyone goes "ohhhhh and ahhhhhhh" and runs to check it out panting about a boy gone gay!Bullshit!Chances are he is gay to begin with.Most of the straight men I know wouldn't let someone stick a cock in their ass for all the tea in China,much less suck a cock!Please don't get me wrong,I love Chi Chi la Rues movies,she is a giant in the industry.I have always had the fantasy of working for her,tea boy?Fluffer?Perhaps as an interviewer(yum).Her movies are always enjoyable and full of hot men and good production values,But a A DVD of straight men jerking off?Do we need the fantasy?Even "gay for pay"bothers me.I hate to see men fucking women and then fucking men(BI's are another blog)I admit I am dissapointed when I see this happen it confuses some part of me.I guess it's because I have never slept with a woman(never wanted to) I'm very black and white in this...I never realized how much until I started this chapter of Coma.I guess what I wanted to say was Chi Chi please stick to gays Idon't need straight men jerking off for me if they aren't avaleable to some gay man.How much money do you need?I know that you could drive a truck through my logic,but this isn't a logical thing for me.It's an emotional response to something as a gay man I don't like.Peace,and calm down fd.

 

[Fastdavy]

There is going to be some self pity here so if you don't want to hear it,go now.Violins please,I made up a whole fantasy about a man I will never meet.It started as a playful thing on the net and I blew it out of propotion,making it the most beautiful love story I could imagine.He was nice,sexy in his pm's to me,and always pm'ed me back.I realize now that he was just being nice.Boy,sometimes life can make you stupid.....I made me stupid.At that time I was having a hard time.I started questioning my truths.It seemed everything was wrong and the one thing I held on to was this relationship.It was wrong too.I am comming out the other side slowly. I realize now it was just a dream(but what a dream)In some sort of way it helped to have that dream,but it's time to say goodbye to the fantasy and hello to the reality it helped me to see.Thank you my dream lover you don't know what you did for me.Goodbye. smile.Self pity time over.On to the future.

 

[Fastdavy]

My cousin Michael died of AIDS twelve years ago today.He was more than a cousin,he was my friend.We lived together on a off for years.We partied HARD.We loved each other very much.I miss him.I got to take care of him the last two weeks of his life.I (living in a small town)hadn't had AIDS enter my life in any way except for what was on the news or in the paper.I wasn't prepared for my first sight of Michael.He was only fourty,yet he looked seventy.He looked like my grandfather at the end of his life.I made him as comfortable as possible(he was brought home from the hospital about a half hour after I arrived).We talked about friends for a while and then I told him it was time to start dinner.Instead I went outside and broke down.I don't cry(except at movies).I can't remember crying that hard ever.Nothing could have prepared me for him.I don't know if I was crying for him or for me,both I guess.His feet were swollen twice their size and covered with black splotches.He was in constant pain.He was on morphine, codine and had to have a special drug to take in order to touch him to change his bed it hurt him so bad.I didn't do this alone,I had help.Wonderful help from the state and the local hospice and a volenteer.With out them I never would have made it .They taught me so much.I never knew how to change a bed with someone in it before,think about it.It's not that easy especially when the person in it is screaming from the pain of having to move.I had to put away my feelings of hurting him and just do it telling myself that I was doing it out of love.Michael was also very constipated and one time I had to pull a turd from his anus(I have never told anyone this,just too gross but necessary to write here if I want to convey how bad AIDS is)I did what had to be done.I did it out of love for him.One day turned into the next I cooked ,cleaned,and tried to make him comfortable.I was given a booklet about care of AIDS patients and it told me to give him a lot of time by himself.I did it thinking the book knew what was right.I wish now I had spent more time with him .The book was wrong!Michael needed all the company he should have had.Even his Mother wouldn't come.About two days before he died his temp ran up to 105* and I couldn't wake him.I called the people who who had been helping me to come and say goodbye to him .And then I stood by his bed holding his hand pleading for him to let go.To give himself to the peace and calm that death would bring and that we would meet again in another life and to remember me as I would remember him.And in new lives hopefully know each other.I think love can Trandsend time if it is strong enough.While stand there all I could say was Michael I love you so much!Please let go,cross over into peace.Grand mother and grand father and your Dad are waithig.The people who help me God bless them came to say goodbye and sat for the death watch.four hours later he came out of it.The will to live was too strong.It was his last rally.Later that day I fed him some soup and he told me that there was a black man in a white suit sitting in a chair in the corner waiting for himI bevieved him and told him not to go with him until he was ready.Michael said the black man was in no hurry,he just wanted to be there.Now at this time Michael was on really high doses of morphine,but I chose to believe in the black man.That night i fixed Michael his favourite Mexican dinner.He atr what he could as we talked as he ate.He told me he was so tired and it was about time(the black man was looking at his watch)The last thing he said to me,and he started crying was that no one touched him any more.By ths time the splotches were on his face and neck.I gave him one of his movement pills and then sat on his bed and tried to hold him the best I could rocking him.I think it made him feel loved again just for the touch.After I carefully laid him down and tucked him in and kissed him on the forhead and said good night.I never kissed him before,I was so afraid,but now I didn't care brcause I loved him.I woke at about 4:00 am with a terrible headache.I went into his room to check on him.The only light came from the TV he was laying there with his eyes half open .I called his name...no answer.I knew he was dead.I felt his forehead and it was cool.I closed his eyesAnd said a prayer of thanks to the black man for taking him.I want this to be a cautionary tale for all the bareback cum eating men out there,AIDS is ulgy.AIDS happens to more than just you I miss my friend,Michael's Mother mourned every day for him until the day she died.He left a hole in many a friends live that can never be replaced.December 1 is AIDS awareness day.Please take note of it.And rerember my cousin Michael if it will help and what a sad death he suffered

 

[Fastdavy]

I read a post from someone from Dec1 and they really sounded like they needed help.I didn't find it until this morning and in my alarm that someone needed some comfort that I might be able to provide I answered it not knowing I was three days late.I checked to see if there were any new posts........nothing.I began to wonder if some cries aren't real?Are there some sixteen year olds sitting in a bedroom somewhere making up things to get the fags to answer.I very seldom post an answer,but I pm them with whatever I have to say.I know sometimes get emotional in my replies and have an almost 18th century way of saying things but I can't help it,is the way I am.It is the way I speak.I have been made fun of much my life for my speaking style,that's o.k.(well,not o.k. it still hurts a bit,but I can live with it).But that is the reason for the pm's.To save my self embarssment for the the flowery answers.But to get back to the question at hand.Are they real?I would hate to think that some one would take our conscern, willingness to try and give good advice and care and make a practial joke out of it.It would defeat the purpose of the people here at JUB:to help our fellow human beings because we are the"outcasts"in the general terms of the society and who better to help an outcast but another?There is a lot of thought and care given in these answers.Are we to waste our energy and thought(not to mention valuable room)giving prank cries for help attention?For me the answer is yes.The human condition requires us to.As far out or bizzare a problem is there is a good possibilty that the situtation is true and the person needs honest help and yes,love as much that is possible in the cyber world.So I will keep sending those pm's.I have to.I try and not let an opperntunity to help go by.As for the pranksters,go jerk off,it's much more fufilling and you will get more out of it

 

[Fastdavy]

In my travels through JUB I am somewhat saddened by the amount of lonley people I see here(me included).I wish I could take each of you one by one and talk.There is something in me that wants to fix everyone(in fact my favourite song is 'fix you').I realize this is impossible.I realize it is foolish.I also realize I have to touch as many lives as I can.
I admit to being one of the "walking wounded".I have gone through pain that almost killed me several times.But the big thing is I didn't.I managed to wait it out and came through.I have been on and am on medication at the moment for depression.It helps,but I gain more from my friends here at JUB.They care and that comes through the wires that attatch us.Let someone care for you.They also are the "walking wounded",they have been there more than once.When there is an offer to help,take it.You can tell the genuine offers from the ones who just want to see their names on the screen.Let them begin the process to "fix you"
I hope my wanderings have not been too sentamental or mauldin.I just feel so strongly about something that makes me sad,but good in the knowlage there are wonderful people here to help.
Thanks for the read. fastdavy