Father figure question.

[Devious12]

Hello, I've had this situation going on for two years or so regarding my father figure. When I was young, my blood father abused me verbally and physically and once I came out at 19, he disowned me. We haven't spoken in almost 4 years. We never had a good relationship and I feel like he never gave me the guidance I needed as a father.

I started working at this job and after time, starting developing an attachment to my boss. I thought it was a crush at first but the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was because I saw him as the father I never had. We had made plans to go fishing and had conversations about life (things my father never did). He looked out for me on several occasions and has pretty much always had my back.

We've been through a lot of things together and have gotten into plenty of fights, but at the end of the day, we have a bond. Recently, we had a conversation where he admitted to me that I was like the son he never had . I'm not going to lie, it made me cry to hear him say that. After years of feeling like I'd never have a father, I'd found this person who accepted me and gave me some of the guidance I'd been looking for.

The only problem I'm having is that sometimes, I notice a physical attraction to him. I normally don't have feelings towards men of his age (he's in his late 50's while I'm in my early 20's). I fight the thoughts off as much as I can but sometimes I wonder why I am feeling them? I just wanted to know if anyone has ever had anything similar happen to them and if these feelings will fade away eventually.

Either way, I'm just glad to have a positive male role model in my life. He's always encouraged me to do better for myself, get a better job, go back to school, and be happy and comfortable with myself. That's more than I can say for my real father. Thank you to anyone who reads this, I've just been having a really hard time lately managing everything alone.

 

[techie70]

I think that given the support, encouragement and love he has shown you and the lack of that in your life previously that it is not surprising that you might feel physically attracted to him at times. The question that I would ask is this - are you dating or otherwise involved at the moment? I'm just wondering that now that you have a father figure in your life if you are focusing too much on it? It sure would be understandable for you to do so.

That's also not to say that your relationship is now simply evolving and could be changing into something romantic. How would that make you feel?

I think you just need to try and understand what you are feeling. Are they true romantic feelings or just a a result of him being the father figure in your life now.

 

[Devious12]

I think that given the support, encouragement and love he has shown you and the lack of that in your life previously that it is not surprising that you might feel physically attracted to him at times. The question that I would ask is this - are you dating or otherwise involved at the moment? I'm just wondering that now that you have a father figure in your life if you are focusing too much on it? It sure would be understandable for you to do so.

That's also not to say that your relationship is now simply evolving and could be changing into something romantic. How would that make you feel?

I think you just need to try and understand what you are feeling. Are they true romantic feelings or just a a result of him being the father figure in your life now.

You know that makes so much sense when you put it that way! No, I'm not in a relationship right now and I don't really have too many friends so it could very well be that I just focus on it too much. I did notice that while I was briefly involved with someone awhile back, the feelings weren't really a bother. I really wouldn't want it to turn romantic as I just really enjoy being able to look up to someone now whereas before, all my male role models were highly negative and destructive.

In some ways, I think I'd like to be somewhat like him. He is very successful, has a healthy marriage, and is a strong person (all things which I'd eventually like to be). Thank you so much for your input! At least now I don't have to worry

 

[rmw0944]

I've dealt with the same issue from the reverse age point of view. I'm older than the friends that end up creating an emotional connection. I was left sitting in the pickup truck for hours on end between ages 8 - 13 after my Dad said I'll be right back after taking me to town (3 miles from the farm) and he'd be back 4 - 8 hours later. I eventually discovered he was in the beer parlour and starting paging him to go back home. Eventually he either quit asking me or I quit saying I'd go. It took a while but recently linked the situation to abandonment issues and read Susan Anderson "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing." Similar to grieving over a death but in abandonment, you're the only one grieving and many of the issues are different so a different approach is needed. PM (private message) me for more info and how this past summer largely resolved this issue with a young friend.

It's normal to feeling attracted. Does he know you are gay? Welcome to JUB and keep sharing. It takes a while but communication is the key.

 

[Devious12]

I've dealt with the same issue from the reverse age point of view. I'm older than the friends that end up creating an emotional connection. I was left sitting in the pickup truck for hours on end between ages 8 - 13 after my Dad said I'll be right back after taking me to town (3 miles from the farm) and he'd be back 4 - 8 hours later. I eventually discovered he was in the beer parlour and starting paging him to go back home. Eventually he either quit asking me or I quit saying I'd go. It took a while but recently linked the situation to abandonment issues and read Susan Anderson "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing." Similar to grieving over a death but in abandonment, you're the only one grieving and many of the issues are different so a different approach is needed. PM (private message) me for more info and how this past summer largely resolved this issue with a young friend.

It's normal to feeling attracted. Does he know you are gay? Welcome to JUB and keep sharing. It takes a while but communication is the key.

Wow that is interesting. And yes, he knows I'm gay. For awhile, I was scared to let him find out because I thought about how coming out got me rejected from my actual father; so I was afraid he'd do the same. But after he found out, he didn't even care. He encouraged me to be myself and we even joke around about it at work all the time. I'll send you a PM!

 

[Seasoned]

This is a beautiful story. How lucky you both are. I'm so glad you gave such strong feelings for this man. I think that love and attraction is important directed to a parental figure because those are the feelings that you'll look for in a future boyfriend or partner. Appreciate your strong feelings for this father figure and redirect any sexual feelings to gratitude. What you are feeling is normal.

 

[Devious12]

This is a beautiful story. How lucky you both are. I'm so glad you gave such strong feelings for this man. I think that love and attraction is important directed to a parental figure because those are the feelings that you'll look for in a future boyfriend or partner. Appreciate your strong feelings for this father figure and redirect any sexual feelings to gratitude. What you are feeling is normal.

Thank you so much, you don't know how relieved I am to hear that!

 

[Devious12]

I'm very envious of you, and you're very lucky to have finally found someone to be a father figure to you. I'm in a similar sort of situation where I never had a respectable male role model to look up to, and sometimes end up projecting it into teachers I respected with all the right qualities I think a good father ought to have.

I can't comment on the attraction bit, because I tend to be attracted to older men to begin with, but all the best!

The physical attraction could also be just part of the admiration you have for him as a person.

Thank you for your feedback! I appreciate everyone's thoughts and thank you all for sharing. You guys are awesome!

 

[KaraBulut]

In many ways, this is another variation on the "straight friend crush" theme.

A guy treats you well. He makes time for you and makes you feel special. You have deep feelings for him. In some ways, it's hard to tell exactly what those feelings are.

It's understandable. Be thankful that this guy has taken the time and interest in being the father that you never had. It's fine to feel mixed feelings but nothing will come of it. When you do meet someone that you have true romantic feelings for, everything will be put back into perspective.

 

[Devious12]

In many ways, this is another variation on the "straight friend crush" theme.

A guy treats you well. He makes time for you and makes you feel special. You have deep feelings for him. In some ways, it's hard to tell exactly what those feelings are.

It's understandable. Be thankful that this guy has taken the time and interest in being the father that you never had. It's fine to feel mixed feelings but nothing will come of it. When you do meet someone that you have true romantic feelings for, everything will be put back into perspective.

Very true, I think that when I find a partner these sexual feelings will fade off like they did before. Thank you so much for your input

 

[DonMartino]

hey there,

i find myself being attracted to older guys in their 30s or 40s (im 21) most of the time and always wondered if that was connected to the fact that my father was a complete idiot and left my mum when i was about 5 and rarely had any contact to us (until about 3 years ago).

interesting topic mister

 

[Devious12]

hey there,

i find myself being attracted to older guys in their 30s or 40s (im 21) most of the time and always wondered if that was connected to the fact that my father was a complete idiot and left my mum when i was about 5 and rarely had any contact to us (until about 3 years ago).

interesting topic mister

Hey there, thank you for replying! I'm finding it interesting to see other people have had similar experiences. I'm sorry that your father wasn't there, but I hope him coming back into your life will eventually lead to something positive in the near future!