Father Just Called me a Fag

[Lube]

Sorry, forgot to include that part out since I was pissed at the time. I came down to the kitchen when he was eating desert, I opened the fridge, mentioned how I liked a Chocolate cake from a great bakery and suddenly he said:

"What are you becoming one of those fags? Get a job! Times are hard!"

We can only guess, since we don't really know your father. But if he has been accepting so far, it sounds like he just said it out of fear/pressure.

Is he helping to support you financially at all? Or are you completely financially independent? How is his job going?

People who are under a lot of pressure (especially in an economy like this one) sometimes strike back, very inappropriately--in ways they normally would not in better circumstances. He might just think you're not taking your job search seriously, or he may think you don't understand how tough it is in "the real world".

It may be his odd way of showing he's concerned about you. But you should make it abundantly clear that it's not appropriate at all.

 

[erobert]

/\ All of those are valid points and I agree

I'm not completely financially independent yet. I'm staying with my uncle (his brother) until I have enough money for my own place. I'm paying for my living expenses in NYC (even though I don't have that many yet) but they have paid for travel expenses for holiday trips back home.

He retired last year and I think the fact that my sister and I both moved out last year, and having me come out to him may have been too much for him because I don't think he knows how to handle our being adults... Showing him I'm a responsible adult hopefully will ease his anxiety or other underlying issues.

Don't move back in with him.

I'm trying my hardest. My top priority for this year is to avoid moving back home.

But it's something that I know may be a reality if I don't find a job in NYC soon and I know I will regret it if I do move back. I've tasted doses of independence and I'm trying to avoid loosing it. Plus, I realized over the years my father has an unhealthy need to control people around him and keeps telling me how I can always"move back home." I know it's good to have parents that will welcome you back (because some will not) but having adult children move back isn't healthy for anyone.

I've lived with my parents for 24 years and when I moved to NYC that I found I was a bit maladjusted to the real world compared to everyone my age. Though, how was I supposed to get those types of experiences if I've been sheltered from the real world?

I think this thread is branching a bit off topic into a thread like ChickenGuy's fight for his independence so I'll start one in the main forum.

 

[Supersix]

Sorry to hear this, I know it hurts a lot. My mother said that to me when I was a teen. Good luck finding work. Where in NY are you? If you're on Long Island, I may be able to help.

 

[erobert]

Thanks for the support Supersix. I'm in Westchester, near the Bronx, staying at my my uncles until I find my own place. I'll send you a PM.

Still no apology from him. I mentioned above that he had controlling tendencies and found he hits nearly every bullet point on the right side of this chart created by a PhD. (Great site for guys who have a controlling parent(s) btw)

Sending off resumes has kicked into high gear this week as I prepare to return to NYC next week and want to go back for good. Moving back home to Chicago will reinforce controlling behavior from my father- among other things.

 

[MindBlast]

Out of curiosity, why would you move to a super expensive city like New York when you don't have a job first? I have a good job and even I couldn't afford to live there (with what I consider a reasonable standard of living).

But yeah, what he said to you was completely inappropriate. I'd ask him WHY he called you that. He's going to have to struggle for an explanation, and it would probably lead to an apology.

 

[rareboy]

Best of luck for 2011.

It will all turn out.

Have you talked to your uncle about this? Maybe he can kick some shit out of his bro for you.

 

[texan_slant]

Agreed with all of the posters. Clearly, it was said out of anger more than anything else;

Next time you hear an outburst, tell him not to forget that he had a hand in upbringing the "fag that you are", though say it with pride ;-)

 

[Seasoned]

Being a son and a father and gay and old I may have a little different perspective. I was called names by both my parents and that coupled with being very introverted had something to do with me not wanting to accept my sexual orientation. I got married and later divorced. My children are now adults. I never called them names of any kind due to my own upbringing.

One thing most of us forget is that adults we do not have to defer to our parents when they are being abusive. If we do confront them it should be on an adult to adult basis using fair fighting rules. Dad, I felt_____(angry, hurt, sad, ashamed, or whatever the feelings were) when you referred to me as a fag. Use of I statements and avoidance of words like always and never can keep the conversation from turning into a free for all fight.

Don't sit with resentments as an adult. I know it's weird but sometimes especially when we have the most information we need to actmore adult than our parents. A mistake should never be allowed to end a relationship. No one is perfect, including your dad.

If I had to guess your dad is worried about you in NY. He might think that you'll be discriminated against. Perhaps he wishes he had the money to see you through your rough times. Maybe he would like grandchildren. Maybe he just defended you with a homophobic friend of his. I'm not making excuses for him, but this comment was just that, not a rant. I hope the two of you are able to resolve the issue before you return to New York.

Wishing you successful employment in 2011.

 

[hotatlboi]

Out of curiosity, why would you move to a super expensive city like New York when you don't have a job first? I have a good job and even I couldn't afford to live there (with what I consider a reasonable standard of living).

I agree with this, I make a decent income in a stable job and I couldn't afford to live in NYC.

 

[erobert]

I agree with this, I make a decent income in a stable job and I couldn't afford to live in NYC.

Anyone who knows me knows I love NY and have always wanted to live there ever since I was little. Thousands of new grads from all over the country move to the New York every year and find jobs (even in bad economies) and make it their home- even if they have to live with a roommate or two.

I have a bit of savings to start myself off with and rent is lower in the outer boroughs, especially in NJ. Plus, half of my family lives in or around NYC.

Well, my father just had a talk with me over breakfast and is "disappointed" about my being gay. He thinks I'm "misidentifying" myself and am "choosing" to be gay. I told him people are born gay but he didn't want to hear that. He basically told me to hide the fact that I'm gay and not tell anyone.

He also think one reason why I don't have a job is because people are uncomfortable working with "homosexuals" (he still uses that term) and thus don't hire them after an interview- which is I told him is contrary to my experience with previous employers.

It's going to take a long time for him to accept it, even though he's probably figured it out a while ago because people are more perceptive than we think. Whenever I get a boyfriend I'm not sure how he'd even take that.

Something surprising I learned though is they both think anal sex is "unnatural", my father even called it "perverse".

 

[paatreides]

Well, my father just had a talk with me over breakfast and is "disappointed" about my being gay. He thinks I'm "misidentifying" myself and am "choosing" to be gay. I told him people are born gay but he didn't want to hear that. He basically told me to hide the fact that I'm gay and not tell anyone.

....

It's going to take a long time for him to accept it, even though he's probably figured it out a while ago because people are more perceptive than we think.

I definitely feel your pain! I grew up with a father that called me all kinds of nasty names: fag, sissie, panty-waist, pansy; if you can think of any duroguetory word for "gay", he used it on me. It was extremely hurtful and I grew up hating him. I avoided any interaction with him as much as I possibly could for many years.

Your father's (and my own father's) ignorance is what causes them to follow the pack and believe sexuality is a choice. He needs to be educated. Our sexuality is only a tiny portion of who we are. Don't allow him to define you by yours. He wants you to remain in the closet, because he's afraid of what people may think of, or say to, HIM.

Yes, he's your father, BUT it does not mean you have to accept his behavior or attitude. The best thing you can do is to tell him - each and every time he makes unacceptable comments - how much he is hurting you.

It took years and years, but eventually me telling my dad how much he hurt me (over the years) was the thing which finally made him [sincerely] apologize and cease doing it. I found that parents, no matter how it may seem to the contrary, do not want their children to be hurt in any way. And for a parent to be told (s)he is the one doing the hurting usually opens their eyes.

I hope your dad is able to come to terms with his problem and you will eventually form a better relationship. In the meantime, be yourself, love yourself for the person you are.

And remember, you are not alone. Please accept my virtual hug:

 

[maxpowr9]

My father (who is 62) is the same way and it is why we have zero relationship. If he died tomorrow, I probably would care very little. It is sad but that is the reality. He still uses racial/ethnic slurs in his common speech. His beliefs are set in stone and he has a "when you get to my age, you can do whatever the fuck you want" mentality so I gave up trying to change him.

I try to shelter my BF away from him but Christmas was just horrible this year. He insisted that we have it at my house (instead of my brother's) and I actually got really depressed because of the whole situation. However, after that dinner we had such an amazing spoon session that it almost made it worth while.

 

[erobert]

Thanks for sharing maxpowr9. My father also uses racial slurs- against people of his own race. He's old too and has a "I can get away with it because I'm old" mentality.

He's still thinks I'm "choosing" to be gay and said I'm "going" gay. I told him it's unfortunate that he thinks that. He's still trying to figure it out or is in denial, but I need to establish boundaries of respect with him if he continues to use those terms.

 

[Fireballs]

Perhaps you're being too sensitive? My mom is constantly telling me to blow her or suck a fart out of her ass and it doesn't faze me at all. Plus, people always say things in the heat of the moment that they really don't mean, so just saying.

 

[cocksucker4use]

Being a son and a father and gay and old I may have a little different perspective. I was called names by both my parents and that coupled with being very introverted had something to do with me not wanting to accept my sexual orientation. I got married and later divorced. My children are now adults. I never called them names of any kind due to my own upbringing.

One thing most of us forget is that adults we do not have to defer to our parents when they are being abusive. If we do confront them it should be on an adult to adult basis using fair fighting rules. Dad, I felt_____(angry, hurt, sad, ashamed, or whatever the feelings were) when you referred to me as a fag. Use of I statements and avoidance of words like always and never can keep the conversation from turning into a free for all fight.

Don't sit with resentments as an adult. I know it's weird but sometimes especially when we have the most information we need to actmore adult than our parents. A mistake should never be allowed to end a relationship. No one is perfect, including your dad.

If I had to guess your dad is worried about you in NY. He might think that you'll be discriminated against. Perhaps he wishes he had the money to see you through your rough times. Maybe he would like grandchildren. Maybe he just defended you with a homophobic friend of his. I'm not making excuses for him, but this comment was just that, not a rant. I hope the two of you are able to resolve the issue before you return to New York.

Wishing you successful employment in 2011.

Letting your father know how you feel when he acts out is absolutely the best advice. Moreover, it is important that you tell him exactly how you feel, man to man. It is not important that he hear you or understand or digest what you say. It is important that you say it. Do not be angry or confrontational. This can be very disarming for Dad -- much more than you going on the attack. Do you love him? Can you not because of how he treats you? Do you need love and emotional support more than to be controlled? Tell him. Be honest. Your father may not have a lot to work with emotionally, but that is not your fault and you should not make it your problem. The bus driver that ran over you may not have meant it, but WTF? You still got run down. Anyway, you are on the right path. There are jobs to be had, and think out of the box. Good luck!