Fear of Rejection When Dating

[e2ksj3]

When I started exploring my sexuality and trying to meet with other guys, for some reason, I was always rejected or people didn't show any interest in me after meeting in person. So I kind of stopped dating or meeting anyone (even as friends) out of fear of rejection and getting my hopes up for nothing.

I really want to start dating again, b/c I'm tired of being alone, and want to be happy. But I honestly can't get over fear of rejection from guys. Anyone have advice or tips? thanks,

 

[slobone]

Rejection is an unavoidable part of the dating game. A certain percentage of the time, you're just not going to connect with the person you want to connect to.

The only advice I can give you is not to take it personally. It doesn't mean you're a terrible person, it doesn't mean you're ugly, it doesn't mean you're not hot. It just means that the person who rejected you didn't feel like getting together with you at that particular time and place.

There could be any number of reasons that don't even have anything to do with you. He's tired and has to get up in the morning. He only likes blondes. He only likes brunettes. He only likes guys who are younger/older than him. He already came 3 times today and only stopped by the bar for a drink.

Or he's a superficial asshole who wouldn't appreciate you anyway. In which case you're better off.

There was just one time when I knew in my soul that I had a profound connection with a guy I met in a bar. I knew we'd be great together. So I badgered him until he finally gave in and went home with me.

Worse sex I ever had. What a nothing that guy turned out to be. Handsome, but practically lifeless in bed. Couldn't wait to get him out of there. I really learned a lesson from that one.

 

[M4P]

You just have to get back on the horse (no pun intended) and try again. Don't take it personnly. I'll give anyone kudos for having the courage to keep on trying. Trust me, my friend, it's worth it

 

[hornyshauny]

Do you feel any less scared of rejection for not dating? Well you might as well feel the fear AND date! At least you'll be getting 'value for money' and there's a chance that as time goes on you'll feel less afraid and start enjoying the dating process. Dating can be real fun - if you don't go into it always thinking. 'This could be the ONE'.

Remember, most guys have got to kiss a lot of frogs before they find their prince.

I read a book once called 'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway'. I found it really helped - maybe you should try it.

By the way, in THE END I met my guy - but I wouldn't have if I'd stayed at home worrying!!!

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Good advice here.

Open your mind and take the middle course. Yup, if you were hoping for nothing, you wouldn't be dating, but you are not hoping for anyone in particular and for anything particular to happen.

Dating is both an art and a science in my books. For sure it is a major skill and it requires a considerable practice.

No matter, how good you end up being, for most part, you end up either being rejected or rejecting that other dude yourself. (Sadly, that is how this animal works.)

There is quite a bit, you can do yourself, in order to significantly reduce the rejection rate:

First and foremost: establish reasonable search parameters. Going too narrow or too wide are both very counterproductive.

Establish what is 'written in stone' and what is open for discussion.

Do not take a huge backpack filled with emotional baggage when you go on a first date.

Never allow yourself to appear desperate. Equally so, do not play 'the hard to get game'. For a majority both are major turn offs.

Know thyself and learn how to project your fortes. Assume a realistic but equally so, a positive attitude. If you are meeting up another dude with a deep inner conviction that he is going to reject you, you will be getting there in no time. Do not go for the 'self-fulfilling prophecy'.

Take care of all the tech details. The first impression you create is immensely important. Few guys will really fall for a 'I don't give a damn attitude' when it comes to meeting them up.

Last but not least, do not ever project sadness and do not tell the stories of your numerous failures. Even a dude, who might be genuinely interested in pursuing the matter with you might be getting second thoughts, once he hears that you have been rejected many times.

SC

 

[3nipples]

... after meeting in person.

If you're meeting these guys after chatting online for a while then they're coming into the meeting with a fantasy image of you, projected by their needs and desires, which tend to perfect images... so it's almost a given that they'll feel disappointed no matter how nice you are... and you, already expecting to be rejected, will be giving off negative vibes...

If possible, try to go to places where you can meet guys live, ideally by going to social events or to gay cafes, bars, clubs, bookstores, so the others can connect with you as a person... if online hook ups are the only viable option, because you're in the boonies, then try to organize a meeting quickly before either of you gets too deeply into a fantasy.

 

[ibox_2000]

Look at rejection from the other side. What if you realize some guy is not for you? You need to be able to "reject" him and move on. So, give rejection some respect.

 

[Oden_grey]

I'm going to be honest and straightforward with you. Of course this may seem harsh... but reality is an eye-gouging banshee.

1) Dating online is for people who have high standards... a person is not going to enjoy their one night stand if your appearance or mannerisms are lacking.

2) Not everyone you meet is going to dig you... trust me I've been there.

3) Not everyone you meet will be charming or personality driven... much of the world is populated by assholes and selfish twats.

4) If you don't have passable looks... or at the very least, a decent, in-shape body you should simply stick with your own type. In the gay community chubs, bears, trannies, twinks, and hunks never... EVER mix.

5) As a gay man in our Prada-eque GQ world you need to either fit in or butt out. There are plenty of gay men who value personality and long-term commitments over looks and one night stands... but those are the same people that have never ever gotten any... so to speak... OR have had a good, long taste of the high-life then crashed and burned with age.

6) If you are not the right race or age, you will not be considered desirable... but in our PC gay community we won't kill undesirables like the Nazis, we'll just ignore them... and at the same time tolerate their existence... go figure.

8 ) Dating is all about compromise... you will never find all the qualities you desire in a person... you have to learn to take the good with the bad.

As always take Oden_grey's advice with a grain of salt. Tis all.

 

[Soilwork]

1. It's better to regret the things you HAVE done than it is to regret the things you HAVEN'T.

2. There are no guarantees in life. That's why its worth living.

 

[Riverrick]

If yor fear of rejection is so intense that you would stop dating, then I'd suggest you get into some Therapy. It sounds like there are underlying issues that are getting in your way.

At the very least, a therapist can help you get back into the dating world. Good luck!

 

[drhladnjak]

4) If you don't have passable looks... or at the very least, a decent, in-shape body you should simply stick with your own type. In the gay community chubs, bears, trannies, twinks, and hunks never... EVER mix.

5) As a gay man in our Prada-eque GQ world you need to either fit in or butt out. There are plenty of gay men who value personality and long-term commitments over looks and one night stands... but those are the same people that have never ever gotten any... so to speak... OR have had a good, long taste of the high-life then crashed and burned with age.

6) If you are not the right race or age, you will not be considered desirable... but in our PC gay community we won't kill undesirables like the Nazis, we'll just ignore them... and at the same time tolerate their existence... go figure.

I feel sorry that you're such a bitter and jaded individual, but the above is not categorically true. I know I probably shouldn't respond to such comments, but I feel somebody needs to provide a counterpoint for whoever might be reading this lest they take it to heart too easily.

Different kinds of guys do mix, although I'll admit it's not the standard. Moreover, few guys fit any labelled group 100% all of the time, so intermixing is really happening almost all the time. There are plenty of gay men who do value personality and long-term commitments who have gotten some both in terms of long term relationships and quick fun while they searched for LTRs. In my experience, race and age mean less than hotness and especially confidence in terms of what you can get. I know plenty guys of any age and any racial background that have no problem finding sex with hot guys and plenty that spend too many evenings shut in their apartment bitching about how they're doomed.

 

[e2ksj3]

^ I think that's the problem with me. I don't really "fit" into a group, and people have expectations of me, and when I don't feel those expectations, I think it makes guys un-easy and nervous I guess. Could be my looks, but I don't think I'm that bad looking, dunno.

As for trying to find someone outside of the net, well, I think that would be challenging for me, b/c I live in a small rural town in North Carolina, not to mention the fact that I'm still in the "closet" and actually still trying to figure out who I am and sort my life out. I just hate doing it alone, I kind of wish I had a shoulder to lean on.

Thanks for the advice though guys, I really appreciate it.

 

[Soilwork]

As much as we've all tried to help Oden, he's much happier being a miserable and bitter man who spits bile and venom at anyone who asks a question about anything gay.

Best to do what we all do and just pity someone who's grown so comfortable seeing life through their own scar tissue and then just ignore him.

I never crashed and burned, but I WAS a very hot young stud who got bored and of endless parties and settled down with a guy who was the antithesis of everything I was.

We've since broken up after 13 years together, but we're still close friends and are quite happy in our own lives.

I've found that the best way to make gay friends and maybe meet Mr. Right is to just put yourself out there.. join a gay sports team or a gay social club. Make some friends and get yourself into life.

Prince Charming only knocks on the door in Faerie Tales.

 

[drhladnjak]

Perhaps you don't fit into a group, but you may just not have found your niche yet. I'd say that's in fact very possible considering that where you're living there's not really much variety in terms of social life. NC isn't all doom though. Have you ever considered moving to a bigger city? Or perhaps you're not terribly far from one to visit periodically (what county are you in?). Charlotte, Raleigh, Greensboro, Wilmington, Asheville all have surprising concentrations of gay people. I used to live in Carrboro (pop. 12,000) and we had an openly gay mayor for many years, but that town is an anomaly. Unfortunately, even in the Triangle organized gay groups (like soilwork is always mentioning) are rather rare although I know there are at least some gay sports teams in Charlotte.

 

[Joey Smith]

Hey man hows it going? I know I'm young and have experienced a limited amount in my small time of existence, but I agree with most of the posters about getting yourself out there. You wont know anything until you try-you wont know he digs you or if he is dissapointed unless you put yourself out there. Although I'm having a hard time meeting people(worthwhile people mind you-the pigs and the perves are everywhere!) I'm doing a lot better than I was staying at home wondering " why I cant meet anyone" or "why doesnt anyone like me?".
Truth be told I dont know if I can do a relationship now with both school and work although I would looooove to. So I think the best policy is to at least go out and make friends-you can never have too many, and an ideal way to look at people. If you can get a good set up of friends, hey they maybe able to help you find someone. Or you could also possibly become really close to a friend that may harbor some of the same feelings. Or they could just take your focus away from the lonliness.
Either way if you aproach all new people as friends (at least for me) the fear of rejection doesnt have the same effect. I know a lot alots not going on in NC but maybe you should go clubbing-Scorpios in Charlotte is always fun( especially Drag night) or Velocity(Although I didnt really like it). But go to the gym, do some sit ups, tone those arms and roll in the club with a see through shirt and show them whats up!
I've always been self conscious about my body so I always work on it-it relieves stress,looks good and turns heads. So to get any reactions is a huge ego boost and the club is perfect. I'm not trying to put anything on you but a good body never hurts to show off, and the ego boost will help with the confidence so you can aproach people. But remeber what I said---DONT GO LOOKING FOR LOVE! You will leave dissapointed. Approach everyone as a new friend and take it from there. To be honest you probably wont ever find love when your looking for it, it comes when you least expect it or are not ready for it-its funny like that. Well anyway good luck!
*Gasp* What is happenning? Am I actually trying to give good advice on meeting people!?! The HORROR....THE HORROR

 

[MCsNo1Fn]

Not that this would help, but where I live, I have discovered that the majority of gays here are EXTREMELY shallow. At one point I was set to be as thin as Nicole Richie JUST so I might have a chance. But what's the point? Eventually you'll find someone that's right for you, you just have to try your best not to let the fact that it hasn't happened as quickly as it has for others. Its gotten me down quite alot. I don't even bother looking anymore. I just try to enjoy myself. I mean hell, what I wouldn't give for a hot guy to be interested in me LOL

 

[frost_bite]

Don''t fall into the trap of thinking you're not good enough for anybody. A lot of hot guys aren;t necessarily looking for mirror images of themselves. I'm a pretty tall, slim & smooth kind of guy so I feel inadequate around more muscular guys, but on more than 1 occasion I've been approached by muscle dudes who love the look. Just go out there and put your best foot forward, good attitude, good hygene & go for clothes that flatter(not necessarily trendy just stuff that looks good on you whatever your shape).

 

[Just_Believe18]

Look at rejection from the other side. What if you realize some guy is not for you? You need to be able to "reject" him and move on. So, give rejection some respect.

Good point. Look at this way, also. If you are being rejected, it isn't possible for you to be compatible in the first place. If a relationship did start, how awkward would it be if the feelings weren't mutual?

When a rejection happens, it kind of hurts. Its someone you found attractive, but the rejection itself, kept you from suffering in an unfilling relationship. So in a way, its a positive thing and "for the best."

Just keep trying, and never let your intimate life woes affect your ability to at least make friends. Keep being social.

Start easy. Friends first. Then find a boyfriend.

 

[Centexfarmer]

^ That's some great advice.

The way that I see it, I would rather be rejected within the first couple of minutes than to ultimately be rejected several months or years down the road because "someone better came along."

Hold your head high, be thankful that you found out about the object of your desire as quickly as you did, and say to yourself, Next!

You're not chopped liver! You have a heart and are worthy of love yourself. If the guy rejecting you is really hateful about it, just know that what goes around comes around. He'll get his.

Nobody likes being rejected, but fear of being rejected will only limit your possibilities. It's like playing the lotto, you don't stand any chancing of winning if you don't play.

 

[pausanias_usa]

Simple fact: I've learned it is better not to look and be found.