Fears of coming out.

[Giovanni]

During my birthday yesterday, I was talking to a couple of friends on the porch. We was talking about different stuff until the subject landed on the bisexual chick that lived across the street.

The guy I just befriended starts talking about how gay people are going to hell and says he would stab up any gay guy that came near him.

Everyone else goes into a anti-gay tirade, talking about how much they hate gay guys, my brother was among this group.

Then they start using broad generalizations, like all gay men can fight really well since they have to fight and all gay men want to be women and other crap like that.

I don't think it's wise to come out while I still live around here. What do y'all think?

 

[alley]

I actually just say --" you know I am gay right??? When confronted with this kind of situation---I don't make a spectacle or anything. And if they are really your friends they will accept it---if not then it's time to find friends who are more open minded and to whom you are able to to open and honest with.

 

[kcboi]

I sure wouldn't want to risk their hostility especially your brother! Hope you are able to leave soon so you can set your spirit free and be yourself. Best of luck.

 

[pinoy-pride]

I know the situation, haha, like before I came out, my sexuality was always questioned, because I act pretty 'straight', I just have little tendencies which kinda are questionable, and when brought up, I passed it off as being a 'metro' thing, so everyone just assumes I'm straight, which being around other straights, I was able to hear what people's thoughts were on gays or homosexuality in general. no one was ever really hardcore homophobe, I hate gays, they're going to hell, if I get hit on by one i'll drop him like a fly, none of that, a lot of people were kinda indifferent, like the 'you are who are you' mentality, they could care less, one of my friends was extremely religious and said she thought being gay was a sin, but feels its not her place to judge, and she has lots of gay and lesbian friends. my dad on the other hand, is the only person I actually haven't come out to, and he's a huge ass homophobe, I stick up for gays though, in our defense, and point out all his hypocrisy, so he sees his feelings on homosexuality are completely flawed but he doesn't wanna hear it, so I don't know........

 

[Telstra]

I actually just say --" you know I am gay right??? When confronted with this kind of situation---I don't make a spectacle or anything. And if they are really your friends they will accept it---if not then it's time to find friends who are more open minded and to whom you are able to to open and honest with.

not during they were talking about how they don't like gay & stab ... etc.

 

[alley]

unless he had the knife in hand--I seriously think it is all bluster---and hell who would want a friend like that anyway?? I would rather be alone than have to hear someone talk like that---

 

[Soilwork]

Why is it that you live there again?

 

[Giovanni]

Either he was being extreme and exaggerating his feelings, or he has DEEP issues with homosexuality. Either way, I'd UNfriend him ASAP. Doesn't sound like the kinda person u need around.



Jesus, if they were any more open-minded their brains would leak all over the carpet.



Keep in mind, there's a difference between being homophobic, and drinking homophobic koolaid. It's likely that some of your friends (especially if they're young) were only being anti-gay to fit in with the anti-gay atmosphere. It's arguable that having "friends" like these is going to be conducive to you developing as a person, it'd be like me hanging out with Klansman but expecting to develop some sense of black pride.

One of two things can happen, you come out to one/all of them and disprove their sentiments and, with time, they adjust, or they'll stand by their anti-gay statements and distance themselves from you, or worse, burn u at the stake.

*DISCLAIMER*

I've been out for 3 years, 99% of my friends are straight, a good bulk of 'em are "thuggish" and 0% of them have ever so much as winced at my sexuality. SOme of them even joke about it/flirt with me.

The stabby stabby guy was in his 30's. Everyone else was in their late teens or early to mid 20's

As far as they know, I'm straight, but I was spooked by the hate emanating from the convo.


The main thing I'm worried about is my safety. I don't want to have to kill anybody over any bullshit. I'm not gonna end up a victim of a hate crime.

To cut it short, I don't have much of a choice when it comes to friends due to the situation I'm in. It's either these dudes as friends or no friends at all.

And the neighborhood is full of ignorant, violent jackasses. If they knew I was Bi, I'd get fucked with every time I stepped out my door.

They don't fuck with the bisexual chick across the street, but still talk shit about her But that's because she keeps to herself and a lot of straight dudes see a lesbian/bi chick as not being as bad as a bi/gay dude.

Sorry for wasting all of y'all time. This is something that really bothered me. I was never bothered by anti-gay shit till I came to JUB. I guess I never thought of myself as bi/gay until I started reading posts from this forum.

Why is it that you live there again?

Because I'm too broke to live anywhere else

 

[Eagle653]

There's a part of me that thinks they've forfeited the right to have your respect and confidence. How would them knowing enhance your or their lives?

The only positive outcome would be if they stopped in their tracks and re-evaluated gay people by knowing you. Certainly you don't fit many of the stereotypes in their heads. And, it could be their wacky/negative views of gays are spurred by not really knowing any.

But, that's a risk, and is it worth it? Only you can answer that. For me, personally, I doubt that it would have been worth it. Instead, I'd probably spend more time concentrating on how to get away from those people and into a group of friends who are more healthy for me.

Good luck!

 

[Soilwork]

Because I'm too broke to live anywhere else

Well then... THAT's your real challenge, isn't it?

Find a way to get a better-paying job in a better place for gay guys to live.

Then it won't matter if the people next door know you cuddle up to a big, beefy man at night. Hey, it might be the big beefy man next door who you cuddle up to...

 

[G-Lexington]

Get out.
And get better friends while you're at it.

Lex

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Giovanni,

Theres no way that I'm going to condone the rubbish that these guys were talking... but dont let pack mentality and peer pressure make you think differently about people in the group.

Trust in your heart and your head. I'm sure that you were shocked and surprised by some of the things said... but more importantly by who said it. I'm sure some of the comments felt out of character to you...

Remember mate that its easy for us to get swept up in group thinking... and once that conversation started everyone just got swept up. Should they have... no. But its human nature because its hard to be the odd one our as you know.

And honestly... that conversation would have been hugely different had you been out to some of them. Because you mate, just by being you, would have challenged their ideas and thinking. Right now they beleive in stereotypes and have all the wrong ideas of what it means to be gay.

Dont let this put you off coming out. Coming out is as much about challenging people and helping them understand as is it about liberating yourself from the burden of secrecy. It really is a 2 way street... and I can guarantee you will change the way people think and relate to gay guys once you tell them you are gay.

When they realize that the friend and brother they love is a normal everyday good guy they will have to rethink... and once they do these conversations will be very different in the future.

Good luck mate... dont let fear stop you from beginning the life you deserve... and dragging a few of your mates into the real world too!

 

[Telstra]

The stabby stabby guy was in his 30's. Everyone else was in their late teens or early to mid 20's

As far as they know, I'm straight, but I was spooked by the hate emanating from the convo.


The main thing I'm worried about is my safety. I don't want to have to kill anybody over any bullshit. I'm not gonna end up a victim of a hate crime.

is the 30's guy married or partnered? if not your thoughts of why he's not .

 

[Fucker29]

This thread made my heart beat speed up like hell! Just because it reminded of my coming out. I haven't yet but I'm coming to realize that I can't postpone it anymore and soon it'll happen and I'm terrified as I've never been in my life. Me coming out is not the only issue I'm dealing with, lots of family dramas that I'll have to deal with.

Fortunately, within a month I'll be gone and away from home (I'll be in another country) for a LOOOOOONG time (almost a year). I'll try to take this time to "recharge batteries" and stabilize emotionally 'cause due to many shit in life (hiding in the closet and putting a masquerade doesn't help either) I've been on the verge of a major breakdown so I want to be in a better place psychologically and emotionally by the time I come out.

Bah...sorry for the hijacking and the attention seeking. :S

 

[Giovanni]

is the 30's guy married or partnered? if not your thoughts of why he's not .

I just met the guy like last week. He has a kid. I don't know if he's still with the woman he had the kid with or not.

To cut it short, I don't know.

 

[Giovanni]

I still say, either he was exaggerating his feelings, or u need to reconsider calling him a "friend". In general, someone I've only known for a week would be called an "associate" for this very reason, not knowing how they'd respond to my sexuality. He may respond with hostility, he may change his mind, that's for you to decide but you'd need more time with him to have an accurate depiction of his true sentiments towards gays. Maybe he's just one of those self-loathing types.

I understand where you are coming from. I shouldn't be too surprised about how they reacted, seeing as this is how most people around here feel and think about gay/bi people.

And I think I got his true sentiments when he said he'd stab up gay people. He made his stance toward gay people loud and clear.

Anyway, to me friend and associate means the same thing to me. I don't really have any true friends. I had people I called "friend" fuck me over and stab me in the back. Friend is a meaningless word.

I guess I need to get the fuck out of here because I know I'm not gonna be changing any minds soon.

Anyway, I know I need to get out of here.

 

[Jo-thin]

well closeted gay guys say things like that to cover up their hidden sexuality!
thats all I can think

 

[briefs4me]

I am a "straight" gay guy. I act straight, I have a deep voice, I drive a truck, etc. I have heard all of the gay bashing and anti-gay words. My family is extremely homophobic. All gays are going to hell. Man should not lay down with another man. You know the story. I'm surprised my parents haven't found out or if they even suspect that I might be gay. Unfortunately I had to move back in with my parents a little while ago but I have found a new place and I am in process of moving out. My mom has made comments regarding the amount of underwear I have. (I have an underwear fetish) I'm just surprised that n oone has figured it out that I have never had a girlfriend. I haven't had a boyfriend yet either. We'll have to see what the future holds as to whether I decide to be the black sheep of my family...

 

[seven_sins]

Giovanni, if you are in a hell hole and can't see a way out, consider the military. Look into the Air Force or Navy, not the Army or Marines. The time will fly by. When you get out, you will be eligible for the GI Bill, which will make college affordable. Then go to college and get a degree. You will never have to look back again. Good luck man. Stop sitting on a porch with losers, you don't deserve to live in misery at your age.

 

[Soilwork]

I am a "straight" gay guy. I act straight, I have a deep voice, I drive a truck, etc.

Newsflash... most gay guys are just... guys. You're not a "straight" gay guy.. you're a gay guy. Unless you have sex with women, you don't "act straight." The only thing that straight guys do that gay guys don't is have sex with women. You act like a gay guy because you're a gay guy.. and that's how you "act."

Sorry, but that term really drives me nuts. It reeks of putting yourself up on a pedestal above those gay guys who are more feminine or "gay acting" than you. (and here's something else that'll really fry your head... many of those guys you assume are gay because they act like that are actually straight... crazy, eh?)

I'm surprised my parents haven't found out or if they even suspect that I might be gay.

You ever think that their anti-gay bile might be them trying to verbally beat the gay out of you?

The fact of the matter is that those feminine gay guys who don't try to hide anything are 10X more of a man than those "straight gay guys" who seem to take pride in the fact that they cower in the closet and just stand there while those close to them spew anti-gay bile in all directions.

Standing up for yourself is much sexier than hiding who you are.