Feel like I'm going crazy...a difficult situation with a busy older guy

[simo91]

Hi all, I read JUB all the time but I've hardly ever posted. I'm going to make an effort to become more involved - but I really need advice about something. Sorry if I ramble and sound whiney, I'm just in a difficult place at the moment.

In March I met a guy from manhunt (lets call him Andy). We'd flirted and been very sexual over the net and agreed to meet for drinks, something I rarely do as I live with my parents and meeting up with guys can be difficult (I'm a 19 year old full time university student). My parents were out of town so we met up, and had a blast. He's a doctor and paid for all my drinks, he's also older than me (early 30s). He's really nice and a genuine guy.

Anyway we got very very drunk, went back to his and had sex all night. Okay. Easy. A fun, random hook. He texted a few times over the weeks but I wasn't that keen on meeting up again. However one night I decided I wanted to see him again. So we then started catching up about once a week - he'd even take me out to really expensive restaurants. Problem is, as he works in a hospital he's very busy and is often on call, meaning our meet ups can be rushed. However we'd been having really good times. Great conversation, food and sex. We enjoy each others company.

Of course I have to maneuvre around my parents, I'm not out and am in no way ready to tell them (plus i'm young and still sorting my sexuality out). I really don't see the need to tell them yet - I've fucked girls in the past and obviously haven't shared that fact with my parents.

So a few months into knowing Andy and now its mainly ME texting/calling to wanna organsie meets. Doctor in a hospital, very busy, I understand that sometimes we can't meet up and I have to be patient. However, he eventually began taking foreeevvvverrrr to reply. Even when he wasn't working. So he's a bad texter...I guess I can deal with that.

However one week my parents went away for the entire week. I was excited and told him weeks in advance, so that we could catch up with no hassles. He already had trips to Sydney and the USA planned though, though not for the entire time my parents would be away. He PROMISED we'd catch up, but then had dinner with a friend one night, when he was meant to see me. Then he went to the States, week of hassle free catch ups gone, wasted. Bummer.

So he's been in the US for the past week and I've been in AGONY. I obviously really like him....however I feel possessive...I'm always so sad...I just want him in my life. I know we'll catch up when he gets back but I just don't know what I'm going to do. I want him even though for some reason he's made me completely depressed.

I know he'll always be busy with work but I want to know where I stand and if I actually mean anything to him, and whether he could do a relationship (I've never had a proper boyfriend). But I don't want to scare him off or let him see my inner crazy! Basically he's the first man I've had deep feelings for.

Some of the things he's said over the weeks seem to hint he likes me: "I never thought I'd see you again after that first meet", "thanks for humouring me over dinner" (maybe he thinks all I was in it for was the sex? I've thoroughly enjoyed the dinners). Plus the INTIMACY! So much cuddling and snuggling and kissing and hugging...

He makes me feel great but I feel a bit left in the dark. I don't know what to do. At all. I'm sorry that was so rambling. I just need wisdom and advice!

Oh, and...to top it all off, despite being very, very drunk, I can still remember him saying the first night "Would you mind if I had someone?". He's from Sydney, working in Melbourne for a year. Yeah...I try not to think about it. But since then his actions suggest he's single/into me. In fact, he's expressly said "I'm single". He works all the time and seems to be on call 24/7. He barely has time to squeeze me in, I doubt he'd have time for a long distance relationship. He comes across as single. I know I can play it cool around me and keep any crazy bottled up I'm just scared I mean nothing to him.

Just a bit about 'Andy': he's 32, a doctor (as I've said), masculine (not in an over the top or annoying way, but there's no way you'd think he was into dudes unless he told you), really smart...from a shallow standpoint not the most attractive face, but I don't care, I really like him and he's cute to me and a really really good body, i'm 19 and feel insecure around his muscles

Any help and advice would be much appreciated. Sorry it was so long!

 

[altlover85]

Welcome to JUB!

I hope my past experience will help you.

Before I met my current boyfriend, I had doubts about things and almost didn't meet him. I also let him know I wasn't looking for a relationship because he was a lot older than me. Well, we ended up meeting and hitting it off and we've been together for almost 4 years now.

However, things could have gone south because I have a feeling he thought I was giving him mixed signals. Thankfully when we met we had a wonderful connection and he does love me and I love him as well.

My point is when you decided that you weren't interested it's possible that he moved on in his mind. The best thing to do would be to ask him how he feels about you and see what he says. Ideally you do this in person so that you can see his body language.

I do think he may not be as single as you think he is though. The fact that he asked you that question about him seeing someone else while drunk could be discounted as him being drunk, but it's been my experiencer that sometimes we communicate what we really want someone else to know when we are drunk because when we are sober we are too inhibited to say what's on our minds.

Good luck with this guy, but try not to get your hopes up. Things are way too nebulous right now.

 

[simo91]

altlover - thanks. I'm glad it worked out for you and him. I'm not about to profess my love or anything, I guess I'm just frustrated we don't get to spend more time together. Really needed to get this all off my chest. I will try to work out how he feels, and I will try to let him know how I feel...but I don't want to scare him off, you know?

loki - thanks for your input, I appreciate it. However from his behaviour he seems very into me when we do get to catch up. I know that doesn't necessarily mean he likes me. But I think I have to right to view it as more than just random fucking. We hang out, talk etc. in fact we don't even have sex every time we see each other. Guess I just have to wait and see. What makes you think he doesn't like me?

Does anybody else have any ideas/suggestion/opinions? I swear I'm normally a sane guy This situation has just made me feel a bit lost.

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome and I'm sorry for your confusion and stress. Grandpa here would advise you that he sees you as a hot time when he has time but he is not interested in more than a hot time with a young man now and then. You don't know him well enough to know his history and real current situation.

I'm concerned about the getting drunk aspect of your times together. Lowering inhibitions leads to mistaken decisions.

Personally, I think you ought to take this as an enjoyable sexual experience and move on. I know it can work, but I'm not a fan of mentor/lover relationships. I think he's too advanced in his career and status to be a good long-term match for you. Partners have to be equals at least on some level or be comfortable in the "daddy/son" relationship. While you might be, it doesn't sound like he is.

How about having more safe experiences and reevaluating in six months?

 

[Georgiadude]

welcome to JUB. I'm sure you will find this a fun place to hang out and have some fun.

I get the feeling he's seeing someone else and fitting you in on the side. your someone he can spend some time with, have some fun whether it's dinner or sex and not deal with the aspects of a committed relationship. your more than a fuck buddy but not a bf either. I think your developing feelings for him and are going to end up getting hurt in the end. if he were truly interested he would have made time when your parents were out of town. instead he met up with someone else. your not a priority in his life. I know it hurts and is kind of confusing but you need to decide if that type of relationship is what your looking for. Im not saying he's "using" you but I dont think the two of you are on the same page. you need to sit down with him and have an open, honest discussion about what your looking for and what he's got going on.

I think you need to prepare yourself for the fact that he's either seeing someone else or that he's not interested in anything more than spending some time together and occasionally sex.

best of luck and I hope your able to get some answers. try not to get too attached until you know where you stand. I know it's not easy to do that but I can see your heart getting broken over this.

Steven.

 

[simo91]

Thanks for the input guys, I appreciate it.

Soreknees, I will try to enjoy it as much as possible. You're right, I don't really know him. Um, I don't think we have a daddy/son thing though. I know he's much older and in a very important career but we seem pretty even. I'm not looking for a "mentor" thing. I just like him...and he happens to be a bit older. I think he and I need to communicate more.

Georgiadude, I do fear I'm not that big a part in his life. Its just that when we're together, we both seem to have so much fun, and we really look forward to it. Part of me is all "he doesn't like me at all, get over it" but another part thinks "when he isn't at hospital, he's trying to sleep, he's busy and just doesn't have that much time for people, regardless of what he feels".


Gents, I'll just try to keep calm and go with the flow. I don't think I'd be feeling this bad if I'd seen him more recently. Its been three weeks for various reasons and I miss him.

I will try to tell him how I feel and gauge his feelings too. However if nothing seems to be happening, I think I'll have to try to move on, if he really really liked me he'd probably make more effort and I can't be feeling like this all the time.

Are there any other suggestions?

 

[Georgiadude]

it's hard when your head and your heart are telling you different things. I understand how you feel. you want to spend time with him and you look forward to it. you are holding out hope that things will work out. I've been there and I know the feelings. it hurts. I know its cliche' but your young and you will find the type of relationship your looking for. he's not able to give that to you. its either work or he's seeing someone else or he's traveling. try to take a look at it from an outsiders point of view. he seems to have time for other things and only when he can fit you in is when he has time for you. I understand it may not be malicious in intent but the reality is that is whats happening. he has different priorities and you dont rank up there as high as you would like.

its hard but Id just pull back and let him make the next move. IF your a priority he will let you know. in the meantime look for someone that is more what you want. he's out there. don't discount all older guys. not all of us are like that.

wish you nothing but the best. give your heart some time to heal. things will get better.

Steven.

 

[Lucas07]

Been there.

He's just not that into you.

It's confusing these guys, at first they're the one's who are all optimistic and chasing, but once you're actually taking em seriously they turn into flakes. Not that into you. You've had fun so just learn from the experience and turn it into a positive. I'm sure you won't find it hard to smile to in the future.

So, do yourself a favor and stop thinking too much about this guy. He's obviously thinking of something/someone else.

 

[hotatlboi]

He's in a different place in his life. He obviously hasn't made the time that he would if he were taking you seriously as a real relationship potential.

You're just a casual friend/fuck buddy to him it sounds like.

 

[backpacker]

I get the feeling that he's not that into you anymore. He may have been early on, but for whatever reason it's not working for him anymore. Enjoy the memories and move on.

 

[rjmrjm21]

To me, he just sounds HORNY. I think if and when he does "commit" he would want someone at or above his income or intellectual level. If you can't see him without becoming all depressed and emotionally out of whack, then, I would just suggest not seeing him anymore.

 

[simo91]

Well, I'll see how it goes and take all your advice and try to re-evaluate the situation.

However, he texted, and is keen to see me again soon. I hope it goes well.

-rjmrjm21...i'm fine when I see him, it's the fact that I haven't seen him for weeks that's made me a bit sad. I think I'll feel better when I see him again. And i'm not saying he has to profess his love to me or anything, but relationships don't have to be about material possessions and someones income... and I don't care if this sounds up myself but I'm very mature for 19 and go to the top university in my state, I'm hardly lacking in intellectual ability.

Anyway, I really appreciate everyones input...my freakout seems over, its good to know he still cares.